How to fix this situation on text

[MichiganMate]

the short version is I've known person I am/was seeing for 3 months. first 2 months were amazing, she would cry and blush every time she saw me, we'd send each other music and loving texts back and forth, talk phone for an hour or so and last time I saw her she was even mentioning us having kids.

well after we got intimate for first time, I got needy afterwards and started trying to meet up too much, call her too much, (realizing now that for BPD this can be triggering) and she pulled back a LOT. When I brought it up to her on text she said she was having trouble being open with me, and I said I could take things slower which she "loved" and was thankful for me saying that and even said on text that she missed me.

Since then, she's been very nice on text but also agreed to meet up twice and then cancelled day before or same day. She flaked a lot in the prior 2 months, but at least before she'd offer other days to meet up.



Basically for pepole with experience dealing with people with BPD, what is the best way to text her that makes it clear I can go at the pace she wants and not make her "uncomfortable"? I've already ruled out trying to call her, but am thinking maybe just "check in" texts asking how her day is and NOT trying to always make plans with her might better?

It's been a major struggle for me because we had such an amazing connection going for 2 months and then it felt like on a dime she totally withdrew. Even though she has still been nice on text, it's been a month since we've met up and she is no longer being as loving to me. She's giving hints she wants me to still be in her life but I feel like I can do a better job of communicating with her especially with her having BPD.

Thanks

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PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[PhoenixKnight]

You’re still in the dating stage at the minute. You can’t force anything and need to let her come to you. If she doesn’t, she has got cold feet about you.

Best advice I got with dating in the early stages is to treat communication like tennis. You hit the ball over, she hits it back. There’s no magic text you can send her to pull her back in.

If I were you I’d pull back and give her space. If she does really like you, she’ll come to you. If she doesn’t then it wasn’t meant to be. By space, it means space.

I’ve had girls go cold in the past. Respect their interest level and respect yourself. You’ll win some, you’ll lose some, but the ones you lose probably weren’t really there anyway.

[MichiganMate]

thank you, seeing her for 2 months (now would be 3) and she said a Lot of big things to me about kids, soulmates, perfect match etc.. which is why I probably got too over invested.

You're right about tennis thing. But things were so good before and now have cooled down.


My main question is I guess just, would be sending. int texts like, "hey juts checkgii in on you hoping you're having a good week" be good or not for someone who is BPD?

My thing is I don't want to wait 3 weeks or another month (it's already been a month) waiting for her to "decide". IT's unfair to me.

[PhoenixKnight]

It is unfair mate, but with comments like that (soul mates etc), that is incredibly premature at 2 months of dating. You need to take that as being a feeling how she felt at that time but her actions now would suggest otherwise.

Whilst it is cruel to come on strong with people, then start to flake/back away, she isn’t going this to hurt or purposefully play games with you. She is just acting on how she feels.

Personally I would wait it out, but you do whatever feels best. I would look up Coach Corey Wayne on YouTube. He’s also got a book called ’How to become a 3% Man’ which is an excellent self improvement guide for men. He is a life coach and gives advice on dating and relationships. He isn’t one of these pickup artist types, but promotes inner strength and not acting needy (which will push girls away).

[MichiganMate]

Yeah, it just is a super sucky feeling for me to have things said to me and now it's like I'm dust. Not cool.

Feels like she is doing this to hurt me, especially since she was so positive and happy when I mentioned and she ACCEPTED this date idea only to flake day before.

This is mainly why I came to this BPD board, to gain insight on how best to go about reviving this or helping this out. She said previously "things were moving too fast and I get uncomfortable easily" when she started to pull back.. so I stopped texting as often and would leave space in between texts.. and she still ended up flaking last time despite saying she "missed me" and how the date idea was perfect. I am so confused.

I've looked into Corey Wayne haha, but my issue is I don't want to be waiting a month or two or even 3 weeks for her to "think about it"w while I'm in limbo. And let's say in April she's like, "oh yeah I want to see you again". I just feel used or like a second option, it feels disrespectful to me.

[PhoenixKnight]

This behaviour isn’t just for those with BPD, it’s very common in dating, personality disordered or not. Women (especially pretty ones) have a lot of options, and tend to be speaking to more than one person at a time.

You can start to move on and look at your options without waiting round for her. The weird thing is, doing so will likely improve your chances as you won’t seem as desperate. If she comes back to you, great, if not, great. I would tread carefully without investigating all your emotion into this. There’s nothing wrong with hope, but don’t put your life on hold.

[PhoenixKnight]

My spelling tonight is awful btw (*investing)

[MichiganMate]

Yeah it just sucks because for 2 months we were all over each other, constantly texting, sending songs, gifts, etc... and then it just stopped on her end the date after she told me she was thinking about what our kids would be. Total mind PLEASE READ.

I just hate the idea of, "if she comes back to you, great"... like me not contacting her just feels like I am waiting around for her as you said (even if I am looking at other woman). Whereas if I ask her again and she says no, I can be the one to cut things off with her.

It's been very exhausting and I just want it to continue or be over with not this, "up in the air" thing toying with my emotions

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Basically for pepole with experience dealing with people with BPD, what is the best way to text her that makes it clear I can go at the pace she wants and not make her "uncomfortable"? I've already ruled out trying to call her, but am thinking maybe just "check in" texts asking how her day is and NOT trying to always make plans with her might better?

Some of this is a dating question and some is a BPD trait question. Let me split that out.

90% of relationships fail in the first 90 days. It's just a weird thing about dating. Someone (A) can have tried to start a relationship with someone else (B), it failed, and they (B) eventually starting seeing you (C). The person (A) had a relationship that failed and he rain into your girlfriend (B) and ...

I'm not saying this happened. I am saying that <90 day relationships are vulnerable to all kinds of external forces that can slow them or sink them that have nothing to do with you (or that you can fix).

This is not what any of us want to hear, but it is reality and the best thing to do is maintain our dignity and attractiveness (play it cool) and maybe thing change soon or in 6 months.

How to recover from being needy. Don't try to convince someone that you won't be needy. That is the ultimate neediness. Best thing is to be really interesting and less available. Let them pull you back in and come back slowly when they do. This will work provided something else isn't going on that is sinking the relationship.

People with BPD function just like everyone except they over-react positively and negatively to things and they are impulsive. Don't get on the roller coast and ride up and down with their highs and lows and impulses. Be a stable force.