Information on Boundary Setting?

[SerenaJ]

Hi there 

I am wondering if anyone can advise on information / books that focus on the boundary setting aspect of having a relationship with someone with BPD (and narcissistic traits).  The person is lovely underneath all of this other stuff, but I am swamped.  I am not in a romantic relationship with them but they've been with me through some really tough times and I them, so I can't walk away. 

Everything I read out there or listen to talks about just 'dropping' the person and taking care of yourself only.  But if I do that I won't do well and neither will they.  I want to set boundaries, kindly, firmly, but I need information to support me with that as they know every trick in the book to 'keep on' at me.  It's almost like it's an addiction and it's worse at the moment because they've split with their partner, so I'm the main significant other. 

I sometimes get the feeling they want to upset me and won't rest until they have, or until they've drained me with hours on the phone.  (they don't deliberately say hurtful things, it's like an unconscious pattern)

I need to set boundaries but there's nothing out there to guide in this process and without that this person will just feel rejected and their behaviour gets way worse. 

They are not nasty, they are draining.  They can get nasty verbally when not coping but they never intend it and don't set out to do that.  They have good intentions.  I just want to set boundaries kindly and finding it very hard.

I appreciate your responses.  Thanks

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[SerenaJ]

I should make it clear I've known this person half my life and I am not at all afraid of them and this isn't a stalking or violence issue.  But it is controlling.  They are amenable to explanations though and I just need guidance.

[Turkish]

You can start with this high level article. See the READ MORE link at the bottom to a Workshop discussion:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries

This also might help with a link to SET at the end:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict

[SerenaJ]

Thankyou Turkish, I'll read :-)

[SerenaJ]

One of the problems is they know my weaknesses.  I have ptsd, I am afraid of anything bad happening to those I care about due to a past trauma. 

They are laying on guilt if I can't be with them or be available when they want it.  They imply that their health is affected by being so stressed.  I then worry about that.  they say I am always avoiding seeing them.  At the moment I am, because they are so stressed about their life and overwhelm, but they won't allow me to help them (unless I become a superhuman robot and solve everything all at once and I can't due to my own health).

I sometimes wish I was a psychopath (not really) and didn't care.  I know other people who don't seem to care (if they did this person would have more support, they know everything is being left to me and carry on regardless, I've known this person longest, I care I suppose)

[Pook075]

Everything I read out there or listen to talks about just 'dropping' the person and taking care of yourself only.  But if I do that I won't do well and neither will they. 

Hey Serena!

What you posted above bothered me a bit at first because that second sentence "But if I do that I won't do well and neither will they" ties your ability to be happy on the other person making you happy.  That's why the general advice is to focus on yourself first, because it's essential for you to stand on your own two feet and be happy in your own skin.  Anything else gives that other person way too much power/control over you and it's simply not fair.

However, that doesn't mean you have to "drop that person" forever though.  It simply means that if they have mental health challenges, the relationship by default is going to be more complicated at times and you'll get burnt out...especially if you're not doing well with mental health.  So if you need them to be happy, but they bring you down to the point where you're rarely happy, that's a super unhealthy dynamic for both of you.

Boundaries are thinking/saying, "Woah, this isn't healthy for me and I'm taking a step back."  That's not to punish the other person or anything like that...the boundaries are for your own mental wellbeing when things get too intense.  So you draw a line in the sand and say this stuff is okay, but that stuff is going too far.  The out of bounds stuff hurts me and I'm not going to do that anymore with you.  So when you insist on crossing that line, I'm going to <whatever your solution is> for my own wellbeing.

The point with boundaries is that you come first and you get to say what's right or wrong for you.  The other person can choose to respect that or ignore it.  But if they don't respond appropriately, what do you do?  That's where the actual boundary comes in to de-escalate the situation and keep you from getting hurt.

Make sense?

[SerenaJ]

Hey Serena!

What you posted above bothered me a bit at first because that second sentence "But if I do that I won't do well and neither will they" ties your ability to be happy on the other person making you happy.  That's why the general advice is to focus on yourself first, because it's essential for you to stand on your own two feet and be happy in your own skin.  Anything else gives that other person way too much power/control over you and it's simply not fair.

Thanks for your reply Pook075, but I'm afraid this is wrong.  I get that this is the case with many people, but really, there must be a lot of selfish people out there then.  I can be very happy without this person AS LONG AS THEY ARE HAPPY and they are not (and it's that fact that I'm not ok with or will not be ok with). 

I am beginning to think the world is forgetting what love is.  It means you want someone else to be happy and not destroy themselves and you are willing to let go of them as long as they are happy.  This person will not be and that is the problem.

[SerenaJ]

And that is why boundary setting is so hard.  The only problem I have is worrying that they will be ok if I set boundaries, they usually are not, they become depressed when I need space.  They also 'forget' to make medical appointments etc, and generally don't look after themselves. 

If I have any fault at all it's just that I have ptsd and I don't want to lose another loved one.  But they know this and at times I think they are playing on it to get what they want.  But what they want is me available whenever they choose and that's not possible.

For me to set boundaries I have to face the fear that something could happen to them during that time or that they could be really miserable.  I have to face that fear and do it anyway. 

But I'd rather do it in a way that assists them than leaves them in a bad state.

[SerenaJ]

Boundaries are thinking/saying, "Woah, this isn't healthy for me and I'm taking a step back."  That's not to punish the other person or anything like that...the boundaries are for your own mental wellbeing when things get too intense.  So you draw a line in the sand and say this stuff is okay, but that stuff is going too far.  The out of bounds stuff hurts me and I'm not going to do that anymore with you.  So when you insist on crossing that line, I'm going to <whatever your solution is> for my own wellbeing.

Yes understand this, thanks, I have told them this in terms of their health, because I am worried sick most of the time.  I've told them I've given them my advice but now I have to stop worrying and I will. 

But again it's just how can I assist them so that my boundary setting actually helps them (and they can generalise it to other friendships too and not swamp others) rather than hurts them (which then hurts me too).

Thanks for your thoughts on all of this. 

[SerenaJ]

I thought I sent a smiley face, a hug a bit intense in this context  

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How is this going?

[subwaytune]

Thank you for speaking your truth.

I am in a similar situation, but I am a bit of a people pleaser and conflict avoidant. I cannot take a step back without feeling guilty and I ended up self isolating. I'm now fighting back to regain my sense of self.

Everyone  says to take care of yourself first, but I understand you. The guilt of doing something for yourself while your friend is struggling is real, whether logical or not.

I am also looking for answers...