given me 3 different reasons for why we don't see each other

[MichiganMate]

met this girl and saw her 6 times or so then this started happening. 3 times she has agreed to meet up and excited and 3 times she has ended up cancelling

excuse #1: things were moving too fast and she felt uncomfortable

I then told her I understood, I slowed things down and she was happy and agreed to another date.

excuse #2: she didn't know if I had feelings for her.

I told her (truthfully) I very much had feelings for her, then left a voicemail saying as such, then we talked on the phone and she felt happy and agreed on a different date.

excuse #3: she said im too boring

two nights before we were going to meet up she said how boring I was texting her and  and she didn't think we were compatible. I said that was fine if she felt that way but wanted to talk on phone so I could understand how things changed (again) so quickly and how I could learn from it. She got mad I called her too late when we both texting each other back and forth and then said we could talk next week.

I told her on text she had already cancelled on me many times, and if we didn't see each other this week Id have to move on.

I just want to understand if this is "normal"behavior for someone with BPD? For going from saying she felt uncomfortable moving things too fast... to now saying I am boring? And in between saying she didn't know if I even liked her? What is this?

I feel like I have exhausted all other options which is why I gave the ultimatum. At this point given this experience if we don't meet up, if I meet someone with says they have BPD I do not see myself dating or wanting to date them in any way. Th

This has felt to me like a very selfish and inconsiderate way of interacting given how many times I have shown her to be understanding and wanting to make things feel nice for her. BPD or not this has not how she has acted when we were seeing each other more often and feels very immature and bratty.

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[ZenZen]

One can not tell if this is BPD related and one should be careful about trying to diagnose people with mental illness in any sort in order to get answers. And actually for me it would be rather irrelevant, she treated you poorly without any reason and i am sorry for you. There are a lot of immature people out there who never discover their true self or act in a unpolite way because they can not make their feelings clear in a normal way, even if they have a healthy mental state.

What i learned in the past years from like 20 to 27 is, that you should not overshare your feelings to your dating partner as a man. That sounds very old-fashioned, patriarchal or just plain stupid, you don't have to agree on this. The number one thing i changed after i turned 28 was to just have fun with dates and never push them in liking you. They have to decide on their own if you are worthy, you can not help them making this decision for them being in their face or talk „things“ out. Just trust the process and ride the wave. If things are positive then there is no need to rush anything.

The reasons you summed up here for me sounds that she is simply not interested, if so, just acknowledge that and keep on with your live, without even make any tries to explain yourself. Don’t give them an ultimatum or anything like that, that’s counterproductive and probably sounds more like blackmail to some people. If a person cancels on me at short notice, i explain to them that something like that shouldn’t happen again in a polite fashion, if they can’t make it, they should tell me some days before, even one day would be okay for me. One takes the time and blocks out everything else, that should be given credit and should be respected. If it happens a second time, i’ll just reduce my effort and focus on the people who value my time and like having me around, whether i’m boring or not. That should be the absolut Number 1 rule for yourself. Of course there are exceptions, not everything always works as expected, everyone should decide for themselves.

I’m not sure if i helped you with this or not. But remember, you are worth more than that without having to explain yourself. Even if you have to reject people, you still can do it in a gentle manner respecting their feelings, obviously the girl has no clue how to handle that.

Summary :

excuse #1: things moving to fast and she felt uncomfortable
- don’t over pursue, keep it light and positiv at the beginning, trust the process and have fun.

excuse #2: she didn’t know if i had feelings for her.
- don’t fall for this, don’t make any concessions, maybe try using a bit humor expressing yourself, or try to turn things around, it’s on you to decide

excuse #3: she said im too boring
- that’s on her to judge, maybe she has high expectations, maybe try to be a bit more flirty or boldly in your actions, if you feel comfortable with your self don’t break character


Sometimes it’s hard and i guess a lot of us went through such things X.x
But keep it up mate, don’t let people like that discourage you, you are worth more than that!
Greetings,

ZenZen

[MichiganMate]

she told me she was BPD so I assume it has some factor in it.

Yeah I overshared my feelings early on but then she would still agree to Hang out. Part of me wonders if she even would have hung out at all anyway

The lessons for me from this is to just run away from anyone who even mentions BPD. Such a PLEASE READing waste of time and honestly even with the great replies I've gotten in pat here, a lot of it doesn't seem worth it or someone able to be helped.

One can not tell if this is BPD related and one should be careful about trying to diagnose people with mental illness in any sort in order to get answers. And actually for me it would be rather irrelevant, she treated you poorly without any reason and i am sorry for you. There are a lot of immature people out there who never discover their true self or act in a unpolite way because they can not make their feelings clear in a normal way, even if they have a healthy mental state.

What i learned in the past years from like 20 to 27 is, that you should not overshare your feelings to your dating partner as a man. That sounds very old-fashioned, patriarchal or just plain stupid, you don't have to agree on this. The number one thing i changed after i turned 28 was to just have fun with dates and never push them in liking you. They have to decide on their own if you are worthy, you can not help them making this decision for them being in their face or talk „things“ out. Just trust the process and ride the wave. If things are positive then there is no need to rush anything.

The reasons you summed up here for me sounds that she is simply not interested, if so, just acknowledge that and keep on with your live, without even make any tries to explain yourself. Don’t give them an ultimatum or anything like that, that’s counterproductive and probably sounds more like blackmail to some people. If a person cancels on me at short notice, i explain to them that something like that shouldn’t happen again in a polite fashion, if they can’t make it, they should tell me some days before, even one day would be okay for me. One takes the time and blocks out everything else, that should be given credit and should be respected. If it happens a second time, i’ll just reduce my effort and focus on the people who value my time and like having me around, whether i’m boring or not. That should be the absolut Number 1 rule for yourself. Of course there are exceptions, not everything always works as expected, everyone should decide for themselves.

I’m not sure if i helped you with this or not. But remember, you are worth more than that without having to explain yourself. Even if you have to reject people, you still can do it in a gentle manner respecting their feelings, obviously the girl has no clue how to handle that.

Summary :

excuse #1: things moving to fast and she felt uncomfortable
- don’t over pursue, keep it light and positiv at the beginning, trust the process and have fun.

excuse #2: she didn’t know if i had feelings for her.
- don’t fall for this, don’t make any concessions, maybe try using a bit humor expressing yourself, or try to turn things around, it’s on you to decide

excuse #3: she said im too boring
- that’s on her to judge, maybe she has high expectations, maybe try to be a bit more flirty or boldly in your actions, if you feel comfortable with your self don’t break character


Sometimes it’s hard and i guess a lot of us went through such things X.x
But keep it up mate, don’t let people like that discourage you, you are worth more than that!
Greetings,

ZenZen

[ZenZen]

I guess it is impossible here to give a very detailed advice, an action plan or logic answers, even though i also search for similar things. You can have an experience like yours with any other „non“ person.
Judging something by just getting a short glimpse of the whole is hard, i just wrote what i thought. If you want clear answers, you’ll probably ask an expert for advice and explain your story in all the details. But maybe there will be someone sharing the same experience and just not answered yet.

From all i read on this Forum and other articles, therapy and/or medication is key and a lot of pwBPD can have a real good and stable relationship, so don’t put into that stigma too much. Aside from their illness, there is still a true personality that might make it worth.

If you generally don’t want to date someone with BPD, then it might be worth it for you being able to recognize the early warning signs, this could avoid unnecessary pain or wasted time. I also learned that certain people tend to often end up dating or attracting people who have BPD or similar mental problems over again, maybe including me.
Don't be to upset with your experience or angry on pwBPD.
I wish you luck,

ZenZen

[MichiganMate]

yeah not much advice. I gave the ultimatum and she never responded so I'll just delete her from my life. she wanted to "talk next week" after canceling on my yet again, but at this point it's been 2 months and she's been totally disrespectful so I'll probably just move on. or if I feel like it text her next week acting as if nothings wrong. Idk feels like the dating chance is dead anyway.

she told me early on she had BPD but things were so amazing I didn't care. But then she totally withdrew her attention from me and it's been a chore even getting her on the phone. Just spent 2 months pining after her, not worth it anymore. She's given people with BPD a horrible name imo, just tell me the truth rather than leading me on for 2 months

I guess it is impossible here to give a very detailed advice, an action plan or logic answers, even though i also search for similar things. You can have an experience like yours with any other „non“ person.
Judging something by just getting a short glimpse of the whole is hard, i just wrote what i thought. If you want clear answers, you’ll probably ask an expert for advice and explain your story in all the details. But maybe there will be someone sharing the same experience and just not answered yet.

From all i read on this Forum and other articles, therapy and/or medication is key and a lot of pwBPD can have a real good and stable relationship, so don’t put into that stigma too much. Aside from their illness, there is still a true personality that might make it worth.

If you generally don’t want to date someone with BPD, then it might be worth it for you being able to recognize the early warning signs, this could avoid unnecessary pain or wasted time. I also learned that certain people tend to often end up dating or attracting people who have BPD or similar mental problems over again, maybe including me.
Don't be to upset with your experience or angry on pwBPD.
I wish you luck,

ZenZen

[ZenZen]

That seems actually more relatable.
A partner or dating partner has to understand that a romantic relationship with a pwBPD is in constant flux. It is often referred to „The relationship cycle“ with a push-pull pattern.
At the first stage, called the idealization stage it’s pretty wonderful and loving, you can not make anything wrong. But as subtle mistakes increase or you do something wrong unintentionally, their view on you gets foggy and they suddenly see you as a bad person overall. (Splitting)
Read on this on the Web, you find dozens of articles about this cycle. It is also about engulfment- or abandonment-fear, feeling emotionally empty, depression, projection of feelings onto you, low self-esteem, a self-fulling-prophecy and so on and so on. It’s very complex from my point of view.
Read articles and do some research.
But now for the answer.

I would probably deduce two things from your descriptions :

1. It could be that you are in the devaluation phase, during which there are often confrontations, accusations or insults. All of which have something to do with their own thoughts they build up in their broken mind and should under no circumstances be taken personally.
2. It could also be a test of trying to push your limits/ boundaries or convincing you that you should invest more in the person and fight for them. PwBPD tend to need a lot of reassurance.

However, it looks like you are currently in the push-phase, which can start pretty early in the relationship, as it gets more serious for example. The person you met is now most likely gone and may never come back. If you rock things right, the cycle gets a restart, but as many here report, the spiral then progresses faster after each restart. So you’ll most likely end up back in the same place as you are now pretty quickly, if you don't invest heavily in researching things and learning about BPD.

Compassion and open communication is highly recommended, for the relationship not getting toxic. You already seem pretty angry and maybe you feel held hostage or stashed. You should create space to protect yourself and maintain your boundaries. If you can no longer maintain the whole structure after 2 months, then decide in your favour, otherwise it may burn you out.

Remember, the whole thing is a lot more complicated than what i’m writing here. BPD seems to have a wide range of manifestations as i learned, but these are very roughly my thoughts on it. Maybe this answer will help you.

ZenZen

[MichiganMate]

Yes it does feel in constant flux.. but only as of now on the pull side. she does not seem interested anymore .

Yes was totally "idealization" stage where she said how perfect I am and was constantly complimenting me and crying over me (in good ways).

1. yes I feel devalued. She agreed to meet up and hearted it and said it was our time, then because apparently I didn't get one of her sexual jokes she made, she texted me at midnight saying how boring I was and we weren't a good fit together. WTF? How would you know based on just text?

2. I have already left voice mail, then talked to her, and said I had feelings for her (when she said I didn't) .. understandably I got mad when she said I was boring and she got mad that I tried calling her at night saying I was disrespectful.. I apologized and she said we'd talk next week but I got upset and wanted to talk now. I gave her ultimatum which she didn't respond to and now I feel bad.

3. Yes she seems gone. What happened to her? The cycle starts again? Interesting.

thank you . I just want to see her again and she is being unbelievably frustrating saying YES and then deciding last minute not to.

at this point might just text her without any expectations.. especially since I last said that would be last time I talk to her if she didn't meet up

That seems actually more relatable.
A partner or dating partner has to understand that a romantic relationship with a pwBPD is in constant flux. It is often referred to „The relationship cycle“ with a push-pull pattern.
At the first stage, called the idealization stage it’s pretty wonderful and loving, you can not make anything wrong. But as subtle mistakes increase or you do something wrong unintentionally, their view on you gets foggy and they suddenly see you as a bad person overall. (Splitting)
Read on this on the Web, you find dozens of articles about this cycle. It is also about engulfment- or abandonment-fear, feeling emotionally empty, depression, projection of feelings onto you, low self-esteem, a self-fulling-prophecy and so on and so on. It’s very complex from my point of view.
Read articles and do some research.
But now for the answer.

I would probably deduce two things from your descriptions :

1. It could be that you are in the devaluation phase, during which there are often confrontations, accusations or insults. All of which have something to do with their own thoughts they build up in their broken mind and should under no circumstances be taken personally.
2. It could also be a test of trying to push your limits/ boundaries or convincing you that you should invest more in the person and fight for them. PwBPD tend to need a lot of reassurance.

However, it looks like you are currently in the push-phase, which can start pretty early in the relationship, as it gets more serious for example. The person you met is now most likely gone and may never come back. If you rock things right, the cycle gets a restart, but as many here report, the spiral then progresses faster after each restart. So you’ll most likely end up back in the same place as you are now pretty quickly, if you don't invest heavily in researching things and learning about BPD.

Compassion and open communication is highly recommended, for the relationship not getting toxic. You already seem pretty angry and maybe you feel held hostage or stashed. You should create space to protect yourself and maintain your boundaries. If you can no longer maintain the whole structure after 2 months, then decide in your favour, otherwise it may burn you out.

Remember, the whole thing is a lot more complicated than what i’m writing here. BPD seems to have a wide range of manifestations as i learned, but these are very roughly my thoughts on it. Maybe this answer will help you.

ZenZen