hBPD Mom on the Warpath... Again

[todayistheday]

Went for a visit yesterday.  The parents are in their late 80s and live about 2 hours away.  My Dad, who I love dearly is almost 89.  (Mom is only a couple years behind) If not for him, I would not visit.  But due to his being there and so old and slowing down, I try to go every two or three weeks.  They are both still independent and both still drive, but not all that much.

Dad gets out and does some things, but Mom basically sits in her recliner, surfs facebook, plays solitaire on the computer and watches TV - political "news" shows, Dr. Phil, and Judge Judy.  She has not been out to eat since before the Pandemic.  She says that she wants to go, but when anyone suggests it, "no, I don't want to now."   Then other times, she claims she is "out of clothes" and needs to go shopping.  But she won't go.  She won't go on her own and if anyone offers to take her, she still won't go.  Dr. appointments, buying groceries, and coming to my house for Thanksgiving the last two years are all she has been out of the house since the Pandemic.  That is not much of a decrease since before it.   The Pandemic really did not change her life very much.  For doctor appointments, they always take the first appointment offered to them and it's like they are inflexibly written in stone.  She also complains and resents my Dad going out.

She treats Dad very badly.  She barely speaks to him most of the time.  She then has weeklong rages over stupid nothing things when he hasn't done exactly what she wants.  She has mostly left me out of her rages and treatment since an event back in 1992.  She started criticizing me at a large party she was giving -- privately in the kitchen -- because I wasn't doing exactly what she wanted.  I knew nothing about BPD at the time. But I wasn't in the mood, so I looked at her, said "I don't have to take this."  Picked up my purse and left without saying goodbye to anyone at the party.   When learning about BPD and fear of abandonment, I realized that this was the perfect way to handle her.  She's now mostly afraid that I'll leave so she always treats me normally.  I know her rages.  I was the scapegoat child growing up.

Yesterday, I went to their city.  My car needed servicing and the place I bought it from is in their city.  So I'd made an appointment to get it serviced yesterday, planning to visit with them if they didn't have other Dr. appts, etc.  that day, or just hanging out at the dealership if they did.   

Dad came to the car dealership to pick me up when I got there.  We had made some plans for the morning.  Get breakfast and visit a mutual friend.  He told her our plans.  I called him when I got to town and he left their house a little before 10.  We got back to their house around 11:30.  When we got to their house she was furious.  Even I got a little bit of her treatment.  She said "If I'd known you'd be so long, I could have gone to the shopping."   Then she watched the weather and said that she can't go to the store tomorrow (now today) because it would be raining.  She was even giving me the silent treatment that she gives Dad.  I could tell she was angry.  He told me later that "it" hit the fan after I left and may calm down in a week.  He was gone less than two hours and got in a fast food breakfast and a visit.  But... she wasn't center of attention.  Despite the fact that I did not get to spend any time with him last visit.

I have again the past year become part of her target again, after 30 years of relative peace from her.  I am the one who she got mad at when my Dad had complications from a surgery.  The surgeon who was to fix the issue was (also) a mutual friend of my Dad and me.  So I contacted him directly and got the ball rolling to get him in sooner.  And then the surgeon called my cell the night after the surgery to see how he was doing -- outside of what he usually does for a patient.  Again, she wasn't in control and I was.  Yes, I'd do it again, I was taking care of my Dad and I won't let her behavior stop that.  It doesn't keep it from being frustrating.

Now that my "free pass" from her behavior is slipping, it's even more annoying.  I had only been worried the past years about how she treats Dad.   Now I have to not only try to protect him from "getting into trouble" because of me, I have to watch my own back too.

[Notwendy]

Sounds similar to my situation with my parents when my father was alive.

Do what you feel is the right thing for him and hold on to knowing that. In my situation, looking out for Dad put me in persecutor position with BPD mother. She took victim perspective, and Dad - her rescuer - and bonded with her "against" me.

I still believe I tried my best with him, whether or not he understood that. Your father is enmeshed with BPD mother- mine was as well. If I had any clash with her, her will, her feelings, prevailed. It was as if they were the same person.

Still, I cared about my father and see that you do too.

[zachira]

In my experiences with my many disordered family members, a mother with BPD, etc.,......... I find that the personality disorders get worse with age. This does not mean that you have to tolerate being abused by your mother. You can only set boundaries for yourself and likely cannot really protect your father from being abused by your mother unless he agrees to let you. I too am a scapegoat and have at times been able to have more control over how much I am targeted and other times am extremely overwhelmed by suddenly becoming a main target again. It seems your mother is getting worse which is likely because of her age and increasing dissatisfaction with how she is losing more and more control of her life, as we can't control how much our health and what we are able to do goes down hill with aging. What kind of boundaries do you think you need to have with your mother now? It can be so frustrating to think of having to set more boundaries as the old boundaries are enough until we need to set even stricter ones. We ask ourselves when is this going to end. The only guarantee is that there will be changes and that the relationship with your mother will end at some point.

[Notwendy]

You can only set boundaries for yourself and likely cannot really protect your father from being abused by your mother unless he agrees to let you.

I even called social services about how my mother was treating my father. Their reply was as long as he was legally competent- and he himself would not admit to it - there was nothing I could do.

In retrospect- my parents' relationship was complex- and long standing- and a function of the two of them. He was as much a part of their dynamics as she was. Even if I had good intentions, trying to "rescue" Dad had unintended consequences. In any attempts to intervene in what BPD mother wants- her wishes prevail.

I've experienced similar situations if I was out with my father. My BPD mother also tends to stay home while "directing" others to do what she wants for her. Even so, she has to remain in control and be informed. She'd call his cell phone frequently- wanting to know our wherabouts. If we were going to get groceries and stopped for coffee- she'd have to stay informed of that.

When you visited, you scheduled something for yourself- putting your car in for repair- and your father helped you with that. Dad took his focus off her during that time. Doesn't matter if you did or didn't get to spend time with him last visit. The feelings are in the moment.

I have learned that when visiting BPD mother- the focus needs to be on her, on her time, on her schedule (which may change) and doing things she wants to be done. It's also likely that she will find something I did or didn't do- to her liking.

I have also done what you did when you left the party. Once she began to criticise me, and I just picked up my purse and left her house and went home. I think this surprised her, but not tolerating verbal abuse is a boundary.