12 months out, the complete 100% recovery

[capecodling]

The healing happened very slowly at first, then a little faster, then faster still, and then finally all at once.  I am talking about the process where you go from being in some of the worst pain you can imagine to feeling towards your BPD-ex the same way you feel about any other ex, or any old friend / acquaintance for that matter.  Or maybe indifference is a better way of describing it, like there is no longer emotional charge when you think about that person, even if you still wish your ex well in wherever their journey has taken them.

The difference between how I felt during the initial breakup and now is quite striking.  Its like there are two different versions of me and that was a different person — who I was back then — feeling all of these intense grieving emotions over the loss of my BPD-ex, feeling like I would never get over her.  And wondering if I would spend the rest of my life grieving the loss of this one relationship, which was never even very healthy or fulfilling in the first place.

It had all of the classic signs of a BPD relationship, her extreme mood swings and lashing out over the smallest things. Many times I didn’t even realize I had committed an infraction until afterwards when she exploded with anger.  Her guarded use of her cell phone — who knows what secrets were hiding there — it tormented me in the weeks / months after the breakup, now I can genuinely laugh about it.  Did she cheat on me with her ex before me or not?  (It doesn’t matter at all to me now if she cheated, if she did its her problem and not mine.)  Her paining me black various times, breaking up, then returning weeks / months later and wanting to pick up where we left off.  Her general hot-and-cold behavior, often in the same day.  I can’t believe I tolerated that kind of treatment, I hadn’t before and haven’t since then.

Then the most important question of all: what was my role and responsibility in all this?  There was a lot I did wrong.  I think there is an inherent trap in coming on these BPD forums, it’s easy for us to see ourselves as the victims (and often there are plenty of good reasons why many of us have been victimized.)  But I remind myself that a “healthy” version of me would not have allowed the whole saga to continue for as long as it did.  And the “unhealthy” version of me, not only allowed it to continue but actively contributed to the whole process.  I’m 100% sure parts of my avoidance actively provoked my EX and did damage to our relationship.  Maybe as much as she did.  Or maybe more.  It isn’t a contest, the point is to recognize where you went wrong so the situation doesn’t repeat.

I think this last part, taking responsibility, if also shows where you really are in the healing process.  At the beginning I needed so badly to be right — to be the victim — that it was just too painful to take responsibility.  Now looking back I can see that is a part of the healing process, at least for me.

I just wanted to share my story and lessons.  If you are going through it now, know that I was where you were and you will get through it.

Some things that dramatically helped my healing:

1. Mindfulness meditation practiced daily, I used some of the audio books by Ekhart Tolle and practiced daily
2. Reading and practicing daily “The Limerent Mind” by Lucy Good
3. Focussing on good sleep, it took a while for my sleep to come back
4. Psychedelic Therapy
5. Daily exercise and healthy diet, avoiding processed foods and inflammatory foods

When I say I did these things daily I really mean it.  If you’re in the early stages of a breakup feeling intense pain, this may be for some the only Ace card you have up your sleeve: you can choose (right now) to take all of the pain, trauma, and heartache you are feeling and channel it into completely rebuilding your life for the better.  You’ll be glad you did.  The pain of the breakup gives you these kinds of opportunities, but you only get a few of them per lifetime, so please (I’m begging you) use this opportunity while you have it.  It really is a gift!!

[seekingtheway]

Hi Capecodling - just wanted to thank you for this beautiful post - it was really great to hear, and I'm so glad that you're looking back a year later and feeling the benefits of all the work you've done on yourself.

Also really enjoyed to hear about how the healing comes from looking within at our own parts in the dynamic. Why we stay and put up with things is a part of it, but there is also things we add with our own anxiety and avoidance that defintiely make things more combustible and unstable. In a past brush with some cluster B personalities, I went deep into that inner healing, and I truly did feel better than ever afterwards. There's a lot of power to be gained in looking at your own stuff and actually learning the lessons from it. I'm stadning at the beginning of that process once again, with lots of hope in my heart that I'll get to the place you're at now.

Interested about your psychadelic therapy... also interested to know if you still have any contact with your ex, and how you managed that once it was time to truly heal.