Not sure I can maintain this relationship with my adult daughter w/ BPD

[ExhaustedAlone]

My daughter is 25 & has a 5 year old son with ADHD. I have been told since her diagnosis, and even earlier in therapy, that I was the cause of her mental illness. I was a young, single mum (15) but did all I could - finished school, went to uni, got a job as a teacher so I could spend school holidays with her. I did the best I could but I was alone and had to make sacrifices to give her the best upbringing I could, filled with love & as much knowledge as I could muster from my child development and educational psychology lessons.
She has always been abusive, manipulative & has ruined most relationships I have tried to have. No matter what therapy she does or medication we try, she doesn't seem to improve.
Recently, she has been withholding contact with my grandson as a form of punishment. I basically raised him as she was in and out of mental health hospitals as we struggled to find help. She only moved out with him last year (and in with her boyfriend's mother) to punish me because I started a new relationship & would not give in to her lies about him.
Her behaviours have escalated to the point that I no longer feel that I can handle them. I am in therapy and have been diagnosed with C-PTSD as a result of the abuse (sometimes physical) I have endured as her mother.
I am devastated that I may need to cease contact but I can't keep living with this pain and sadness that her behaviours cause me.
How have others managed this? I have never given up on her, I always give in & try to help her, I have studied BPD and sought my own help but nothing is helping. Please help me.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi ExhaustedAlone
What an amazing person you are! Raising a difficult child when you were so young, studying and choosing employment to work around that of your child. Enduring abuse/pain and of course let's not forget raising your grandchild for the first and most important years of his life.

The abuse and chaos takes it's toll. I find myself tensing when dd comes out of her room or ping! and it's a text from dd.

I think the fact that you have stood your ground and formed another relationship would certainly be the catalyst for increased behaviour, withdrawing gs, moving out etc. When the focus of attention shifts from someone with BPD, there is a mad scramble to get that attention back . . . part of this complex, awful illness.

The questions going through my head are:
It is not long since DD moved out - will it last?
What sort of behaviours have escalated and how have you responded?

It sounds like this is something of a crossroad and it sounds as though you are mulling over whether to cease contact.

It certainly is an option and one that some folk here have chosen as the best one for their situation and ongoing health. It is valid. It doesn't mean however that the pain goes away. There is that gap that is always there, the anxiety about how things are with dd - a grieving process is probably the best way to describe it.

In my case I didn't cease contact - though at times I feel like if I don't get some space I will go mad!. But I found that I changed the way I related to it all. The biggest thing was that I learnt not to become emotionally involved. BPD is an emotional rollercoaster ride that was tearing me apart. I told myself I would walk alongside my dd but not 'with' her. In other words, I let go of trying to avoid the chaos, trying to fix things when they were clearly heading down a dreadful path etc.

It has been quite freeing for me. I am in the middle of awful chaos at the moment but I put my mind to other things when there is not an immediate drama that I need to  - calmly - be drawn into.

It has meant that I have accepted that DD could suicide, that she may be going to goal (this is the present drama) that her health will deteriorate etc etc.

I didn't cause this, I can't control it, I can't cure it.

I suppose I am saying that I think there are various ways of 'stepping back'. No contact is one of them. They are all valid.

Sometimes temporary no contact can be very helpful. I found that my DD relied on my stepping in, solving things, taking the initiative. I stepped back from these things. When my dd took her child - who had lived with me from the beginning - to a new bf's place I just let go. It wasn't long before the child was back, dd coming and going.

It's a chaotic rollercoaster ride. I think that - most of the time - I have found a way to keep my own steady journey ticking over in the midst of it all. I don't know what sort of contact is happening for you at the moment, but it sounds very distressing. If there is any chance of even a small period of time when you don't have contact or minimal contact, it is a chance to breathe, to acknowledge just what an amazing job you have done, and to appreciate yourself for who you are.

[MostlyOkay]

Our D24 moved out with her 6yo and newborn almost two months ago, to live her with new BF.  We didn't talk except to arrange pickup of her belongings until last week when I asked to see the 6yo and she allowed it.  6yo said "we can't live with you because you were mean to my mom and me."  I didn't argue with her, I just said wow, that sounds terrible.  She misses us and wants to be here more often.  We're negotiating a sleepover.

We cared for her for her first three years, while D24 was living in various places, acting out all the BPD traits.  Then she got married, and wanted her daughter back.  She would cycle through, sabotage her marriage, seek treatment, and ask if we would let our granddaughter move back in, which we did.  Back and forth for three more years.

This time, D24 asked for all of granddaughter's things.  I said no.  We'll always have a room here for her.  But I am committed to never allowing D24 to live with us again.  She is unable to support herself, but she alienates every person who helps her.  I'm not special.  To care for myself, I need to not give her money, cosign on loans or leases, or replace her broken phone.  I will care for her children.  That's it.

[ExhaustedAlone]

Thank you for your replies.

She moved out in January 2023 so it has been just over a year.  My grandson was staying with me every second weekend until recently when she perceived my actions to be other than my intentions (common for her to catastrophize and criticise choices I make for my own wellbeing) and did not support my grandson in a way that helped him to manage the situation.

For context, I was supposed to pick him up for my weekend but have recently suffered chronic migraines (suspected burst aneurysm) with 2 stints in hospital.  I can no longer work.  I had a dr appointment prior to my scheduled pick up time and was half an hour late.  My mother was with me (she is caring for me) and text my daughter twice to say we were late and then that we were on our way.  When we arrived, my daughter had promised my grandson a play outside and, when we arrived to pick him up, sent him into a meltdown as she promised something that could not be delivered.  The impact of the long wait at the doctor and subsequent wait at the pharmacy had exacerbated my migraine symptoms, and my grandson's meltdown only worsened my pain.  I had to make the decision to leave which triggered my daughter's sense of abandonment.

She then called to say she didn't want a 'hot and cold' relationship with her son and then weaponised my illness against me (eg. "If you're too sick to have him, then I won't be doing x y z and you won't be seeing him").  I have had him two weekends since the attack, and two days prior she was witness to a significant panic attack I had due to my severe levels of pain. 

In hindsight, I should have cancelled my weekend with him, but I was scared to cancel as I know how that can trigger a huge explosion from her.  I felt trapped and I did not know how quickly I would deteriorate in that situation.  I also could not wait for him to have a play or finish his meltdown (they are significant due to his ADHD and new medication) as my mother was driving and can not drive at night or in peak hour traffic and we had to leave asap.

I know it could have been communicated differently to her and I acknowledge that my choice to leave only made things worse, but to not have any contact with my grandson because I had to prioritise my own wellbeing is quite painful.  I did explain that it was never my intention to hurt either of them and that I had hoped he was coming the following day or even later that night when he had calmed down - I was not leaving because I can't handle his meltdown (I've been a special educator for over 15 years - I just couldn't handle the extreme pain).

I have a room at home established for my grandson, but have recently turned her old bedroom into my office and kept a spare room for guests.  I do not want her to return home as the living environment is never calm when she is around and it has affected my mental health so significantly.  I will always have a safe space for my grandson, however, I am trying to be the lighthouse for my daughter - I will shine the way but I am not diving in to save you.

I am not sure I can repair this relationship or if I even want to.  I know it is her illness getting in the way but I am riddled with anxiety that my entire life will be constantly filled with these miscommunications, manipulation, misunderstandings and I will always need to be the one to back down, apologise and never have my true intentions or feelings acknowledged or respected.

My relationship also ended due to the complexities of my relationship with my daughter and grandson so I am as my name suggests: exhausted and alone.

[Sancho]

Hi ExhaustedAlone
You are dealing with some serious health issues. The events you describe are an illustration of just how far off the scope of 'normal' response BPD adults are/can be. Sometimes we get caught in their world, anxious not to set them off, trying to keep things on an even keel as possible, trying to explain our intentions when we are so grossly misunderstood.

It's interesting to me that my dd can not tolerate me making any statements about not being well myself - no matter how small. It sets her off big time!

I am so pleased you are making boundaries as you work through this latest chaos: room for gs, not living with dd etc.

I notice you tried really hard to explain your intentions to your dd. Can I suggest practising not JADE - ing? You probably have heard of it - It's not to Judge, Argue, Discuss, Explain.

It can be the beginning of taking back your 'self' - a way of disengaging without judging or exhausting oneself trying to get the BPD person to understand - even a little.

The decisions you made about having to leave were totally correct and understandable - to any non-BPD person.

Keep thinking about what you need to do to care for yourself, and if in the meantime there is contact with dd, trying not to JADE - just brief I statements and disengage from discussion.

Your health is top priority atm!

[Ourworld]

Wow, you are in a really tough situation.

I just want to encourage you not to give up and put borders with her into play, from what you have said, it sounds like you have tried to do the right things.

My daughter blocked me about 12 years ago, she would not give me any idea what was going on - she seems to have silent and high-functioning BPD which makes it quite difficult-of course since she has blocked me there is not much I can do anyway, and it really hurts, so I urge you not to give up.

I think that until you are fully ready, as you have probably tried, to put FIRM borders in place with how much you can handle to your daughter-write this down and put it where she will read it, like her bathroom mirror perhaps.

From my experience, for I am no expert, I think that someone with BPD has a very short attention span and memory, and that even with high intelligence, need non-invasive reminders of things-like you do for a child.

Anyway, that is my take and suggestion. Do not lose your daughter and block her from your precious support. Be thankful she is with someone and no longer living in your home. You don’t mention the bf, so I hope that you communicate with him and that he can also be helpful and supportive.

I think about the natural progression of raising a child should be to let them go once they become adults. In your situation that is too difficult and, whether she shows it or not, she relies on you so greatly.

Wishing you the best!

[Ourworld]

Food for thought: I agree with Sancho that you should probably not give into her thoughts at the time by trying to explain things.
I believe that the thought process of someone with BPD changes from minute to minute. So when you give an explanation of anything, you have really lost her, because her mind has moved on, and she probably feels that your beleaguering what has been said.