my story after 3 years (i'm so lost...)

[worriedbf]

Hi all,

I'm so happy that I found a safe space to share my story, with so many people having so similar cases that it seems we were all dating the same person. Before knowing about BPD, I thought I was the one going crazy or maybe even toxic, but now everything makes sense and my ex girlfriend is a textbook for quiet BPD.

I met my ex girlfriend a bit more than 3 years ago (during covid times) and our first interaction was purely online since we live in two different EU neighbor countries. I always considered myself "smart enough" for not falling too fast for someone and this is the first time in my 35 years of life that I lived something like this, but my routine during those times consisted of purely commuting to work and staying home like the rest of us and she was stuck in her very small village, so I felt that we all kind of "needed attention" at some level and didn't think much of it for the first 4-6 months. Now looking back, there were many red flags I just ignored because I'm also "open minded" and wanted to be a "cool guy".

From the first interaction online it was her saying that I was "very handsome" straight away, which many of you guys also know that no matter how much of a Brad Pitt you are, getting such compliment is something very rare. It made me believe she was another scam, but it proved to be something worse.

We started talking to each other more and more, and after a couple of months, she was already telling me she loved me. I was very clear on "I can only tell you if I love you, once we meet in person". Yes, I was this smart back then... 8 months passed, restrictions were changing day by day, but I managed to go there and visit her for the first time. I fell in love right there and then at the first hug.

I really believed I hit the jackpot and considering all the odds of the universe, we ended up together in a place I didn't even know existed in a map. All the coincidences made me fantasize: her birthday is my dad's birthday, my birthday is her name day... it was destiny pure and simple and the universe saying we were meant to be together.

2 years passed since that first encounter, and she was the perfect girlfriend. I spent all my holidays  visiting her monthly, treating her well, supporting her on her mental struggles, dreaming about our future kids, etc... I was ready to marry her as soon as she finished university, and I was even learning the language of her country because we wouldn't want to live far from her parents. It was all perfect... until it wasn't.

At some point in the 2 years mark in December, something changed as if a flip was switched. She stopped replying to me properly, she said she was sad, depressive, or as she used to say "overwhelmed" and "dissociating". I never knew if she was really feeling that or just using those words to blame something. I started looking for all kinds of definition about depression, symptoms, what could be done, etc... and she was more and more distant to a point of sending me 1 small message every 4 or 5 days. Then, one day, she sends me a bomb: she confessed she cheated on me with a guy from her university. She said it was a "one time thing" and she wasn't expecting to "have sex" and that one thing led to another. I called her, and she cried so much out of guilt/shame/horror at herself. I tried to be an open-minded guy, and although it hurt a lot, I told her I forgave her and we could start over. It took me around 2 weeks of constant talk for her to "accept" to work things with me since she wanted to break up because she was feeling awful. I took the next flight and we amended things with her promising to start therapy.

Problem solved, happy life, right? Not quite...

I decided that we should travel more together, so I booked a trip for us after 3 months to see new horizons. The reconciliation vibe was going well but she never had the same smile as before... her eyes were mostly dead and she couldn't find joy on anything. The flip was still switched...
On our 3rd day in the trip, she gave me her phone to check on her period tracker and by accident (I swear, since I never touched her phone) I see a chat between her and 2 random guys (in English). I asked her about it, and the bomb was dropped: during a tantrum from out of this world, she confessed she was using dating apps to talk to other men, and not only that, she went for multiple encounters with people she met on that app to different cafés, restaurants, etc. She said she never did anything else, but how could I believe now?

There we were, in a very nice hotel in an unknown country with her crying her lungs out the whole night (it was basically a child on a tantrum). I was disgusted. She promised me she would start therapy with the therapist I found for her back then, she even messaged the Dr in front of me. I tried to keep things civil, and we remained together with her promise of "no more lies". At our return, she went for regular therapy sessions (I was paying the therapist directly) for almost 1 year.

Time goes by... during this last 1 year things never were the same... she would remove our pictures from social network saying she just "felt ugly", set configurations so nobody can see her friends on facebook, not allow me to mark her on pictures, and when I created an instagram account, before she accepting me, she deleted 60 men. I'm not joking, 60. She would also not let almost anyone follow her (so they wouldn't see our pictures) and only her could follow them back. All the techniques you may think of to hide me, she was using. Where did that woman who wanted to show me to the world as her prince go? She was hiding me as if I didn't exist anymore. She didn't even want me to go to her student dorm anymore at all costs...

From around October last year, she tried to break up with me around 2 or 3 times. I was always able to revert the situation, and what would trigger her the most would be any time I wanted to discuss something at a deeper level (regarding our relationship). She always felt cornered and wanted to run away, no matter how peacefully I would talk about it. We would start with her just listening, crying rivers of tears, and never saying the real reason about anything until I just stop, apologize for "triggering" her, and that was it. Many times I would come to her just to say "my angel, can we please talk about us for a bit? if I understand you better, it will make everything much easier" and that was enough to start the slavic revolt.

Back to our reality, 6 weeks ago there we were together again and the same question/trigger/breakup happened. This time, she packed up her stuff and left and I promised myself I wouldn't go after her. She soon blocked me from social network and removed all our pictures. We didn't speak for 6 weeks, until I reached out to her today to ask for a meeting/conversation for closure and she gave me a very hard no. Even the way she spoke to me, was like a total different person. She said that even if I go there to see her, she won't, and I must understand this is a no and to move on with my life because she will move on with hers. I obliged, said my final words of breakup and consider it a lost cause.

I just found out that she "monkey-branched" with a local guy. She doesn't know that I follow one of her open accounts that has this "guy" there for quite a few months (yeah, we were still together) and he uploaded a picture of her covering her face inside her room (with the... how to say.. vibrator almost hidden in the back charging and she wearing a male shirt - I bought that for us to play). It's so sad, but I couldn't expect anything different from her and I guess this explains now this behavior of repulsing me.

I still love her and care for her, and I know it's best this way but how can they mess with our minds like this? This is not my first relationship, and I always took break-ups calmly (and to be honest, sometimes even "exciting" for being free to follow my dreams) but this time is so painful because I projected my whole life on her and she mirrored me perfectly well.

Now, let's go for the red flags? 
- Since the beginning, she always mentioned that nobody ever liked her (romantically)
- She has SEVERE self-image issues to a point to call herself a monster (she's very pretty to me and maybe for normal standards at most "regular")
- She also has body dysmorphia... she's pure bones, but thinks she's fat/hairy/dysmorphic. She even mentioned once she would like to "remove her breasts" (which are on the very small size) just to have a "flatter" chest
- Did I mention extremely low self esteem?
- During these 3 years, she cut off all her best friends that "judged" her after she cheated on me. I'm still great friends with those girls and they now "hate" her. The only friend that still remains is the one that didn't judge her back then and is more on the type of "yeah, go for it girl" even though her life is a mess.
- She can't stand seeing a "beautiful" girl on the streets. She would come home, cry and envy them so much. It was more than enough to ruin her day to a point she even posted about it in a different forum and showed it to me.
- She can't make friends easily. She has almost no friends from university or where she lives. She avoids people who want to talk to her because she says it's "overwhelming" and "tiring" to socially interact.
- She always had something to be "saved", where I, the white knight, would comfort her and validate her.
- Pictures? never... it was impossible to take a picture of her, she would run from a camera like the devil from church
- She would stop going to therapy for a while, then telling me desperately that she "needed it urgently, because she was going insane" with her thoughts. I don't know what it means, but I guess it's when shame/guilt resurfaces in full force.
- Everything was "overwhelming" and "overstimulating" to her: after our first night together? she run away from the hotel in the middle of the night. sex after the cheating episodes? she would cry during or after in a point I felt I was a criminal doing what I was doing. Speaking about a specific topic? Too much to handle, she would run away too.
- She confessed many times how "tiring" social interaction is to her even with her family because it's as if she was wearing a mask 24/7. She would avoid going to her parents' house during the weekends just not to feel like "acting".
- She would ask her friends to stalk her ex!!!
- Remember the guy she cheated me with? She HATED him after that, and you know why? Because he never spoke to her again after that night! According to her, he did his thing and was like "okay, gotta go, bye". So I guess she wasn't properly feeling "guilty", she was using my shoulder to cry about him, the safe space.

There's much much more I'd like to say, but honestly, I want the best for her. I know her relationship with this guy won't last either because it's not solid from her side, or the guy might be just a player (I don't know). Deep inside I'd love to be "charmed back", but at what cost? I just want to feel acknowledged, to know that she's thinking of me, for her to know I was the best man on earth... yeah, codependency at its best.

Remember those friends she cut contact? She would often cry about how she let this happen... I wonder if she will someday cry about me too.

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[kells76]

Hello worriedbf and

So much of your story resonates: the relationship starting really quickly and intensely, the feeling of "this is my soulmate, we're perfect together", emotions changing suddenly like a switch being flipped, unstable relationships, blocking, feeling like she's a different person, promises not kept...

It is painful -- the highs were really high, and the lows were really low, and it all happened in a relatively short time period.

I hear the conflict going on for you, too:

Back to our reality, 6 weeks ago there we were together again and the same question/trigger/breakup happened. This time, she packed up her stuff and left and I promised myself I wouldn't go after her. She soon blocked me from social network and removed all our pictures. We didn't speak for 6 weeks, until I reached out to her today to ask for a meeting/conversation for closure and she gave me a very hard no. Even the way she spoke to me, was like a total different person. She said that even if I go there to see her, she won't, and I must understand this is a no and to move on with my life because she will move on with hers. I obliged, said my final words of breakup and consider it a lost cause.

and

There's much much more I'd like to say, but honestly, I want the best for her. I know her relationship with this guy won't last either because it's not solid from her side, or the guy might be just a player (I don't know). Deep inside I'd love to be "charmed back", but at what cost? I just want to feel acknowledged, to know that she's thinking of me, for her to know I was the best man on earth... yeah, codependency at its best.

Those are some pretty strong desires in tension for you -- vowing you won't go after her, and also wanting her to come back after you. That sounds difficult to sit with.

It seems like you're starting to dig into what was going on inside of you that might have drawn you to a BPD relationship. As you're posting on the "Bettering a relationship" board, know that one of the best things we can do to improve our relationships is just that: working on ourselves to become healthier.

Have you thought about working with a counselor or therapist to process this relationship? It wouldn't mean the counselor/T would be telling you what to do, more that you could gain clarity about yourself that could help you, whether you get back together with your exGF or not.

It could also be helpful to check out our series of articles on Saving a relationship that is in or near breakup. BPD relationships often don't respond well to "typical" relationship advice. It can take learning and practicing new, often unintuitive tools and skills to have a chance to make things work. Take a look at that link; anything there resonate with you?

[worriedbf]

Hello worriedbf and

So much of your story resonates: the relationship starting really quickly and intensely, the feeling of "this is my soulmate, we're perfect together", emotions changing suddenly like a switch being flipped, unstable relationships, blocking, feeling like she's a different person, promises not kept...

It is painful -- the highs were really high, and the lows were really low, and it all happened in a relatively short time period.

I hear the conflict going on for you, too:

and

Those are some pretty strong desires in tension for you -- vowing you won't go after her, and also wanting her to come back after you. That sounds difficult to sit with.

It seems like you're starting to dig into what was going on inside of you that might have drawn you to a BPD relationship. As you're posting on the "Bettering a relationship" board, know that one of the best things we can do to improve our relationships is just that: working on ourselves to become healthier.

Have you thought about working with a counselor or therapist to process this relationship? It wouldn't mean the counselor/T would be telling you what to do, more that you could gain clarity about yourself that could help you, whether you get back together with your exGF or not.

It could also be helpful to check out our series of articles on Saving a relationship that is in or near breakup. BPD relationships often don't respond well to "typical" relationship advice. It can take learning and practicing new, often unintuitive tools and skills to have a chance to make things work. Take a look at that link; anything there resonate with you?

Thank you so much for replying to my post, I know it was a long text and might be kinda tiring for some to read it all.

I have been reading a lot about BPD and codependency, and although I love her to the core, even after the things she has done to me, I guess my only option here is to accept the reality as it is. She probably has another 100 secrets hidden from me.

 
I paid her therapist for 1 year, and the same therapist saw the both of us twice before the breakup as "couple's therapy" but once we arrived there, she would remain in silence, cry, and couldn't express a thing so the feeling was that it was "totally pointless".

During her final "hard no" last week, she told me she did sit with this therapist again on that same week, so I decided to book the same therapist for me as well (first meeting was today). I booked the same therapist only because she already knows both of us, but she made it clear to me that "she is treating us separately and individually after the breakup". Of course I'm not going to the same therapist expecting to get any kind of information from her, far from that, but it's easier for her to understand it as a whole.

In today's session, I was basically the one speaking for 1h nonstop, so she understands how I feel, but we already have another session booked for Friday because as she said, she needs to understand "why am I suffering so much for this girl". I believe I know the answer for it all, I just don't want to see because the truth hurts.

Surprisingly, the therapist told me that she is already arranging a session with exBPD for next weeks, so I believe her desire to "heal" is honest. She knows something is wrong with her since she always told me that, as she used to repeat many times "I feel like I'm going insane" while crying.

 
I have a question: I offered the therapist to pay for my exBPD sessions (because she's unemployed and I doubt she will keep consistency) so she can tell her it's just "pro-bono" sessions or some kind of discount. She said it's fine by her. Am I doing the correct thing?

My reasoning here is: some people give money to charity, some others to feed their addictions, etc... am I wrong on secretly paying for my exBPD's therapist? Am I suffering for the White Knight syndrome again? For some reason the therapist was fine with it, otherwise she would tell me off I guess...

Thank you so much!

[kells76]

Hi again worriedbf;

I have a question: I offered the therapist to pay for my exBPD sessions (because she's unemployed and I doubt she will keep consistency) so she can tell her it's just "pro-bono" sessions or some kind of discount. She said it's fine by her. Am I doing the correct thing?

It might be worth looking into the ethics of that situation. It's unusual, for sure. Researching professional ethics guidelines for therapy in your country could help you understand a bit more.

My reasoning here is: some people give money to charity, some others to feed their addictions, etc... am I wrong on secretly paying for my exBPD's therapist? Am I suffering for the White Knight syndrome again? For some reason the therapist was fine with it, otherwise she would tell me off I guess...

There's a lot going on there, and a lot of information to learn behind your words, I think.

I'll add the caveat that I've also been in "unusual" therapy situations (short version: my H and his kids' mom had a marriage counselor before they divorced. That same MC also saw the kids' mom's new uNPD husband -- H's former best friend -- and MC's wife, also a C, briefly saw the kids' mom. Our MC, after decades of being licensed, chose to drop his licensing so he could work more in line with his spiritual values, so H and I were seeing an unlicensed MC with firsthand knowledge of the kids' uBPD mom and uNPD stepdad). So this isn't me telling you what to do or what not to do -- I get that therapy setups don't always look "boilerplate".

What stands out to me is: you're justifying your choices to us. I wonder where that need to justify/rationalize is coming from?

What also stands out to me is asking if you're wrong for doing _______. It's a way of phrasing things that leads me to wonder if you aren't really interested in a short "yes or no" answer to the question, but you're looking for some other kind of response (validation, maybe)?

And a final thing that stands out to me is mentioning that the T is fine with it and might have stopped you if it wasn't OK.

I hope that tone-wise I can convey that these aren't snarky, sarcastic, blaming, or put-down statements -- truly, it's me working through what you've shared and seeing if I can put together a picture of what's going on for you, behind the words. I hope that comes across OK via typing on a computer screen.

I guess the picture I'm getting is that at some level something about this doesn't sit right with you, but you're looking to external reasons ("plenty of people give to causes... the T would decide if it were wrong...") for your decision, which isn't disinterested (what I mean by "not disinterested" is -- you're right that people give to charity, but if all you wanted to do was fund mental health support for a pwBPD, why have it be your ex specifically?).

What if we sort of cleared all that away and asked -- what outcome do you want from funding your ex's treatment with the same T you see?

If you were honest, would you say some part of it is you want to get back together with her, and this seems like a good way to do that?

Again -- this is coming from someone who has had some, uh, unusual therapy setups, so it isn't me saying "do this / don't do that". More hoping we can challenge you to dig through the surface stuff to uncover what's motivating these questions.

It's a lot -- if this is too much too soon, let us know -- but if you're ready to dig in, I'd be curious to hear what you think.

[kells76]

To add a little more context to my last post --

sometimes when BPD is involved, we can get really wrapped up in them. What are they feeling? What do they need? If I do X, will they do Y, or will they blow up, or be unstable, or quit, or...?

There's such a huge spotlight on trying to control/manage/caretake the pwBPD's stability, feelings, calmness, health, etc, that we don't focus on ourselves. And just like the announcement on airplanes, you have to put on your own oxygen mask first, before you can help others with theirs.

So maybe a better way for me to express my previous thoughts would be:

instead of focusing on what she might need, or how to provide help for her that you think she needs, or analyzing if she really means it this time...

what if all that caretaking spotlight were focused on you, instead?

What are some areas that you could take care of yourself, and work on yourself (yes, including examining your own motivations), and improve/strengthen yourself?

Hope that makes a bit more sense.

[worriedbf]

To add a little more context to my last post --

sometimes when BPD is involved, we can get really wrapped up in them. What are they feeling? What do they need? If I do X, will they do Y, or will they blow up, or be unstable, or quit, or...?

There's such a huge spotlight on trying to control/manage/caretake the pwBPD's stability, feelings, calmness, health, etc, that we don't focus on ourselves. And just like the announcement on airplanes, you have to put on your own oxygen mask first, before you can help others with theirs.

So maybe a better way for me to express my previous thoughts would be:

instead of focusing on what she might need, or how to provide help for her that you think she needs, or analyzing if she really means it this time...

what if all that caretaking spotlight were focused on you, instead?

What are some areas that you could take care of yourself, and work on yourself (yes, including examining your own motivations), and improve/strengthen yourself?

Hope that makes a bit more sense.

Thank you so much for your comments, they mean a lot and it's easier to get rid of this mind numbness I am living.

Honestly, I think of myself BEFORE meeting her and I was so dedicated to myself! During my whole life, I've always loved myself and made decisions that I knew that were good for me (and you can see this reflected on my professional career, etc). From the moment I met her, I had this feeling of being the "saviour/white knight" and completely forgot about myself, often thinking that "I'm well already, now I need to make her well even if it costs me something". It has costed me... a lot. Not only financially, but for 3 years I haven't travelled anywhere else, I haven't visited long-term distant friends either, or my family (Australia), I haven't enrolled in a Masters I wanted so much, etc...

I believe the frustration of being "fooled" by someone who is simply ill is the sad part. I tried to use logic to all her behavior, but of course, logic doesn't apply to them because they're wired different.

I had 2 sessions with our therapist already, and she told me "what if you never understand her? what if your only option is to accept the way she is?" which although is the raw truth, doing so would mean a life of emptiness and sadness during her "lows" and probably walking on eggshells during her "highs" to avoid her going back to "low".

I will go for a few more sessions, promise to keep you updated. Oh, and I asked again about paying for her sessions and the therapist told me it's more than fine. I guess not an ethical problem in some slavic countries or maybe she just wants my money 

[tina7868]

Honestly, I think of myself BEFORE meeting her and I was so dedicated to myself! During my whole life, I've always loved myself and made decisions that I knew that were good for me (and you can see this reflected on my professional career, etc). From the moment I met her, I had this feeling of being the "saviour/white knight" and completely forgot about myself, often thinking that "I'm well already, now I need to make her well even if it costs me something". It has costed me... a lot. Not only financially, but for 3 years I haven't travelled anywhere else, I haven't visited long-term distant friends either, or my family (Australia), I haven't enrolled in a Masters I wanted so much, etc...

I`m learning myself that we meet people in our life who bring out different sides of us. There is a saying that goes people are in your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. Some will trigger parts of us that we didn`t know were there, and it`s an opportunity to learn more about ourselves. You can find yourself again, with a renewed understanding of who you are and what you do (and do not) want moving forward.

I had 2 sessions with our therapist already, and she told me "what if you never understand her? what if your only option is to accept the way she is?" which although is the raw truth, doing so would mean a life of emptiness and sadness during her "lows" and probably walking on eggshells during her "highs" to avoid her going back to "low".

This is a really important question to ask yourself.  No right or wrong answer, no judgement. But to the best of your abilities, you want to have your eyes wide open at what the implications of your answers are.

[worriedbf]

I`m learning myself that we meet people in our life who bring out different sides of us. There is a saying that goes people are in your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. Some will trigger parts of us that we didn`t know were there, and it`s an opportunity to learn more about ourselves. You can find yourself again, with a renewed understanding of who you are and what you do (and do not) want moving forward.

This is a really important question to ask yourself.  No right or wrong answer, no judgement. But to the best of your abilities, you want to have your eyes wide open at what the implications of your answers are.

Hey Tina, thank you for your kind words. I agree with it, and it's so crazy how some people can trigger parts of us we didn't know that existed before! I could never imagine myself in such situation and I've had quite a few healthy relationships in my life. Maybe my mistake was to assume that the "normal relationship logic" would apply to everyone? This still blows my mind.

I care for her dearly, and I would definitely take her back, but I will not go after her and beg. I've realized that the more you do it, the more they see you as a nuisance.

I still try to understand how I never saw this coming... she would often say that she feels she's "going insane", that she's "a psychopath", that she was always "overwhelmed" with her bare existence... at the beginning I thought it was just some kind of generalized anxiety for living in a village her whole life, but I could never expect it was just a symptom of something bigger.

I have another session with our psychologist on Friday by the way. Wish me luck