Happy Mother's Day Reminder.

[Notwendy]

Reminder of my own falling short of expectations...

It's Mother's Day.

I sent my BPD mother flowers. They arrived a few days ago. She didn't call, so eventually I called her to be sure she actually received them. She said yes she did but she decided she'd call on Mother's Day instead.

If my mother wants something, she calls me right away- several times if I don't pick up right away. So she receives flowers and decides to just wait to call me days later.

I was planning to call her today but she called me first. I said "Happy Mother's Day". Did you like the flowers? She told me they were pretty. Then the indirect request which doesn't exactly say what she wants "is there anyone else I should call? " I mentioned that sibling has been trying to call her. But that really wasn't what she wanted to hear. "Oh yes but..... I wish I could hear from my grandchildren".

And there it was- on me, her sadness, my guilt. My kids should call their grandmother on Mother's Day and they didn't.

She calls me also because she thinks my kids might be with me on Mother's Day but they aren't. I told her that, so that hopefully reassured her that we aren't all together and not calling her. Usually if we are, I have them call and pass the phone to them. They don't like it because when she gets them on the phone, she asks personal questions and they feel uncomfortable. Questions like "are you seeing anyone, who is it -tell me all about it. Tell me about your job. I get that she's interested but interactions with her feel like she's digging at them for information. These aren't unusual questions but it seems she goes over boundaries with asking for details and something about it feels uncomfortable to them.

My kids don't want to call her. One of them doesn't want to talk to her at all. I didn't decide this. The kids are adults and they make their own decisions about her. I could call them up and ask them to call and it would be the same pattern- rolling down the generations. BPD mother calls me because she wants attention from my kids so she can feel better. That gets passed on to me- now I am sad and guilty because my kids didn't call my mother and I'm not being a good daughter. If I called my kids and asked them to call her so I can feel I am being a good daughter and making my mother happy- so they call out of obligation even though it's uncomfortable- I am doing the same with them that my mother is doing with me- making my feelings, and my mother's feelings dependent on them calling her.

But no- not going to call them to do that. My kids are adults. They decide who they want to call and they are not responsible for my feelings or my mother's. And I will be responsible for my own feelings about not fulfilling my mother's wishes on Mother's Day.

[zachira]

Much respect for the healthy boundaries you are modeling with your mother and children on Mother's Day. So many of us are guilted into communicating with disordered family members.

[Notwendy]

Thanks, getting my kids on the phone with her, it's like a Trojan Horse. It looks so innocent and reasonable that one can't refuse without feeling like a cruel monster. Poor grandma only wants to hear from the grandkids. But it's not enough. The minute she gets them on the phone she starts interrogating them- mining for information. Then comes another "innocent" request- and another until they feel cornered. I can see their discomfort.

If we call as a group, one of them gets up and leaves the room and doesn't want to talk to her at all. She has their cell phone numbers. I used to not give them to her when they were younger but she just called other family members to get them. It's up to them if they want to pick up the phone or text back.

[Notwendy]

To keep the kids from getting cornered, we have called as a group on speaker phone. She doesn't like that. She wants to be one on one alone.

My boundary is to not ever leave my kids alone with my mother.

They can choose to speak to her or not but I won't put them in that situation.

[zachira]

Your children like you are chosen targets of your mother for her to use as a release for her overwhelming feelings. My hat is off to you on teaching your children healthy boundaries and letting them as adults decide how to interact with their grandmother. Great parents know that they have to completely protect their children when they are too young to protect themselves while letting the children take more responsibility for their interactions with others as they become mature enough to do so. I admire how you have on your own become the kind of mother to your children that every child deserves .How did you do this? I ask because I have worked with parents for many years and so much want to be helpful yet not intrusive in helping parents with their children.

[Notwendy]

12 step co-dependency groups and counseling helped me to work on boundaries. How I would act as a mother to my children was formed in childhood actually. I didn't know how to be a mother of course but even as a child, I knew I wanted to be a mother some day and that, I would no ever allow my mother to do what she did to my own kids. Even though I felt I couldn't have boundaries with her when it came to myself- no way would I allow that for my kids.

BPD didn't like that and made the case that I was "keeping her from her grandkids" but even without doing anything, my and in supervised visits- my kids were not comfortable around her.

As young children, it wasn't as much of an issue as they had to have adults watch them. My BPD mother isn't interested in child care so she didn't object to someone else minding the kids. Also she visited with my father. There was a different quality in their interactions. Dad would play with them. BPD mother would mostly observe.

It was when they became young teens and didn't need child care that she started trying to get them alone with her. She wasn't going to physically abuse them. She was going to "tell them things" and triangulate them and enlist them as her emotional caretakers. And I have no idea what she'd tell them but from the things she said to me at that age- there is no way I'd let her do that.

The kids are visibly uncomfortable around her and have asked me to not leave them alone with her.

[zachira]

You were determined to be the kind of mother your children deserved and you did the work you needed to do so you would not be like your mother at all. Many parents struggle with giving their children more freedom to make their own choices and mistakes as they mature. You adapted the boundaries with your children as they became more capable of seeing your mother for who she is and as the children grew older.

[Notwendy]

Thanks, I think working on co-dependency really helped with reinforcing my kids' boundaries. It's hard to explain - but even if my mother isn't doing or saying something completely out of the ordinary- there's a quality to interactions with her. It feels creepy.

I think we are all capable of sensing when someone isn't an emotionally safe person. My kids were not comfortable around her. They were comfortable with my father. This was before I ever said anything to them about her or BPD.

I think teens these days are very aware of mental illness and have seen references to BPD. Once they were old enough to understand mental illness, I told them. I think this is better than in my family when we pretended she was "normal". If that were true, then her behavior was deliberate and so must be personal to the person she's behaving that way to- whose fault is it. She is still accountable for her behavior- but it's not the other person's fault. My kids don't hate her, they just don't want to have a lot of interaction with her.