People Pleasers Support Group - SNL

[TelHill]

It's from Saturday Night Live, but lived like this for many years.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?si=IxfnO32w9Li9klzo&v=1835C0xwS68&feature=youtu.be

[Notwendy]

  this is amazing!!

[Methuen]

I'm getting a message that this video isn't viewable in my country.

[EyesUp]

Wow.

[Notwendy]

I'm getting a message that this video isn't viewable in my country.
[/quoaite]

That's too bad. It's one from the US. It's a spoof on 12 step groups and the members are all people pleasing too much. It's comical.

One guy says he needs to break up with his girlfriend and the group encourages him to be honest. Then asks, "how did it go" and he replies "great, we are engaged!"

Another member got a horrible haircut and when asked how they handled it, replies "I told them I loved it and gave a big tip".

[TelHill]

Methuen, There are copyright issues to block viewing in your country.

It may be legally viewable on another platform such as Vimeo or Facebook.

[Turkish]

I had set up a proposal. We got chow mein from a great hole in the wall. We went to a park. I hid the ring in the fortune cookie package. She knew that the proposal was coming since we'd discussed a ring. To her credit, not a huge diamond, but gems she loved so we (I) could save for a home.

I mistakenly got her the normal sized box rather than the small box and she started going off on me, berating that i should have known to get her the small box. This was At the table in her favorite park, peaceful, in front of the ducks. My first instinct was to pull out the ring and show it to her and then throw it into the pond and break up with her.

However, if thought,  her, I'll show her! And I took out the ring, got down on one knee and proposed to her. She accepted.

She told me later that anyone who was willing to put up with her was worth marrying. 

It got worse after that, but we endened up spawning two great kids, so there is that. I only hope to teach them to have good boundaries and to know their self worth.

[Notwendy]

People pleasing has been an issue for me so that SNL clip was laughing as myself.

I think a part of this is that we think differently about some things. It wouldn't occur to me to get upset over the size of a box or some small detail so when someone does, we don't expect it- and don't know how to react.

[TelHill]

It took me a few views to laugh out loud. Some of the skit hit too close to home, Turkish.

Being picky over the size of the box sounds like something my dBPD mom would do.  If it bothered a non-personality disordered person, they'd say nothing. It's not a significant factor to look for in a healthy, stable partner by any means.

For me, I can see my people pleasing in a relationship (romantic, relative, friend) takes place when they do something hurtful or shocking. I tend to go along because I'm stunned and in disbelief. I have a very hard time leaving. It makes me feel like I have to earn their love since I am at fault or there is a good reason like trauma that I should excuse it. 

I believe this happened first as a small child with my mom since she is and was sadistic and out control. I think being shocked yet staying was learned helplessness. I couldn't leave my parents when I was four. Also, accepting to live with whatever came along because it was better than nothing. I seemed to wind up with no love almost always.

I don't know if this is the case with you Turkish or anyone else. I know we share traits as kids of a bpd parent but why they appeared in us is different.

[Turkish]

I believe this happened first as a small child with my mom since she is and was sadistic and out control. I think being shocked yet staying was learned helplessness. I couldn't leave my parents when I was four. Also, accepting to live with whatever came along because it was better than nothing. I seemed to wind up with no love almost always.

It sounds like you wanted to leave? Better than nothing... or alternatives. It's why I didn't tell the CPS guy at 13 that I wanted to go into foster care, because I'd been there and it was an unknown.

I often rail against magical thinking, but proposing to my ex instead of showing her the ring, tossing it into the pond, driving her home and packing up my stuff to go stay in a hourly rate motel in the strip seemed like a loss: this aggro person was my last chance and my only choice not to end up like my mother. Magical thinking in reverse?

I wanted to prove to her that I could do better! And deserve her love. You're right, though, with a parent, one is trapped. I've always wanted to soothe and help people, but being drawn into the chaos of dysfunction is unavoidable with BPD and the like. Boundaries make me feel like a jerk.

Funny thing, though, as I'm not like that with my kids.

[TelHill]

It sounds like you wanted to leave? Better than nothing... or alternatives. It's why I didn't tell the CPS guy at 13 that I wanted to go into foster care, because I'd been there and it was an unknown.

Yes (or my mom to leave), but it was safer than being attacked by strangers if I ran away.

I often rail against magical thinking, but proposing to my ex instead of showing her the ring, tossing it into the pond, driving her home and packing up my stuff to go stay in a hourly rate motel in the strip seemed like a loss: this aggro person was my last chance and my only choice not to end up like my mother. Magical thinking in reverse?

I wanted to prove to her that I could do better! And deserve her love. You're right, though, with a parent, one is trapped. I've always wanted to soothe and help people, but being drawn into the chaos of dysfunction is unavoidable with BPD and the like. Boundaries make me feel like a jerk.

I had no choice  to start setting them after my terrible ex husband passing  away (had no kids with my aggro person)  left me attractive prey to some family members. I was ganged up on -- the ones who are more holier than the pope.  My neighbors tried to extort money from me for a property issue of theirs I had nothing to do with. I lived with my parents to caregive and was pressured heavily to sell my place -- a roundabout way for them to force me to leave my home to caregive until they die. My sibling (one of the gang) also lobbied and roped in other cousins to say the same. He wanted me to be the live-in caregiver doing all the work. He could be off the hook for good while still getting all his  inheritance. In my family's culture, the caregiver gets most of the inheritance. My dad made it clear it would be 50/50 regardless.

This was an attack on my independence and source of income. It was scary that they wanted to destroy me.  For my relatives it called them out as hypocrites if they professed to believe in God. 

It's been very emotionally and physically draining to set them and stick with setting boundaries - like pushing an elephant down the block . I felt like a jerk and thought God would hate/punish  me for setting them.

The negative voices in my head are not as bad now. It's still very difficult and painful to go against your childhood grooming. It's really necessary for me, as it is for you to set with your kids. Will anyone like me comes into my head a lot.

I wish I dumped my ex before I married them too. I had the same magical thinking in reverse to make sure he liked me. He turned out to have a personality disorder like my mom.