Insecurities and jealousy

[Benji]

Hi my Partner and I have been together for nearly two years. such a short time but so much has happened. At about the six month point he angrily told me he loved me... it was not his intention to fall in love. From that point on my weeks has been in a cycle of love / hate.
The biggest issue he has is resentment towards me and jealousy about past relationships I've had, well before he existed in my life.
He has spent a large portion of his life addicted to drugs of one form or another. He is currently attempting recovery. The resentment stems from time that he has lost and on the flip side things I have done. I don't offer too much about what I have done as I noticed early on this caused resentment. I've kept it very low key, but it doesn't matter because he has this view I am better than him. I tell him over and over I am not, and highlight things he has done, its not enough.
The jealousy is related to my past relationships and a whole load of ideas he has about them.
He gets triggered by many many things and it really sets him off. Thankfully he works away a lot and that keeps the physical violence down but not the verbal.
Its the blind rage, you only see coming at the last second. In most instances I do not help when this happens because his words are so horrid I lose it. Then there's the violent response, which I also will respond too, but that's more out of absolute fear and hits the flight or fight response button.
If I try to calm things down he says I am appeasing him and calls me a liar and the rest. If I challenge his view he says I am lying. If I say I need time to consider his words he says I am avoiding. If I say nothing he says I am being condescending.
The hatred and venom he throws at me makes me feel physically sick.
I have read a great deal and tried to implement calm and peace to settle it all down but I struggle with remaining calm and often that just ignites him.
He says the thoughts just pop into his head, he actually hates his head. He is getting counselling but I don't see much coming out of it. The  most recent counselling has been going for well over a year now. Although he has spent most of his adult life in counselling. When thoughts pop into his head he just sends a message as vile as the the thought.
So that's what happened yesterday again called me all the names he could imagine. I actually hadn't even had a chance to respond to anything so it was just one text after another after another. Each getting worse with its intent. At the end of it I said enough, "you obviously find me disgusting as you have said this so many times. I don't think I am right for you, I can see how angry I make you."

This is probably about the 100th time I've said enough I can't do this anymore. As soon as I say that, he calms down, but its not the way I want a relationship to be.
18 months, every week for at least 4 to 5 days its this.

I have said: I am exhausted,  the chaos is too much and I don't think I can do this. We are not good for one another, the relationship is unhealthy, I trigger you so much its awful for you.

I don't like the person I have become, I hate walking on egg shells, I hate crying all the time, I hate the fact that he is coming home next week and I have said you can't stay here it is not safe for either of us. I hate the yelling from both of us and I hate being hit and responding. I have tried to end it but he just says he is refusing to leave me and so it continues.

Somewhere in amongst all of that there are moments when I know how much I love him and he loves me. That's the thing and sometimes I can stop him when he is just raging at 100 miles an hour, I say I love you. sometimes it calms, but sometimes it does not and leads to even more anger. I re read the above and feel like a crazy person, but its actually really going on. I've never been in a relationship like it.

Thank you for reading.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Kashi]

It was easier for me because my person wasn't "burnt" in numerous relationships.

What worked for me probably won't work for you. 

We had a discussion about jealously and how we would deal with it

It was about listening and not trivializing what they said. 

If they feel jealous or you do, then that is real and deserves a real conversation.

One where nobody feels small for discussing it.

I said anytime you feel like that you tell me about it.   I want to hear it and I won't put you down for feeling that. 

I will do the same.   I did use it once. 

We used that method, and it was calm.  The person knew I didn't want them to feel like that.

Knew that our home was a protected space.  Above all else.   

It worked.

That was one of the things that did work.  For years.

[Kashi]

Also you hit a wall

Once you hit the wall that is it

Sounds like you have

It's hard to roll that back

Safe is what you both need to be.   He needs to understand that.   You need to make it clear.   

[once removed]

hi Benji,

you sound exhausted 

there are a lot of moving parts here. loving a jealous person can be challenging to say the least; it was one of the things that strained my relationship the most.

Thankfully he works away a lot and that keeps the physical violence down but not the verbal.

when violence is present in a relationship, the challenges are even steeper. professionals will tell you that making inroads with everything else going on is especially difficult when that is the case, and it stands to reason; it precludes things like building trust, or a safe, loving relationship environment.

can you say more about this? how many incidents have there been? how recently was the last incident?