>My mother with BPD, and I don’t know if I want to talk to her again

[KiaraBaneTMI]

So hi.  My handle is KiaraBaneTMI but you can call me Kiara I guess. This is my first time reaching out on a forum like this.
I guess the first things I want to say are that my mother is the one who suffers from BPD, as well as apparent addiction she refuses to acknowledge her problems. She’s always the victim. Granted, she didn’t have an easy childhood. According to her brother, my uncle, acknowledges that is true. He’s a recovering addict for over 20 years, and we come from a family of addicts. I trust him completely. But my mom doesn’t because he’s “turned on her.”  But I digress.
She is the perpetual victim. Nothing is her fault, not really.  She wasn’t addicted to pain pills, her body was, and she claims there’s a huge difference. My father is the devil because he filed for custody of me in high school. Her brother is the devil despite standing at her side for years and trying to protect and defend her. Everyone who disagrees with her is the devil and I’m being manipulated to hate her, her words.
This Christmas was the last straw.  I don’t know if I even want to talk to her again.  I haven’t since Christmas.  There was a huge fight. Since my parents are divorced and I’m in my 20s I try to spend time with both halves of my family separately on holidays. This year I didn’t want to sleep over at mom’s house for Christmas, and I didn’t spend thanksgiving day with her despite going to have an early Thanksgiving celebration with her and her side of the family that same week.  Anyways, my mom blew up at me for this and started making demands if we wanted to keep having a relationship.  She said I had to sign an NDA to never talk about her to her parents, her brother, or my father again. I had to move out of my father’s house.  Im in college and I am not mentally ready to live on my own.  I’ve tried, I got insanely depressed, even with roommates. She demanded I block her parents and my uncle from my contacts and never speak to them again.  That I only hung out with her for money, despite the fact that she kept offering to buy me things and said quote “now that I can afford to buy you nice things I want to.”  Granted I did milk it a bit, and I own that part, but she also offered.  She also pulled any financial aid from me, taking back the credit card she pays for and saying I can have it back once her demands are met. Luckily I have other people who can help me financially, but that hurt.  I try to be responsible with money, and always asked permission before buying something expensive or for myself. She also did this right in front of my step father and younger sister, who both took her side on the matter.  And the worst part?  She said out loud she knew what would happen if I left. That I would get comfortable with my life with dad, think she was crazy, and cut her off and not meet her demands. And she said it would be my choice and my fault if I destroyed our relationship.  Because it was my choice.her way was the only way.
 For the first time in my life I seriously thought suicide would be a better alternative than giving into my mother’s demands. I even called the suite hotline and got a hotel room to get away from everyone.i didn’t act on these thoughts, thankfully, but it was terrifying. 
I haven’t spoken to mom since. And my dreams these days are dreams of her berating me or trying to convince me that I am wrong. That I abandoned her and my step dad and sister like an ungrateful brat.  That I was being a monster, and that she didn’t know me anymore.
Many people in my family know mom is sick and acts pretty horribly. She’s not even invited to my cousin’s wedding, though I am.  I just finished reading “Stop Walking on Eggshells” and found the link to this site. So I decided to try it.  I guess I just want to feel less alone?  It’s one thing to have family members sympathize. It’s another to hear from people who go through the exact same thing I guess.
That’s all I’ve got.

[TelHill]

Hello Kiara,

Welcome to the forum. 

I think it's important to concentrate on getting your degree so you can earn your own salary.  It will help you not be beholden to the whims of a toxic person as you go on in life.  It sounds like you can get funding from another source for school which won't be as problematic as what you have now.

I did that to get away from my BPD mother and toxic FOO when I was of college age many years ago. I worked and had grants to fund my education since my parents didn't want to pay for it.

Have you been to therapy or are considering it?  It might help to deal with your depression and family pressure.

[Methuen]

Hi Kiara and welcome.

It sounds like you already know you need some distance from a toxic mother in order to heal.   I’m glad you found Eggshells, and us.

Your mother is gaslighting you, but you already know that.

Continue to Surround yourself with people who you trust and who fill your cup, and avoid spending time with people who tear you down and empty your cup.

Your mother has raised you to take care of her feelings.  This is not your job.  She is an adult and needs to learn to deal with her own feelings, or live with the consequences in her own toxic soup. We feel guilty and bad when they gaslight us, but we can unlearn that. However, it takes work on our part, but it’s better than the alternative of staying as  their emotional whipping post. 

Be kind to yourself right now.  What kinds of things work for you to “fill your cup”?

[Turkish]

She said I had to sign an NDA to never talk about her to her parents, her brother, or my father again.

Not only is an NDA ridiculous on its face, demanding isolation from friends and relatives is performed by a person engaging in domestic abuse, an isolation tactic to assert unreasonable control over your autonomy as a person.

[Notwendy]

Kiara-

Your father didn't want to stay with your mother - can he understand why you wouldn't want to either? Is he able to help you with college expenses? Can you move back in with him?

[CC43]

Kiara,

You've come to the right place.  You're justified in feeling tormented, hopeless and manipulated.  BPD is a serious illness that shatters relationships.

You're mom's outrageous requests to sign an NDA and cut off family members from your life is ludicrous and cruel.  She's trying to isolate you from others to control you.  And she's probably using money to do the same, to "buy" your allegiance and obedience.  Please don't let her.  A few bucks isn't worth the cost of alienation in my opinion.

You are in your 20s, at the beginning of the prime of your life.  If I were you, I would focus on getting a degree and moving towards independence.  There are student loans for that.  And you have other family members who might be in a position to help you out--with moral support, a place to stay on a weekend, or a low-interest loan.  If I were you, I'd cut any financial ties to your mom, because she's toxic.  Plus, you're an adult, you should be fending for yourself anyway!  You write clearly and have structured your thoughts, so you're clever.  You've got this.  If you focus on you and making your own way in the adult world, you shouldn't have much time leftover to worry or be lonely.  And eventually your mom will lose control over you.  Maybe that's why she's acting out now, because she can't stand the thought of losing control.

You're being a great daughter by trying to spend time with each side of the family on holidays.  That's normal.  If your mom ever calms down and stops making outrageous demands, you can calmly tell her that you'll be visiting only for an afternoon and mealtime, and then you have to get back to your life.  You have studies!  You have a job to do!  It's her choice whether to accept that or not.  And it's her loss if she tries to mess with your plans.  The instant she starts lashing out at you, you can say that you don't deserve that treatment, and leave the room or leave the house if necessary.

You might feel sad that you don't have a kind or normal mom.  Yes that's sad.  But it's better to be a little sad than suicidal because she's a tyrant.  I think you need to separate yourself from her to focus on you and get some perspective.

If you're scared about fending for yourself, that's normal too.  Everyone feels that way when they are first starting out.  That "anxiety" is what's spurring you to take action.  I promise that a little anxiety about schoolwork, finding a job or working at a job is superior to the torment of a volatile relationship with close relative with BPD.

[Methuen]

She also pulled any financial aid from me, taking back the credit card she pays for and saying I can have it back once her demands are met. Luckily I have other people who can help me financially, but that hurt.  I try to be responsible with money, and always asked permission before buying something expensive or for myself. She also did this right in front of my step father and younger sister, who both took her side on the matter. 

So a thing to know about a person with BPD is they never give you something without strings attached.  It's about CONTROL.  Not love.  Parental love shouldn't be conditional, or transactional.  It's not a business deal. A healthy mother will provide for her children and give gifts when it's right to give gifts because they want to, and because they are the ADULT.  Not because they are entitled to something back in return (her "demands" which you refer to).  That's the BPD part (having "strings" attached).

And the worst part?  She said out loud she knew what would happen if I left. That I would get comfortable with my life with dad, think she was crazy, and cut her off and not meet her demands. And she said it would be my choice and my fault if I destroyed our relationship.  Because it was my choice.her way was the only way.

A healthy mother doesn't threaten her child. Or gaslight them.  It's interesting that on some level she is able to predict what will happen, which suggests to me that she has some level of understanding of the problem, but she won't take any responsibility for that problem, and instead chooses to blame and attack everyone else for her problem.  This is classic.  My mom refused counselling her whole life.  Every time I read a post about someone's mother who is "diagnosed" I am shocked because it means that person agreed to see a psychiatrist for long enough to get a diagnosis.  My mom wouldn't even see a counsellor much less a psychiatrist.  I am starting to think of BPD mother's as frauds.  They get to be called "mothers" because they birthed us, but their disorder doesn't let them act as mothers in loving and nurturing ways.  Instead they try to control us, they act like tyrants at times, and also have the emotional maturity of children or teenagers. They just use us to meet all their complicated needs - rather than actually parenting us.

For the first time in my life I seriously thought suicide would be a better alternative than giving into my mother’s demands. I even called the suite hotline and got a hotel room to get away from everyone.i didn’t act on these thoughts, thankfully, but it was terrifying. 
I haven’t spoken to mom since. And my dreams these days are dreams of her berating me or trying to convince me that I am wrong. That I abandoned her and my step dad and sister like an ungrateful brat. 

You are an intelligent, caring, and pragmatic person.  In a crisis, you got yourself away from the problem and sought expert help.  Are you able to stay away from your mom until you are able to return to an emotional baseline, and also stop having these dreams?  If one looks at the problem with reason and analysis, she is the one acting like the ungrateful brat here.  Not you.  She is projecting her toxic feelings of herself onto you and accusing you of being what she is feeling.  Not very "motherly".

No mother demands an NDA of her daughter.  That is just so messed up.  And yet she is the one attacking you and pulling on your emotional strings to make you feel so guilty and bad you have to isolate yourself in a hotel and call a hotline.  Being around your mom isn't a safe place to be right now.

College/Uni campuses have resources such as counselling (free).  Have you already sought that out?  If you haven't already done this, try finding a T that is a good fit for you (and one with experience in BPD).  If you've already got one, I hope it's a good fit. Many of us here also have a T. And I'm so glad you have found our forum. You will find support here from people "who get it". 

Are you living with your mom, or do you live in residence while attending college?   

[KiaraBaneTMI]

I am currently living with my father and have been for the past few years. I tried living on my own once, even tried with roommates, but I was so unbelievable depressed it was better for me to just move back home.  He provides me with financial stability and a roof over my head. And care. He’s usually super busy this time of year so we haven’t talked much these past few weeks, but he knows all about my problems with mom. He tried to help as best he can, but sometimes his advice seems counterproductive. He wants to make sure everyone is happy and doesn’t want me completely shutting out mom. When I was completely brainwashed I did that to him and it was hell for him.  He doesn’t want that to happen to her, despite everything she has done to him.  He tries to be a good man, and he is. But his advice isn’t always what I need.

I do have a psychiatrist I visit every other week, though I want to go back to every week.  The every other week thing is like a “trial period” since I’ve been in therapy with him every week for at least two years.  He thinks it’s time I graduate to longer times between sessions.  But it feels rough. I suffer from Bipolar depression and it feels like it’s getting worse.  And this constant “calm” I’m having now that I’m not talking to mom is making me more and more anxious and stressed. I’m so used to chaos and fighting. Not having that makes me stressed.

Im part time in school right now and have a paid internship.  I don’t like my major anymore (it’s Accounting), but I’m following through with my degree because there’s no downside and will give me employable skills for nearly any business.  I worry about freeloading off of my dad since he pays for everything, and I pay for nothing. My mom doesn’t pay for anything and hasn’t finished anything or any commitment a day in her life. 

Ugh my brain feels like a hurricane today.  Jumping from one thing to the next, catastrophizing everything.  I feel my heart racing in my chest and my head feels like it still of cotton due to my horrendous allergies.

I don’t know if that answered all questions or if I even replied to your comment correctly Methuen.  Hopefully you get this.
If anyone else is reading this then feel free to comment and reply too.  I’m new to this forum and would like all the support and help I can get.

[Notwendy]

I am currently living with my father and have been for the past few years. I tried living on my own once, even tried with roommates, but I was so unbelievable depressed it was better for me to just move back home.  He provides me with financial stability and a roof over my head. And care. He’s usually super busy this time of year so we haven’t talked much these past few weeks, but he knows all about my problems with mom. He tried to help as best he can, but sometimes his advice seems counterproductive. He wants to make sure everyone is happy and doesn’t want me completely shutting out mom. When I was completely brainwashed I did that to him and it was hell for him.  He doesn’t want that to happen to her, despite everything she has done to him.  He tries to be a good man, and he is. But his advice isn’t always what I need.

Im part time in school right now and have a paid internship.  I don’t like my major anymore (it’s Accounting), but I’m following through with my degree because there’s no downside and will give me employable skills for nearly any business.  I worry about freeloading off of my dad since he pays for everything, and I pay for nothing. My mom doesn’t pay for anything and hasn’t finished anything or any commitment a day in her life. 

I can relate to these dynamics and your feeling of "freeloading" while being in college and accepting your father's help, and in contrast to your mother.

As a parent of grown children who went to college, please understand - you are not freeloading. You are doing exactly what parents want children to do- preparing to be independent. Sometimes it takes this "in between stage" which is college to get there.

I understand the feeling through as I felt I was somehow a financial "burden" on my parents. That was not the case at all. It was the disordered dynamics that led me to feel that way. Now that I have helped my children go to college, I know differently. It is a pleasure to see them pursue careers.

As to your major, I think you are correct to finish college as soon as you can and not change majors as this is the path to being financially independent as soon as possible. I think it's common for students to feel they are locked into their major for the future but that isn't the case- people change careers, do continuing education later. If you truly are unhappy in a job or career- don't stay in it- but finishing college first puts you in a financially independent situation. Accounting requires skills in math and computing and these can apply to other careers too. Most colleges have career centers and it may help to speak to someone there about what can be done with an accounting major.

As to your father's advice-  I felt a similar ambivalence- that my father cared about me but he also wanted my mother's happiness and to not be the one to be hurtful. It is necessary to have boundaries with my BPD mother and on the other hand, she feels "hurt" by boundaries.

I agree, it's not helpful when we are asked to tolerate a hurtful situation in order to not hurt our BPD mother's feelings when what we need is support for our situation. It's good that you have a counselor. I think it's difficult for family members to be objective in these situations. Your father isn't necessarily "wrong"- he just wants you both to be happy but that may not be possible if you need to have boundaries with your mother and she isn't happy about that.

I think there's a differerence between your mother feeling hurt and an intentional act of hurting someone. I find that my mother can find some reason for feeling hurt, even when there's no intention of doing so. I have even done things with the intention of helping and trying to make her happy and somehow she will say they hurt her feelings. I can't control how she feels emotionally. For me, I need to know my own intentions. I don't wish to be hurtful to her- but I also don't have to tolerate hurtful behavior either.

I think it's great that your father is being helpful to you during college. It's a sort of "in between" until you are able to be financially independent and on your own. Your father is human too and wants to see everyone happy- so he may not be fully objective. But he seems to be supportive to you in general.

[Notwendy]

I do have a psychiatrist I visit every other week, though I want to go back to every week.  The every other week thing is like a “trial period” since I’ve been in therapy with him every week for at least two years.  He thinks it’s time I graduate to longer times between sessions.  But it feels rough. I suffer from Bipolar depression and it feels like it’s getting worse.  And this constant “calm” I’m having now that I’m not talking to mom is making me more and more anxious and stressed. I’m so used to chaos and fighting. Not having that makes me stressed.

I think you are insightful to your own feelings which is good. The "feeling stressed" when things are calm with your mother- I think this is relatable because, even when things are calm, we may feel "on guard" as experience is that the calm doesn't last.

It is possible to become "addicted" to chaos and drama. It takes our focus off other things and on to the issue at the moment. When there's no chaos, we are left to deal with our own feelings. If we have been focused on managing our BPD parent's feelings- that can feel uncomfortable.

I think we are all a "work in progress" with our own personal emotional growth. It isn't a one time done thing. As a teen, I imagined that getting out of the house and on my own was the answer and in many ways it was one- and a good one at that, but emotional growth is something that continues for everyone. Going to college, an internship, working with a psychiatrist- you are taking positive steps.

[Methuen]

I worry about freeloading off of my dad since he pays for everything, and I pay for nothing. My mom doesn’t pay for anything and hasn’t finished anything or any commitment a day in her life.

Kiara I hear your mom's voice here.  Be curious... ask yourself what makes you use the word "freeloading"?  Where does that even come from?  Within weeks after our babies were born, we opened an account for them to be used for university.  Many (most?) parents will support their children financially where the goal is to get a post-secondary education - if they are able to.  That's called support.

Can you see how " financial support" vs "freeloading" are two very different ways of thinking? One is positive and one is negative. Call it a paradigm shift away from freeloading and towards receiving "financial support", which is a much more positive and self-affirming perspective.

I agree, it's not helpful when we are asked to tolerate a hurtful situation in order to not hurt our BPD mother's feelings when what we need is support for our situation. It's good that you have a counselor. I think it's difficult for family members to be objective in these situations. Your father isn't necessarily "wrong"- he just wants you both to be happy but that may not be possible if you need to have boundaries with your mother and she isn't happy about that.

This is so wise.  You are not responsible for your mother's feelings.  Your mother is!  She is an adult, and she can "self soothe" if she needs to.  It should never be our job to caretake our mother's feelings, or shape our behaviors or decisions around their feelings.

I suffer from Bipolar depression and it feels like it’s getting worse.  And this constant “calm” I’m having now that I’m not talking to mom is making me more and more anxious and stressed. I’m so used to chaos and fighting. Not having that makes me stressed.

So there's a lot to unpack there about why the "constant calm" you mention is making you more anxious and stressed.  Can you tell us more about that?

A few years ago, I needed a boundary from my mom, who I was "caretaking" (she was in her 80's and I was retired).  My "boundary" was going back to work from retirement, which I did for me (mostly to feel safe).  If I was at work, mom couldn't demand me to help her. She criticized me regardless of how kind and helpful I was, barked at me, was mean to me, and it was never "right" or "enough". So by returning to work, I "got away from her". She accused me of not loving her if I wasn't available because I was at work.  Well Kiara, I can tell you that transition back to work and away from mom was H _ _ L. Mom raged at me and said terrible things.  I felt like a terrible daughter.  But I'm not a terrible daughter.  I've actually been a great daughter, although mom doesn't see it if I'm not meeting her immediate needs. These feelings of "not being enough" are something I'm still working on.  Now, two years later, I don't feel the guilt the same way I used to, and I don't feel the stress about not having the same contact with her (well sometimes I do, but it's not as intense and doesn't last as long).  I guess my point is, I believe these feelings you are having right now can get better with time and space.  The feelings are temporary.  It won't always be like this.  There's lots for you to be hopeful for.  And I'm so glad to hear you have a supportive dad.  It sounds like a safe place for you to live (I'm hoping I've got that right), and you're on your way to a career path which will lend you different kinds of opportunities and financial independence.  I find I can think more clearly when I'm not in the eye of the hurricane ( my mother).  And it's fantastic you also have a psychiatrist.  

[KiaraBaneTMI]

When I say I think my bipolar disorder is getting worse it’s hard to explain. For the past few weeks I’ve been feeling nothing but emptiness, numbness and stress. Like there’s no joy in anything I do, nor any anger or sadness or negativity. Even when doing things I normally enjoy, such as cooking or painting or playing video games, there’s no enjoyment. I’m just going through the motions.
It’s a constant state of emptiness that’s making the irrational part of my brain slowly start to scream louder and louder. Here’s an example: in my audit class today I had the hardest time focusing. It felt like everything was distorted and the teacher was speaking another language.  And as I tried to focus, I became stressed and bored and felt a small panic in my chest. My brain’s recommendation?  That I should either stab in the leg with a pencil to try to feel something other than this emptiness, or that I must have a brain tumor that is messing with my ability to do school work.
It’s irrational.  And slowly getting worse. I didn’t do anything self harmful but the fact that my brain jumped there is a bad sign. I’m no stranger to self harm, but I haven’t done it in a while. In fact, when I don’t self harm, I try considering my myself a version of “sober,” and if I do self harm again it will be a “relapse.”  My mom’s side of the family is full of addicts and I find this terminology slightly comforting. It connects me to something greater I guess. 
But I digress. I think another reason my depression is getting worse is because of my mother’s birthday coming up.  I don’t want to be a bad daughter and not call her or go see her, but I just don’t think I’m mentally or emotionally prepared to hear from her again.  I’ve blocked her on all communication except social media (which I barely use), and she still messaged me through Instagram to tell me how she loves me and is sorry she hurt me. And that just makes me feel worse. I understand rationally that she’s just trying to get me back into her sphere of control, but I want to believe she is going to genuinely change and be better this time. But I want to go back and beg her forgiveness. I hate that.  I didn’t do anything wrong did I?  It always feels like I did everything wrong. If I had been a better daughter to her then we wouldn’t be having this issue. But I know logically that isn’t true. It’s the believing it that’s the hardest part.

[Notwendy]

Kiara- you are very self aware and the dynamics between you and your mother are complicated. Babies are wired to cling to their mothers for survival. We adopt certain behaviors as young children for our own survival. The loss or withdrawal of a mother is terrifying to a small child. Also we felt responsible for our mother's feelings.

It is understandable that you have this urge to run to your mother and beg her forgiveness, even though you did nothing wrong. I think children are wired to connect with their mothers. It's complicated when the mother is mentally ill and emotionally abusive. That wanting connection is instinctual. We use our rational thinking to decide how to act on it or not. When we are in a high drama relationship- that takes up a lot of our focus. You have decreased your contact with this drama and so, there's empty space where drama used to be.

Another coping mechanism is to disconnect from feelings. That may explain why you aren't feeling much.

Since you have a mental health provider- it may be that you need to be in contact with him at this time. I see that he wants to see you become less dependent- but it seems there are two things going on right now- the decrease in connection with your mother and the decrease in therapy. Consider reaching out to him.

[zachira]

It may help you to know that mental health professionals are often encouraged by licensing boards to not keep clients forever and to have a plan for termination. In many areas, mental health professionals can be disciplined and even lose their license to practice when they keep a client who is not benefitting from therapy and/or it appears the client is being used solely for the therapist's financial benefit. Perhaps it would help to evaluate your progress with your psychiatrist and ask him why he thinks you are ready for longer times between sessions.

You are the expert on how you are doing and on your own mental health. Do share with the psychiatrist that your depression is getting worse not better.

[KiaraBaneTMI]

I had therapy today with my psychiatrist and told him about how my depression feels worse, not better. We discussed some reasons as to why that is. Lately I’ve felt numb and empty, like my actions have no meaning and I’m even bored with things I enjoy. He asked me what I do during the week outside of work and school, and the answer is honestly nothing. No clubs. No hobbies. Not many friends.  No significant other. Just perpetually alone at home with my dog and my dad when he’s not at work.
For months my psychiatrist had been encouraging me to find hobbies and like minded people to hang out with, but I am always resistant. Not just resistant, it’s like I’m completely obstinate. Just the thought of trying to meet new people and friends in a social situation fills me with dread. I do have a history of being bullied and losing friends by changing schools, so part of me is probably trying to shield myself. But could it also be something else?  Could it be related to my relationship with my mother?  Or am I using her as an excuse to not try?
For many years, especially during high school and early college, my mother and I were completely imeshed.  There was no Kiara, there was only what Kiara’s mom needed, what she liked, what she wanted. Kiara’s needs were second to her mom’s.  I did the chores, I did shopping, I picked up medicine and my younger sibling from school, I did the housework. 
Am I just scared of that imeshment again or am I just scared of being bullied again

[Notwendy]

Kiara- one of the main tasks of adolescence is to differentiate from parents- to become one's own person. Since a teen doesn't know who they are, they tend to the side of "not the parent" at first and then come around once they have a more solid sense of self. This isn't easy for a parent - to have their child "reject" them in a way but it's a necessary part of development.

We don't take this step if we are enmeshed with our mothers but also even if we are not, if we are too afraid of their reactions to "reject" them in the way. By rejecting I don't mean they don't love them. It's the stage where they don't want to be seen with us at the mall and are embarrassed by anything we say.

On our part, it's enmeshment or the other- being fearful of them. Our mothers make us responsible for their feelings. How are we supposed to figure out our own?

I can relate to feeling lost and "different" in college. In some ways, I was more mature than peers, having been parentified, and in other ways, felt the gaps in development. I was afraid to have a romantic connection with guys. I liked guys but if they began to like me, I was too scared to reciprocate. Other girls seemed more confident than I was. Hanging out, just going to parties, I just felt I didn't fit somehow.

It can get better, it's not all at once. I don't feel that way now. I know that I like certain things although I tend to be introverted and not get too close to many people. There is inner child work- we don't act like children but we may need to learn how to have fun. I hope your psychiatrist can help guide you but it's also trial and error. You may have to discover what you like to do by trying things.

[CC43]

Kiara, You sound mature and extremely thoughtful. But maybe your brain might need a break from thinking so intensely. I find that swimming and walks in nature help me get me out of my head. There’s something about working the body, engaging the senses and breathing deeply that help break negative thinking patterns, and reboot the brain for the day. Or maybe yoga could work for you?  I think light exercise is less stressful than hanging out with friends when feeling blue.

[Turkish]

I can relate to feeling lost and "different" in college. In some ways, I was more mature than peers, having been parentified, and in other ways, felt the gaps in development.

From about 11 years, I became cognizant that I related to adults better than my peers, the "old soul" deal. I was definitely parentified, especially as the single adopted child of a single mother.

KB, I only realized this when I was far older than you. I'm glad that you've reached out to us for support 

[Notwendy]

But maybe your brain might need a break from thinking so intensely. I find that swimming and walks in nature help me get me out of my head.

Great idea- some kind of exercise really does help.

Turkish- I didn't figure this out in college either. My goal was to get to college and get away from the chaos at home. I assumed that was the solution. It was a first step but there was more to it. I also had the perspective of "not being like my mother" but then, there's the task of- I am not her but who am I?

Kiara- it is what it is- and personal growth takes some time- and it's OK to not have it all figured out by now. Personal growth continues and it may be that something you like to do now won't be the same a few years from now. We also learn from experiences- try something- you might like it, you might not.

[KiaraBaneTMI]

Today is mom’s birthday and I don’t know what to do.
I still don’t feel ready to talk to her, but I don’t want to ignore her. I forgot her birthday one year and her reaction still makes me feel ill. It was so bad. And I tried to make up for it but nothing seemed to work.
Anyways, today is her birthday and I still don’t feel ready to talk to her. I keep thinking about sending her a text but that seems impersonal. I think I should call but she’ll probably answer and demand to know why I haven’t spoken to her.  If I don’t call then my stepdad may call and ask why I haven’t called her and why I called him on his birthday.  And going to visit them is out of the question. They live three hours away and I wouldn’t have an escape route or safety plan in place. I’m also just not ready to see her.  Ugh I just feel sick thinking about this. 
What should I do?  Just send a text?  Or do nothing?

[CC43]

Kiara,

I understand why a telephone conversation could feel stressful, because you can't control what the other person will say.  But if you want to recognize your mom on her birthday, then maybe you could send a text or a card.  It's not too late, either.  You don't need to be lovey-dovey.  Maybe you could find an image or a quotation that reminds you of your mom and just say that--this reminded me of you, and I wanted you to know that I'm thinking of you on your special day.  I bet she'd appreciate that, and you wouldn't feel guilty or torn.  If your mom throws a fit because she thinks she deserves more, then that's her problem.

[KiaraBaneTMI]

Today I’m just wondering if I’m crazy or not. Or if I’m just reaching out on this forum to gain sympathy and have people validate my behaviors and actions.

My mom’s birthday was last week and I didn’t get her anything.  I was going to call her or send her a text but once I unblocked her number and saw the last texts she sent me I felt this wave of resentment and anger and just couldn’t do it. I sent her a brief happy birthday text next day, but my dad (the healthy parent I live with) chastised me for it. Now he’s been ghosted by me before when I forgot his birthday and when I was younger and completely brainwashed by my mom to believe that he was evil and abusive.  Her solution is to cut out anyone in her life she doesn’t agree with or has trouble with.  And I feel like that’s what I’m doing now with her.

My sister and cousin had dinner with my mom the other night and tried to bad mouth me to them. Trying to instigate an argument or discussion or fish information about me I think. I wasn’t there, but they told me they didn’t engage in talking about me with her.  But they did tell me mom made a comment on me not calling her and that she “doesn’t understand why (I’m) treating (her) this way” and she “doesn’t know what she did wrong.” 

I guess I’m just worried I’m falling into her patterns of isolating and avoiding anyone who makes her unhappy or uncomfortable.  Is that what I’m doing or am I putting up a healthy boundary for myself?  Am I on this forum to get validation from strangers like my mom does on social media, or am I really seeking help?

I’m going to send her a text later to apologize for not calling her on her birthday, because that was kind of PLEASE READty.  And I’m going to get her a card or write her a letter and mail it to her. Am I giving in to her voice in my head telling me I’m a bad daughter or am I doing something healthy?

[zachira]

Recognize your mother's birthday if this works for you while knowing you have no control over how she responds. It might be easier to send her a small gift like flowers instead of a written message as she is likely to take what you say way out of context and use the written message to abuse you. She may throw away the gift or tell you how much she doesn't like it, so if you do send a gift it is important not to be attached to your mother showing some kind of appreciation for the gift.

[Notwendy]

There is the facts of what happened and then, the "story" someone makes up about the facts. Fact: you sent a brief happy birthday text to your mother. Story: you forgot your mother how could you do such a terrible thing- you are a horrible daughter.

It could go the other way. My kids mostly text on my birthday and they usually call. I don't make a story out of it. Maybe they get busy, so what? I like that they remember to call or text but I don't base the whole of our relationship on whether or not they do that.

What I am saying is that your mother feels things her way and then interprets what people say or do in context of her feelings. Of course you "hear" her voice because that is how she talks to you. Her birthday has passed. Personally, I would not send an apology in writing- that confirms her thinking. A card or flowers "Happy birthday" is fine.

[Dominos]

My two cents are that it’s too soon to have contact with her on her birthday. I think it’s nice that you sent the text and you can leave it at that. You can even poll other friends to ask what they do for their moms on their birthday. I’m sure there’s plenty who may say that they send a HBD text.

You’re not repeating your mom’s behavior by giving yourself some time and space away from her. You’re slowly going to teach her that when she acts out with those BPD behaviors that you’re no longer going to tolerate it and you’re going to step away. That’s ok and healthy. I think giving yourself some space will be healthy and healing for you. Yes you’ll feel some guilt, but it sounds much better to feel some guilt than stay in a manipulative relationship.

It sounds like you’re doing all the right things and moving in the right direction. Maybe you pick up the visits with your psychiatrist while you are in this new phase of putting some distance between you and your mom. The extra support might be nice especially if your dad isn’t giving that support. Or maybe you consider using college campus resources for additional support.

I’m proud of you for stepping away and giving yourself some distance. Your future self is going to thank you.  This time of healing will allow you to find healthier relationship. It’s normal to feel grief too. It all does take time and give yourself a hug and be patient with yourself.