In Limbo

[Fairlight]

A bit of background.  My husband and I are older.  We met and married later in life.  He quit drinking a few years ago.  He did not go to AA.  He was a highly functional alcoholic and I didn't even realize how much he had been drinking except that he would be a completely unreasonable asshole and we would fight about things that I couldn't even quit nail down. He is also a control freak but I thought that was due to his past career.  He is now retired.  I finally stepped back and told him that if he would not go to AA to deal with whatever issues were causing him to drink, I wanted him to go to counseling.  I have started going on my own.  Realized how co-dependent I have/had become.    His daughter has BPD (diagnosed).  He thinks he has it as well.   After reading "Stop Walking on Eggshells", I'm not sure if he is: Alcoholic, ADHD, BPD, or a Covert Narcissist. Overall he is a pretty decent guy, but he is lacking the ability to show me any real empathy or to really connect with me on an deeper emotional level.  He avoids any conflict and my needs are not being met.  I have been waiting for 7 years for it to be "my turn".  I am also kind of last in line in his life.......    I kind of feel like it is not bad enough to leave.... but yet, it feels very empty.  Everything thinks he is such a great guy.  And I would feel awful hurting him.  He is going through a lot with his parent's health and he is always helping his daughters (they are in their late 30s).    I almost wish he would start drinking so I had a reason to leave.  So... I guess I am here because I don't think others would really understand.    That is my story... thanks for listening. 
Fairlight.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

there arent a lot of reasons i can think of that are an invalid reason to leave a relationship (though there are plenty of unreasonable ones). the reasons you give are certainly valid ones.

of course, youre posting on the Bettering board, and on this board, we are here to help you actively 'better' your relationship, as long as youre committed to it.

but the reason that i made the first point, is that when you love someone with bpd traits, it is important to do so with realistic expectations of what the relationship can and cannot be; what is likely to improve, what might hopefully improve, and what is less likely to improve. https://bpdfamily.com/content/what-does-it-take-be-relationship

when you understand that, change is possible, whatever that change may look like. a great deal of it depends on the person you love, and the context of your own, unique relationship.

for example, it was a good move to seek counseling (and support here) on your own. we cant, by and large, change another person. sometimes, we can motivate them; they may follow our lead. but regardless, having a strong support system is strongly recommended by experts in the field. to some extent, that involves getting our needs met in ways that our particular loved one may not be well equipped for. these things are true in any relationship, really; if you liked to laugh, but your partner wasnt funny, well...

how have things been since he retired? thats a big change for everyone, in and of itself.