No hope
Guys, I'm so done. I can't cope with all the hurt, my ex put me through. I've been through domestic violence. Here's my story:
So I was in highschool. That was 4 and a half years ago. I was actually broken too. Had several PTSD therapies and was absolutely broken. My childhood was tough as my father had BPD and was very abusive. My parents got divorced and we haven't spoken for 10 years, with my father. That's why I had PTSD. 4 and a half years ago, I met this girl. She was so innocent and lost. I knew, I had to ask her out. Things were quick. A month later, we started dating and my love for her only grew faster. On the other hand, her parents hated me from the very beginning. My father was arab and so my skin tone is slightly darker which is unacceptable, in my country. And as she is a pale blonde, they were upset because I'd probably ruin their pure white family with my genes if I ever had a child with their daughter. This was pretty hard pill to swallow..
Anyways, we remained dating. Everything was just perfect untill the day I took her to a camping site during summer holidays. Went for a hike and suddenly, she started crying, saying she's having this "crisis". The "crisis", ever since then, became her tool to make me try harder. That's when the emotional abuse began. She's had about 15 of those major crises throughout the relationship. Later on, she told me she was lost and didn't know whether she's not missing something while being with me. I fixed that and she switched back to loving me.
After that, things got worse. I mean, her demeanor was somewhat different. We started having arguments over NOTHING. But yeah, it wasn't that dramatic so far, so we remained together. Another year went by and I remember, I was like, 18? I took her out for shopping. Out of the blue, she told me to my eyes, I don't love you anymore. My heart was torn apart. I remained still. Told her that we could take a pause so that she could think it through. I gave her space. Man, it is excruciatingly painful when you tell them that you love them and they don't respond. I did everything she wanted. After a month, she switched back again. At this time, I realized, I wouldn't make it if I lost her. I've put her first in any aspect of life. I've sacrificed so much for her. Her demands were only higher and higher yet her respect for me went to zero. But still, another year passed by. The third year, I went through hell. My father called me. It was intense as we haven't spoken for 10 years. He told me, he has a cancer in it's final stage. Heartbreaking. I had to take care about him till the end. Meanwhile, my gf had a beef with her mother and I've decided to help her and take care of her problem as well as that of mine, with my father. I even ended up taking her mother to a restaurant where I had to explain, how it is important to communicate, in family. You get it? Me, a 20 yo, let's say kid, explaining this to a 50yo woman? WILD. I stood our ground and told her that we are moving. Did my girlfriend thank me? Nah. But before moving in together, I managed to find us a part time job abroad, for the entire summer holiday. I was so proud of myself that I could really manage to do this. We went there and the very first thing she told me was that she's about to have another crisis. It crushed me. We were supposed to help some old owners of a guest house. They only spoke their language, couldn't speak english nor our language, so clearly, I said, I have to learn their language so that I'd be able to communicate with them. My gf? She told ME to speak with them. After a month being there, I could speak quite well and she could barely say anything. Still, she blamed me for it and made a huge scene in public about it. Speaking of the huge scenes, she made these even in our country. She always did it in public, where she would start screaming, crying in order to make me look as an abuser in front of everyone. She did it many many times, mostly in shopping centers.
When we returned, we moved in together. Of course, I was the one who found us a dormitory to be. She didn't do anything for it. Our mutual life was okay, at least to her. I started feeling neglected and abused. The hell was only to begin. She started calling me names, making scenes in public so that I seemed as a total abuser even more frequently, gaslighting, blackmailing, humiliating, she hated my friends, hated my projects (podcasts), hated my opinions and everything I did was just wrong. Sometimes, it went physical. She blamed me for receiving an orphan's pension and not taking her out or buying her
PLEASE READ. It hurts to write. Sexually, she liked to frustrate me for weeks or even a month. Then, when I naturally didn't last long, she threw a tantrum. Sometimes, she screamed at me during sex over something I did or didn't do during the day. Then, it got even worse. We didn't sleep together whatsoever and she started isolating me. Blamed me for going to my parents for a weekend, saying, I don't feel at home with her. She even forbade me lighting a candle on the day it was a year after my father died.
I was so lethargic. Didn't know what to do. She found herself some friends at work and started hanging out with them after work. I remember going for her to work in winter. It was so cold. She left me waiting outside for an hour only to tell me that she was in a pub, after work. I stopped going there. And she hated me for that. Then, she broke up with me. Just like that. She was so suspiciously over it. I asked her about any other guy and was told she doesn't have any nor does she want anyone else. I went home, to my parents. A few days after, I found out, she had a crush at work. Well, my panic attacks came back.
she seemed so indifferent but when I returned to that room, I saw, it was a room of a total mess. I found our photos on the desk, our products still displayed and my t-shirt, she clearly still slept in it. So damn weird. That's when it got really really suspicious. I consulted this whole situation with my psychologist and he said, by all that I describe, There's no doubt she has a BPD and I wouldn't ever change her. The end was INEVITABLE. But I didn't know much about BPD, back then. I didn't know anything about charming. She did it. She stalked me to school and made a huge scene in front of my classmates about how she still loves me and won't make it through summer without me. I rejected her and told her to go away. A few days after, I was so curious about what might happen. I just went to the room again and I shouldn't have done it. She took a pose. A mask of arrogance so that I can't hurt her. The first thing she said was that she's happy without me. It made angry and confused because it didn't make sense as she told me how she still loves me, before. I spat all the
PLEASE READ she put me through, at her. I didn't scream or anything, but told her everything. She said things that hurt me but I hurt her too. I could see her "mask" breaking and her eyes flooding in tears. Oh god, I hurt myself by doing that. I suggested, I knew about her crush all the time. She acted indifferent. I left.
I feel shame. As a man, I should've acted more assertive. I just couldn't and so I came through the same hurt, as during my childhood.
I can't do this anymore. The pain is just excruciating.
