Parent of bpd daughter

[Brokenmom101]

How do you handle hearing your child say how much they hate you?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[PearlsBefore]

When a relative with BPD says something like this about you, it's important to ask yourself if you'd take stock market advice from this person, romantic relationship advice from this person, religious counselling from this person.

If the answer is "No", as it will often be, then their judgement is compromised; why worry yourself over an irrational statement not likely grounded in fact but in mental illness?

Hope this helps!

[BPDstinks]

i cry, aLOT....it has been nearly a year since i physically saw my BPD daughter & I wake up EVERY single day thinking, THIS is the day that she will reach out, than I go to bed sad, thinking i set myself up AGAIN...I am reallllly trying to wait it out (per her instruction) but, it is very hard, so....I suppose I don't know!  I DO know, as much as I miss my BPD, I do not miss her mean, nasty & hurtful comments and the sick feeling in my stomach when she WOULD call or text, so....there's that!  I also wonder, when (?) she does reach out, who might "care" anymore (other than me & her father) she cut EVERYone off (and we were ALWAYS together) for me the real question is: how does ONE go from "you're the best Mom" to "you are the reason I want to kill myself!" (I imagine YOU understand how truly awful it is to hear YOUR child say that (than I obsess over all of the events in our life...what led to THIS?) best of luck in YOUR situation, I know it (BPD!) stinks

[Ourworld]

Respond back simply with “I love you and will always be here for you”.

[Ourworld]

Dear Brokemom101,

I don’t know the age of your daughter.

But I do understand the hurt you are feeling. My daughter and I were quite close as well, she had just completed college and was working. I worked civil service and took a 3-year job in Germany and tried to stay in touch with her. But upon my return in 2013 I was totally shocked me when she told me that she no longer wanted any form of contact from me!
I did not know what to think and it was quite devastating.
I would see her on occasion at family dinners or gatherings, although she still would not talk with me. At first there were even times she would meet with me and my mom (whom she was close to) for lunches, of course she still would not talk with me.
While I was in Germany she married someone, apparently they had to marry quickly for her to be able to get FMLA from her job, so no one knew about it, not even their friends.
I have found out that her husband had severe mental problems (PTSD & undiagnosed schizophrenia) since his 20’s. Last year he had a psychotic break, and after ignoring him for a couple of years leading up to this, she left and totally blocked him after 6 months.
He got to the VA and checked himself into Psych, was diagnosed properly and now lives near the VA and is receiving thorough treatment.

It hurts to think of my baby being out there with neither my SIL or me to confide in. As we have talked my SIL was surprised to find out about all her lies of her home life, me, and even my family!

So, please believe me when I say, that she really did not mean what she said in the sense of truly hating you, but this was only said because of this thing called HPD.

The only conclusion I have come to is she has felt abandoned; first when my husband left us then died when she was 11 and when I went to work in Germany. I knew nothing about mental illness and the thought of this never occurred to me. It wasn’t until after speaking to my SIL and hearing about things she did that I began researching since she did have multiple traumas when she went away to college.

Unfortunately these problems have become quite rampant throughout the US and in our world. I am even taking a course this summer to identify and help with Trauma healing! I am doing this on my own.
I work with incarcerated teens and will be going overseas for missionary work.

I truly hope that you do ok, and can overcome the darts of her hurting words and actions towards you, just remember that these things are protective devices against her fears and are not reflective of you or your relationship. And I hope that with your understanding you prevent her from blocking. If I understood what my own daughter was going through perhaps I could have helped. Her uBPD is silent and high-functioning which only makes this harder to see, so I look at her behavior.

If you haven’t already make sure she has individual and family counseling.

Take care, I wish you the best!

[Maggie EF]

I'm in the same boat. My uBPD 16D hasn't spoken to me for 13 months and counting. She won't look at me, be in the same room, or talk to me. She won't eat anything I cook, so her Dad has learned to make about three things, and she eats them repeatedly. It hurts me every time she rejects me, but my strategy is to ignore it, be patient, pray, and invest in self-care. I spend time with my non-BPD daughter, mom, or work friends. I do all my appointments, including mammograms, dentists, optometrists, podiatrists, etc. I also have therapy one time a week with someone familiar with BPD.

[BPDstinks]

i am so sorry to hear your situation!  I, too, am going on a year with not PHYSICALLY seeing my 24 BPD daughter...she is the first thing I think of in the morning & last at night; I DO receive random texts but...i still cannot wrap my brain around it, however, like you, I went back to the gym, joined a book club & decided it is time to rejoin "life"; i wish you good luck!

[Ourworld]

Yes, the best we can do is to pray and get on with our own lives, if possible, help anyway we can, such as helping her get counseling. It is heartbreaking to see our happy and healthy children end up having such mental turmoil. It is vital that you do not blame yourself and remember that things she says and does are unfortunate attributes from the disorder.
I urge you not to give up in your prayers and realize that only He can and will take care of His children that He blessed us with as they grew up or are still growing in the case of the lady with the 16 yo.
But to the mother of the 16yo, I can relate because that was about the time my own daughter started showing signs, but unlike you, I missed it! By this time, my husband had been gone for 5 years, I was still quite devastated by losing him, and had no one to bounce ideas off of. You’re in a good position and thankfully can get her help, plus you have your husband to help!

I truly wish you all the best!

[Ourworld]

Dear Brokenmom,
I hope our conversation helps you somewhat, you are not really hated, but I know it still hurts.
Be strong, get help if you need it, and make the most of your own life.