How can I stop feeling triggered by my BPD mother?

[livinnlearnin]

As I grow more aware of her behavior, I find myself increasingly angry, irritable and easily triggered. I try to ward it off as much as possible but unfortunate many of her actions, words and bursts of aggressiveness still often get to me. 
How can I steel myself more effectively?

[Pook075]

For me, it was accepting the truth that the BPD is sick and much of what's going on is not their fault.  They feel intensely, so I have to be more aware of how my words and actions will be perceived.  I also have to choose to be loving and validating, which helps them be stable.  Finally, I have to remember my personal boundaries when things get too intense.  Sometimes the best action is to remain silent or to walk away for awhile.

I do these things because when the BPD's become hostile in my life, it hurts them and it hurts me.  It's better for everyone involved if I try to soothe away that dysfunction...since I am the sane one in those relationships.  Even when I can't do that though, I can forgive and move on instead of letting their chaos continue to linger within my heart.

[livednlearned]

I think it's hardest when it's a parent.

I have disordered family members, married and divorced a man who was disordered, and now have a stepdaughter who is disordered.

Parents are the hardest. They had a job to do and instead of creating (at a minimum) a safe environment, they reversed the natural order by making their children the caretakers. I think the fury you feel is appropriate, especially because you don't get those years back and what was denied to you is so precious.

Sometimes it seems like my whole family's purpose was to make sure my mother didn't have to become an adult.

I accept that I'll never have a close relationship with her. She doesn't have the capacity for genuine intimacy and closeness. Her version of closeness literally makes me feel sick.

How you manage these feelings probably has a lot to do with what kind of relationship you want, or how much you prioritize your own healing versus her needs. I think a lot of us walk a fine line between trying to maintain some kind of relationship while giving ourselves the kind of love we didn't get as kids.  

Roughly 10 years ago I took a time out and really focused on healing and creating a sense of emotional safety for myself. Eventually we were able to have a relationship but it's a very, very careful one where I'm in an almost near-constant state of vigilance about whether it's safe to advance or retreat.

One of my triggers is that my mother makes things up about people. She'll tell a story about me, in front of me, with facts she pulls out of thin air, and by no accident the story is harmful to the person she's talking about, whether it's me or someone I love.

She did this recently. She told a family friend that my husband, a physician, euthanized a patient in the hospital where he worked so they fired him.

This is a challenging trigger because, as I learned in therapy, she does this in part to hook people. Getting upset at her works like a payout. If my distress is high enough, she can get my father to protect her and then she's in heaven. If she feels ignored by me or mad at me for something she's unable or unwilling to express directly, it's only a matter of time before this cycle plays out.

That's the one trigger I struggle with most. I've had to learn how to manage different triggers in different ways. Lately I've been learning to close my eyes and visualize the dissipation of my anger into something calm. This seems to work best when I feel repulsed by her. I noticed there is sort of a scale of triggers and how I respond seems to depend on how strong the trigger is.

She is about to visit and I notice her latest is to say my son (22) supports a political candidate who is polar opposite to who he supports. The way I'm approaching that trigger is to say nothing in conversation with her. For someone who shows no interest in politics she seems to love this topic. The first time she did it my father reacted strongly (he shares S22's views). But in anticipation of how this kind of thing might wind S22 up, I've given him a heads up and broken down the dynamic for him.

For you, would it help to list the ways in which your mother triggers you? I did this with a therapist and it was helpful. We worked out solutions for each one that helped me neutralize the drama formula as much as possible. Sometimes changing one behavior makes the next behavior even harder to manage, and if the right supports aren't in place, it can feel overwhelming and maybe even impossible, when really it was just that the strategy and tactics were not as dialed in as needed.

What are some of the triggers you're finding difficult?

[Notwendy]

Hi livednlearned- A counselor helped me deal with this better. First, understand that these triggers are emotional and also something we have been feeling since we were children. It's not a wonder we feel this way. This counselor helped put a positive spin on this.

If someone "triggers" us- whose "trigger" is it really? We can not control someone else's feelings, only ours. So other people don't have the power to trigger our emotions- we do! It's our trigger! And if it's ours, we can work on changing it.

I understand feeling it's your mother who had the power. She did- we were kids, and she did have all the power. Now, we are adults. She doesn't get to have that power- it's yours and you don't have to let her have it.

When you feel triggered- that is your signal to know what you need to work on to not be as emotionally reactive. Sometimes it's just an old message about yourself that isn't true. Your mother saying it doesn't make it true. If someone called you a pink elephant with purple spots- would you feel triggered? I hope not because you are certain you are not one and if your mother says you are, that won't make you one.

But as kids we believed our mother. So when she'd tell us we were bad kids, or selfish kids, or how much we have hurt her or disappointed her- we felt sad, and scared and so- this became something that triggers us. As adults, we have to work on boundaries and one is- knowing what is true about us and what isn't. So when my BPD mother tells me her opinion about me, I substitute "pink elephant" for what she just said and it's less emotional.

Feeling triggered could be seen as an opportunity to reexamine all those false statements about yourself. So the next time it happens, take a moment- say wow this is something I get to work on decreasing my emotional response to and remove that false idea about yourself and replace it with a positive one.

If you made a mistake- you are not a bad person.
If your mother is upset - those are her feelings and you can't control her feelings.
If you really do something to hurt her feelings- you can apologize but it doesn't make you the insulting thing she said.

It takes work but it gets better. I recall the first time my mother said something that I would have reacted to and I didn't feel any emotions. It was amazing.

Do I ever get triggered- does what she says sometimes "get to me"- of course. I think we don't stop feeling altogether. But it's not as difficult to deal with or bounce back from.

Hope this helps!

[Notwendy]

I meant this to be a reply to livinnlearnin- you have similar names

[zachira]

You would like to stop feeling triggered by your BPD mother. I come from a family with many disordered members, both in my family of origin and large extended family. My mother with BPD is deceased. It can help to remind yourself that small changes are big changes, that just trying to put years of abuse behind you to never think about it anymore will likely make you feel more triggered not less. It is like the person who wants to lose weight and goes on a starvation diet. They cannot stop thinking about food.

What has worked best for me is to meditate every day and stretch as many parts of my body as I can to release stored up tension and traumatic memories. I find that the meditation helps me deal with feelings before they become too overwhelming and to release uncomfortable feelings.

Having a mother with BPD is a life long sorrow. We miss out on being genuinely loved and cared for by our mother while enduring ongoing abuse. It is so overwhelmingly painful to realize we can no longer stand being abused and being the target of our mother's overwhelming feelings. Take small steps each day to feel better and you will get better. There are many members on PSI who have been here for years and have gradually progressed to feeling better while still having to deal with the life long sorrow and ongoing trauma from having a mother with BPD. You are not alone. Keep us posted on how you are doing and let us know how we can help.