Moving her forward

[Momofajrs]

Hi,

I am a mother to a BPD 30 year old daughter, who lives with me.  I love her very much, and  I want to help her move forward.  I told her last year that she had until September 1, 2024 to move out.  She keeps telling me she is too ill and afraid to move out on her own.  I am so tired of her dysrelation, and I am losing my patience with her.  She acts like a spoiled child.

I always tell people that when she is good, she is so good/kind/considerate.  But when she is bad, she is so mean/nasty/wicked. 

I am fortunate, that she has a job, and seems to do well at it.  So, it baffles me that she can hold her emotions together at job, but come home and turn on a dime if I say something to her that she doesn't agree with or if I don't agree with her.

I raised four children, and lost my husband to early onset Alzheimers five years ago.   I am tired of being a care giver, and I want to move on with my life. 

My over question is, how to I stay with the plan for her moving out in September?  How can I support her without giving into her?  What can I say to her? 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[CC43]

Hi Mom,

To start, I'd say that your daughter is showing some healthy signs:  she's able to get and keep a job, and she has a nice/kind/considerate side.  That's pretty amazing.

Yet I think she's clinging to victimhood status.  She's too ill and afraid to move out?  She's not too ill and afraid to work.  Just because she has BPD doesn't mean she gets a free pass to act like a kid her entire life.  She's an adult, and she's responsible for herself now.  If she needs therapeutic support to cope, then she should get it.  We all have our health issues, and we all are responsible for getting them taken care of, through check-ups, taking medications or maintaining healthy lifestyle habits.

Is she acting too ill and afraid because YOU think she's too ill and afraid?  Do you have doubts about her ability to function on her own?  Well then I'd say you have to stop having doubts, because your daughter is probably picking up on that, and she's using it to her advantage.  She is a 30-year-old, employed, able-bodied adult.  She is perfectly capable.  Just because she has BPD doesn't mean she's disabled and has to live in her childhood home the rest of her life.  Does she drive a car?  If she can drive a car, she can live in an apartment.  If she's truly ill and afraid, I would say that she should have her driver's license revoked.  Driving a car in that condition, she could be a lethal danger to herself or others.  Do you see how the double standard works?

Moving into one's own apartment should be exciting!  Imagine, having your own space all to yourself, to do whatever you want with it, getting peace and quiet or making a mess or listening to music without having to consider others.  Having one's own address, not a parent's address.  Being responsible for utilities, upkeep, etc.  Decorating how you please.  Not having parents monitor your every move.  It's a sign of adulthood, and it should confer some social status.  Be excited for her achieving this milestone!

It sounds like you gave her a year's notice about moving out, and yet she hasn't made progress.  I would warn her about the coming deadline.  I'm thinking you need a plan to reclaim your house in stages.  You tell your daughter exactly what's going to happen in your household in the next few months.  It might look something like this:

*Starting June 1, she pays rent to you for a bedroom, so she gets in the habit.  It's only fair, as you are nearing retirement (or already in it), and it's not in your budget to provide free housing to an able-bodied adult forever.
*Any rent that she pays you, you might offer to turn around and give back to her to help her pay a security deposit and buy some furnishings for her apartment.  But if she's not out by September 1, she doesn't get the rent back.  And any day she stays beyond September 1, she owes you double rent.  During that time, you would start the legal eviction process, if it came to that.  It's entirely her choice.
*Starting July 1, her the access to the rest of the house becomes restricted.  No more free food, free laundry, free internet, free TV.  Disconnect the family TV!  If she wants to wash clothes, she can go to a laundromat.  Basically you confine her to a room which she's renting, but disallow free access to the rest of the house, so that she feels uncomfortable, and her own apartment starts looking appealing.  Your reason for doing this is because she's an adult, and the time has come for her to provide for herself now--you are done providing for children.  That's basically what you wrote.
*You could offer to go apartment hunting with her.  You might say that every Saturday from noon to 3 PM you will devote to finding an apartment with her, until she signs a lease and moves out.
*On August 1st, she has to pack up and move out of her room to a different (inferior) room (or basement), because you are re-decorating her room.  You've been wanting to make a lady lair for a long time now, and you want to get started on it now (ordering a sofa, finding decorative items, picking out paint, etc.), so you can move into it on August 1st.  She can pack up her stuff in boxes in anticipation of leaving the home entirely by September 1st.
*Don't cater to her!  Don't make her meals, do her grocery shopping, clean up after her or take care of her pets.  Your job as caretaker is done.  If anything, she should do that for you!

In summary, since you are three short months away from the deadline, and you're not seeing any progress, you could start a conversation when you're both calm.  Explain how you're excited that she's about to get her own place, and you're wondering what neighborhoods she's looking at.  If she seems uncomfortable, reassure her that you know she can do it, but if she wants some company on the hunt, you're available to go with her.  If she seems argumentative, stay firm.  Reiterate the plan:  what happens on June 1, July 1, August 1 and September 1.

By the way, I recently converted a child's bedroom into a lady lair.  I wish I had done it sooner.  It's my favorite place in the house now.

Stay positive, be firm, have some confidence in your daughter and good luck!  If your daughter rages at the changes, just focus on looking forward to her moving out, because you're going to make it happen, even if she doesn't do it voluntarily at first.  The plan is actually more for you than for your daughter.  You get a lady lair, and you get your house back.  You need to make sure you have a plan, communicate it and stick to it.  It's your daughter's choice whether she moves out of her room voluntarily in one go, or in stages, or if she gets evicted.  But she's leaving (willingly or unwillingly) because that's your plan.

[Ourworld]

Dear Mom,


Wow, CC43 sure has given you such a clear path!

She’s 25 and working, so it sounds like now is the time for you to let her go and live her own life (and we all have to learn lessons) so you too can live your own life.

Trust in the foundation you built while raising her, and trust that God will care for His child.
Yes, there will be some rough spots for her, but DO NOT run to her rescue, she’ll be ok. She might also get involved in some unhealthy relationships as is the nature of BPD but those are her choices, DO NOT try to control her life. I think what she is showing is not that she can’t handle things on her own, but only the tendency of kids with BPD to be deeply concerned with feeling abandoned. But you have to be tough, as long as you guide her (just as you did in raising her), she should not feel abandoned, but DO NOT take care of everything for her.

CC43 has given you an excellent plan to relinquish control of her life to her, she has to make all her own choices, so do not give in to her or let her walk all over you.

Wishing you the best, OurWorld

We are here to help and encourage her,

[Ourworld]

I meant that we are here to help and encourage YOU!

[js friend]

I totally agree with the others.
It is time to begin to pull away form doing everything for your dd. I mentioned this in another post. My udd left home at 17yrs because she knew that I was deadly serious that she would be out the door at 18, and you know what?....she has made it out there in some form or fashion. You need to have your own life too. Apart from my gkids, her moving out  was the best gift she has ever given me 

[Sancho]

Hi Momofajrs
I am wondering if you frame it in terms of the fact that you are getting on and no - one knows how long they have and you feel that you will be anxious about the future until you know that she is settled. You want to be there to help her settled in her own place and you can see that she manages well with her life but you want to be able to support her through the process of moving and settling.

It's just a thought and it is based on the truth that we all want to see our children settled in independent living. I am sure you are not of an age where this is an urgent matter, but in these circumstances it could be an approach that might help.

Just a thought . . .