uBPD ex just punched me in the street - what next?

[heyyo]

My uBPD ex (both male) and I have remained friends despite a lot of tension. Recently, I have been using medium chill and repeating my boundaries (the relationship is over, no intimacy, not even casually). It seemed to be going quite well, and I was talking to him less and less. He has had poor mental health generally the last few months, and I had had a very "tellings-off" but nothing I couldn't handle.

Two nights ago, unannounced, he turned up at my apartment (he has never done this before) and I spoke to him for about three hours. All the medium-chill hard work was washed away, of course, and today he insisted on coming to somewhere I was working for the day (not my actual workplace, just a large public library where I live) to tell me about a mental health assessment he had been to (not near diagnosis, sadly). This all went fine initially. We ended up going to get something to eat.

He asked me in the course of this about reviving our intimate relationship and I said no. He became enraged and demanded to see my phone. I have nothing particular to hide, so I showed him. However, I very briefly dated someone last year, and we have remained in touch socially and he saw his texts. The truth of this very brief (not even a) relationship came out (I had not told him before for fear of repercussions). He ended up punching me in the head in public so hard I was staggering around dizzy, ranting at me. It ended calmly enough, although of course, classic caretaker, with me trying to make him calm and feel better.

I think now I would like to go No Contact, or at least row things right back between us. Violence is in theory a hard barrier before (he broke my ribs some years ago, in our one other experience of it). This is a gay relationship and I am the more masculine one, so there is an assumption, even from me, that I will "suck it up and be the man". But I just don't want this in my life any more. Today feels like a last straw. I feel badly, because he is sometimes suicidal, and of course, my downfall has always been avoidance of drama!

Any advice at all about next steps, any experience (from straight, gay, whoever, of course!!) is very welcome. Thanks in advance

[kells76]

Hi heyyo, glad you came back and updated us with what's going on.

To me, that's pretty shocking that he would physically attack you, even beyond that being illegal (regardless of anyone's feelings about it).

As I read your post, I'm not sure that I'm picking up on how you feel about it -- do you feel shocked? angry? violated? sad? ...other?

I wonder if somewhere in the past, it served you well not to feel feelings about behavior like that, but rather to go to "theory" or "thoughts" about it?

And maybe right now it doesn't feel safe to feel feelings about the attack -- IDK. Just some speculations.

...

It's good that you recognize that you had and have some caretaker dynamics going on.

As you reflect back on what happened, do you still feel like you "have to" make your decisions based on "but he needs support, he's really trying this time, he has no other friends, it wasn't that bad, it would increase drama, he'll spiral..."?

I wonder what it'd be like to make your decisions based on caretaking... you.

What would be good for you? Why not take care of you and direct that "caretaker energy" to someone who was recently victimized/attacked?

Kind of my overarching thoughts on the situation. Let's take that caretaking spotlight off of him and on to you  what do you think?

...

One more thought on this:

Violence is in theory a hard barrier before (he broke my ribs some years ago, in our one other experience of it). This is a gay relationship and I am the more masculine one, so there is an assumption, even from me, that I will "suck it up and be the man". But I just don't want this in my life any more.

Good to hear that you don't want this in your life going forward.

I get what you're saying about there being a bias about who commits DV in all kinds of relationships. Man/woman: "he's the abuser". Woman/woman: "women don't commit DV". Man/man: "he's the more masculine one, he did it". etc. Frustrating that there sometimes isn't more awareness and acceptance that generally speaking, anyone can commit DV and anyone can be the victim of violence.

It could be helpful to call a DV hotline -- in the USA, it's 800-799-7233 (or for USA texting, text START to 88788) -- just to describe what happened and listen to what they would recommend as steps forward. You aren't locked into doing anything they suggest, but they may have some really helpful ideas about how to take care of yourself and what you may need to do to be safe. If you aren't in the USA, google "[your country/area] DV hotline". Let us know what they say.

[heyyo]

Thanks for your reply and kind thoughts. I was raised by two parents with narcissistic traits, and my and my sibling's feelings were held as very unimportant. To this day, my mother transmits her feelings before anyone else's. So I have taken this into my adult life. I find it very easy to obscure my feelings (even from myself sometimes but certainly others). I am absolutely a caretaker. But I also fear drama and confrontation and my uBPD ex is of course very capable of both.

I have been worried about violence and find it humiliating and violating, but I didn't really think it was a present risk any more, so surprised too. I am still processing what happened, even how to feel about it, and what boundaries I must now set.

I love your idea of caretaking myself. This is a great way of putting it. I think it is also accepting that my being the nice guy, the forgiving person, is actually not helping him either. But I struggle with breaking away, rejecting him, hurting him, which I guess is the next, inevitable stage.

Thank you again

[kells76]

I was raised by two parents with narcissistic traits, and my and my sibling's feelings were held as very unimportant. To this day, my mother transmits her feelings before anyone else's. So I have taken this into my adult life. I find it very easy to obscure my feelings (even from myself sometimes but certainly others). I am absolutely a caretaker. But I also fear drama and confrontation and my uBPD ex is of course very capable of both.

That seems like a helpful insight. Maybe it's something like: when you were a kid, in order to survive in your family, you had to put other people's feelings in front of your own. If you felt your own feelings, that was dangerous and unsafe. As a kid, that was a great survival skill. It got you through and kept you alive. Smart move back then.

Now that you're an adult, you're starting to have experiences where that childhood coping skill, instead of helping you, is actually exposing you to some pretty serious danger.

Does any of that sound close?

I have been worried about violence and find it humiliating and violating, but I didn't really think it was a present risk any more, so surprised too. I am still processing what happened, even how to feel about it, and what boundaries I must now set.

So as you get in touch with some of your feelings about his violence towards you, you feel: worried, humiliated, violated, surprised, and "in process"?

Those make sense. I can't imagine anyone not feeling some of those, in your shoes.

I love your idea of caretaking myself. This is a great way of putting it. I think it is also accepting that my being the nice guy, the forgiving person, is actually not helping him either. But I struggle with breaking away, rejecting him, hurting him, which I guess is the next, inevitable stage.

Yeah. "Trying to be nice" has endangered your well-being, and, additionally, it isn't really helping him (again, not that his needs/feelings are the most important in this scenario -- but just pointing out that "even if they were", this isn't helpful).

One illustration I sometimes think of is that when someone is a baby, it is really loving for the baby's parents to change their diaper and wipe their butt. It would be profoundly unloving for a parent not to do that for an infant! However, can you imagine a parent changing a 20 year old's diaper and wiping a 20 year old's butt? Truly unloving and unhelpful.

We can pivot away from thinking "doing X is always helpful for others" and towards asking "in this situation, is doing X really helpful -- for others, and most importantly, for me?"

I'd be curious if part of the challenge of stepping back and not "doing" for him would be if you have uncomfortable feelings come up when you "stop helping"?

Do you have a counselor or therapist in all of this? Could be a good resources for helping you sit with uncomfortable feelings, and keep turning the care spotlight back on yourself.

[heyyo]

Yes, you're precisely right, and I have realised it before, about feeling unsafe in expressing my feelings openly. My mother's response to challenge is either to lash out or act very hurt, so meeting a BPD person in adult life is a pretty toxic situation.

The thing that I have failed to do is get myself out of it, even though our romantic relationship is very much over, a fact in the endless cycling of BPD, sometimes he openly accepts and sometimes he does not. My question to myself yesterday as I walked away (from being punched in the street!) was: am I doing this in another year, in another five?

I am not in therapy currently. I have looked for therapists (in UK) but obviously a lot of people specialising in BPD are aimed at the sufferers not the innocent bystanders. I am a bit nervous about ending up with therapists who don't understand the condition and its endless tricks and complexities.

Thanks again for your insights

[kells76]

The thing that I have failed to do is get myself out of it, even though our romantic relationship is very much over, a fact in the endless cycling of BPD, sometimes he openly accepts and sometimes he does not. My question to myself yesterday as I walked away (from being punched in the street!) was: am I doing this in another year, in another five?

That's a big realization.

We can use our balanced mindset to understand and accept two things at once:

What he was responsible for was attacking you. What he did was not OK,

and

What you're responsible for was choosing to return to be around him after the relationship was over.

The fact that you chose to take his calls/texts, return to spend time around him, meet with him, and show him your phone -- while those are all choices you are responsible for -- doesn't mean it was OK for him to attack you. I just want to make that really, really clear.

It is interesting that you did make a series of choices to let your guard down.

Do you think you're worth protecting?

...

I am not in therapy currently. I have looked for therapists (in UK) but obviously a lot of people specialising in BPD are aimed at the sufferers not the innocent bystanders. I am a bit nervous about ending up with therapists who don't understand the condition and its endless tricks and complexities.

Makes sense. While I'm not in the UK, I've heard off and on that there can be a wait to get into therapy; is that true?

I wonder if looking into a free or low cost online group could help. Again, here in the USA we have NAMI groups and Family Connections, though those are both geared towards persons who choose to or need to stay in communication with a pwBPD.

I've heard that AA and CODA groups, while technically targeting different overt behaviors, structurally can help persons coming from PD families. Could be worth looking into.

Honestly, even meeting up with a T who "technically" works with pwBPD could still help. Or, you could call up a practice that specializes in treating BPD, explain your situation (that you don't have BPD but your ex does), and see if they can refer you to someone who could be a good fit.

I've needed not only these boards, but also a marriage counselor and an individual counselor, to get through the last 10+ years of coping with my H's kids' mom (many BPD traits though no diagnosis). The more support, the better.

...

Are you doing anything nice for yourself this weekend? Anything to look forward to that might be relaxing? Sometimes when we turn the "caring spotlight" back on ourselves, we start small -- which is OK.

[heyyo]

Thanks again for your advice. Yesterday he texted me to say sorry and asked to speak to me, acting as if nothing had happened and when I said that I did not want to see him for a while because he had hit me, he went insane and demanded to come to my apartment. I managed to intercept him before he got here (I prefer him not to come inside my home) and then we had the strangest hour or so together, in which we simultaneously acknowledged what had happened and just acted normally. But I just felt nothing towards him, not even fear or shame. I just was staring at him, thinking, you're insane and I don't want this.

I think immediate No Contact is not right. It would lead to chaos, and I just don't want that. I need to get back on the medium-chill/distancing horse immediately and think more strategically from here. Usually, he will come up with some crisis where he needs my help, and this has been the funnel through which I am pulled back in. I need to be able to articulate and refuse better, and that is what I struggle with, if I am honest. He is heavily implying revival of intimate relationship, which is so far off the agenda for me, especially now.

I will look into the therapists who might be able to help me. I would have to pay privately but that's OK.

Thanks once again

[Kashi]

I don't know if this helps.  I went through months and months of denial with my partner.  We are both women.

I just stuck to the same message over and over.    My first message to her was what matters is, she is safe.

That I acknowledge what is happening to her.   What was happening was she was regressing into a child then back out and obviously her mind was distorting.  I did that by saying she is triggered and saying what I saw.  That established some trust back. 

It took quite a long time.  After a while it sunk in, I was not the enemy. 

Then I said that we are not safe in this situation.  It's very important we need to be safe. 

Then went on to how she needs to take care of herself, and what that involves, no alcohol, sleeping well, eating well and mindfulness.

She got herself out of the mess she created and on the right track.

They love a plan; those plans make them feel safe in a world sometimes they can't control.

I went through how we created stability.  How her future and security was important and how she needs to keep that safe.

I know that sounds simplistic, but it worked to a point.   Now I step out.

I think what it establishes is they can follow a plan to be healthy, that you care about their wellbeing.  It's hard for them to deny they don't feel safe because they generally don't feel safe even when they are.  So, you are validating that part of them.

You are saying you don't feel safe without blaming them.  So, they are not feeling criticized.  But they can relate somewhat to that concept.  Your request to feel safe they can relate to. 

"We are not safe in this situation."

I would create lists in responses to her.   1 to 20 First line was always Stay Safe.  Then I would go through 2. Stay away from drama and people who create drama.  3. Sleep well etc etc.

I know this sound strange and co-dependent 

It was a way to focus her back to what is important.   I kept on going back to it.   

You can't reason with them.  You can't discuss emotions they don't understand the complexity of emotions.

Right now, it's his angst vs your hurt and violation.  He wins in his mind.

You need to change the narrative. 

I certainly don't know if that was the right thing to do by the "text book"  BUT it did work to a point.  She pulled herself into line.

Simple plan to follow.  Everyone can follow a point plan with the most important.  SAFE!

I might now have a chance to step away and escape and she continues with her plan, and I now go no contact.

Maybe she will stick to it.  Maybe....

I did what I could.

[Kashi]

Oh just an afterthought.

They feel alive with the drama.

They find being sensible and practical boring. 

Be boring    Nothing more boring than a list.

He might either get his head together or go looking for excitement.

You need to hold him off until that happens.

 

[heyyo]

Hey, Kashi, thanks so much for this. The "they love the/feel alive with the drama" thing rings so true. I am not a very dramatic person and he also feeds on, but is also enraged by, my tendency not to want to fight (and sadly for me, articulate my feelings).

We've been broken up a while but he cannot let go, because I am a source of drama to him: I have become his perfect opposite partner but I am also unavailable to him. In the last half of last year, I had been using medium chill and not responding quite well, then he had a significant general deterioration in his mental health and I am wondering if he is going through "extinction burst," one last attempt to re-engage me.

I think the idea of plans is a potentially good one, but with him, doing anything for him just offers false hope that we are doing it together. What I need to do is not do things for him.

This is all so easy to write down on an internet forum!! Thanks again

[Kashi]

I can't pretend to know the answers.  I'm in a bit of a mess myself. 

I didn't have the violence, like you have but I felt the rage and I got the punishment.   

The punishment increases, I know that much.

Threats.   She said just in a conversation, "Are you threatening me? " and I said, "Are you threatening me? "

She said it again and I said it again.  Then that silence they have when they have no response.

It worked.   I started doing that with any unfounded accusation she pushed on me, I would turn it straight around and push it back.

Instead, if I had of said, how do you feel I am threatening you and tried reason and get to the truth, well that doesn't work.

So, I gave her a bit of - hey how does that feel to be accused like that.

If I give her one inch and say I did something that could have been minor, twelve years ago, once, she will start to ramp it up.  She has back to back accusations about my character all lined up ready to go.   I saw the pattern.  She can kick me into anxiety and she was doing that on occasions.  When I realized it, I felt so sick. Then I realized it was abuse.  I realized she had used that method in the past to land me on my arse emotionally.  I don't know how I didn't pick it up earlier. Probably because I spend too much time protecting my integrity when I should know I don't need to.   I will figure that out on the 80th visit to the councilor I expect

Yes, they have to have control because their inner world is so out of control, they fear they will fall to pieces.

They are controlling themselves and their environment.  You happen to be in their environment.  Just another object.

They have their plans ready to enact.   That is how they are able to leave someone so quickly.   

Number one on their list is to get themselves into safety.   Obviously, they don't have the ability to assess situations or people, or motives so their plans have gaping holes in them.  They land themselves in a mess.   

Safety and the priority of being safe they relate to. 

Get that idea in his head.   It's all about being safe. 

You aren't offering to make that happen.  You are acknowledging that needs to happen and he needs to do it.

You both need to be safe and what is happening is not safe. 

This will sound strange and maybe you might wonder how it relates.  I was cornered by a man on a street.  He was going through what looked like a Psychotic episode.  I was fearing for my safety.  He was half in and half out. Half of him wanted to hurt me.  The other half he was in pain.  What I did was.  I spoke to him and every time he looked like he wanted to kill me and was escalating, I pulled him back to his issue which was, he got the fired.  How unfair it was etc.  I watched him really closely.  I hoped someone would come along and save me.  Anyway.  I timed his imbalances.    Then I picked my moment when he was not being pulled into psychosis.  I just said, right I have to go and pulled away from his space before I saw his eyes changed.  Narrow escape.

My point is.   You know they have patterns.   Keep him on track, simple and not complex.  You aren't going to have an emotional conversation with him, are you.  You know it doesn't work.  You know can't help him, he knows you can't.

Fact.  No blame.  Besides it's the truth.  The greater good is.  You both need to be safe.  That is the message.

Together it isn't safe.

Then next step is "this needs to happen for us to be safe"   

No contact....

Good luck...

I will let you know how it went for me.

So far so good. 

One part of me feels so bad for saying all that.  It's not part of who I am to be strategic.  I figure it is for my sanity, so it has to happen.   And my safety. 

[Kashi]

Gezzuz no I am not suggesting you make him safe

I am saying safe is a concept.

You aren't describing your role in it.

You are just saying he needs to do it. 

Fact is he isn't safe
Fact you are not safe
Fact the most important point above everything is he is safe and you are
Fact you are not safe together.
Fact he needs to make himself safe and that isn't happening.
Fact you don't help, you trigger him and you don't want to that anymore

My ex seems to respond to that

[heyyo]

Gezzuz no I am not suggesting you make him safe

I am saying safe is a concept.

You aren't describing your role in it.

You are just saying he needs to do it. 

Fact is he isn't safe
Fact you are not safe
Fact the most important point above everything is he is safe and you are
Fact you are not safe together.
Fact he needs to make himself safe and that isn't happening.
Fact you don't help, you trigger him and you don't want to that anymore

My ex seems to respond to that

Thanks very much for this. I think this is a very useful way to think about it

[kells76]

Hi heyyo, how have things been going over the last week or so?

We've been broken up a while but he cannot let go, because I am a source of drama to him: I have become his perfect opposite partner but I am also unavailable to him. In the last half of last year, I had been using medium chill and not responding quite well, then he had a significant general deterioration in his mental health and I am wondering if he is going through "extinction burst," one last attempt to re-engage me.

It's possible. Have you had a chance to read through our info on extinction bursts yet?

I think the idea of plans is a potentially good one, but with him, doing anything for him just offers false hope that we are doing it together. What I need to do is not do things for him.

It's interesting to me that that ties in to the workshop on extinction bursts:

When the person with Borderline Personality Disorder becomes dysregulated or depressed, bpdfamily.com recommends that you give them the space to self sooth - not try to do it for them.  Take a deep breath and politely and non-aggressively disengage. It’s not easy to block out the distraction and emotional pleas for our attention, yet it is only with a critical pause that we can really stay on a constructive and healthy pathway.

This act is called extinction. We essentially remove our reinforcement in an attempt to stop the  behavior. We simply stop rewarding the behavior.

When our partner doesn’t get the expected response (reinforcement by us) it may scare or anger them and they may try harder to  engage us using threats, violence, destruction, intimidation, name calling, belittling, promises of withholding necessary things, retaliation, or any other painful thing they can think of to get us to engage.   This escalation is know as an extinction burst.

Extinction Burst - The term extinction burst describes the phenomena of behavior temporarily getting worse, not better, when the reinforcement stops.

Spontaneous Recovery - Behavior affected by extinction is apt to recur in the future when the trigger is presented again. This is known as spontaneous recovery or the transient increase in behavior. Be aware of this eventuality. It is a part of the extinction process. Don't be discouraged.

This is OK, as long as we anticipate it, understand it, and are prepared for it.  The same is true for spontaneous recovery.

They won’t like this, but it is a necessary for them to experience and to learn to self sooth their own frustrations in life.  It is what will bring on the opportunity for change.   When we do it, we block this opportunity for change and we subvert our own emotional health.

Interesting how the two concepts (extinction bursts from partner, overfunctioning for partner) can go together.

Does that seem like it could have been happening?

[heyyo]

Thanks for checking in, Kells. It's been a weird time. He has turned up at my apartment a couple of times. The last time he came without warning to give me a gift, entirely without warning, although we had made very vague plans to meet briefly because he was in my area. At my home, he tried to initiate sex, which I refused and he exploded, culminating in him saying if he didn't have sex right then, he was going to kill himself. Sadly, I grew up with a suicidal parent and two very close friends took their lives, so this is very triggering for me and he knows it. I told him I don't want this in my life any more, and afterwards said that we need to think about whether we are healthy presences in each other's lives. We have had text contact since (him rewriting history saying I was angry about things that were "mainly (my) fault" - a punch in the head, suicide threats as blackmail for sex, etc!) I think for now I am just going to try and be "No Interest" and repeat this: "I don't think we are safe for each other any more." (This was Kashi's idea and I found it quite powerful.)

I guess some people would be screaming No Contact at this stage, and in one way, I get it - I was always afraid of a return of violence and him turning up at my home making trouble, and now he has done it (so its lost its power over me). I am actually feeling a lot more powerful in myself and thinking a lot about what you said about thinking about what I want/what I need. I am starting to say that to him too, and I hope knowing BPDs, that will just be very boring/offputting to him!

I always struggled with seeing where the end of it all was, when he would finally lose interest. (This is kind of a joke, but I read on here of people who are suddenly cast aside and never hear from their BPDex again, and think, "I wish!") But maybe this is how. I am trying to focus on how my rescuing/caretaking is actually harmful now, both to him and to me.

For anyone who has read this far, one thing I am finding quite useful when I get ranting texts is just letting him have the last word. I just say "I don't want to argue today/any more" and he insults me, and I let it go unanswered. I guess this, dysfunctionally, is part of his self soothing.

Thanks again