Just another annoyance contributing to the death by a thousand cuts

[Notwendy]

Zachira,

 I'm frustrated, sad, and still at a loss because I feel so trapped by my own values. 
 

I can relate. I am constantly feeling I am in conflict too. There is the idea of what I am expected to do for her and - I fall short of that expectation constantly. I can not possibly do "enough" for her and also I keep a distance from her which isn't the image of what I wish things were. I can't achieve that ideal. There's the sense of failure.

Being that I can't do enough to gain my parents' approval, maybe I'm afraid to disappoint God.

Our parents influence our concept of God and so our values. We talk about this in 12 steps. If our parents didn't role model grace and forgiveness, we may not be able to perceive that with others or our values or idea of God. When others ask me about my mother, I assume they are blaming me for the issues like she does.

If we can't "get it right" with our parents, maybe we feel we have to somehow get it right with our values?

[zachira]

Methuen,
I have been thinking what might work with your mother. Have you considered finding some way to get her enrolled in a home meals delivery program? Your mother would only have to go to the door to receive the delivered meal and if she didn't come to the door certainly somebody would be notified, likely emergency services, if you were not available like out of town on vacation and out of range of telephone and internet services? You might get someone else like her doctor, one of her friends, etc., to get her to enroll in home meals delivery. Clearly if you suggest it, she would likely take it as some form of abandonment.

[Methuen]

Methuen,
I have been thinking what might work with your mother. Have you considered finding some way to get her enrolled in a home meals delivery program? Your mother would only have to go to the door to receive the delivered meal and if she didn't come to the door certainly somebody would be notified, likely emergency services, if you were not available like out of town on vacation and out of range of telephone and internet services? You might get someone else like her doctor, one of her friends, etc., to get her to enroll in home meals delivery. Clearly if you suggest it, she would likely take it as some form of abandonment.

So this was set up (with her agreement) the first time she had a fall many years ago (she fractured a bone and was in a wheelchair for 3 -4 months) .  That time, I started by caring for her at her house.  I was there 4-5 hours a day for 5 weeks.  Guess what?  That didn't go well for me (try to imagine caring in house for a BPD parent under stress from a broken bone), and that's when I went to a doctor for myself and home care got ordered for her recovery.  Meals on wheels was a part of that.  Guess what?  She soon cancelled it because she didn't like the meals (even though she got to choose them from a menu).

After her next fall (on the grass under her plum tree), she fractured 4 bones in pelvis and sacrum, and a close lifelong friend of hers volunteers in a church that makes home cooked meals for seniors who can pay a small remittance to receive them.  Her friend suggested this for her, and so mom ordered some meals.  She wasn't happy with the meals and has refused to order any more.

What can I say?

About 4-6 months ago I stopped bringing her meals, because I could see the problem.  I was enabling her to cancel other programs, and obligating myself to work harder to cook meals she liked.

In the last half year, I've only given her a half dozen meals.

My H does her grocery shopping, and she only asks for things like ice cream, chocolate, cookies, and crackers, grapes.  So that's what he purchases for her (with her credit card).  He doesn't try to counsel her. 

She hasn't cooked for herself in years.  Too much effort, and "she doesn't like cooking".

I've given up.  Mom just has to be allowed to self-destruct through her own bad choices.  And she has put me in the position where I have to accept that, or completely loose myself and any life I want to have.  She also has longevity in her genes, and all her siblings are "malingerers".  They are all alive in their nineties, or lived to be past 95.

Like NW's mom, my mom will reject anything that isn't from her desired "caretaker", all while being negative, mean, rude, ungrateful, and abusive. 

That's the way it is.  Full stop.  It will never change.

At some point, I suspect it comes down to "them" or "us".  We can choose to get sucked into the black hole with them, or "wake up" and find the courage to stop being their caretaker which means stop accepting the abuse.  But first we have to wake up to all the ways we are being abused, because how can you stop accepting it if you aren't even aware of the abuse "because it's so normal to you"?

This is where I would like to insert a poop emoji.

Thanks for thinking of me Zachira.  I am so grateful that there are people who care enough to look for solutions.  I think I've given up on solutions that outside of myself.  It's me that has to change - and stop accepting the manipulations and abuse.  I need figure out how to change my own thinking and behaviors to survive this.

I am so thankful for you!

[zachira]

Methuen,
You truly have tried everything to help your mother. Your decision to prioritize self care and let your mother be responsible for her terrible decisions make perfect sense.

[Notwendy]

Before going to assisted living, BPD mother was mainly eating Oreo cookies and candy bars.

She doesn't cook- she hasn't ever cooked or gone to grocery store. When Dad got sick, he had to fend for himself- living on frozen supermarket dinners. When I visted I'd make sure there was a proper meal to eat and he liked that. I suggested Meals on Wheels but he rejected that saying he didn't like the food. It may not have all been what he liked but frozen dinners aren't the best either.

BPD mother sends people to the store for her using her credit card for snacks and exras. She doesn't like the food at assisted living but will eat it.

I think you did the right thing to stop the meals- your mother won't go hungry- she has options. She can order in, or accept help from her church, or meals on wheels.

[Methuen]

I think you did the right thing to stop the meals- your mother won't go hungry- she has options. She can order in, or accept help from her church, or meals on wheels.

Thank you for this.

It was so distressing to get to the point where I did this - stopped bringing her regular meals (which I enjoyed cooking and sharing).  It just feels wrong because she's "my mother" and we have grown up thinking, believing, and acting like it is our job to help and take care of our mothers, especially into their old age.  Also, society looks favourably upon this, and sometimes judges you if you don't.

I think a "key" is what we feel inside.  In my case resentment.  That is like a mirror reflecting back to me that something is "off".

Ultimately, I don't honour myself or her, by cooking her nice meals so that she can continue to frustrate and hurt me. 

That just doesn't make sense.

Thank you NW for validating this, because it is just one of many many things I struggle with changing in myself.

[Notwendy]

I think a "key" is what we feel inside.  In my case resentment.  That is like a mirror reflecting back to me that something is "off".

Ultimately, I don't honour myself or her, by cooking her nice meals so that she can continue to frustrate and hurt me. 

That just doesn't make sense.

A counselor explained to me that the same action can be either a nice thing to do or enabling. The key to deciding which is which is how we feel and resentment is that key.

It's about saying "yes" to something we don't want to do but we do it anyway out of FOG. Then we feel resentful. We feel resentful when we do things for others that they can do for themselves.

We don't have to want to do everything we say "yes" to but we need to be willing and understand it's a choice. Maybe you don't want to cook dinner for yourself sometimes- but we are willing to do it because we want something good and healthy to eat. In this case, we won't feel resentful.

If it were a friend's birthday- sure- she can get her own meals but you want to bring her something as a gift. You won't feel resentful.

You brought your mother meals but didn't want to and still did it out of FOG and because you felt you should. If this was your mother's only option for food, it may be that you'd choose to do it because you wouldn't let your mother starve. But this isn't the case. Your mother has the ability to get meals elsewere. You didn't let her starve- you allowed her to take responsibility for her own meals.

Hope this helps to make some sense of this!

[Methuen]

Yes.  This is the reminder I needed, and makes perfect sense.

In fact, because I had multiple acute and chronic health issues May through July which also affected my ability to work at times, I was unable to put thought into meals for mom.  Until the last week of July, we didn't know if we would be able to take the August holiday we had been planning for a year.  It was all a difficult and stressful time.  We did get away in August, and had the trip of a lifetime.  Most people on this board would not be surprised to know that I started to feel better every day on holiday in August (camping trip with H and far away from mom).

Today when I saw her, she told me she started ordering meals from the church while we were away.  And she likes them!  I think because she didn't get meals from me for most of 4 months, it forced her to look at other options, and she decided they were ok (she doesn't cook for herself anymore).  In the past when I was also bringing her meals (my heart still really wants to do nice things for her), she cancelled the church meals because she liked mine better.  That kept me feeling like it was something I could do.  But her words also kept me obligated to keep producing more meals for her.  She NEEDS to keep people doing things for her. 

Now that she is enjoying the food meals the church makes, I want to encourage her to keep enjoying them, so it doesn't make sense for me to start bringing her meals again now that I am home.  And yet it doesn't really feel right not too.  She's still my mom, and I still have a desire to do kind things for her.  It feels like a kind of dilemma.

[Notwendy]

This is an example of how actually resourceful our mothers can be, while also seeming helpless and in need of help. Because you were not available to make meals- your mother- found another way to get them.

My father was my mother's caretaker. He did the shopping, driving. People were concerned that she wouldn't be able to manage without him and we were all surprised at how well she actually did for a while. She didn't do these things for herself but she is able to get people to do things for her. However, this came at a cost as she has to pay for help and when her care needs increased it began to take a toll on her finances.

I understand the wish to do nice things for your mother and I have felt that way but not anymore. I think it's due to this NPD aspect of her. She needs to feel superior and so, whatever I do for her, she sabotages it, is critical, and also talks down about me to others. Doing something nice for her seems to be an opportunity for her to do this. This isn't new behavior. I recall as a child, we decided to fix my mother breakfast in bed and we were really excited about it. What we heard next was complaints about the mess we made in the kitchen. ( it wasn't a mess). I have sent her flowers and she's complained about the condition they come in. She's thrown out food I have brought in, and almost refused to attend a family get together for her.

Posters here have suggested she may be envious of me being independent but I think there's more to this. She needs to be superior - to command me and make me subservient to her- and in an abusive manner. If someone is doing something nice for her- she perceives them as inferior to her, and becomes emotionally and verbally abusive to them- It's not only with me.

So, I don't have that feeling of wanting to do something nice for her. It's more at the level of what I think is treating her decently- for me. I called her the other day to remind her about her credit card bill, so she wouldn't get a late payment fee. That kind of thing- doing this because it's considerate but not out of a wish to do nice things.

Our relationship is task oriented. I am useful to her. She will accept me doing tasks for her so long as she maintains control and so I keep the tasks to what is necessary and only with her consent.

I am glad you took this break and also that you are feeling better. As much as you have done for your mother - also I am glad that by stepping back- you have seen how well she can manage. I think there's some mixed feelings with this- we want to feel needed. The relationship is our doing things for them for a reason- this is how we have tried to feel connected to them. I think children of all ages are wired to want to connect with our mothers. Maybe this is how we do it because we didn't have another way.

So there's a sense of unease about not feeling needed- it's our own abandonment fear. It's not the BPD fear of abandonment. I think it's instinctual. For a child to be abandoned by a mother is certain peril. We have outgrown this need but I think there's a certain pull still.

BPD mother didn't call me for over a week. On one hand, it was nice to not be called so much. On the other hand, it felt uneasy. She's getting her needs met somehow, at the moment.

How much of our relationship with our mothers is built on our own efforts to meet their needs? And if we don't- then what is the relationship from their point of view?

[zachira]

Methuen,
I so badly wanted to do many nice things for my mother in her last years and could not because I finally had to prioritize taking care of my deteriorating mental and physical health. You are still a kind loving ;person even though your mother will never acknowledge that. What new boundaries would you like to set with you mother now that you are back home? The little that you do see of her and how you treat her is very kind and caring with no reciprocity on her part.