I don’t think he wants to be alone

[RPR24]

I posted before about some issues with my husband who I suspect may have BPD.
I have come to the conclusion that he doesn’t want to split up because he is afraid of being alone.
Surely he must realise there are huge issues in our marriage.
There has been no intimacy for several years and I am not affectionate to him at all. I avoid going out with him when it’s just the two of us and I haven’t told him I love him in who knows how long.
We did come close to separating a couple of years ago and his response was ‘I will die alone if we separate’. Nothing to do with love etc.
He talks about our future as if there is nothing wrong with our marriage. I am getting more and more frustrated and resentful that he cannot see how unhappy I am and that our marriage is in serious trouble.
It feels like deep down he knows, but he chooses to keep his head in the sand and would rather stay in a loveless (on my part anyway) soulless marriage because he is afraid of dying alone.
Meanwhile I feel like I am dying inside a little bit everyday.

[Gerda]

I looked back at your previous posts, and your husband sounds similar to mine in a lot of ways. The rage meltdowns over minor things, the victim mentality, always blaming others, etc.

The main difference is that mine won't allow me to not be physically affectionate with him. He actually grabs me and forces me to hug him and kiss him and coerces me into having sex with him (he hasn't actually physically forced to have sex with him, at least not yet, maybe that would be too obviously rape). I think that, in his mind, he can force me to love him by forcing me to hug/kiss/have sex. He even said so, in a way. He said I have to "fake it 'til you make it," and that he's "a very physical person" who only cares about the physical world, and everything wrong with our relationship is "all in your head." As long as I'm behaving outwardly in a physically affectionate way, what I feel inside doesn't matter.

He doesn't seem to actually like anything about me as a person. He's ranted and raged about how much he hates my hobbies, my interests, etc. He's ranted and raged about what a dumbass I am, how immature I am, how incompetent I am, etc. He's even speculated that I might be a sociopath. I've said that if he really thinks I'm as horrible as that, why doesn't he divorce me? Then he'll freak out like "are you going to divorce me? What lawyer have you been talking to? How dare you ruin our lives like that!" etc.

So he hates me, but he really doesn't want to get a divorce. (Except for when he's in a rage and says he wants a divorce, but then he takes it back later.) We went to marriage counseling for a few months and then he quit because he thought the counselor was being too hard on him, and she had no idea what she was talking about, and this was all a big waste of money. He can't admit to anything he might be doing wrong. He says he's an excellent father and husband and I am just so spoiled that I don't realize how good I have it.

I guess that's why they describe BPD as "I hate you, don't leave me."

I saw in your previous posts that it would be really hard for you to leave because you have a special needs child and it would be hard to split the house. Are you sure about that? Sometimes those kinds of things seem like bigger obstacles at first than they really are. Do you have supportive family or friends who might be able to help you out? Even if you really can't leave him, having a support network still helps with the stress of living with someone like this every day.

[EyesUp]

@RPR24,

It sounds like you're wrestling with the implications of making a choice for both you and your H - is that right?   

It occurs to me that for all couples, there is a 50% chance of dying alone.  Someone has to go first, right?  (sorry for the dark humor...).

My grandparents were married for over 60 years and were deeply enmeshed, in later years they were unable to be apart for more than an hour or two.  The family assumed that after one of them passed away, the other would likely follow.  However, to everyone's surprise, after my grandfather passed, my grandmother had something of a renaissance in her late 80s, and went on to live many more years - spending time with family, reconnecting with friends, and gladly/readily retiring from the caretaker role she had in her marriage...

What do you think would actually happen if you and H were to split - for each of you?

Also, the inverse:  What happens if you remain together?

[ForeverDad]

So if you face demands or coercion that you give away your Must-Have terms, then you can accept that "I've tried but my attempts have failed."  You've concluded you'll never Gift Away enough of yourself to satisfy your spouse's Black Hole, not unless you've given everything away and left yourself feeling cheated of life and peace.

The Bridge
The Backyard Black Hole

[RPR24]

Thank you all for your replies. Sorry, can’t work out how to quote on my phone.

@Gerda - if we separate we have to sell the house and our house has been modified to give our child more independence.
I absolutely cant take that away from my child.

@EyesUp - yes I’m wrestling with the implications of that choice.
If we split - I’m hopeful that down the track I will meet someone who I can have a respectful, emotionally & physically fulfilling relationship with. If I don’t meet anyone then so be it, but I just cannot imagine being in this current situation for the rest of my life  I am so emotionally and physically disconnected from him after all the raging, blaming, victim mentality & passive aggression that I know I am at the point of no return.
I crave emotional and physical closeness. Sometimes I crave it so badly I feel like I can’t breathe.

My H unfortunately, is very dependent on me. His only close friend passed away several years ago, and whilst he is friends with the men in our social circle, he never initiates social events or catch ups. His social life revolves around me and what I organise. So I have this huge guilt around separating from him.
I feel like he is emotionally and socially dependent on me and it’s suffocating!


And I’ve never been good with confrontation either, I’m a people pleaser. And my mum was quite toxic when it came to marriage as well. I grew up being told that all she ever wanted was to get married and have children. She pushed me to go out on dates even if I didn’t want to. When my first boyfriend and I broke up (he was emotionally abusive) my mum, in a moment of anger, said to me ‘no wonder he broke up with you’. I didn’t have a date for my high school formal, they asked my brother’s friend if he would take me. A few days before he confessed he didn’t want to go. My mum asked him to wear the suit he hired and come over beforehand so she could take photos of the two of us dressed up. Wtf? My takeaway from that was it was embarrassing to go solo.. So many times growing up it was reinforced to me that life is better with a partner, even if they are not the right one.

@ForeverDad - I do feel cheated of life and peace.
I also feel like it’s all too overwhelming and I don’t even know how to find the strength and courage to make things better.

[Gerda]

Thank you all for your replies. Sorry, can’t work out how to quote on my phone.

@Gerda - if we separate we have to sell the house and our house has been modified to give our child more independence.
I absolutely cant take that away from my child.

His social life revolves around me and what I organize. So I have this huge guilt around separating from him.
I feel like he is emotionally and socially dependent on me and it’s suffocating!

Are you sure you'd have to sell the house? I've just started doing research on this myself because my husband really wants to keep our house, and our house is paid off. I think he'd have to take out some kind of loan or reverse mortgage or something like that to pay me for my half of it. He's not going to like that, but that will be what he'll have to do.

Would you be able to afford to stay in the house and pay your husband back for his half of it? I can't remember if you mentioned in any of your previous posts if you have your own income or not.

As for his social life, my husband is that same way too. He doesn't have any friends. He just has me, his mom, and his sister and brother. And his mom is elderly and his siblings don't even get along with him that well. I know this sounds cold, but that's kind of his problem. I tried to get him to be friends with my friends, but over the years he's alienated all of them in one way or another. If you're a jerk to everyone you know, you eventually die alone. That's just how it goes.

[ForeverDad]

Are you sure you'd have to sell the house?

Would you be able to afford to stay in the house and pay your husband back for his half of it?

Remember that we're not discussing the valuation of the house.  It is the equity which would be split, which of course is based on the property's valuation minus any mortgages.

Also, if you paid more than your ex for the down payment or installment payments, then that could increase the split in your favor.