Wondering how to proceed

[arugula367]

I joined this group with no real goal in mind, other than to seek support and hear from others in a similar position. I am terrified to talk to my friends or family about my parter, out of fear of their judgement or complete condemnation of his behavior and our relationship. I believe in our ability to move forward as a couple, at least in the present, and I feel misunderstood, judged and guilty when the people closest to me simply call him out of control, manipulative, and unwilling to change.
He refuses to go to therapy, and the closest things to clinical help he will consider are prescribed medication (which he is still unwilling to do, but acknowledges the possibility of it’s necessity if “everything else fails” and us, together, working through a BPD workbook when we have time. My concern is that, although he does have close friends that he talks to, I am his primary source of reassurance and care, and I feel entirely drained and lifeless. I feel like I’ve lost myself entirely trying to save this relationship, and save him from his own mind. He does not frequently lash out at me directly, but experiences severe episodes of self loathing, and sometimes physical self harm that are distressing. He has never tried to hurt me physically, and the things he says to me in episodes are not as immediately hurtful as the things I’ve heard other stories about. He primarily directs his hatred outwardly into things about the world he dislikes (most things: social media, capitalism, the work force, party culture, hookup culture, etc) and towards himself. I feel like he has made me into more of a pessimist than I was before, that his ideas about the world and the hopelessness of the human condition have infiltrated my consciousness. I’ve tried to show him my world, to show him beauty and meaning, but he is rarely receptive. He doesn’t blame me, but himself for having something I do not. Last night I broke down and he told me he couldn’t feel anything and he hated himself for that, because he should feel more. In the morning, he told me he didn’t deserve love from me, and that he was sorry. He apologizes for everything all the time, and expresses shame, but says he “doesn’t know how to stop” which puts me in the position of attempting to teach him strategies and coping mechanisms he should be learning in therapy. I also have to disguise him as non clinical and existential, or he will scoff at it and refuse to try it. I feel like he’s constantly telling me things I can do to improve his situation while he’s having episodes, but I feel like I’ve tried all of them and it never seems to be enough. He’ll say “if you were to just do this, I would have felt better” and after I try that he’ll say “if you had done it for a little longer it would have helped” when in the moment he was telling me that it wasn’t working and that he was beyond help. He is able to identify that he says irrational and untrue things while in this state, and tries to undo this by prepping me with his actual opinion beforehand. It’s exhausting, I feel like I’m being asked to act completely counterintuitively in the face of a loved one in distress. In the moment, he entirely rejects every method we’ve talked about to pacify him, until I lose hope and energy and shut down. After that he’ll beg me to “come back” and to “be here” and I’ll try to push myself a little further. Afterwards, he will apologize, tell me he’s the worst person on earth and that I should leave him, and spend the entire day with his head hung, unable to escape the shame that he feels. I’ve always told him it’s okay, that I understand, that I know it isn’t his fault, but I am starting to become colder. I’m running out of energy and I can’t give him the help that he needs, despite him reassuring me that I’ve done everything for him, that I’m perfect, and that it’s him that’s the problem. He hasn’t “split” on me intensely like I’ve seen others do, both to me in past experiences with people with BPD, and to other people with BPD loved ones. His behavior is mostly directed towards himself and towards nonhuman systems. When he lashes out it’s rarely personal. He feels shame and remorse, he apologizes. I feel guilty for shutting down when even in the moment I’m aware that he isn’t trying to hurt me and that he loves me and that he’s just in pain. I don’t know what to do, or how to move forward. I fear my own coldness and resignation making him
worse and causing the inevitable split. Sometimes I wish he would just split on me and take it out on me I would have something objectively cruel to point to as a problem. I don’t feel like I can give him the emotional support that he needs without abandoning myself completely. But I am trying, and I feel like I can’t stop.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[kells76]

Hi arugula367 and welcome 

It is difficult to explain to others about staying in a relationship with a partner who is coping with mental illness. Yet many members here stay, for many different and personal reasons. We understand that your choice to stay is your choice -- so the questions pivots from if to stay, to how to stay healthily.

Does your partner have any "official" diagnoses? It's interesting that he's open to doing a BPD workbook -- did he suggest that?

There are definitely choices you can make to improve your own experience in the relationship. It can take a pretty big mindset shift, but like you're finding out:

I don’t feel like I can give him the emotional support that he needs without abandoning myself completely. But I am trying, and I feel like I can’t stop.

If what it took to stay in a BPD relationship was unceasing giving of yourself -- if that really worked -- then this group wouldn't be here. I think you're finding the wall that many partners find, which is that the "intuitive" move of "if I was just more supportive, things would work out, he'd be better" doesn't improve the relationship.

One of the unintuitive aspects of staying in a BPD relationship is that the partner without BPD has to work on themselves a lot, to have a strong sense self, to tolerate the discomfort of accepting that they cannot change how the pwBPD feels. We have to radically accept that the pwBPD is allowed to feel how they feel, and we can try to find moments to connect safely via emotional validation, and we must choose to protect ourselves from toxicity via genuine boundaries.

...

This is standing out to me as an area where you can try some immediate changes:

He primarily directs his hatred outwardly into things about the world he dislikes (most things: social media, capitalism, the work force, party culture, hookup culture, etc) and towards himself. I feel like he has made me into more of a pessimist than I was before, that his ideas about the world and the hopelessness of the human condition have infiltrated my consciousness. I’ve tried to show him my world, to show him beauty and meaning, but he is rarely receptive.

Can you talk me through what this looks like in real life? For example, does he text you those feelings? Start talking to you when the two of you are at home? Call you on the phone to tell you?

How long does he continue directing his hatred outwards -- one minute? Ten minutes? Two hours? Other?

In the past, what have you done when he starts in on his hatred? Do you listen? Engage? Disengage? Something else?

I'm confident that by working on that specific issue in the group here, we can brainstorm a way to change that aspect of your relationship to be better and more tolerable for you.

Fill us in on how things have been going;

kells76