Trying to get out of the relationship

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

This is so hard. Reading the walking on eggshells made so much sense and there were so many times I was saying yes. Yes, that too. I know I have to end it, but it is so painful. You're always hoping you get back to that wonderful loving person, but you see them less and less. We have been together for 2yrs. Most of it tumultuous. Every time that he gets angry he says the most hurtful things he can possibly think of. My husband killed himself a little over 2 yrs ago. I got into a relationship with him because I was avoiding the pain of that, and he showered me with love and affection that felt wonderful. He has thrown my husband's suicide in my face more times than I can remember. Told me it was my fault, and he understands why he did it. I saw him Wednesday night. I took some food to him and we had a pleasant time. Then thursday night he called me when I got home and demanded that I tell him the truth basically accusing me of seeing someone else, even though the night before I had told him I was no where near ready for another relationship. He just uglier and uglier until I hung up and put my phone on do not disturb. I woke up the next morning to pages of ugly txt messages. Friday I told him it needed to end. That I couldn't do it anymore. He's since been telling me what a horrible person I am, calling me every name in the book. So much so that it starts to make me question myself. Is he right? Am I a bad person? Is it all my fault and if I could have been better, been happy? I haven't blocked him because he still has a lot of things that he needs to move out of my house. I miss the loving person so much. I'm trying to accept that he's gone. Plus he insinuates that he's going to kill himself since I'm "taking away the only good thing in his life that gives him meaning". I'm really afraid that he might. I feel so lost.

[CrazytownSA]

This is so hard. Reading the walking on eggshells made so much sense and there were so many times I was saying yes. Yes, that too. I know I have to end it, but it is so painful. You're always hoping you get back to that wonderful loving person, but you see them less and less. We have been together for 2yrs. Most of it tumultuous. Every time that he gets angry he says the most hurtful things he can possibly think of. My husband killed himself a little over 2 yrs ago. I got into a relationship with him because I was avoiding the pain of that, and he showered me with love and affection that felt wonderful. He has thrown my husband's suicide in my face more times than I can remember. Told me it was my fault, and he understands why he did it. I saw him Wednesday night. I took some food to him and we had a pleasant time. Then thursday night he called me when I got home and demanded that I tell him the truth basically accusing me of seeing someone else, even though the night before I had told him I was no where near ready for another relationship. He just uglier and uglier until I hung up and put my phone on do not disturb. I woke up the next morning to pages of ugly txt messages. Friday I told him it needed to end. That I couldn't do it anymore. He's since been telling me what a horrible person I am, calling me every name in the book. So much so that it starts to make me question myself. Is he right? Am I a bad person? Is it all my fault and if I could have been better, been happy? I haven't blocked him because he still has a lot of things that he needs to move out of my house. I miss the loving person so much. I'm trying to accept that he's gone. Plus he insinuates that he's going to kill himself since I'm "taking away the only good thing in his life that gives him meaning". I'm really afraid that he might. I feel so lost.

[ThanksForPlaying]

It is so hard. Sorry you're stuck in this situation right now. Welcome to the board. You'll find some helpful friends and knowledge here.

Starting with the immediate issues - protect yourself first.

You haven't blocked him because he needs to move things out. BPDs can drag out the "move-out" process for years and use it as a manipulation tool. How can you get his stuff out of your house to your satisfaction with as little contact as possible? Do you need to hire movers? Have a friend deliver it to him? Do it quickly while you're in the right mindset - keep your momentum going.

Re-read your own post about the accusations and insults. You've done a good job laying out your story with some clarity. He's clearly wrong. You're not a bad person. Using someone's vulnerabilities in a fight is a BPD behavior. All relationships have disagreements and fights. Healthy relationships don't use "low-blows" when fighting. It's possible to find a partner who doesn't do that. You don't have to accept it.

Suicidal threats are also a manipulation tool. But as you know, they can sometimes become all too real. So sorry you've had to go through that so recently. Try not to let the freshness of those memories cloud your judgement here. Remember that the vast majority of threats don't end in suicide. They are most often used to manipulate. It's not your responsibility to prevent everyone from having suicidal thoughts. They can take responsibility for their own feelings.

You seem to have a clear head at the moment and good awareness of the situation. You're on the right track. Don't second-guess yourself. Keep that momentum going. Hang in there.

[Kashi]

This is all very new for you and very complex.

It will take you a while to work through it. 

You are dealing with the BPD mental textbook.  If you read the forums, you will see their illness has traits (symptoms) as much as they like to tell you they are individuals.

Some of what happens is the exact same words spoken.

It's uncanny.

Your BPD ex has looked in his bag of tricks and thought hmmm here's a weakness I can manipulate.    Oh look here is some gaslighting and massive guilt trips.  To top it off I think might destroy her self-esteem.

Read this you aren't the only one.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=357971.0

[CrazytownSA]

These responses help me soooo much!! I really needed to hear them. He exploits every vulnerability he can come up with. I am going to take my counselors advice and move his things into storage and give him the key. I have to keep moving forward. Thank you for help give me the motivation to keep going. I am going to do this. I am going to do this.

[yellowbutterfly]

I applaud you for taking the step of moving his stuff to storage.

Have you considered no contact (NC) immediately after?

[CrazytownSA]

Yes, I am wanting to go NC after moving his stuff. Especially after the torrent of acid he txt today. He hopes I never find happiness, hopes I die alone, asking if I named the baby I aborted when I was 16, called me selfish arrogant pig B!tch. Told me I'm damned and he will ensure it stays that way. He took it to a whole new level of poison today. That his new life purpose is to show me the hell I deserve. He's really gone off the deep end of bat sh!t crazy. This is the consequence of giving him total rejection of not txting or answering his calls and telling him the relationship is over and I'm done.  This is really bad.

[yellowbutterfly]

Stay strong!

My xH uBPD would call me a fat pig. What is it with the BPD and their vitriol. Disgusting

You are none of those things so do not let his words get to you. Start doing affirmations!

[CrazytownSA]

So I told him that I just didn't want to be in this relationship anymore, that is was just going to work. That we would just keep going around in the same circle. He professed how much he loved me and that he knew he could do better. The thing is, after reading everything, and understanding more. Knowing what I know now, I don't think that he is capable of changing. He'll be nice...until he isn't. I'm soo tired of it. I really just want it to end, but by the same token I have sympathy for him. I understand he has a legitimate mental illness. I finally understand for the most part how to deescalate the situation so it doesn't turn total rage, but I don't want to do this for the rest of my life. Right now he's being nice because I'm not refusing to talk to him. I know once I hold my ground of not wanting a relationship with him, he will go back to rage and possibly dangerous.  I really just want to be free and move on with my life. I don't know how to extract myself as gently as possibly.