Repeat emergency orders, yay... like, a LOT

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I am trying to look forward to the future and find solutions without going bankrupt or losing my mind.

Ex-wife hasn't been compromising for 5 years. After years of shared custody, there's now evidence of a long-standing path of destruction and non-compliance to the divorce settlement where it comes to parenting (we basically parallel parent, and even that is now defunct). I know this comes with splitting, and the all-or-nothing.

But it started with other non-parenting things in the settlement agreement. I made the mistake of stating that I was going to get some legal advice for that small stuff. It's the only way to get my ex-wife to interpret orders correctly. Basically, to enforce.

Before that could happen, her first two emergency orders came, back to back, and suddenly I needed an attorney again to get back to 50/50 custody.

Then as I was fighting for those, she gives us deadlines and attitude, and eventually files another two emergency orders. Those weren't emergencies at all. They were for basic parenting things that previously were no problem out of court and cost nothing to agree to previously. But with her emergency orders in effect, apparently everything is now an emergency and now basic things cost tons of attorney and court fees.

Here's my beef, and it's not just about her. How can the system be abused so easily for so long? It all gets rubber stamped. Slap on the wrist. Like, 4 times now. What happened to three strikes and you're out? I know, it's a very slow process. That's probably why I am having to practice extreme patience. The kids' safety has literally been an issue and they get neglected, which has been the more urgent thing I've been trying to address for them. Nobody is of much help on those things (the actually important things, the kids' basic safety and well-being).

Anyway, given the escalation, there is literally no compromising and I wonder where this goes years from now, because others here have more experience. Outside of orders, her communications are literally "You will agree to this or not, there are no conditions and no room to negotiate, and if you don't agree with me 100% I am going to file another emergency order."

I think some of this will all stop, once the judge finally catches on and actually does something. But what can help provide relief and prevent this from just looping? It's taking forever to go on any semblance of offense, it's all defense and costly, with very few consequences so far.

[AlmostRyan]

I am trying to look forward to the future and find solutions without going bankrupt or losing my mind.

Ex-wife hasn't been compromising for 5 years. After years of shared custody, there's now evidence of a long-standing path of destruction and non-compliance to the divorce settlement where it comes to parenting (we basically parallel parent, and even that is now defunct). I know this comes with splitting, and the all-or-nothing.

But it started with other non-parenting things in the settlement agreement. I made the mistake of stating that I was going to get some legal advice for that small stuff. It's the only way to get my ex-wife to interpret orders correctly. Basically, to enforce.

Before that could happen, her first two emergency orders came, back to back, and suddenly I needed an attorney again to get back to 50/50 custody.

Then as I was fighting for those, she gives us deadlines and attitude, and eventually files another two emergency orders. Those weren't emergencies at all. They were for basic parenting things that previously were no problem out of court and cost nothing to agree to previously. But with her emergency orders in effect, apparently everything is now an emergency and now basic things cost tons of attorney and court fees.

Here's my beef, and it's not just about her. How can the system be abused so easily for so long? It all gets rubber stamped. Slap on the wrist. Like, 4 times now. What happened to three strikes and you're out? I know, it's a very slow process. That's probably why I am having to practice extreme patience. The kids' safety has literally been an issue and they get neglected, which has been the more urgent thing I've been trying to address for them. Nobody is of much help on those things (the actually important things, the kids' basic safety and well-being).

Anyway, given the escalation, there is literally no compromising and I wonder where this goes years from now, because others here have more experience. Outside of orders, her communications are literally "You will agree to this or not, there are no conditions and no room to negotiate, and if you don't agree with me 100% I am going to file another emergency order."

I think some of this will all stop, once the judge finally catches on and actually does something. But what can help provide relief and prevent this from just looping? It's taking forever to go on any semblance of offense, it's all defense and costly, with very few consequences so far.

[ForeverDad]

I faced numerous allegations, each one a bit more serious than the prior.  It seemed CPS looked at each one and closed them without any documentation given to me.  One where I was questioned - and my kid in kindergarten was interviewed at school - I asked for a written report.  The report said "unsubstantiated".  That was quite wimpy, but to be expected.  "Unfounded" apparently is rare, I guess because they seldom declare a person innocent.  Back then I used to have a jaded joke, that on the 101st allegation they might find something on me.  My point being that they declined to give consequences to my ex.  Here's what happened later when I decided it was  time to file for a Change of Circumstances and sought full custody (which I got) and majority time (which I didn't get until a couple years later after more disparagement).

It is important you always, always behave well.  Imagine as though you have the court and all its professionals looking over your shoulder 24/7/365.  Well, not quite that bad, but you get the idea, you can't lose your cool, never rage nor rant nor raise your voice.  You certainly can be firm but not nasty.  Be very cautious that she can't claim you've been threatening.  Honestly, she'll claim it anyway but it would be either unsubstantiated or taken way out of context.

Likely, at least at first, the agencies will respond out of an overabundance of caution and investigate her rants.  My ex made so many allegations I never did know the full count.  It's as though maybe just maybe on the 101st allegation there might be something there.  Eventually they'll hear her out and then move on.

In my case, I had started a Change of Circumstances case after my final decree.  Ex's antics had continued and I saw a need to change the final decree, seeking full legal custody.  We had concluded our two year divorce a couple years earlier.  In the decision, some of her testimony was "not credible", courtspeak for liar.  (That was probably when she tried to describe Jewish Kwanzaa as a basis to obstruct a planned vacation I had one December.  My lawyer had a field day with that one.)  One brief paragraph in the decision noted, I guess in full disclosure, that she claimed I had choked her several years before.  Court did not comment on it.  They didn't even ask me to defend myself against the allegation.  I was granted to proceed.

[ForeverDad]

To continue my prior response, I came out of my divorce with a decent order.  But my ex still played games with me, disparagement, finding ways to obstruct my parenting (such as using a holiday we'd never before observed to block my vacation which was what triggered my filing for Change of Circumstances), etc.

Essentially, I tried to live with a decent order but her continuing conflict moved me from a defense posture to an offense one.  So I went back to court and filed to change what would have been a long term order for the next decade.  You may recall that it is said no competitive team ever won a game playing only defense, right?

So... knowing that your ex will not change her aggressive approach since she seems comfortable making regular allegations since it works for her and using (abusing) the court system to her advantage, is it time for you to return to court, not just to file Contempt of Court (even if you try they can seem to stack up like parking tickets) but file to change and improve the court order?

[AlmostRyan]

Yes, I've been trying to flip to offense for awhile, because what you say is (unfortunately) the case (pardon the pun) in court where it's a silly fight with no real winners, just kids caught in her crossfire and under her spell. So I stay as positive as I can and try to be there for the kids when I have access. It's just that I have a low tolerance now for playing defense on the family case, but we've now finally got some sanctions/fees requests filed.

There are some change of circumstances that are months overdue, because we've been playing so much defense, and it almost feels like that change window is closing with age. But with her aggression, I have to think some new window will open eventually. I guess we'll see, but thank you for your example. Sorry to hear about your 101 allegations! Relatedly, I nearly had some allegations result in a separate front, but the good news finally on that the other day is that the case on that should close out. So I feel like we might be on the right track, even though I really need (yet another) break from the roller coaster this week. One good thing that comes from experience: listening to your body and knowing when it's telling you to rest, probably because upstairs it is emotionally depleted. I think some four wheeling is in order, maybe a movie, for the spirit.