she doesn't know if I have feeling for her

[Depression = 72% of members]

continuing from this thread;

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=357854.0

after I tried to meet up and she said said we shouldn't I asked what I did wrong, and she said she doesn't' know if I have feelings for her.


given ALL my actions, I know this to not be true, but what is going on?

[MichiganMate]

continuing from this thread;

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=357854.0

after I tried to meet up and she said said we shouldn't I asked what I did wrong, and she said she doesn't' know if I have feelings for her.


given ALL my actions, I know this to not be true, but what is going on?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Pook075]

continuing from this thread;

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=357854.0

after I tried to meet up and she said said we shouldn't I asked what I did wrong, and she said she doesn't' know if I have feelings for her.


given ALL my actions, I know this to not be true, but what is going on?

Hey Michigan.

BPD is a serious mental illness where a person has low self esteem/self-worth and a big fear of abandonment.

If you want to be in a relationship with this young lady, then you have to accept that she needs to feel supported and loved.  Can you see how your approach here and in the other thread might not show her what she's looking for?

In other words, you're focusing on yourself...and she's focusing on her.  If you want to win her back, then you need to focus on her emotional needs and actually reaffirm that you do have feelings for her, you do care, you will listen and support her, etc. 

Every time you make a statement like she's the one who doesn't get it, she's receiving it as you don't care about her.

This thread from our tools section on not invalidating may help- https://www.bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating

This thread on listening with empathy could also help- https://bpdfamily.com/content/listen-with-empathy

[MichiganMate]

Hey Michigan.

BPD is a serious mental illness where a person has low self esteem/self-worth and a big fear of abandonment.

If you want to be in a relationship with this young lady, then you have to accept that she needs to feel supported and loved.  Can you see how your approach here and in the other thread might not show her what she's looking for?

In other words, you're focusing on yourself...and she's focusing on her.  If you want to win her back, then you need to focus on her emotional needs and actually reaffirm that you do have feelings for her, you do care, you will listen and support her, etc. 

Every time you make a statement like she's the one who doesn't get it, she's receiving it as you don't care about her.

This thread from our tools section on not invalidating may help- https://www.bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating

This thread on listening with empathy could also help- https://bpdfamily.com/content/listen-with-empathy

I've been very supportive of her. You're saying I can never criticize or call her out?

I get I need to validate her opinion always, but other than that she knows she has been unreasonable.

I love her, so I will read other articles. But we both need to work on it, not just me.

[Pook075]

I get I need to validate her opinion always, but other than that she knows she has been unreasonable.

There's a decent chance that she doesn't see herself as being unreasonable at all.  Remember, we're talking about a mental illness here where her thoughts are based on her emotions in the moment.  That's the disconnect between the two of you.

[once removed]

Pook is talking about realistic expectations when it comes to loving someone with BPD. All relationships have unique challenges, and BPD presents its own set of them. It takes a great deal of tact and strength to love someone who can be "difficult to love".

I get I need to validate her opinion always

I'm not sure that this is what the article is saying. It is suggesting to learn to be less invalidating, and more validating, at the same time. A skill that will take you far in any relationship, but one that can require a lot of delicacy, especially in a relationship with someone that both needs an extra dose of validation, and may be confusing, hurtful, or destructive, in how they go about getting it. You don't want to "validate her opinion always" (you don't want to validate the "invalid") - you want to lead the effort to build an environment that is more validating and less invalidating.

Sound confusing? It's hard at first. These are skills you can practice (to get natural at) with anyone.

But we both need to work on it, not just me.

This is true. You can't force someone into being reasonable, or seeing things as you do. The more we try, the more they push back, the messier things get. It is important to consider whether this relationship does, or can, meet your expectations.

[MichiganMate]

what am I supposed to do? I told her I care about her on a voicemail and text. She has not responded. Why would she say I don't care when I showed her I cared?

[MichiganMate]

Pook is talking about realistic expectations when it comes to loving someone with BPD. All relationships have unique challenges, and BPD presents its own set of them. It takes a great deal of tact and strength to love someone who can be "difficult to love".

I'm not sure that this is what the article is saying. It is suggesting to learn to be less invalidating, and more validating, at the same time. A skill that will take you far in any relationship, but one that can require a lot of delicacy, especially in a relationship with someone that both needs an extra dose of validation, and may be confusing, hurtful, or destructive, in how they go about getting it. You don't want to "validate her opinion always" (you don't want to validate the "invalid") - you want to lead the effort to build an environment that is more validating and less invalidating.

Sound confusing? It's hard at first. These are skills you can practice (to get natural at) with anyone.

This is true. You can't force someone into being reasonable, or seeing things as you do. The more we try, the more they push back, the messier things get. It is important to consider whether this relationship does, or can, meet your expectations.

can you give an example or two of how to build a more validating environment on text?

[Pook075]

can you give an example or two of how to build a more validating environment on text?

Not really- texting is largely emotionless by nature.  That's why the world invented emojis.

Caring is not saying, "I care," it's showing that you care through actions.  For people with BPD (and women in general), words are often not enough to convey those emotions.  You have to be open, vulnerable, and have genuine action behind those words.

Right now, your options are limited because she didn't reply.  I get that.  But if you're going to do this through text, you have to say more than just "I care about you."  Why do you care about her?  What do you like about her?  What makes her special?  That's the sort of stuff she would need to hear and see.

If you want, feel free to write a practice text or email and we can help you refine it.

[MichiganMate]

Not really- texting is largely emotionless by nature.  That's why the world invented emojis.

Caring is not saying, "I care," it's showing that you care through actions.  For people with BPD (and women in general), words are often not enough to convey those emotions.  You have to be open, vulnerable, and have genuine action behind those words.

Right now, your options are limited because she didn't reply.  I get that.  But if you're going to do this through text, you have to say more than just "I care about you."  Why do you care about her?  What do you like about her?  What makes her special?  That's the sort of stuff she would need to hear and see.

If you want, feel free to write a practice text or email and we can help you refine it.

It's frustrating because I wrote her a long text a month ago or so saying all the things I liked about her, and at time she liked it and said how nice it was.. but at same time she still did not meet up with me (I fear it might have pushed her away more) and is now saying I might not have feelings for her.

How do my actions not communicate that when I have continued to text her, check in, and have tried meeting up with her?

I am beginning to wonder if she is just leading me on or this is BPD.

[kells76]

Hey MichiganMate,

What was the frequency of your attempts to meet up, texts, and checking in? For example: Monday text at 2 and 6, Tuesday call at 4 and text at 11, Wednesday invitation to hang out, Thursday text at 1... Or, "texted her 2-3 times a day, 5-6 days a week". Just trying to get a more specific picture.

And was there an "ask" in most of those communications? I.e., was there an expectation of response (even if tacit/unsaid!)?

I'm married and neither my H nor I have BPD. We were going thru a rough couple of years and for me, it was waaayyyy too much to have big "relationship talks" or to experience him pressuring me (even if he didn't intend to pressure me!) for answers/interaction before I was ready. When he stepped back from his neediness is when there was room for me to step forward into the relationship more.

It actually meant a lot to me during that time that he would just send me low key/funny GIFs -- it was a light touch, I knew he was thinking of me, and there was no tacit "ask" that I "do something in response".

She may be feeling overwhelmed by "too much" and may feel more relaxed with lower intensity, lower key, "no ask" interactions. And that's whether BPD is involved or not.

Anyway -- just offering a perspective about how a female in a F/M relationship may experience things. Occasionally "less is more".

[MichiganMate]

Hey MichiganMate,

What was the frequency of your attempts to meet up, texts, and checking in? For example: Monday text at 2 and 6, Tuesday call at 4 and text at 11, Wednesday invitation to hang out, Thursday text at 1... Or, "texted her 2-3 times a day, 5-6 days a week". Just trying to get a more specific picture.

And was there an "ask" in most of those communications? I.e., was there an expectation of response (even if tacit/unsaid!)?

I'm married and neither my H nor I have BPD. We were going thru a rough couple of years and for me, it was waaayyyy too much to have big "relationship talks" or to experience him pressuring me (even if he didn't intend to pressure me!) for answers/interaction before I was ready. When he stepped back from his neediness is when there was room for me to step forward into the relationship more.

It actually meant a lot to me during that time that he would just send me low key/funny GIFs -- it was a light touch, I knew he was thinking of me, and there was no tacit "ask" that I "do something in response".

She may be feeling overwhelmed by "too much" and may feel more relaxed with lower intensity, lower key, "no ask" interactions. And that's whether BPD is involved or not.

Anyway -- just offering a perspective about how a female in a F/M relationship may experience things. Occasionally "less is more".

thank you! she actually got back to me today and we had a good talk.

she said she wants us to still see each other and had ideas for things for us to do, BUT wanted us to just be friends and no kissing etc. I think she just wants to take things slower, but I don't know. It was good to hear from her and she said she just needed some space for a bit.

[MichiganMate]

she told me something she wanted us to do and we are planning to do it this weekend, and we talked on phone for a long time. she thought I didn't really truly "have feelings for her" but I told. her I did and she said we could talk about it more when we saw each other.


although she said she wanted us to just start as friends I will just go slower and more thoughtful with her next time I see her. It's confusing but at least talking to her and voicing my concerns and feelings helped .