living together before divorce goes through

[eightdays]

I am planning to divorce my uBPDw and I am expecting we will have to live in the same house for a while.   I am very concerned about how this will work, and would like to prepare as best I can.  The house is my separate property acquired before marriage and there are no kids.  She may very well not want to be here and leave, but I have given up trying to predict what she will do.     I am told by my attorney that if she is still here when the divorce goes through there will be a court order at that time directing her to leave but that it will be several months at minimum.  Any suggestions from people who have gone through this?

[EyesUp]

I cohab’d with my uBPDxw for almost 6 months, until she moved out.

It wasn’t easy, but I simply would not take the bait to fight or argue.  I kept a hidden recorder going 24/7, just in case.

It helped that she was out dating a lot and I was home with the kids.  In your situation, I’d consider discretely removing any important papers or personal keepsakes to ensure they’re not damaged somehow missing later…

You might also consider if you can agree on personal zones and shared zones - kitchen, bathroom - to minimize contact.

Another thing that helped was keeping some routine:  I continued to make the morning coffee and have the kids bring it to her.

See if you can agree to have all communication about the D go through your attys?

Whatever you do, don’t get baited into a fight - that can only end badly, and it’s usually not in the man’s favor…

[ForeverDad]

There are no kids so custody and parenting are not issues.  Be aware her moods will continue to be predictably unpredictable.  There may be times she wants intimacy, as unlikely as it sounds right now, so ensure babies aren't a risk.  Children, especially infants or toddlers, vastly complicate divorces.

Some state require a cooling off period where you must take some months to try to reconcile first.  However, you know when it isn't working and putting a pretty face on a dysfunctional marriage doesn't make it succeed.  It would take hard work on the art of both spouses.  While some pwBPD do improve with meaningful therapy over time, many or most do not since Denial and Blame Shifting are so difficult to address.

[Pook075]

Some state require a cooling off period where you must take some months to try to reconcile first. 

I'm not sure if that's true in all states- in some, you can get a divorce very fast.  In my state, it's a year of living apart...even one night together resets that clock.  So it's essential for you to find out your state's laws as quickly as possible.  Cohabitation could be a legal problem- maybe not though, if you already have an attorney and are receiving advice.

You've received some good advice on how living together but separate would look so I won't go there.  I will echo though that arguing won't accomplish anything and only make this process 100x more difficult.  If it goes there, retreat to another part of the house and allow things to cool down.

[PeteWitsend]

I agree with the advice on moving things out (papers, confidential info, anything personal of value (i.e. nothing JOINTLY owned), or that she might steal or destroy out of spite. Get a storage unit nearby for a couple months, and try to have any mailings sent elsewhere if possible or to your office. 

Recording things at all times is a must. 

Be prepared to leave in a hurry if she tries to escalate the situation.  Pack an overnight bag & leave it in your car, and add the non-emergency local police number to your phone. 

In my state I recently got some legal advice on this very topic... you can't just throw someone out of the house that they legally reside in without an eviction order or a protection order barring them from the premises (have to prove they're a violent threat though), and family law courts aren't the venue for either, but the you can agree to have her move out in mediation, and the family court can enforce that.  hopefully you can get her out before the divorce is final.

[ChooseHappiness]

I am living with my uBPDw while going through a divorce right now, and it is ugly. In my case, it went from trying to be collaborative to extremely hostile pretty much overnight, all driven by her. Everything has to go through the lawyers now because of her rage, and her moments of disassociation and splitting have skyrocketed. I basically avoid her wherever I can in the home, but that doesn't stop the angry texts, etc. So be prepared for her to turn into your worst enemy ever. (Great if she doesn't, but no harm in mental preparation.)

I agree with recording every conversation. You don't know what she may be capable of, so it's best to be safe.

Make sure you think carefully beforehand about how you will respond to provocations calmly, how you will de-escalate your own emotions, and how you will calm yourself after the inevitable confrontations. Always remember that she may be trying to provoke you into some action, so you need to keep a level head at all times.

Sounds like a difficult situation. Hope it turns out okay for you.

[eightdays]

Thanks guys I am reading all these and I'm taking notes.   There is a 6 month wait where I live, and we do not have to be separate.   I will move some valuables to a safe place away from here.   I was advised not to stay away from the house for any period more than a few days as she could claim I moved out.   I have no interest in making any close connections and feel confident I will not get drawn into a fight.   I am hoping it will just be awkward for a while and I will ride it out.   I do have a recorder, as well as extensive recorded surveillance for common areas.

[ForeverDad]

I did record during the final months of my marriage, before it imploded.  And afterward too, it turned out to be a two year divorce and years of parenting ahead.

Eventually I found a polite and strategic way to describe why I recorded.  "I needed to document I wasn't the one aggressive, threatening or abusive.  And if my spouse happened to be the one aggressive, threatening or abusive, well, that wasn't on me."

[EyesUp]

@FD, a variation I’ve heard recommended is: “I was recording myself to document to myself that I don’t yell, shout, scream, or initiate conflict.”  The fact that other people are occasionally recorded is incidental.

It’s been noted that even in 2-party states, it seems impossible to find a case where someone was penalized for recording.

What happens is:  the recording helps establish who is credible and who is not, without being entered as evidence.

Of course, in a 1-party state, it’s also evidence.

Recording may be the only way that a person can demonstrate that certain accusations (eg a false DV complaint) are, in fact, false.

[ForeverDad]

@FD, a variation I’ve heard recommended is: “I was recording myself to document to myself that I don’t yell, shout, scream, or initiate conflict.”  The fact that other people are occasionally recorded is incidental.

It’s been noted that even in 2-party states, it seems impossible to find a case where someone was penalized for recording.

What happens is:  the recording helps establish who is credible and who is not, without being entered as evidence.

Of course, in a 1-party state, it’s also evidence.

Recording may be the only way that a person can demonstrate that certain accusations (eg a false DV complaint) are, in fact, false.

It seems for most of us the recordings aren't used directly in family court.  CPS did listen to a couple of my recordings but the cases were either closed or that time I did demand and got an "unsubstantiated" letter.  Never a less passive "unfounded" outcome, though once my court did state her testimony was "not credible".  Wimps.

It was largely a type of insurance so I could sleep at night without catastrophizing whether the police would come banging on my door in the middle of the night.

[Turkish]

One of our former mods recorded himself when his stbxw showed up to be aggro, despite the TRO against her (then she got her own TRO). They exchanged a tween daughter.

I lived with my ex through a summer into fall when we called it done. She had her boy-toy and was phoning mothethood  like a teen mom. From my view, she regressed from a 31yo woman to acting like a 16yo girl.

She asked to live there for 3 more months until she could save to move out. I avoided her as much as possible, but on the advice of my T, "there's nothing wrong with being kind." I used the bettering board communication tools.  I hired a Lawyer and negotiated a custody and CS stipulation that wasn't signed until 3 months after she left. The house was in my name and we weren't married which made it easier.

My mindset was Spock: be logical. And play the long game (my freedom). Even growing with with a mother with BPD, those few months were the hardest in my life, but I got through them.

[eightdays]

From my view, she regressed from a 31yo woman to acting like a 16yo girl.

She asked to live there for 3 more months until she could save to move out. I avoided her as much as possible, but on the advice of my T, "there's nothing wrong with being kind." I used the bettering board communication tools.  I hired a Lawyer and negotiated a custody and CS stipulation that wasn't signed until 3 months after she left. The house was in my name and we weren't married which made it easier.

My mindset was Spock: be logical. And play the long game (my freedom). Even growing with with a mother with BPD, those few months were the hardest in my life, but I got through them.

This is helpful, to think of the long game.   I am anticipating regression and splitting.   I know she can't help it and so I am kind to her, though I have been disengaging her when she is in that state without explaining myself.  I may try to modify that a bit during this period and go back to validating, which is how I used to try to handle this.   She makes a very good living but I believe she's got no money saved.   We are going to make a substantial financial offer that would cover moving costs and a lot more.  I am hoping she will decide it is in her best interest to accept.

[eightdays]

I was just re-reading Forverdad's comment about catastrophizing and I am typically not one to do that but last week I realized I am totally doing that.   I am worried about legal stuff and police.  I noticed when I expressed some of these emotions with my support people and therapist they didn't know what to make of it and it may have seemed like something wasn't quite right with me.   I think my anxiety about what is about to happen is so overwhelming it is leaking into my thinking and making me 'catastrophize' scenarios that aren't realistic.     Have you guys noticed that this is part of what happens to people trying to separate from pwBPD?    Feeling a bit better now than a week ago, but this is a sucky effect.   

[PeteWitsend]

I was just re-reading Forverdad's comment about catastrophizing and I am typically not one to do that but last week I realized I am totally doing that.   I am worried about legal stuff and police.  I noticed when I expressed some of these emotions with my support people and therapist they didn't know what to make of it and it may have seemed like something wasn't quite right with me.   I think my anxiety about what is about to happen is so overwhelming it is leaking into my thinking and making me 'catastrophize' scenarios that aren't realistic.     Have you guys noticed that this is part of what happens to people trying to separate from pwBPD?    Feeling a bit better now than a week ago, but this is a sucky effect.   

People that haven't been on the receiving end of a Borderline's behavior, or lived through the hell of having a pwBPD significant other or family member just can't appreciate how volatile of a situation it can be.  And their well-meaning advice - if followed - can play right into the hands of a pwBPD and make things worse. 

That being said, it can be a useful check sometimes to hear what other people think, and consider whether you're being too paranoid about the situation.

As awful as pwBPD can be, they're not superhuman... they can't read your mind, and for all their manipulative behavior, they're usually pretty bad at follow through. 

Also the fact that other people tend to dismiss our concerns about the pwBPD goes both ways; they also tend to dismiss the pwBPD's extreme allegations about us, so they can be a moderating influence.

In your immediate case, has she done anything to make you more concerned lately, or are things just progressing uncomfortably along for now? 

[eightdays]

Things are just normally bad, and I'm waiting on the process to play out.   Gives new meaning to 'the waiting is the hardest part'.

[KayakerDude]

Thanks guys I am reading all these and I'm taking notes.   There is a 6 month wait where I live, and we do not have to be separate.   I will move some valuables to a safe place away from here.   I was advised not to stay away from the house for any period more than a few days as she could claim I moved out.   I have no interest in making any close connections and feel confident I will not get drawn into a fight.   I am hoping it will just be awkward for a while and I will ride it out.   I do have a recorder, as well as extensive recorded surveillance for common areas.

Just earlier today I ordered a $45 biometric door lock for my bedroom door so my uBPD wife whom I am separating from cannot get into my room. Might be a good idea to creat some 'safe space' for yourself.