New Member - Help! Feeling Stupid, Overwhelmed and Unsure...but also hopeful?

[Rpidaja7]

I am beside myself and overwhelmed...

Despite being married and struggling for 20 years, it was just a few months ago that I stumbled across the concept of a "Quiet/High Functioning BPD". It is hard to explain both the overwhelming and simultaneous feelings of grief and relief I experienced as I read the symptoms. I immediately and uncontrollably cried as 20 years of confusing fights and behaviors instantly had context and meaning. I grieved the years we'd lost struggling to communicate through her depression and emptiness. I re-experienced a lifetime of conversations with my best friend through a new (and terrifyingly sad) lens. And, for the first time, I allowed myself to question the harsh criticisms and character assassinations she's held against me.

Most importantly, however, this revelation has provided me compassion and insight into her and her world. And through this, I cannot help but feel ashamed and stupid for not knowing this diagnosis sooner. Likewise, I feel like a failure that she's struggled for so long without me fully understanding the depths of her pain. For those of you who remained in the dark for years, how were you able to forgive yourself and move on?

And secondarily, at the recommendation of our marriage therapist, I shared my BPD concerns with her recently. I prepared myself in advance for a likely rebuke but was surprised that she recognized and acknowledged she met some of the BPD criteria (though she ultimately rejects the diagnosis). I am hopeful that, with time, she may potentially seek help. Unfortunately, hoping and actually seeking help are two very different outcomes. How do I best manage my hopes and expectations? If she ultimately denies this reality and chooses the status quo, how do I cope with this split between our two realities? Any wisdom and tips are very much welcomed and appreciated.

Thank you.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[kells76]

Hello Rpidaja7 and a warm welcome to the boards 

Grief is common around here. Lots of members find themselves grieving the loss of the marriage they hoped for(for themselves and their spouses), and struggling to accept the reality of the marriage they have. It's a big loss; it makes a lot of sense that you'd feel overwhelmed right now.

While my spouse does not have BPD, his kids' mom has many traits, and I think I started suspecting BPD about 9-10 years ago. The thing is -- even though I've been pretty sure she has many BPD traits and behaviors, I still fall into the "trap" of thinking: "But this time, in this high stress situation, surely she'll respond calmly, thoughtfully, gratefully, and with regulation!" So you aren't alone in feeling like -- I should have known. Even those of us who "know" struggle with accepting the reality of BPD.

How long have the two of you been in marriage counseling? Does your W seem to trust the MC?

My thought is that 20 years is a long time to be in a relationship. You two didn't get here overnight, so managing hopes and expectations makes sense. It's like turning around a giant oil tanker on the ocean: it's doable, but if it happens, it won't be fast.

I wonder if our article on Anosognosia and Getting a "Borderline" into Therapy might be relevant for your situation? It has a section on "What Can I Do for a Loved One with Borderline Personality Disorder Traits?", plus a video link at the end. When you have a chance, take a look and let us know what you think.

We'll be here for you;

kells76

[lorbug]

Hello and welcome. I am also a new member.

I am confused by this in your post " harsh criticisms and character assassinations she's held against me".  I had always believed that quiet BPDs didn't lash out at others, rather internalized their anger and criticism. I could be wrong since I don't really know much about it. I'm just curious because it could explain some things in my relationship if that's the case.

My wife has BPD but will off and on be in denial, so therapy has not been at all consistent. We are at the point of separation and talking about divorce. In my situation alcohol also plays a role, which complicates things of course. The one thing she's been better at keeping up with are her DBT classes. They are very beneficial for anyone with BPD and many without it as well. I would at least look into courses that can be taken via zoom, so it makes it pretty easy. 

[Rpidaja7]

Thank you, kells76!

Your link gave me another great term I had never heard before. Anosognosia really hits home (as do the link's recommendations for managing). I've actually found that productive conversations about her BPD have specifically came in the areas in which SHE acknowledges there's truth (particularly around emptiness and her unstable self image). I've also been very careful not to use the term "BPD" or pigeon-hole her actions into the diagnosis - both of which have been very effective in preserving her willingness to open up to me about her struggles.

We've been with our current MC for about 2 years and she (generally) trusts her though she's had her arguments with her. There are definitely times where I can see her similarly splitting on our MC when she's challenged.

Thank you again for your reply!

 

Hello Rpidaja7 and a warm welcome to the boards 

Grief is common around here. Lots of members find themselves grieving the loss of the marriage they hoped for(for themselves and their spouses), and struggling to accept the reality of the marriage they have. It's a big loss; it makes a lot of sense that you'd feel overwhelmed right now.

While my spouse does not have BPD, his kids' mom has many traits, and I think I started suspecting BPD about 9-10 years ago. The thing is -- even though I've been pretty sure she has many BPD traits and behaviors, I still fall into the "trap" of thinking: "But this time, in this high stress situation, surely she'll respond calmly, thoughtfully, gratefully, and with regulation!" So you aren't alone in feeling like -- I should have known. Even those of us who "know" struggle with accepting the reality of BPD.

How long have the two of you been in marriage counseling? Does your W seem to trust the MC?

My thought is that 20 years is a long time to be in a relationship. You two didn't get here overnight, so managing hopes and expectations makes sense. It's like turning around a giant oil tanker on the ocean: it's doable, but if it happens, it won't be fast.

I wonder if our article on Anosognosia and Getting a "Borderline" into Therapy might be relevant for your situation? It has a section on "What Can I Do for a Loved One with Borderline Personality Disorder Traits?", plus a video link at the end. When you have a chance, take a look and let us know what you think.

We'll be here for you;

kells76

[Rpidaja7]

Hi lorbug,

Thank you for the reply. I can only speak for my situation but I find that NO ONE in my wife's circles have experienced her emotional anguish that she allows me to see/experience with her (both facing inwards towards herself and outwards towards me/our kids). By the very definition, her high functioning BPD allows her to hide the diagnosis extremely well from everyone (present company excepted). By virtue of being married to her, she sees me as an extension of herself and, often, uses me to relieve her high levels of anxiety through blaming/splitting on me when she becomes overwhelmed with her own feelings of failure. 

I am sorry you are looking at divorce as a possibility but I can empathize deeply with your situation. I will share with you that my wife, a few years back (before the diagnosis was known), served me with divorce papers and disappeared with our children. It began the most painful two month period of my life. She went into hiding and began making public allegations of me trying to murder her for insurance proceeds, of being gay, and of cheating on her with a woman I met online – none of which were remotely true or based on facts. She now acknowledges these statements (and many others she made) were untrue and were made while in severe emotional pain. For the sake of my children and because I do still love my wife, I attempted to reconcile our marriage and my wife has made earnest efforts to repair the damage she caused. I can honestly say I am a better person for having gone through this painful period.

We have since found an amazing marriage therapist and, very recently, I have found my own therapist who specializes with helping the spouses of those with BPD/NPD. My goal with this is both i) to understand whether I can be happy in this marriage, and ii) to learn DBT myself and apply it on behalf of my wife. My therapist actually has a 12-wk DBT class open to anyone who would like to learn how to implement DBT. I am hopeful that, regardless of the choices she makes to seek help, I am able to take back control of my own life and more fully appreciate what my desire is for my (and our children's) future.

I wish you the greatest of luck with your journey. 

Hello and welcome. I am also a new member.

I am confused by this in your post " harsh criticisms and character assassinations she's held against me".  I had always believed that quiet BPDs didn't lash out at others, rather internalized their anger and criticism. I could be wrong since I don't really know much about it. I'm just curious because it could explain some things in my relationship if that's the case.

My wife has BPD but will off and on be in denial, so therapy has not been at all consistent. We are at the point of separation and talking about divorce. In my situation alcohol also plays a role, which complicates things of course. The one thing she's been better at keeping up with are her DBT classes. They are very beneficial for anyone with BPD and many without it as well. I would at least look into courses that can be taken via zoom, so it makes it pretty easy.