Please help me help my husband and avoid a divorce

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi again,

Really looking for some support. I’ve just come to the realisation that my husband has a lot of bpd traits. I’m a sunny happy person - his nickname for me is Mrs Sunflower.
I’m very worried at the moment as due to illness and several stressful situations happening to him ( issues with his ex being a primary problem) his emotional regulation is exceptionally unstable. I walk on eggshells the entire time and this is affecting my mental and physical health. My 15 year old daughter is aware her step dad has ‘changed’ and whilst they were once close - we stated seeing each other when she was 11 she now avoids him. I’m sure this hurts his feelings. I find myself avoiding him too. His hypersensitivity to any perceived criticism makes even basic conversation difficult. I am loosing my sense of self when I am around him.
I know he is in pain physically which triggers him constantly. I feel lost and alone. I have many friends he had friends but his closet 2  died in 2020 & 2021 and he makes no attempt to find new ones. He calls me his best friend, but I don’t feel like this is the case. My best friend of over 40 years loves and accepts me as I am. My husband doesn’t. He finds a lot of my personality very unacceptable. He wants me to see a therapist to equip me better to deal with his mood swings. I have done this - I am due to see her again next week as I am anxious a lot of the time. Honestly it feels like I made a huge mistake marrying him. I don’t know what to do as any suggestion that there is something wrong with him makes him fly into a rage. This is very difficult and I don’t want my daughter exposed to this. I have recently had a bad virus, this laid me low for  2 weeks and I withdrew to my bed. I don’t know how much of this is me trying to avoid conflict with him and how much is genuine illness. We had to cancel a trip to Morocco to see his son who is living there for a year. I felt massive relief as every holiday we have taken together has been exhausting due to his lack of emotional reg. He swings in and out of these moods so fast, and I am left feeling emotionally bartered and misunderstood for days…he wants me to take care of him
And is happiest when I am doing this - he had an emotionally absent mother and weak father. I know a lot about his upbringing as we met when we were teenagers. We broke up when I was 23 ( I ended it ) and then rekindled things when I was 60 & he 64.
I confronted him at the time about his unresolved anger issues and he agreed to have treatment . He appeared to get better & I agreed to marry him. But due to ill health and the stress of his ex refusing to leave his property plus him retiring his anger issues are very much back. Anything can set him off. But it’s mostly me. His self esteem is terrible and I don’t feel equpped to support him. My mother married a man with  chronic serious mental health issues. The strain of living with him eventually  killed her.
My 15 year old daughter has no friends & suffers from chronic anxiety. A lot of her behaviour indicates she may be on  the autistic spectrum, She is very intelligent and high functioning. She is bullied at school. And needs my support. I’m in the middle trying to be my bright sunny happy self and support the 2 people who are most important to me. And I’m failing
. My most important job is to care for my daughter. I hoped being married would give me support. But right now it doesn’t feel like that I feel like I have 2 sick children in the house.
I have always found my husband sexually attractive, but that is going away. What can I do to restore peace and harmony. My husband points the finger at me being the problem. ( literally)
I know that I am not. I had a series of nightmares last night after my realisation of his behaviour being BPD related - his ex wrote a book about the relationship and accused him of NPD - I don’t think she was correct in this. I think BPD and autism are involved. I am on the Adhd spectrum - very high functioning & able.
Please can someone give me some guidance as to what to ask my therapist to help me with when I see her next week.
Thank you and love to all

[Lunita]

Hi again,

Really looking for some support. I’ve just come to the realisation that my husband has a lot of bpd traits. I’m a sunny happy person - his nickname for me is Mrs Sunflower.
I’m very worried at the moment as due to illness and several stressful situations happening to him ( issues with his ex being a primary problem) his emotional regulation is exceptionally unstable. I walk on eggshells the entire time and this is affecting my mental and physical health. My 15 year old daughter is aware her step dad has ‘changed’ and whilst they were once close - we stated seeing each other when she was 11 she now avoids him. I’m sure this hurts his feelings. I find myself avoiding him too. His hypersensitivity to any perceived criticism makes even basic conversation difficult. I am loosing my sense of self when I am around him.
I know he is in pain physically which triggers him constantly. I feel lost and alone. I have many friends he had friends but his closet 2  died in 2020 & 2021 and he makes no attempt to find new ones. He calls me his best friend, but I don’t feel like this is the case. My best friend of over 40 years loves and accepts me as I am. My husband doesn’t. He finds a lot of my personality very unacceptable. He wants me to see a therapist to equip me better to deal with his mood swings. I have done this - I am due to see her again next week as I am anxious a lot of the time. Honestly it feels like I made a huge mistake marrying him. I don’t know what to do as any suggestion that there is something wrong with him makes him fly into a rage. This is very difficult and I don’t want my daughter exposed to this. I have recently had a bad virus, this laid me low for  2 weeks and I withdrew to my bed. I don’t know how much of this is me trying to avoid conflict with him and how much is genuine illness. We had to cancel a trip to Morocco to see his son who is living there for a year. I felt massive relief as every holiday we have taken together has been exhausting due to his lack of emotional reg. He swings in and out of these moods so fast, and I am left feeling emotionally bartered and misunderstood for days…he wants me to take care of him
And is happiest when I am doing this - he had an emotionally absent mother and weak father. I know a lot about his upbringing as we met when we were teenagers. We broke up when I was 23 ( I ended it ) and then rekindled things when I was 60 & he 64.
I confronted him at the time about his unresolved anger issues and he agreed to have treatment . He appeared to get better & I agreed to marry him. But due to ill health and the stress of his ex refusing to leave his property plus him retiring his anger issues are very much back. Anything can set him off. But it’s mostly me. His self esteem is terrible and I don’t feel equpped to support him. My mother married a man with  chronic serious mental health issues. The strain of living with him eventually  killed her.
My 15 year old daughter has no friends & suffers from chronic anxiety. A lot of her behaviour indicates she may be on  the autistic spectrum, She is very intelligent and high functioning. She is bullied at school. And needs my support. I’m in the middle trying to be my bright sunny happy self and support the 2 people who are most important to me. And I’m failing
. My most important job is to care for my daughter. I hoped being married would give me support. But right now it doesn’t feel like that I feel like I have 2 sick children in the house.
I have always found my husband sexually attractive, but that is going away. What can I do to restore peace and harmony. My husband points the finger at me being the problem. ( literally)
I know that I am not. I had a series of nightmares last night after my realisation of his behaviour being BPD related - his ex wrote a book about the relationship and accused him of NPD - I don’t think she was correct in this. I think BPD and autism are involved. I am on the Adhd spectrum - very high functioning & able.
Please can someone give me some guidance as to what to ask my therapist to help me with when I see her next week.
Thank you and love to all

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[zoe878]

I, too, am a newbie. I just found this forum after finally figuring out that my husband most likely has BPD. I'm sorry I don't have advice, but I want you to know you're not alone. I was struggling last night, so I read the post of the success stories on here. That helped me calm down and give me some hope.

Best wishes and please know a fellow sunflower is sending you love from afar.

[EyesUp]

@Lunita, Welcome.

It's great that you're seeing a therapist who will support YOU, and also great that you're actively thinking about how to prepare and get the most out of this time.

Some things to consider. If I had to guess, you might spend the first few sessions providing all the context you've shared here - explaining all about your H, D, SS, H's ex and parents, your ex and parents...  i.e., everyone else.

What about you?

My suggestion is to use the time with your T to connect with yourself. Try not to worry about everyone else. 

Of course, all these relationships are a big part of who you are and have an important role in how you're feeling - especially your H and D.  That's fair, and understood.

But I'm sure you're aware that people rarely change. This may be extra-true for BPD people who seem to have antibodies that are especially resistant to any form of externally-motivated change... A hard truth is:  individuals with BPD need to find their own path.  There are some things you can explore and practice to reduce triggers and conflict, and there are good resources for these exercises on this site.  But that generally only goes so far.

In my journey, when I considered "radical acceptance" I initially understood it to mean that I would have to accept my pwBPD's behavior unconditionally.  However, I eventually came to understand that the true meaning of radical acceptance, at least for me, was coming to terms with things about myself - that I could or could not change. This was an important breakthrough. And so I encourage you - and everyone else dealing with BPD relationships - to look inward as much as possible, as part of the individual process.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=89910.0

While you're exploring - Consider reading up on "attachment styles"

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=279028.0

and codependency.  You may find some useful concepts...

https://www.bpdfamily.com/content/codependency-codependent-relationships

Wishing you some peace this weekend, and as you go forward.