Past the Point of No Return- Christian Topic

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Quick recap- I was married 24 years, separated for 19 months, divorced 2 weeks ago.  During the separation, my BPD wife would not even consider trying to reconcile.  She left with her eyes on another man, someone she spends at least 6 days a week with as "friends".  She works for him in his home taking care of his handicapped son, but she goes to work early and leaves several hours after her shift, plus they go on multiple "dates" each week.  Maybe it's a relationship, maybe not, but I was clearly replaced before she even left.

Although my wife and this man are Christians, I dug into my Bible and really tried to discern what God was telling me to do.  There's two Biblical exceptions for divorce- adultery and an unbeliever walking away.  Over time, I accepted that the label "Christian" is not as important to God as actually following His commandments and honoring the covenant of marriage, so I began thinking of her as a non-believer.  She also told me that she was tempted with this guy and something "almost happened" a week before she left me, so I felt like she met both criteria for Biblical divorce.

Regardless though, I continued to treat her kindly and offer emotional support whenever she needed it.  She's had 2 or 3 meltdowns over the past 18 months and talked things out with me both times, and in each of those instances I told her to go to God and repent, to give him the pain she's carrying.  She said that she's tried and He hasn't answered, which makes sense to me since she's not living like a Christian should.  Not that she's terrible or evil, but she did throw away her marriage to chase another guy.

The other side of that coin, her reasons for leaving, were single incidents that have happened throughout our marriage...and all of them happening 15+ years ago.  Most of these things she's seeing things through a jaded lens and taking no responsibility, which is fine...I don't want to discuss the distant past of who was right or wrong.  We all fall short and we're supposed to forgive as the Lord forgives us.  Yet she hasn't...for 15+ years.  So I wonder if she's been separated from God for a very long time.

The reason I'm sharing this today is because two nights ago, we had a really tough time with our BPD adult kid.  Long story short, her engine blew up and she had to have a car from work.  I couldn't help, my ex refused to help, and my kid melted down, saying she'd kill herself because her mom thought she was a mistake.  Both of them spiraled off each others negative energy and it was a really bad night.

Once I got my BPD kid calmed down, I called my ex to make sure she was okay.  My other (non-bpd) daughter told me that she was crying for hours and couldn't calm down.  So I talked to her about the situation, said everything is working out, and she didn't have to worry about that anymore.  But then she said, "It's not just that.  I don't believe in divorce, but I just couldn't be married to you.  I just couldn't."

I've had a message on my heart this entire time, and it finally came out.  I told her that marriage is between three...with God in the center.  And when things are tough, you go to God for guidance and direction.  I also told her that I have completely forgiven her, that I understood why she had to leave since she was so emotionally unstable, and I did my best to wait things out for her to have a chance to turn to God.

Again, she repeated that she turned to God and he didn't help.  But the help she wanted was adultery and breaking a covenant; she still has zero intention of trying to work things out.  It really feels like God is working on her rebellious heart though and I don't know what to do with that.

I messaged her yesterday to check in and simply asked if she was doing better.  Three hours later, I got a text that said "yea."  Not a word since.  She went to a concert with the boyfriend/not boyfriend last night.

Those that have followed my story know that I met someone online that lives in the Philippines- an amazing Christian woman who I genuinely love and share everything with.  We've talked about starting the fiancée visa process soon, which takes six months to a year.  But now I'm second guessing everything- have I moved too fast?

To be honest, I don't want my wife back and I want nothing to do with that hurt/judgement any longer.  I have healed and moved on.  But at the same time, my #1 priority is honoring God and doing what's right by Him.  What do I do?

[Pook075]

Quick recap- I was married 24 years, separated for 19 months, divorced 2 weeks ago.  During the separation, my BPD wife would not even consider trying to reconcile.  She left with her eyes on another man, someone she spends at least 6 days a week with as "friends".  She works for him in his home taking care of his handicapped son, but she goes to work early and leaves several hours after her shift, plus they go on multiple "dates" each week.  Maybe it's a relationship, maybe not, but I was clearly replaced before she even left.

Although my wife and this man are Christians, I dug into my Bible and really tried to discern what God was telling me to do.  There's two Biblical exceptions for divorce- adultery and an unbeliever walking away.  Over time, I accepted that the label "Christian" is not as important to God as actually following His commandments and honoring the covenant of marriage, so I began thinking of her as a non-believer.  She also told me that she was tempted with this guy and something "almost happened" a week before she left me, so I felt like she met both criteria for Biblical divorce.

Regardless though, I continued to treat her kindly and offer emotional support whenever she needed it.  She's had 2 or 3 meltdowns over the past 18 months and talked things out with me both times, and in each of those instances I told her to go to God and repent, to give him the pain she's carrying.  She said that she's tried and He hasn't answered, which makes sense to me since she's not living like a Christian should.  Not that she's terrible or evil, but she did throw away her marriage to chase another guy.

The other side of that coin, her reasons for leaving, were single incidents that have happened throughout our marriage...and all of them happening 15+ years ago.  Most of these things she's seeing things through a jaded lens and taking no responsibility, which is fine...I don't want to discuss the distant past of who was right or wrong.  We all fall short and we're supposed to forgive as the Lord forgives us.  Yet she hasn't...for 15+ years.  So I wonder if she's been separated from God for a very long time.

The reason I'm sharing this today is because two nights ago, we had a really tough time with our BPD adult kid.  Long story short, her engine blew up and she had to have a car from work.  I couldn't help, my ex refused to help, and my kid melted down, saying she'd kill herself because her mom thought she was a mistake.  Both of them spiraled off each others negative energy and it was a really bad night.

Once I got my BPD kid calmed down, I called my ex to make sure she was okay.  My other (non-bpd) daughter told me that she was crying for hours and couldn't calm down.  So I talked to her about the situation, said everything is working out, and she didn't have to worry about that anymore.  But then she said, "It's not just that.  I don't believe in divorce, but I just couldn't be married to you.  I just couldn't."

I've had a message on my heart this entire time, and it finally came out.  I told her that marriage is between three...with God in the center.  And when things are tough, you go to God for guidance and direction.  I also told her that I have completely forgiven her, that I understood why she had to leave since she was so emotionally unstable, and I did my best to wait things out for her to have a chance to turn to God.

Again, she repeated that she turned to God and he didn't help.  But the help she wanted was adultery and breaking a covenant; she still has zero intention of trying to work things out.  It really feels like God is working on her rebellious heart though and I don't know what to do with that.

I messaged her yesterday to check in and simply asked if she was doing better.  Three hours later, I got a text that said "yea."  Not a word since.  She went to a concert with the boyfriend/not boyfriend last night.

Those that have followed my story know that I met someone online that lives in the Philippines- an amazing Christian woman who I genuinely love and share everything with.  We've talked about starting the fiancée visa process soon, which takes six months to a year.  But now I'm second guessing everything- have I moved too fast?

To be honest, I don't want my wife back and I want nothing to do with that hurt/judgement any longer.  I have healed and moved on.  But at the same time, my #1 priority is honoring God and doing what's right by Him.  What do I do?

[kells76]

Hey, good to hear you bringing this up  Couple of thoughts...

24 years (288 months) is a significant amount of time. That's a huge percent of your life that was spent not single, and you and your exW shared a lot: children, memories, experiences that formed you both.

To me, a 19 month separation is not that much time, comparatively, and neither is 2 weeks of being officially divorced (there's a workshop on starting new relationships that talks about timing a bit).

Online relationships present their own unique challenges, on top of that.

I think at some level you're on board with all of that.

It seems like a good thing to notice, that you are willing to ask yourself if you are moving too quickly. I wonder if there is fear at work, and avoiding the discomfort of those fears is part of the drive to connect? Or something else?

My H and his kids' mom were separated for 6 months before the divorce. H and I met 2 months after the divorce and started a serious relationship ~5 months after the divorce. Looking back, I would not regret slowing it down. There would be no loss (besides increasing my discomfort) to tapping the brakes. If either of us had been the kind of person to say "if we tap the brakes, I'm done" -- then is that really the kind of relationship I'd want to be in?

You can't do anything to throw off God's plans. He's going to do what He's going to do -- if we really could "mess up" God's plans for our lives, then wouldn't we have more power than He does?

He makes us who we are with our desires, fears, weaknesses, and doubts. He's writing your story. Slowing it down wouldn't be "messing up" God's plan, at least, from my POV.

Anyway -- I wonder if fear of losing the relationship with your GF is part of not wanting to slow things down? I may be wrong -- that's OK. Just a thought.

What is actually the worst case scenario for pushing pause?

[Pook075]

I wonder if fear of losing the relationship with your GF is part of not wanting to slow things down? I may be wrong -- that's OK. Just a thought.

What is actually the worst case scenario for pushing pause?

This may be the root of my turmoil- I became friends with my girlfriend online and we almost instantly clicked...but insisted on going slow because I was still married.  My goal was to reconcile and I wasn't looking for a relationship (and obviously not a hook-up due to the distance aspect).  She was also around 6 months out of a failed relationship, so it worked.

However, as things go in life, I quickly fell for her and the "take it as slowly as possible" thing sort of went out the window.  Within a few months I flew to the Philippines and met her, spending two weeks with her family.  It was an incredibly humbling experience seeing the Philippines and realizing how blessed we are in the USA.  It's a beautiful country with amazing people, and because I'm a man and I'm dumb, we began making plans maybe 6 months ago.  Buying land there, bringing her and her son over here, building a house there for summer vacations and eventually retire there.  (things are dirt cheap in the Philippines and you could live very well for $500-1000 US per month)

In November, I was laid off my job and haven't found work...which has never been a problem before.  So I thought, is God telling me something?  And I told her that we had to slow down until the divorce finalized.  She's a faithful Christian and she agreed that everything should be in God's time, not our time, but this also hurt her.  We worked through it, talking it out for countless hours on end, and that's one of the reasons I love her...we can work through stuff together and be vulnerable.

She's not rushing me, but we are both excited for the next chapter of our lives.  I don't know how to say, "We should continue to take things slow to wait on my wife...who I divorced and no longer love like that."  It sounds crazy even typing that because I'd devastate her over something I don't even want.

I realize this is 100% my fault and I've prayed many times that if I was on the wrong path, to show me.  Things continue to be great though (other than financially...I'm limping by and God is providing).  Maybe you're right, maybe is is fear and my own self-doubt sabotaging the path I'm on.

[Augustine]

Nine months after I ended my relationship, and after nine months of zero contact, I had an epiphany: I was still resolutely sleeping on what she deemed to be my side of the bed.

You are still emotionally wedded to your former wife, and dismantling 24-years of ingrained behavioural patterns is going to take some time.

You have been separated from your wife in name only, but not in practice.

You need to experience a bona fide separation, with no contact, allowing yourself time to heal and reflect, before your perspective will change.

I hope you will do so.

[Notwendy]

But now I'm second guessing everything- have I moved too fast?

To be honest, I don't want my wife back and I want nothing to do with that hurt/judgement any longer.  I have healed and moved on.  But at the same time, my #1 priority is honoring God and doing what's right by Him.  What do I do?

 I don't know how to say, "We should continue to take things slow to wait on my wife...who I divorced and no longer love like that."  It sounds crazy even typing that because I'd devastate her over something I don't even want.


These are the parts that raise some questions. I don't think anyone can know all that goes on in a relationship- or even what God wants from you. These are personal questions but I also think it's worth exploring them because I think within the moral struggle, we arrive at our answers.

According to your posts, you are now divorced within the guidelines of your religious beliefs and now also legally divorced. You are still in a relationship with your ex wife as co-parents but also your children are adults. What is it that you feel you still have to wait for with regards to your ex wife, now that you don't have the obligations of a husband?

As to your current relationship- you made some plans with your GF that were sincere at the time, however, some things have changed. A big change is financial. Are you still able to bring her and her son over to your country and provide for them? This is not a circumstance you could have planned for and now thing are different.

You had a barrier to bringing her over as a fiancee because you were married. Because of this, you may or may not have looked more closely at other possible concerns. Now that this barrier is not there, you are feeling other emotions.

It seems you are possibly wanting to slow down, and balancing that out with asking your GF to wait longer. You fear this will hurt her feelings and also possibly jeapordize the relationship. I agree with Kells' statement about if someone put the relationship on too quick a timeline, that could be a concern but also on her part- it's understandable that she doesn't want to have her plans on hold either. I think it comes down to each of you having a choice. It's your choice to wait or not. It's her choice to decide to wait or not too.

These are questions only you can answer and I hope they help you arrive at what you feel is best for you to do.

[Mutt]

Those that have followed my story know that I met someone online that lives in the Philippines- an amazing Christian woman who I genuinely love and share everything with.  We've talked about starting the fiancée visa process soon, which takes six months to a year.  But now I'm second guessing everything- have I moved too fast?

You were married for 24 years, separated for 19 and by the time  that the visa is processed, you'll be separated for 25 to 31 months, give or take of course judging by the time that you start the process.

How do you think that you'll feel several months to a year from now?

If you look back at the times that you've had an interaction with your ex, is there a pattern with how it conjures up feelings of self doubt?

[Pook075]

[You had a barrier to bringing her over as a fiancee because you were married. Because of this, you may or may not have looked more closely at other possible concerns. Now that this barrier is not there, you are feeling other emotions.

It seems you are possibly wanting to slow down, and balancing that out with asking your GF to wait longer. You fear this will hurt her feelings and also possibly jeapordize the relationship.

Thanks Wendy!  When I read this, my first thought was "I don't want to slow down at all...the emotions haven't changed". 

I've briefly talked to my wife over the weekend about the kids, but she hasn't mentioned anything else about marriage or reconciliation.  I think I need to just give my remaining feelings to God and stop second-guessing myself over how things have played out. 

As you said, I am now divorced and I need to stop putting my ex's feelings above my own.  I appreciate your perspective!

[Pook075]

You were married for 24 years, separated for 19 and by the time  that the visa is processed, you'll be separated for 25 to 31 months, give or take of course judging by the time that you start the process.

How do you think that you'll feel several months to a year from now?

If you look back at the times that you've had an interaction with your ex, is there a pattern with how it conjures up feelings of self doubt?

Right now, things are very hard- limited money, getting the house ready to sell alone (ex-wife refuses to help), not knowing where I'll live a few months from now since my credit is bad from unemployment and falling behind.  Also, I'm clearing out 25 years of stuff, so there's memories attached there too. 

Generally, my mood is upbeat other than feeling overwhelmed with the house stuff.  I'm 50 and overweight due to 20 years with a desk job, so painting, boxing stuff up, hauling trash to the dump, moving furniture, packing stuff up...it's all kicked my butt something fierce!  I laugh at myself because my back and arms always hurt; I just can't grind out manual labor 10 hours a day anymore.

Spiritually is where I struggle since the Bible says that even if there's adultery or abandonment, we're supposed to try and reconcile.  I did that in good faith and have no regrets waiting, but I never expected to meet someone incredible during that time period either.  Our relationship is fantastic and it's a very easy choice for me...but the back of my mind still second-guesses if it's God's plan. 

Honestly, it has nothing to do with feelings for my ex.  Maybe I'm just torturing myself for nothing.

As each month passes, my life should continue to get better.  Selling the house will have me debt free and around $70-100k in the bank, so I'll have some flexibility on what to do next.  Even without immediate work, I can bring my fiancee and her son over here comfortably.  I would need regular employment though before I could get a mortgage on a new home.

[Notwendy]

Thanks Wendy!  When I read this, my first thought was "I don't want to slow down at all...the emotions haven't changed". 

I've briefly talked to my wife over the weekend about the kids, but she hasn't mentioned anything else about marriage or reconciliation.  I think I need to just give my remaining feelings to God and stop second-guessing myself over how things have played out. 

As you said, I am now divorced and I need to stop putting my ex's feelings above my own.  I appreciate your perspective!

I think this is an answer--

[SinisterComplex]

Right now, things are very hard- limited money, getting the house ready to sell alone (ex-wife refuses to help), not knowing where I'll live a few months from now since my credit is bad from unemployment and falling behind.  Also, I'm clearing out 25 years of stuff, so there's memories attached there too. 

Generally, my mood is upbeat other than feeling overwhelmed with the house stuff.  I'm 50 and overweight due to 20 years with a desk job, so painting, boxing stuff up, hauling trash to the dump, moving furniture, packing stuff up...it's all kicked my butt something fierce!  I laugh at myself because my back and arms always hurt; I just can't grind out manual labor 10 hours a day anymore.

Spiritually is where I struggle since the Bible says that even if there's adultery or abandonment, we're supposed to try and reconcile.  I did that in good faith and have no regrets waiting, but I never expected to meet someone incredible during that time period either.  Our relationship is fantastic and it's a very easy choice for me...but the back of my mind still second-guesses if it's God's plan. 

Honestly, it has nothing to do with feelings for my ex.  Maybe I'm just torturing myself for nothing.

As each month passes, my life should continue to get better.  Selling the house will have me debt free and around $70-100k in the bank, so I'll have some flexibility on what to do next.  Even without immediate work, I can bring my fiancee and her son over here comfortably.  I would need regular employment though before I could get a mortgage on a new home.

Brother, change the perspective...okay so you are 50. Guess what you get to do? A clean slate and live the way you want to. Enjoy and embrace the journey. Your age is not a detractor, but rather it is a huge advantage and asset. You are overweight...hey it happens, but that doesn't define you. Start now and focus becoming who you want to be for YOU. Your life is certainly going to get better. You are too measured and resilient to not succeed my friend.

All the best to you moving forward. 

Cheers and Best Wishes!

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[Pook075]

Brother, change the perspective...okay so you are 50. Guess what you get to do? A clean slate and live the way you want to. Enjoy and embrace the journey. Your age is not a detractor, but rather it is a huge advantage and asset. You are overweight...hey it happens, but that doesn't define you. Start now and focus becoming who you want to be for YOU. Your life is certainly going to get better. You are too measured and resilient to not succeed my friend.

All the best to you moving forward. 

Cheers and Best Wishes!

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I genuinely appreciate it- and solid advice too!