Advice Needed - Writing a Letter

[GratefulDad]

Hey ya'll,

It has been a while since I first and last posted on here. I found a therapist (though he recently retired) that specializes in BPD and have made some progress personally but minimally with my wife as she refuses to go to therapy. Over the last few years, I check in here on the forum to read folks stories, advice, and glimmers of hope but I find it overwhelming and wind up feeling hopeless because of my own personal situation. Apologies for not being a more contributive member of the forum.

Hoping the group can share some advice or past experience with the idea of writing my wife a note to try to validate where they are coming from, clearly express my needs, and ultimately set boundaries.

A little background - my wife and I have been together for 13+ years (11 married) have 2 kids (8 and 5). Looking back, I first noticed something was off when we were dating but didn't realize at the time. When we were planning the wedding, she had her first real BPD episodes and I almost called off the wedding. Her mother actually tried to talk me out of marrying her, knowing her BPD trends and how difficult it can be to live with her. Things were pretty okay before kids with exception of some unexplainable (at least in my eyes) episodes occasionally. Then almost immediately after the birth of our first child, my world got turned upside down. I thought I was losing my mind and questioned reality. It has been downhill since and peace is so rare my anxiety and depression are hard to manage. I cherish the good moments, but it has gotten to the point that I don't trust her when she's "normal" and am waiting for the storm to inevitably come. All things considered, we are blessed with a great life - nice home, neighborhood, community, friends, activities, church, she's a stay at home mom, etc. but she hates me (at least 90% of the time). The constant criticism, put-downs, name-calling, yelling, silent treatments, lack of intimacy, etc. you all know the drill - she's swimming against the current of our relationship and life in general. Through therapy, I'm much less defensive than I used to be and practice validation when I have the energy. I don't want a divorce for sake of not seeing my kids 1/2 the time (at best) and for leaving them with her unattended the other 1/2. I was away last week for work (which she is still holding against me) and my 8 year old, completely unprompted, said "dada, I don't like it when you are away because mom yells more and I don't have you to run to for comfort."

Where we are now - I've become an expert on BPD, read countless books, listened to podcast, read forums, therapy etc. I've also given up alcohol, which was a major crutch to deal with the onslaught of attacks, and have worked on myself a lot. Without her participating in DBT therapy, however, we are not in a good place as a couple. Her sister is trying to help get her into therapy so I'm minimally hopeful. Her rage episodes have become almost constant, she is rarely "normal," and I don't fight back much but have a hard time communicating back in an effective way because I am exhausted. She's become almost impossible to have a conversation with and I am at my wits end.

Please share your advice with my thought here: I'm thinking about writing her a letter for her to read on the plane this weekend (she's going to visit her cousin). My intention in the letter is to provide validation, explain how I feel and my basic needs/expectations in our relationship, and to set boundaries. I'm not going to make an ultimatum but I do want to ask her to make a decision to against me or with me.

What are your thoughts? Has anyone tried a letter to try to get effective communication started when verbal is impossible? Will this totally blow up in my face and give her something else to use against me?

Thanks in advanced!!

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[kells76]

Hello GratefulDad, glad you felt ready to check back in again  

When it comes to the desire to write a letter/email to the pwBPD in our lives, it can be important to really think through our goals and expectations. Sometimes, what's lying underneath that desire, is a tacit belief that "if I could just hit on the correct wording, my message would finally get through". And it's important to interrogate that belief to see if it's connected to reality.

I hear you that you want to validate her, share your feelings, share what you want out of the relationship, and set boundaries.

I'll comment that even as a "generally normal" person, that would be a lot for me to receive in one letter. And, brief backstory, that's even though I do much better with written relationship communication than spoken (my H and I, neither of whom have BPD, had some significant challenges over the last few years, and used email to work through a lot).

To me, it reads a bit like a Hail Mary -- one last big effort to turn things around. Is that at all close, or am I off base?

I ask because relationship issues like yours (and mine) don't happen overnight. It takes years to kind of drift into the problem zone, and it can take significant time to climb back out (again, even between my H and I, we did not resolve our issue with one email -- it has taken probably a year+ to get back to normal).

Again, if I'm off base, let me know -- I'm thinking that if healing the relationship is your goal, it may be more worth it to make a much longer term plan, versus hanging so much on one big letter.

...

Ideally, what outcome would you want, if you were to give her the letter as described?

Based on your experiences, what outcome(s) might you expect?

Do those overlap?

...

We can walk with you through this -- effective communication with a pwBPD isn't always intuitive.

[Chief Drizzt]

Hi - so sorry to hear about your situation.  Question - which podcast do you listen to?  I’ve been trying to find one that addresses BPD but so far I’ve seen are podcasts by people with BPD.

[dtkm]

I had a similar conversation with my T the other day.  I am having issues that as soon as my uBPDh transfers back to a normal/happy mode with me, I do too, with no discussion on what happened (usually I have no idea), how I felt when he was in his mood, who he is affecting, etc.  I keep telling myself that I want to start a discussion to talk about what had just happened, but I keep "failing" to do so as I just go with his mood.  My T asked me in the past has having any sort of deeper conversation ever been beneficial to our relationship?  The answer to which is no.  She asked me why I thought it would be different this time?  Which made me realize that it wouldn't.  She suggested that, as long as he is not being abusive, I try to accept the situation for what it is and remind myself that (again as long as he is not being abusive) he is doing the best he can in the moment and asking more in the moment won't work.