Introduction - my (maybe BPD?) daughter and me

[SendingKindness]

Hi, another newbie here, so thought I’d better introduce myself, rather than just lurking!

While she is not officially diagnosed (she has absolutely no interest in seeing a doctor about this!), I feel that BPD may be the closest description I can find for my adult (39 yo) daughter. Not that labels are so important, but I am trying to understand how to relate to her and hopefully help her. So far, with all the reading and research I’ve done, this seems like the diagnosis that resonates with me the most and may guide me to the most useful tools for coping with this situation.

While she had what I think was a 'normal' upbringing, and was my adored daughter growing up, in recent years she has gone through several stressful experiences and that seems to have brought to the fore some distressing parts of her personality, including a hot temper. She has always been very sensitive, jealous of her siblings and never satisfied with her share of family love, time or resources. This despite my repeated attempts to reassure her and make her feel loved. As an adult, these traits seemed to have intensified.

For the last 3 years, she has been blaming me for everything that is wrong with her life. Everything that goes wrong, she manages to figure out some convoluted way that it is my fault! There was a 2.5 year period of complete estrangement, then re connection in the last year, when she was at a financial low. During stressful periods she has terrible rages and accuses me of horrible things, including all kinds of abuse (that of course never took place). While she started her adult life fairly well (2 university degrees, some good professional jobs), she has now alienated almost all her family, long time friends and business associates, who don't want to put up with her angry rages and rage texting. She has lost employment due to her rages and has not been able to maintain a romantic relationship, so is single. I think as she is now getting close to 40, this is another stressor for her, as she sees friends have almost all married and are having babies. This seems like torture for her to see as she is so worried about ending up alone.

Although she is trying very hard to reestablish her professional career, she isn't currently working and friends tell me she is seen as 'radioactive' amongst her professional peers. I am helping her out, rather than see her lose her home and possibly get even worse. I worry about the line between support and enabling, but can't stand the thought of her on the street. I am trying not to be a victim of financial abuse - I am retired and can't support her indefinitely. I hope she can somehow get back on her feet so she has a way forward when I am no longer around. She has been estranged from her father (my ex) for several years.

I have been in counselling myself and feel like I’m mostly in a good place (for now). I have been reading and learning as much as I can find about adult child estrangement, psychosis, narcissistic personality disorder and BPD. I have attended a few webinars for those with loved ones with BPD. So far, this seems like the best fit, and many of the traits resonate with things I recognize in my daughter, even when she was young. The tools I have been learning on for BPD family members (empathy, validation) seem to be the most successful when dealing with my daughter.

Sorry this is so long – if anyone has any thoughts about my daughter and BPD traits, I’m very open to hearing and learning what ever I can to help her and hopefully have a better relationship. 

I really appreciate that this group exists and will continue to read and post when I feel I have something useful or helpful to say!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi SendingKIndness and thanks for posting. It is certainly not too long -it is easier to reply when there are quite a few details, so one can 'get the picture' to some extent.

It does sound like BPD, especially the blaming, the rewriting of history/events, anger etc. I can see why you include other things that you have looked at eg NPD.

On my journey with BPD dd I looked at possibilities such as Asperges Syndrome etc. I think BPD features overlap with other disorders so it can be difficult to know what condition has a particular set of features. My dd was diagnoses many years ago now and I see the core features as:

- acute sense of abandonment which is easily triggered. In my dd's case this shows in the need to be the centre of attention, so that this intense feeling is put on hold. When the abandonment is triggered my dd has said 'she wants to die'.

- intense emotions that don't respond to reason.

- borderline features. The name 'borderline' expresses the fact that the person can move in and out of psychosis, with 'memories' that have been put together from reality and unreality eg other people's stories etc

- there is often a 'target of blame' and it seems to be the person who is the most supportive etc.

It is such a complex illness for everyone involved. Have you come across the advice not to 'JADE'? ie Judge/Argue/Defend/Explain.

I find this really helpful because trying to use reason to respond to intense emotion just doesn't work in my experience.

I think your dd may be high functioning BPD. There is a huge spectrum of functioning with this illness. It is not surprising that things are exploding at this point in time. There is no attention or positive response from work life now, friends are moving on with their lives. financial stress and not being able to move forward. It is a pity dd won't get help. I wonder if there is a way to get her involved in DBT, particularly as she does seem high functioning and could benefit from this.

I hope you find a way to help dd move to therapy and that you are able to stay in the relatively okay space you are in at the moment. Glad you are here!

[SendingKindness]

Thanks so much for your response, Sancho. Yes, she is definitely high functioning. I was reading Stop Walking on Eggshells (3rd edition) recently and the description of an 'unconventional' BPD seemed like a good fit for my daughter: - believes they have no problems, have an aggressive opposition to receiving therapy, projects pain onto others, accepts no responsibility for actions, insist the problem lies with everyone else's insensitivity or fragility, functions at a high level, projecting onto close love ones, makes loved ones into targets of blame, not suicidal or self harming, rarely formally diagnosed - she pretty well ticks all these boxes!

Thanks also for the reminder about JADE. I have come across it, but then forget it when I need it most! There seem to be other similar acronyms - I think I need to make myself a cheat sheet of these up so they are there in front of me when I need them! My daughter lives on the other side the country to me (we are in Canada) and so usually connects with me by text, although has also been phoning me a bit more recently. I am really having to train myself not to react defensively to all the accusations and try to use empathy and validation of her emotions. Still learning how to do this, but I feel it works - at least in terms of her continuing to talk calmly. I feel like despite all the difficulties, she is trying so hard to make things work, and is somewhat self aware - she told me recently she was trying some things to manage her anger, for example.

One of the things I find too - as her mother, I am trying to treat her with compassion, love and hope, despite the awful treatment and behaviour I receive. However, of her close family, I feel like I am almost only the one left with this approach. She has so alienated other family members (anger, insults, abusive behaviour) and they are just done with her. They don't really understand my approach and think I should just cut her off. I feel alone in trying to help and see the best in her. It is good to find this group, as I feel there are others here who understand this.

Thank you again for replying to my post - I really appreciate it!

[BPDstinks]

Hi!  I am so sorry to hear of your circumstance...my 24 y/o BPD has cut off ties with me & our family; so...I know, firsthand, it is such a sad & lonely road.  Ironically, at my BPD suggestion, I read "Stop Walking On Eggshells" and "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me; I hope you see some positive results!  I just wait, "impatiently" for my BPD to reach out!