I’m trying to leave permanently but I’m having troubles letting go.

[Sakura08]

I am currently separated from my husband. And I have been trying to start the process of moving on and healing. He often tries to contact me about how it’s still only my fault and that I never loved him or cared. He is in a relationship with someone else and is going to have a child with them. I am so hurt and confused because he tells me he doesn’t want to be with her and that he’s in a situation that he can’t get out of. That it’s me he wants to be with and he can’t do anything, but if I didn’t leave then it wouldn’t be this way. I don’t understand how he can actively contact me and still love me. Then tell me it’s my fault.
I still have feelings for him but I don’t understand how it can be this way. We didn’t want to get divorced but I don’t understand how he can do something very different.
I do feel like it’s all my fault a lot of times. That I shouldn’t have left and that I should have tried harder. I am having trouble letting go.
What is the healthy way to let go when the situation is like this?

[Sakura08]

I have been going to counseling since we have been separated. He told me I was the only one doing the wrong things that I’m the one that was thinking wrong and had the wrong priorities. One day I would be the center of his world on a pedestal, then the next I would be knocked off the pedestal because I wasn’t the person he knows. Always exhausted trying to fill the dark void in him with my love. When I would need some alone time he would be asking me when I was done needing my alone time. Telling me that I am his best friend and no one else. That I didn’t give him enough love and attention. He started to accuse me of not wanting to commit to him the way he was with me. That I chose my job and life over him. He would tell me I wasn’t faithful. Questioning everything about me. So one day I snapped and I actively had an affair which I hated doing because I felt torn up inside. When he found out he say he “knew it” and that I didn’t love him. After we tried to reconcile, but he kept rubbing what I did in my face. I kept trying to explain but he continuously called me a cheater.
Afterwards we were trying to pick up the pieces, but he had a mental breakdown and tried to commit suicide. I called the authorities and he was sent to the hospital. When he got out he attacked me for it and said I planned it. That this is what his ex wife had done to him. So I left, that was the last straw for me.
And after describing the situation and the way he treated me, she suggested to look into symptoms of bpd and referred me a book. I have never felt safer and more validated since I left. But he contacts me and we go through a cycle of him being sorry and that he understands me then he doesn’t remember that and that if I didn’t leave it wouldn’t be this way and then it’s all my fault and that he can’t be with me and then I’m the one who was wrong and then back to being sorry again.

[Pook075]

I have never felt safer and more validated since I left. But he contacts me and we go through a cycle of him being sorry and that he understands me then he doesn’t remember that and that if I didn’t leave it wouldn’t be this way and then it’s all my fault and that he can’t be with me and then I’m the one who was wrong and then back to being sorry again.

Hi Sakura and welcome!  I'm very glad you've shared your story with us.

Unfortunately, BPD is a serious illness and there's aspects of that relationships that you never had any control over.  Much of what you shared resonated in my marriage as well, so I can understand your pain and frustration.  It feels so impossible.

Question though- why do you allow him to still contact you?  If you feel safe and validated, if you know that you're not returning to him, then why continue to accept his abuse?  Just block him and go no contact.  That's the healthiest path available right now, to continue focusing on yourself without his blame and anger.

[Sakura08]

That is the part I am having trouble letting go of. I can most times, but then I read something that is too insensitive to not reply and then we start another circle again. And then I’m contacted on another platform. I want to talk it out but it just can’t happen. And I struggle with my own feelings for him and knowing that he might have bpd. I just want to be able to let go finally. And I’m having a hard time doing that.

[Kashi]

That comment you made about what he said,  he is in a situation he can't get out of.

I have heard that before. 

That is what my ex said about the person they left me for. 

She said that the relationship was "empty" and I said you feel like some of time, and she said, "no not that kind of empty."

The excuse is they stay with them because they don't know how to get out of it. 

They stay until they think their needs aren't being met or they will be exposed.  Their needs can never be met and should never be attempted because they are unrealistic expectations, you will never meet.

You will never make them happy.   Their inner self is miserable.

When I saw it from a distance, I was shocked.   I had never seen that look on her face.

It was misery.

She left and went with someone else and I saw some work photos of her with the other person at events. 

I could hardly recognize her. 

Some of the photos I could see the shame on her face and other I just saw her misery.

And that is what they have to give.  Misery.

And that's all.

My advice is to step away very very gently and keep doing it and don't look back.

[Sakura08]

He tells me that it’s me that keeps doing things wrong. That I caused so much pain, I gave him nothing but bad feelings. That I keep lying and was never faithful to him. I question myself constantly because of how many times he has said these things to me. I feel so bad about myself a lot. I just want to make things right but nothing feels better from it all. And him telling me about how he doesn’t love the person he is with but is happy to be having a baby, is so confusing.
I really am trying to let go and love myself but he pulls at my feelings and I let myself get confused.
I am really trying, I don’t know how to assert my feelings because then they are turned against me and they become my fault. My boundaries are wrong because he tells me that he crosses his boundaries for me but I won’t for him. I know that’s not right, but he doesn’t understand the concept.

[yellowbutterfly]

Hi Saukra,

First, I am glad you are on this board as it helped me so much.

Second, I know it is hard to go no contact with your former partner, especially in situations like these. So much of what you wrote resonates for me to with my xH. I hear you though that you do want the NC...

I want you to understand one important thing, this person is mentally ill, nothing they say or do will be rational nor will you be able to fix them or the situation. The accusations, the lies, and the pulling on your feelings make it hard but as Pook said, no contact is the only way you can move on and heal from this.

Sending positive thoughts for you

[Sakura08]

I couldn’t understand why I was always wrong. How I “didn’t make sense” when I would share my thoughts and feelings. It made me withdraw and stop being comfortable sharing. Everyday I was always making him feel lonely because I lived so far away.
When I asked if he would consider moving to the same town that I was in, he told me no and he would never want to live in the same town. He pressured me to live in his hometown and go along with his plans.
I always thought for the longest that I was selfish for not wanting to do what he wanted. But he said that it was wrong for wanting what I wanted. He refused my help, refused my suggestions, refused to acknowledge our faults. Nothing I did was helping because he just didn’t want to let me help. I worked hard when he didn’t have a plan. He kept saying that I was thinking wrong for planning.
I don’t understand how I could be wrong all the time. This is when I truly question. Am I wrong? Is it me? How can I be the love of his life when everything I do is wrong? Am I a bad person?

[SinisterComplex]

I couldn’t understand why I was always wrong. How I “didn’t make sense” when I would share my thoughts and feelings. It made me withdraw and stop being comfortable sharing. Everyday I was always making him feel lonely because I lived so far away.
When I asked if he would consider moving to the same town that I was in, he told me no and he would never want to live in the same town. He pressured me to live in his hometown and go along with his plans.
I always thought for the longest that I was selfish for not wanting to do what he wanted. But he said that it was wrong for wanting what I wanted. He refused my help, refused my suggestions, refused to acknowledge our faults. Nothing I did was helping because he just didn’t want to let me help. I worked hard when he didn’t have a plan. He kept saying that I was thinking wrong for planning.
I don’t understand how I could be wrong all the time. This is when I truly question. Am I wrong? Is it me? How can I be the love of his life when everything I do is wrong? Am I a bad person?

So...clearly if you are asking if you are a bad person would actually answer the question that you are indeed not a bad person. Why do I say that? You demonstrate that you are conscientious and have a conscience in general. Additionally, it shows you have empathy. So when I put that out there does that sound like a bad person to you?

To answer if you are wrong...this is where your mind is getting stuck because you were being manipulated. So the most important thing for you to do is to always keep your eyes wide open, question things, use critical thinking, and most importantly...live your truth!

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

[Sakura08]

And so now it’s been quite a while since we’ve separated. I know it was the right thing to do. But he goes through these periods of insisting that it’s wrong to be separated and we love each other and that we’ll be back together eventually. After that he’ll say that he’s not going to be back with me, that I’m unstable and he can’t plan a life with someone like me. Telling me that I could have just stayed. So many statements about if I didn’t do wrong then it wouldn’t be this way.
I know I did the right thing by leaving for my safety and sanity. But the love we had was so wonderful. I get stuck. I question myself and my choices. But I do see I am better off being apart.

[EyesUp]

Hi Sakura,

I know I'm stating the obvious:  Detaching takes time.

Continuing to be in contact slows down the process.

Just in case you haven't seen this, there is section here on detaching...

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=136462.0

A cautionary tale:

I went through similar cycles with my uBPDxw over a period of a few years.  Then we broke up and remained out of touch.  I dated a wonderful woman, and I'm sure she also dated.  At the end of that year, I heard from my then-ex-girlfriend.  She missed me.  She grew a lot.  She found a new therapist and finally addressed some old disappointments.  Just wanted to see how I was doing.  A week later...  it was so good to reconnect.  Would I like to meet for a coffee?  All my alarm bells were ringing, but I said yes.  Less than a month later, she was in my bed.  A year after that we were engaged.  Some of the old routines were still there, but familiarity, even when it's...  something off, can be somehow comforting.  Fast forward, we were married for 14 years.  Had three kids.  She continued to experience bouts of depression, anxiety, rages, hypersensivity to perceived criticism, conflicts with work, her family, my family, the kids' schools...  We are now divorced.

It's a cautionary tale.
 
Part of the reason I continue to participate here is to maintain clarity and avoid allowing myself to overemphasize the positives (there were many) or lose objectivity.

It sounds like you have some objectivity about your situation, but you ruminate a bit about what you've lost.  Does that sound right?

In my case, I try to look back on the relationship in terms of what I gained:  I've had a very good life so far, even though there have been hardships and challenges.  I love my kids, and they would not be here without my ex. I've come to understand a lot more about myself and how I ended up in a codependent relationship that almost cost me friendships and family - that will never happen again. I've become stronger. I'm grateful for my "second act" and looking forward to continuing my journey...

I wish the same for you!

[Sakura08]

I look forward and I try to heal myself. I go to therapy, I talk it out and try to see what I could have done better. Admitting my mistakes, seeing how we both could have done better. I wasn’t perfect but I know I’m not the only one at fault. It hurts to have to walk away. I know I made my choices, I thought about them and weighed them out. I felt every emotion, I was pushed to my limit. I attempted suicide, I cut myself. I wanted to be alone than in his presence. I wanted therapy, but he said we could love each other and be there for each other.
He kept blaming me, blaming it all on the affair. Blaming me for leaving, blaming me for him getting with someone else and having a baby with them. All this feels so wrong and backwards.
I have been recovering from all this for a long time. And I am always scared that I am the one who is wrong like he said.
I detach but then I question myself. I am trying so hard, I get so sad and scared. So unsure of myself. I can feel it on the days when it is good and I have done so well for myself. I have come back from rock bottom. I am proud of my progress.

[tina7868]

Hey Sakura!

I look forward and I try to heal myself. I go to therapy, I talk it out and try to see what I could have done better. Admitting my mistakes, seeing how we both could have done better. I wasn’t perfect but I know I’m not the only one at fault. It hurts to have to walk away. I know I made my choices, I thought about them and weighed them out. I felt every emotion, I was pushed to my limit. I attempted suicide, I cut myself. I wanted to be alone than in his presence. I wanted therapy, but he said we could love each other and be there for each other.
He kept blaming me, blaming it all on the affair. Blaming me for leaving, blaming me for him getting with someone else and having a baby with them. All this feels so wrong and backwards.
I have been recovering from all this for a long time. And I am always scared that I am the one who is wrong like he said.
I detach but then I question myself. I am trying so hard, I get so sad and scared. So unsure of myself. I can feel it on the days when it is good and I have done so well for myself. I have come back from rock bottom. I am proud of my progress.

It`s fruitful to objectively identify our own mistakes, with the intent on improving in the future. Nobody is perfect, we are all human beings going through life for the first time. It`s okay. That being said, I think it`s also important to balance this exercise with a whole lot of self love and compassion. Even if you were wrong in some aspects, find the grace within yourself to forgive these mistakes and move forward. It`s okay to feel sad and scared. Embrace and explore these feelings with gentle curiosity. Let them be.

When you learn to love yourself and soothe your own feelings, what other people say or do will lose it`s power over you, and you`ll be able to see more clearly what you can gain from hardships. For example, you sharing your story here has inspired a lot of people going through similar situations to yours, and so you have gained the ability to relate and empathize in this regard. There is indeed a lot for you to be proud of

[EyesUp]

He kept blaming me, blaming it all on the affair. Blaming me for leaving, blaming me for him getting with someone else and having a baby with them. All this feels so wrong and backwards.


That was my experience, too.

And for a while, I listened. Was it really my fault she had an affair? Was I somehow abusive? Was I responsible for her depression or anxiety?

In the end, the truth for me was simpler than I expected: 

I was a participant in the relationship, and I contributed to the dynamic.  The problems were not 100% my fault or due to anything I did - It always takes two. Measuring who had the larger share of responsibility was a fool's errand - in a healthy relationship, you work on it together and it's probably impossible to do a measurement...

I eventually accepted my limitations, my feelings, my truth - all of it.  And that included accepting a failure that I had been trying to avoid (a divorce) - while failing to recognize another (remaining together for the wrong reasons).  You can't imagine that relief that came with that understanding.

It sounds like you've done and are doing work, and have a sense of progress - that's a big deal. 

[Pook075]

He kept blaming me...

My story was similar as well, everything was seen as my fault and my ex was so positive in her mind, there was no sense in communicating or trying to work things out.  That's projection and it's very sad, but it's a part of BPD.

As EyesUp said, we all played a part in these outcomes...whether it was intentional or unknown.  There were definitely things we could have done better, but that's true for every relationship whether mental illness is involved or not. 

For me, the key is the basis for a marriage (or a relationship), growing together, choosing love, being quick to forgive, and always seeking to understand and support one another.  If that's not there by both people involved, then the rest will eventually fail. 

And it's not a burden that just one person can carry either; it has to be both people choosing love and growth together.  That's the part that took me the longest to figure out; it really wasn't about me or what I was willing to do.  Like they say, it takes two to tango.

[Sakura08]

It was always easier to blame me rather than try to work through things and listen to each other. I never wanted to even have an affair with someone else. But everyday I was told that’s what I was doing that I doubted my reality and snapped. I knew what I was doing was wrong, I felt no pleasure from it. But I didn’t know how much more I could keep proving myself in the relationship. I knew I was handling it wrong, and when things came to a head. It put a deeper rift between us. I tried to explain, I wanted to work through it. He reframed it as me blaming him for the affair. When all I wanted to do was explain why I felt the choice to do it. And how it hurt me as well. He could never put it behind us, even to this day he hasn’t. He tells me that I never loved him the whole time. That the other person got what he never had. Even though we were married. He would blame me, say it was only my fault. There’s nothing wrong with him. Then turn around and tell me he’s sorry for how he made me feel when I betrayed him. That he’s sorry for the way he is. That he’ll never get to be with me because I never loved him.
I can’t ever get my point across. I will always have a scarlet letter on my back. He pushes me away from his heartache and then pulls me back in. Simultaneously says he’s sorry but it’s my fault. I regret ever doing it. I regret most that I didn’t leave before hand so that I wouldn’t make this mistake in the first place.
I want to let go, but I am scared that he is right and that I never loved him. I go through so much confusion. Letting go feels good and scary. I’m slowly getting the courage to do and other days I regress.
How does one do it?

[Kashi]

Try to grab the idea that they are projecting their emotions and thoughts outside of themselves.

I think it's like they have an emotion and thought, and they don't know where it "belongs."

So, the more stressed they are, the more confusion and it ends up in a tangled mess and their reality is screwed.

Basically

I have heard the same conversations from BPD people.   The EXACT same wording.

When I started to research.  As per usual I don't just research I went into it. 

I spoke to all kinds of people with BPD.   I spent months talking to them.

It's like this blueprint they have to follow.

The number of times the same words come up.

I don't know if anyone has heard them use the word "monster" ?

Which is the "abuser" 

Sometimes they believe they are the abuser, you are, or someone else is. 

I don't even think all people with BPD were abused.  I know it's hereditary. 

You are not what they accuse you of. 

We are allowed to have thoughts at different times and we don't act on every thought.

I have may have thought about leaving my partner now and again but I didn't act on it.

I got accused of it.

They do a splatter attack.   Blame you for everything and they might hit on one or two things you had a thought about.

Now you are feeling guilty.   Then they add to it and now you are feeling increasing guilty.

Then they add to it and now you are owning it as a big deal.  Trying to persuade them it's not true.

Remember that accusation could be something THEY felt or thought, and they have displaced it elsewhere.

I even think they get their emotions mixed up with people.   I suspect my ex was confusing me and the person she cheated with.   Friends were saying to me (the dirty rotten cheater) who knew my partner was with someone, looked like me.
I didn't like to admit it but she kind of did.  When my ex was coming back to me all the time, I think she was mixing up her emotions and applying them to the incorrect person. 

I seriously think that.

It's a mess in their head

You don't want to get into person with BPD head.  It's very very messy.

Try and extract yourself from their mind.   Because you are absorbed in it just like me.

Make you crazy.  Get out of his head.

They second guess themselves ALL the time now you are.

Stop it...

[tina7868]

I go through so much confusion. Letting go feels good and scary. I’m slowly getting the courage to do and other days I regress.
How does one do it?

I`m right here with you on this one.

I think part of the way one does this is acceptance. Acceptance of the confusion, of the fear, and of the fact that the healing process is not linear. As you described, some days will appear like regression, and that`s okay too. You`ve been through a difficult experience. You can show grace and patience with yourself.

Another component to letting go is challenging, in a gentle way, your own beliefs and thoughts. If he is saying something, that doesn`t make it a fact. What matters is what you believe about yourself.

[Sakura08]

And now I feel like I’m left with this feeling that it’s me that needs to fix myself. Being treated like I’m the one who has destroyed the relationship when I just wanted safety and peace. I feel like I have been discarded. I went through so much to finally accept myself and my mistakes. To feel like I’m worth safety and peace.
Everything I say, everything, is turned around on me and actually said back to me, as if I was talking into a mirror. Like it was never his fault ever.
Now I don’t know if the love is worth letting go of. I truly am on the edge and not sure how to let go. To go on and get the divorce. To detach, go to the next phase of my life.

[Kashi]

We all need to "fix" ourselves. 

That doesn't mean we need to take on what a person with a mental illness tells us we have done wrong.

It's the mental illness talking most of the time. 

Own what you did wrong and push back what you didn't.

It's ok to say, sorry I don't accept that fault or blame.

[Sakura08]

I have owned what I did wrong. And I have pushed back on what I didn’t do wrong. I know I’m not completely to blame. But it’s hard being on the other side of the finger pointing. Always being wrong, I’m tired of being the bad guy. So tired of being wrong. I feel stupid a lot. But I am starting to like myself now. I don’t even know what would happen if he did accept his part in everything. I don’t think of him as much, but there are days when he tries to contact me and love bomb me with sorrys and promises of love. Wishing he was here or I was there. Then nothing.
So tired of being the bad guy.

[Kashi]

Tell me about it.   I didn't hear anything good about me for so long from my ex.  I was starved of validation.

She tells me she is sorry, will regret what she did for the rest of her life, sorry she hurt me.  Sorry she "abandoned" me.

Loves me, always did and still does.   

But tells me there is too much hurt now.  That is about the most logical thing she has said to me. 

But the actual detail is missing in the apology. 

That is the best she can do.  I need to accept that. 

Does it help and at least I got some kind of closure unlike others?  I don't know. Maybe. 

Her love was probably the best she could do as well for many years. 

She has no clue.  They aren't able to fully comprehend relationships and love. 

They can't even manage to stick to their own values or make decisions that keep themselves safe.

It takes all her effort just to work, take care of the basics in life.  That's all there is room for. 

My emotions are a just a burden to her. 

They seem to be better at a distance.  Get up close then the expectations pull them down.

They know they aren't giving what they should give in a relationship.  They just aren't able to do it.

Then that whole unworthy mindset kicks in, they feel guilty and need relief.

They can't resolve emotions or issues with you.   Everything you say they take a criticism.

You are tired of being the bad guy and they feel like that pretty much every day. 

It's projection.   What they feel they project and depending on how you deal with it, then it will impact on you.

They don't even know what are their emotions, or someone else's. 

That is a bizarre concept.  Think about that.  Imagine not knowing. 

They mind is a complete mess and the result is that you start to think like them. 

You can change that for yourself with work.   He probably will never be able to.

I think you sound like you are at the stage of being starved of validation for the positive of who you are.

Maybe

Catch your thoughts.   If they start to be negative, tell yourself a different and more positive version.

Try and eliminate some language from your thoughts.

"if only"
"I should have" 
"I regret"

Avoid thoughts of what an utter disaster this is.   Because there is a life beyond him.  It's not a disaster.  There is a life for you.

He could probably keep this up forever if you let him.  Any time he is bored, feeling lonely, got dumped, felt rejected, felt abandoned.   Are you going to be for that?













 










 

[Sakura08]

No, I won’t be here for that. I left for my safety and sanity, I offered him to come and start over with me. Since I was pregnant when I left. He gave me every reason why he couldn’t. And then he told me that he has a girlfriend and then eventually he told me she was also pregnant and he can’t get out of it so he can never come to be with us.
Telling me such confusing things.
I’m tired of being the bad guy. And I don’t want to be here for that. It breaks my heart so much.

[Kashi]

I'm so sorry I didn't know you were pregnant.  That would be a very hard situation.

I can tell you what borderline fathers are like because my ex's father is BPD.   Not any better than they are in any relationship.  Their selfishness knows no bounds.  He won't be there for a child.  There will be no love given in any meaningful way.  Essentially you will have two children, one being a very dangerous adult. 

The words "he can’t get out of it" are familiar because that is exactly what my ex said of the new person.  Oh, hello she did dump them WHEN she realized she nearly blew her career and could be exposed by this person.   They have plans in the pipeline, but they expect to be left, or will need to leave.  Right now, the woman he is with is the best plan he has.  For now.

There is going to be two of his children in the world with no father. 

Why do you keep on saying that you are tired of being the "bad guy"? 

I don't understand.   

You know they project what they think and feel on to you.  The shame, the guilt, the hurt, and the horrible thoughts. 

You know most of what they say is an untruth?   They don't even know what the truth is most of the time.

I think you should stop punishing yourself, he did enough of that to last a lifetime.   

It's horrible.  It's heartbreaking.  It's crazy making.  It's soul destroying.

It helps if you don't contact them or allow them to contact you.   The crazy part disappears, and you start to feel somewhat normal but very hurt.   I think you know you don't want him back just like I know I don't want my ex back.  You know what they don't want to come back either.   Perhaps if they are desperate.  I think they reach out when they feel desperate just to see if you are still there and an option. 

You tried to love past a disorder.  It can't work. 

I'm really sorry you are in pain.   I don't know how many steps I am past the stage you are going through.  Probably not many.  Do not contact him.  Don't ruminate on the relationship.  Focus on the now and small steps.  You can't manufacture a future out of nowhere when you are hurt.   Start with one hour of focusing on you and not thinking of him.  Build on that.

I can't tell you how much pain I was in.   I dropped heaps of weight, couldn't sleep, work.  I was in a really bad way and couldn't tell anyone.   They don't understand.   

That gets better. 

The confusion gets better.    Periods of anger gets better.  Then the hurts fades just a bit as time goes on.

But if you let them in your life, that process will be limited and keep you in the pain. 

You had a relationship like me, it was over before it started.   We just didn't know that. 

They do love but it's not in an adult way and influenced by their disorder.  They just move on the next.  There's not much space in their mind for ex's.  They can barely look after themselves.  That takes up all their focus.

[Sakura08]

It was just exhausting always being the one who was wrong. Never loving him enough, never giving him enough attention. Him not being enough for me to be with. Over and over, thinking wrong, acting wrong, allocating my time wrong, just everything you could think of I was doing wrong. Constantly having the finger pointed at me, constantly being told I’m not as committed as he was.
Being his shrink when I couldn’t help myself. Over extending myself with my empathy. Just, mentally exhausting and I would always be the bad guy. He needed to be smothered with love even during arguments. Anything less than that wasn’t enough and therefore not committed enough.
I do take it slowly, it’s been a long time. I have lived so much more and come up from rock bottom. I have driven for hours, gone through so much in counseling. I make progress, and I don’t think of him as much, until he breaks through my no contact wall. Usually with baiting. Then it’s a predictable cycle.
This has helped me see that I’m not alone.

[Sakura08]

It brought me down so much. When at all was I loved? When was I good? How could I be good if all I did was wrong? This I also have a hard time coming back from. I accepted him inside and out, but he would tell me that I’m not the “person he knows.” Leaving me no room to grow or change. Always have to be devoted no matter what, that a normal girlfriend would take care of him, instead of me who leaves. But I know that’s unhealthy behavior. I feel good being separated, but I still have a part that’s having a tough time letting go. I don’t know what it is. What is it? And why is it still there?

[Kashi]

I guess it is different for everyone. 

I had hope.  I believed with my whole heart. 

That is hard to just close that off, well unless you are a borderline, then it seems easy. 

It's hard to work out what was actually who they are, and what wasn't. 

If they drop their mask, it isn't pretty.   I feel bad even saying that.  I wanted her to feel loved and beautiful.

But there is a part of her that is not either of those things.  I think they know that.   They cover it with a facade. 

I feel sorry for her.  But in saying that she certainly doesn't feel sorry for me and was very cruel when she left.

I think I started to feel that my love kept her afloat, my love kept her able to have a facade, and my love was the only love that existed.

So, I have my love intact.  All I need to do is feel it independently from her.  I own it. 

Reclaim your love.   Get it back.  Get back "you" 

Start feeling who you are. 

[Kashi]

I spoke to this borderline woman in a massive psychosis.  She was doing the emotional roller coaster for ages.

She gets medicated, and it stops the rollercoaster.  She feels more in control. 

This woman was super intelligent, she could write and express herself.  She had a good job and kids.

I wanted to know how it felt, and this woman had the depth to give me answers.

She was incredibly honest and raw.   We spoke in private for some months.  Then I watched her speak openly to other pwbpd.  She was callous and felt nothing for anyone.  She said she just put on her role that she needed to and none of it was her.  She said she felt she was in a play. 

We need to face the truth.   They have a serious mental illness.  A person who at times feels nothing for anyone, including her kids is a dangerous person.   They might not feel like that all the time, but they do all experience it.

Hate...and anger.

That is why you need to let go.   

[Kashi]

Come with me inside their mind, for a moment.  I don't want to go there.  But if it helps you.

Imagine.  You feel utterly worthless, unlovable and a waste of space.

That isn't hard to imagine because that is how they made you feel.   Because in their minds you made them feel that way.  You said something and they picked out all the negative words, reassembled them and put in a context you didn't intend.

You didn't hold his hand that time, you walked in front of him, you didn't say sorry in the right tone.

You didn't love him.

You said no to sex that one time.  You had a good reason. 

Rejection.

I could not even go to the bathroom to have a cra+ in peace. There she was.  I would say can I just have a moment.

Rejection.

You don't want to watch the same TV show

Rejection

You forgot a kiss.

Rejection

You said I'm sorry or I love you in the wrong tone.

Rejection

It's not perfect.   It's your fault.  They feel rejected and unlovable.

Your fault

You must be punished.  You are keeping them there and they can't be without you.

There is resentment.

After all they gave the best sex they could.   He was a good boy.  He did everything for you.

Now they are reliving the rejection of the past, as a child.  It doesn't matter if they lived trauma or not.  Their minds say they are wrong and that was told to them by their parents, their school, society.  They are wrong.

Yes, they are quite often "wrong" because parts of their brain are not developed.  Logic is missing.

They learn other ways to cope and behavior forms.  Now it's embedded.

It's ok to lie and hurt people.   People hurt them, why not. 

Sex is a tool.   

They are drowning emotionally all the time.  Holding their emotions in.  Because they know they are unacceptable.

They need to have someone to snuggle, and hold them, like a child.   They know their emotions are immature.   They know their emotions flip in an instant.  But whoever gives them that gratification at that time will get their attention.

You give them adult love.   They don't know what that is.   They don't see it.   

They don't see or care in an adult way, or give sex in an adult way, or love in an adult way. 

They want to be kept safe, like a child. 

Even children grow to take the hard knocks and see their parents as separate entities, with a name, with their own emotions, as an individual.   Children learn the world is not all great.  There is hurt.  It's not a fantasy.

They don't.   They want to be loved in that perfect state which is impossible.

You hurt them because you didn't kiss them right.

An example.  I was walking with my niece and holding her hand.  She was maybe 3.  We were walking around a lake.  I had a blanket on my shoulder.  She wanted to walk close to the lake edge.  For one second, I let go of her hand, to adjust the blanket and before I knew it, she was the in the lake, I was fast because I grabbed her before she went under.  I will never forget her little face when she looked up at me and said, "you let go of my hand".  The utter despair and hate on her face.  That I was there to protect her, and she trusted me.   I let go of her hand.  That is all that mattered. 

That is how they think, day in and day out. 

They will punish you for letting go of their hand.  So, to speak.

So, when it comes time to find someone else who will hold their hand in perfect glory.  You will be nothing, because you didn't do your "job"

Do you understand?

[BigEasyHeart]

You said something and they picked out all the negative words, reassembled them and put in a context you didn't intend.

Now they are reliving the rejection of the past, as a child. 

You give them adult love.   They don't know what that is.   They don't see it.   

I cannot say all things there fit my experience exactly but these three resonated. I found out after I was "discarded" that my ex had been filtering minute details of our relationship through traumatic events of her childhood (e.g., words or even a tone were perceived negatively and seen as similar to the childhood event). This would happen and boom, they were re-experiencing the pain they felt back then and acting out of anger towards me as the one who caused it.

I wish they had shared that this was happening with me but they did not. It might have changed a lot of things for both of us. It is massively confusing when you are on the receiving end of this kind of behavior and don't know why it is happening. It still affects me to this day. It is real trauma that gets passed down to the partner and takes time to work though.

Now my job is to work on myself so I don't pass it on to the next person and so I don't wind up in the same situation again myself.

Wishing you peace and healing.