My ex wife says my daughter no longer has my last name

[BT400]

Curious if anyone has run into this one?

I was recently reading about how Angelina Jolie has alienated her children against Brad Pitt and several children have dropped his last name.

It’s interesting timing b/c my ex who displays off the charts BPD traits recently told my 77 year old mother that she’s a bad mother, I’m a bad snd abusive father, and that my daughter is no longer her granddaughter and is no longer a “xxxxxxxxx” (my last name and my daughter’s last name). All b/c we have been enforcing boundaries with my ex and my 14 year old daughter (who also displays the same BPD traits as her mom. A mini me of her at this point). Our boundaries are simple—respect and kindness towards us and my daughter is welcome with open arms to spend time with us.If she is unable to demonstrate these basic things, and take responsibility, then she is not welcome and/or there are consequences to her behavior when she is with us.

My daughter is with her mother as part of the standard possession agreement in place. Which gives me every other weekend, spring break, summer, Thanksgiving, Christmas etc. It’s hard for me to influence any meaningful behaviors of my daughter since she’s not with me full time and is in her mother’s world more of the time. It makes the visitation next to impossible and is exhausting with my daughter’s behaviors. I’ve been an overly attentive father for 14 years but it’s become too much. I’ve tried everything. My mother has tried everything too and is at a point where she’s fine not seeing her. We aren’t theses kind of people who give up—but we have to protect our own sanity and wellbeing and enforce healthy boundaries. Hard to do when an ex partner won’t engage in a healthy way and vilifies me regardless of how much I’m doing for her and my daughter. My mother and girlfriend literally fear for my safety and wellbeing when my daughter is with me. They don’t trust what she is capable of doing.

[Notwendy]

Does your daughter want to be with you during visitations or is she being forced to stay with you?

I believe this kind of thing is common. I didn't believe a parent- child bond could be broken like that but my BPD mother interferered with my father's relationship with me.

There is no telling what your ex is saying to your D about you or your mother. At 14, she may be a behavioral challenge but I would caution about saying she has BPD. She has a mother with BPD as a primary role model and has learned some behaviors.

One thing I had to learn was to not take my mother's behavior personally. It was more a projection of her own feelings. The Karpman triangle helped me to understand that she's acting from her own victim perspective. That doesn't mean her behavior is acceptable. It does mean that reacting to it emotionally adds to the drama and doesn't help.

Making false accusations doesn't make them true. One technique that helped me to manage my reactions is to substitute something absurd for the accusation. If your ex called your mother a pink elephant, would that concern you? Her saying that doesn't make it true.

As to the last name thing- maybe it's true, maybe it's not. My BPD mother will say she's going to do something  but doesn't necessarily do it. Her comment is to be hurtful, because she's hurting too. As to your D, she might change her name, but teens don't know who they are and may change their hair color, their pronouns, their clothes and whatever. I would not support someone making a permanent change at that age but something that isn't permanent can be changed later when they are more mature.

Your D's emotions are all over the place. Your role is to stand firm in your consistent love for her and not be emotionally reactive to what she says. This doesn't mean you don't have boundaries. They are important. But you are the adult and you need to model emotional regulation for her. Her mother probably can not.

She may "reject" you but you don't get to reject her. I don't care what she says, a rejection from you would be emotionally damaging. If your ex or D doesn't uphold the relationship- you need to. Your D needs a father whether or not she knows it by now.

Is your teen feeling forced to stay with you? If not, and she's pushing the boundaries- hold the boundaries. If she's being forced to stay with you, it may be counterproductive to force her. Maybe it would be better to meet up with her for a meal, or take her to an activity. If staying with you is a danger to you or your mother- don't put yourself in danger. Do not enable her behavior but also don't cut off communication from her. It sounds like she needs help. If you can get her into counseling that could be helpful.

[BT400]

Thank you for taking the time to reply.

Any healthy boundary being enforced is considered a rejection. Any time I say no to something it is considered a rejection. I’m not walking on eggshells around that anymore and I deserve to have a life to be any good for my daughter. Allowing her to run roughshod all over me is not very adult.  She is welcome with me anytime when she acknowledges the boundaries. Damage is done regardless, either way— But at least with some healthy boundaries from someone in her life she might have a chance. And I’m not giving in anymore..


quote author=Notwendy link=topic=358454.msg13214741#msg13214741 date=1717166008]
Does your daughter want to be with you during visitations or is she being forced to stay with you?

I believe this kind of thing is common. I didn't believe a parent- child bond could be broken like that but my BPD mother interferered with my father's relationship with me.

There is no telling what your ex is saying to your D about you or your mother. At 14, she may be a behavioral challenge but I would caution about saying she has BPD. She has a mother with BPD as a primary role model and has learned some behaviors.

One thing I had to learn was to not take my mother's behavior personally. It was more a projection of her own feelings. The Karpman triangle helped me to understand that she's acting from her own victim perspective. That doesn't mean her behavior is acceptable. It does mean that reacting to it emotionally adds to the drama and doesn't help.

Making false accusations doesn't make them true. One technique that helped me to manage my reactions is to substitute something absurd for the accusation. If your ex called your mother a pink elephant, would that concern you? Her saying that doesn't make it true.

As to the last name thing- maybe it's true, maybe it's not. My BPD mother will say she's going to do something  but doesn't necessarily do it. Her comment is to be hurtful, because she's hurting too. As to your D, she might change her name, but teens don't know who they are and may change their hair color, their pronouns, their clothes and whatever. I would not support someone making a permanent change at that age but something that isn't permanent can be changed later when they are more mature.

Your D's emotions are all over the place. Your role is to stand firm in your consistent love for her and not be emotionally reactive to what she says. This doesn't mean you don't have boundaries. They are important. But you are the adult and you need to model emotional regulation for her. Her mother probably can not.

She may "reject" you but you don't get to reject her. I don't care what she says, a rejection from you would be emotionally damaging. If your ex or D doesn't uphold the relationship- you need to. Your D needs a father whether or not she knows it by now.

Is your teen feeling forced to stay with you? If not, and she's pushing the boundaries- hold the boundaries. If she's being forced to stay with you, it may be counterproductive to force her. Maybe it would be better to meet up with her for a meal, or take her to an activity. If staying with you is a danger to you or your mother- don't put yourself in danger. Do not enable her behavior but also don't cut off communication from her. It sounds like she needs help. If you can get her into counseling that could be helpful.




[/quote]

[Notwendy]

Boundaries are not a rejection- even if your D interprets them that way. What I meant by rejection is not having anything to do with her. However, if her behavior puts you in danger- she needs medical help. You are correct by establishing - your house, your rules, even if she doesn't like it. Sometimes "tough love" is the way to go- and it's still love.

If her visits are unbearable - maybe some professional help is needed to help both of you maintain a relationship.

[BT400]

Thx!  I love her unconditionally and will never truly abandon her. But I will be enforcing consistent boundaries around respect and kindness and accountability.

I am seeing a therapist that actually does know firsthand about these types of behaviors (not just from a book they studied—very hard to find!). I had my daughter seeing a “family” therapist for 8 months at $500-$1000/month—but the therapist didn’t get it/not a good fit/would not communicate with me at all as a family therapist. Which was a very unhealthy dynamic and she was being manipulated too. I’m searching for a DBT option and am keeping my expectations low. It’s hard to do it b/c it’s mostly on zoom at my ex’s house and my ex hovers nearby. Therapist told her not to do it anymore, so she just hangs out nearby out of view. So, I’m just focusing on what I can do and giving the rest over.
quote author=Notwendy link=topic=358454.msg13214782#msg13214782 date=1717256527]
Boundaries are not a rejection- even if your D interprets them that way. What I meant by rejection is not having anything to do with her. However, if her behavior puts you in danger- she needs medical help. You are correct by establishing - your house, your rules, even if she doesn't like it. Sometimes "tough love" is the way to go- and it's still love.

If her visits are unbearable - maybe some professional help is needed to help both of you maintain a relationship.
[/quote]