She's getting her own place so we can take a "break"

[PBman]

Married for almost 15 years. 2 kids (14/15). She's always bullied me and I've always backed down because there's no threshold to her escalation and I wanted to protect the kids. Mostly I'm the target of her rage, sometimes the kids are. I try to de-escalate or intervene when its directed at the kids. This enrages her more. She tells me I don't "have her back", it makes it worse, and then everyone suffers.

She's consistently threatened divorce over the years. I always begged her not to. I'm an idealist and I want to keep the family together for the sake of stability for the kids. She's come very close to getting her own apartment a few times and I've talked her out of it in the past. Now she says she needs to do it just to see what will happen, that she needs space to "grow" and that I do too. She got a 2 bedroom apt whereas she could have gotten something bigger, so I'm not sure how far ahead she's thinking with the kids... Honestly, I know at times she gets overwhelmed and the idea of her having an "escape pad" is probably not the worst thing and it may even be required for our long term stability. Her mother left her family when she was young and she suffered a tremendous amount of abuse from her, I suspect her mom has BPD or NPD based on all the stories. My wife can barely speak to her now without getting triggered within 2 minutes.

In the process of applying for her apartment I provided my wife with some financial documents to help her get approved. In that process she discovered that a great deal of our wealth, which came from the sale of a business which I started prior to meeting her, was in an account in my name only. We had a prenup (which may not be valid since she only signed it a few days prior to the wedding and didnt have a lawyer), and I was advised to do it that way. Now she's livid. She thinks I've been lying/hiding things, and is demanding that everything be put in both our names. She never wanted to be involved in anything financial, "budget" to her is a 4 letter word, she's always overspent, hasnt want to be held accountable and Iv'e always had to be the bad guy there...

She doesnt acknowledge the fact that I only put that money in my name because when the business sold she had already threatened to divorce me 10+ times at least. I told her but I dont think she heard it. This is just another excuse to rage at me.

We agreed to speak to a mediator to write up some sort of postnup now, so that if things go sour and we split for good we would know where we stand and how things will be split. In a way, that may diffuse the situation and provide space for us to each grow. However, that's assuming we can agree, and I think she's going to fight for 50/50 of everything, which I dont agree with. I'm not saying it has to be one sided to me, but there should be some sort of happy medium (She also credits herself with the success of my business...)

Honestly, every other time she was going to leave I was so scared like my life was over. This time I'm apathetic, numb, and sometimes a little excited. I've completely lost my identity allowing her to break through all my boundaries. I believed all of her verbal abuse towards me. I've tried to change in different ways to make her happy and nothing ever worked. I am looking forward to some alone time so I can find myself again, find my voice, and set boundaries with her. I did it yesterday for the first time, I stood up to her with something financial and I felt so empowered after. I think it will be easier to stand up to her and set boundaries when we're not under the same roof.

Ultimately, she says she wants to reconcile and that this is only a potential "break" right now. I ask myself if I would even want to go back to how it was, or if i want more. I feel so sad for my kids though.

I wasnt aware she had BPD until our couples therapist told me a few days ago. Since then I've been reading stories from others with BPD spouses and it reads like my life. I feel so vindicated, its like a light bulb has gone off. Part of me feels I can have more compassion for her now, I wonder if I can find a way to make it work now? Or if I should give up.

The financial discussion has the potential to ruin us. She's already said a few times that if I want to stay with her and love her I would give her what she wants... but now I see how silly that sounds.

I've gotten so used to making decisions based on what I think she would want me to do, or what would not upset her that I have lost my own identity. I am excited to find it again and I'm confused if I should even try to make it work.

 

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[Gemsforeyes]

Hi PBMan-
Welcome to the forum.  I’m sorry for what you and your kids are going through, but glad you’ve come to the site.

You’ve admitted to yourself that you’ve twisted yourself pretty much inside out to bend to your W’s will throughout the duration of your marriage.  You understand that your identity has kind of been lost because you’ve knelt to her demands.  For reasons I *finally* understand, I did the same during my 19-year marriage to my disordered exH and then did it again in a 6.5-year subsequent relationship with my exBF (also BPD/NPD).  I truly understand unconsciously allowing every true emotional need I had to be crushed to keep the peace and relationship(s) “stable” and together.  And yea, I was even described as the “perfect” wife.

So… in light of your wife’s renewed interest in reconciliation upon seeing that financial document, this may seem like a rather cold suggestion, but that’s not at all my intention.  Please get yourself a lawyer and have a very private consultation.  Very private.  Your business prior to marriage was and IS your business.  Find out now if your pre-nup holds water.

I am a woman.  And I lost Huge in my divorce because I was way more invested both financially and emotionally in the marriage than my exH.  I did not protect myself at all.

I’m not saying to stay or go, or whether to encourage her to take the apartment or not.  If you’re looking for a more in-depth and helpful discussion regarding those elements, and basically *all* of your confusion, perhaps consider posting on the Conflicted Board here.

In the meantime, please try to engage in things/activities to truly care for your wellbeing; and that of your children.  You deserve to feel good about who you are.  Everyday.  Your wife will find ways to coddle herself.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Gemsforeyes]

Sorry for the double post :

In my opinion, I’d see an attorney before a mediator.

Sorry,
Gems