Roomie with possible bpd - I'm moving out but I think I'm her FP

[cheeseplease]

Hi! I'm new here and dealing with a friend/roommate with possible bpd

I've known this girl for about 5 years and had a very good friendship with her mostly. She's always leaned on me a little more than I on her, but I have been fine with that. A few years ago I noticed that she was starting to copy everything I do and put me on a kind of pedestal. But friends influence each other, right? And who doesn't want to be idolized?

Over the past year, things have taken a bit of a turn. We will be totally fine and enjoying time together but the next day I'll receive multiple loooong text messages (the record is 24 in a row!) about how hurt she is and how she's done pretending she's ok when she's not. Another common thread is her positing that I have become someone she doesn't even know anymore. These have left me completely baffled as I thought things were all good and groovy.

Feeling very hurt by this, I initially responded to such messages by defending myself and my actions. I hoped that explaining my perspective would help diffuse the situation. However, I have been getting these text messages (she never confronts me in person, only over text even though I asked that if she is feeling hurt by me, that she bring it up in person given that we are roommates), with increasing frequency. She never specifically can pinpoint what I've done to hurt her, but seems to think I have crossed some boundary she set (maybe I did unintentionally, but truthfully, I cannot think of what). For a bit I just ignored her recent messages, but this just seemed to make things worse.

After reading Walking on Eggshells, I believe she may have BPD or at least some BPD traits. Knowing this, has helped me understand her behavior, but doesn't help that my feelings have been repeatedly hurt over the past year.

I am planning on moving out before our lease ends (I'll still pay rent dw), but would like to remain friends or at least friendly, but I have no idea how to break the news that I am leaving to her without her blowing up at me again.

I feel like I am walking on eggshells and know I have to get myself out of this situation out of care for myself, but I don't just want to throw our good times together down the drain.

Can someone go from being a pwBPD's favorite person to being just casual friends?
How can I tell my friend that I'm moving out without making it seem like I want to end our friendship and without making it seem like it's her fault (even though it is)?

[kells76]

Hi cheeseplease and welcome to the group 

It's so tricky when we need to do something for ourselves and our values, and we have a sense that it just isn't going to go over well. As reasonably kind people, we don't want to increase pain or conflict if it's at all avoidable... such a tough needle to thread when BPD is involved.

One thing I have to keep reminding myself of is that BPD stands for Borderline Personality Disorder -- I cannot assume "oh, pwBPD basically think and process like me, except with a diagnosis". Thinking and relating patterns are disordered, not rational/functional/predictable. So sometimes we think, "If I just phrased it as ____________, I think she'd feel cared for", or "once I find out the technique for communication, it's guaranteed I can get through to her", or "based on how it seemed like she felt lately, I bet now is a good time for me to say __________". I'm just not sure it's that predictable -- we don't have that level of control over how anyone feels, really, and over how a pwBPD feels, specifically.

That's not to say "do and say whatever, there's nothing you can do". There are some structured approaches to communicating with a pwBPD that can be more effective than "intuitive" ways we communicate.

For example, in terms of feeling a need to make a statement of truth about yourself, the Support, Empathy, Truth framework can help.

In terms of making a request or trying to problemsolve, DEARMAN can be effective.

And when stating what will happen, what you will do, or clearing up misunderstandings (especially in written communication), keeping it Brief, Informative, Friendly, and Firm may be the way to go.

But beneath all those approaches, it's our mindset that matters, especially for a question like this:

How can I tell my friend that I'm moving out without making it seem like I want to end our friendship and without making it seem like it's her fault (even though it is)?

For me, big picture, I might be trying to find a balance between: I'm going to do the best I can to communicate in the most effective way I can learn, and I don't control my friend's perceptions, beliefs, feelings, or responses, and the way she responds to my communication isn't what determines whether it was the right thing to do.

Because BPD may be involved, she may not respond in a predictable way to your communication approaches -- I'd say that's a feature, not a bug, of BPD. It may take some sitting with your own discomfort, and some acceptance that you can't control the outcome, to make it through.

Drilling down into details, my gut feeling is to keep any communication about your plans short. Avoid long explanations, justifications for your choice, trying to "get her to see" your perspective, or giving off a sense of wavering or that she can argue you out of it. Warmth, empathy, and firmness may help:

"Hey, just a heads up that I need to move and my last day in the apartment will be 6/30 (I'll keep paying rent through 8/31). Can't wait to figure out a game night with you so we can stay connected!"

Who knows how she'll respond to that -- it may depend on whatever her inner experience is in that moment -- but returning to short responses full of warmth and desire to connect, may be more effective than Justifying, Arguing, Defending, or Explaining (or taking bait she may offer):

Her: "I can't believe you'd just leave me like that. I have no idea where you're coming from. Do you ever even think of anyone besides yourself?

"Yeah, it does suck, for sure. I don't love change either. What do you think about Fridays for a day to connect, maybe at wine night?"

...

Curious if any of that seems helpful or on target?

[cheeseplease]

Hi kells76,

Thank you, this is insightful and helpful. I've been trying SET and DEARMAN (somewhat unintentionally) for our more recent conflicts and it seems to at least diffuse the situation somewhat better than simply trying to get her to see my perspective.

she may not respond in a predictable way to your communication approaches

This has been a big roadblock for me. This friend will seem emotional but generally rational when I speak to her in person and I will think "wow, that went a lot better than I thought it would". Then, some time will pass and I will receive tens of long-winded text messages describing how upset she is and seeming to imply that I am the root of all her mental woes. However, she never is able to specify what I've done to upset her.

When I try to reinforce a boundary ("I will not tolerate being held responsible for someone else's mental wellbeing" or "I will not engage in emotionally involved discussions over text") she will claim that that is not what she was doing or assert that I am crossing her boundaries (but not state what boundary I have crossed).

While I feel like SET or DEARMAN are easy if say, she's upset that I didn't do the dishes and feels that this was because I intentionally wanted to make our living space messy, it's harder when I am unable to pinpoint what is affecting her and when she refuses to confront me in person and in the moment where she first becomes upset.

This vagueness I think sometimes leads to me feeling like I need to assume or guess her emotions in order to validate them which I think may sometimes be taken as me dismissing or not listening to what she is saying. It's a bit of a lose/lose

I haven't had the chance to tell her yet that I am moving out early but I will definitely update when I find a moment that seems "safe".

I am open to any last words of wisdom before I ride into battle. Wish me luck!

[livednlearned]

Her behaviors sound so similar to my stepdaughter (SD27), who has BPD traits too.

Over-texting seems to be a common impulse.

It's good that she can seem reasonable in person. If she has BPD traits, it might be that engaging like this is kind of the payoff. You're paying attention to her, so things are ok.

How do you think it might go if you used that relatively grounded time to let her know you're trying something new. Something like "I realized something about myself. I struggle to process lots of texts and long texts. I will _______ going forward."

In your words, as simple as possible.

With my stepdaughter we have to be very consistent and firm and make few exceptions if any. Less talking is better because engaging in the anguished topic is the whole point.

It works best when you can point to a boundary and offer something healthier in return. "I will be home at time o'clock and we can talk then." If it's a lot of anguish or serious mental health issues, my husband's go-to response is to point to SD27's therapist. "I'm a big out of my league here. Have you made an appointment with your T?"

He is also much better at stating time boundaries. "I can talk for 5 minutes and then I'll have to go. We can set a time to talk later."

It's hard work because you'll likely feel guilty and those emotions are not easy to tolerate. For us, what helped was having a therapist say that underneath SD27's boundary-less behaviors was a scared child who feels safer when the people around her assert healthy boundaries. On some level, SD27 knows her impulses are intense and push people to a breaking point.

As for moving out -- prepare for a dysregulation and even SI. When a new boundary appears it's pretty common to test how rigid it is. If you like your friend and want to reassure her she's in your life regardless of moving out, give her some structure like setting up days to have her over or go do something together. Giving notice will trigger her abandonment fears and she may dysregulate no matter what you say. It's kinda like she gets on a roller coaster and wants you to join the ride.

Except you choose to stay on the ground. It may take a lot of repetition and even a cooling off period for her to get over the distress of feeling abandoned but if her traits are not too severe and she doesn't feel like she got away with "injuring" you too badly, things could settle down.

[cheeseplease]

Thank you for sharing your experience livednlearned! I'm glad I am not alone in this situation.

Time for a bit of a lore update I think? So... about a little over a year ago, I really started noticing this friend had started copying everything I do. At first it was just the way I dressed or certain foods I would buy, but then it would ramp up to her buying the same car as me and telling my life stories as if they were her own.

I thought it was a little odd but figured that my friend may have a bit of a crush on me. I felt pretty self-centered assuming that, but it felt like the only possible explanation for this (and other) behavior. This suspicion was confirmed by a mutual friend last Spring.

However, now, having done some research on BPD and the phenomenon of a "favorite person", I am wondering if my friend may not necessarily have romantic feelings toward me but that I may just be her favorite person.

I guess there's no way to be totally sure without confronting her. Does anyone who has been in this community longer than myself have any insights on this? What is the difference between an FP and a crush? Do the two sometimes get mixed up?

...And now for a life update. I told my friend that I had signed a lease for a new apartment with a move-in date before our current lease ends. As was suggested, I tried to do this while she was in a bit of a more rational state. I also tried a sort of variation on a compliment sandwich? Like how when giving negative feedback it's good to start with a nice thing, give the criticism, then finish with something else nice? So I pretty much started with small talk, dropped the bomb that I am moving out, then asked what she would like to do together this weekend.

It seemed to go over well but I am a bit fearful that things will feel settled for a few weeks but then will eventually turn into another meltdown.

I'm finding it a bit difficult to enforce my own boundaries while simultaneously avoiding another blowup. I set the boundary that "I will not engage in emotional conversations over text". Yesterday, we were trying to make plans and she sent me a "do you even like spending time with me?" text. My boundary alarm went off, but I did respond as this pertained a bit to the conversation we were having about making plans.

Has anyone found a good way to maintain a happy but casual relationship with someone with BPD? I am so game to go out for brunch once in a while but it seems like every time I try to make plans with this friend, her idea of spending time together is some sort of elaborate multi-day roadtrip.