My partner has BPD

[Lady Threshold]

I'm forty-seven years old, transgender female and in a relationship with another transwoman who has BPD. I've been in this relationship for six years and it's not getting any better.

At first it seemed like it was meant to be. We were friends for years, both trans, we had transitioned together and though she had issues she seemed like she wanted to repair her life and move on from her early years. She asked me to help her learn skills she had missed out on and for a while she seemed to be making a lot of progress. I was fooled.

Soon after she moved in she quit her job. She now only works on a web comic with about two-hundred people who give her small sums of money on Patreon and most of the time she doesn't even do that. Her mood swings are wild, she's verbally abusive, abusive to the cat and dog as well. She promised that if I ever got sick though that she would get a real job. Long story short I got cancer and when I asked her to get a job she refused and got angry.

She will abuse any substance available. This became all too clear when after surgery to remove the tumor I had I had to be rushed back to the hospital with a blood clot. I nearly died and while I was spening a week in the ICU and another in a regular hospital room she was taking all of the pain medication I had been given. When I got home I could not get anymore. I spent weeks in terrible pain taking only Advil and other over the counter pain meds. I'm on Ambien and she will steal that too, once she ODed on it and after that I bought a lock box...that she broke into and after that I bought a better safe to keep it in.

It's been five years since cancer treatment ended and she still threatens me that if it comes back and I die she will commit suicide. If I leave her at all she threatens to commit suicide. Once, I said it was over and she took a razor to her wrist and we ended up at the ER. That was four years ago when she was officially diagnosed with BPD.  I'm scared to even think about leaving not only because of my own finances as I'm now on SSDI after cancer treatment but also because she may kill herself and even if she doesn't she has no idea how to care for herself. She doesn't know how to pay bills, save money, work an actual job and she owes the IRS thousands. She doesn't even know how to cook for the most part or clean either. She's forty-five going on fifteen...or maybe twelve. I'm not her partner I'm her mother.

She asks me constantly if I intend to leave her and seems enamored with the idea that she has an actual mental health diagnosis and uses that as a get out of jail free card. "That was very hurtful...." "I have BPD! It's incurable! There is nothing they can do for it!" 

She often angry, refuses to give me any personal time or space. We have to watch what she wants which is usually mindless YouTube videos. We have to talk about what she wants and I have to say what she wants to hear or risk a BPD rage moment that makes Bruce Banner look tame. She also talks about wanting to kill people which makes me nervous. There is a lot more but I'll end it here for now. Thanks for reading this.

[jaded7]

I'm forty-seven years old, transgender female and in a relationship with another transwoman who has BPD. I've been in this relationship for six years and it's not getting any better.

At first it seemed like it was meant to be. We were friends for years, both trans, we had transitioned together and though she had issues she seemed like she wanted to repair her life and move on from her early years. She asked me to help her learn skills she had missed out on and for a while she seemed to be making a lot of progress. I was fooled.

Soon after she moved in she quit her job. She now only works on a web comic with about two-hundred people who give her small sums of money on Patreon and most of the time she doesn't even do that. Her mood swings are wild, she's verbally abusive, abusive to the cat and dog as well. She promised that if I ever got sick though that she would get a real job. Long story short I got cancer and when I asked her to get a job she refused and got angry.

She will abuse any substance available. This became all too clear when after surgery to remove the tumor I had I had to be rushed back to the hospital with a blood clot. I nearly died and while I was spening a week in the ICU and another in a regular hospital room she was taking all of the pain medication I had been given. When I got home I could not get anymore. I spent weeks in terrible pain taking only Advil and other over the counter pain meds. I'm on Ambien and she will steal that too, once she ODed on it and after that I bought a lock box...that she broke into and after that I bought a better safe to keep it in.

It's been five years since cancer treatment ended and she still threatens me that if it comes back and I die she will commit suicide. If I leave her at all she threatens to commit suicide. Once, I said it was over and she took a razor to her wrist and we ended up at the ER. That was four years ago when she was officially diagnosed with BPD.  I'm scared to even think about leaving not only because of my own finances as I'm now on SSDI after cancer treatment but also because she may kill herself and even if she doesn't she has no idea how to care for herself. She doesn't know how to pay bills, save money, work an actual job and she owes the IRS thousands. She doesn't even know how to cook for the most part or clean either. She's forty-five going on fifteen...or maybe twelve. I'm not her partner I'm her mother.

She asks me constantly if I intend to leave her and seems enamored with the idea that she has an actual mental health diagnosis and uses that as a get out of jail free card. "That was very hurtful...." "I have BPD! It's incurable! There is nothing they can do for it!" 

She often angry, refuses to give me any personal time or space. We have to watch what she wants which is usually mindless YouTube videos. We have to talk about what she wants and I have to say what she wants to hear or risk a BPD rage moment that makes Bruce Banner look tame. She also talks about wanting to kill people which makes me nervous. There is a lot more but I'll end it here for now. Thanks for reading this.

I just want to say you come a good place to get support. There are many very experienced and helpful people here who will help you.

There are some serious drug and alcohol issues here, in combination with what sounds like an actual BPD diagnosis. Which of course could make things even more challenging.  And real abuse, against you and animals.....and abuse of animals is also very bad sign. And self-harm on her part.

A very complex situation. Please read through posts here and allow yourself to absorb the wisdom.

[livednlearned]

Oof. BPD and drug addiction is a one-two punch, and treatment is not easy even if she was motivated to get help. To go through cancer treatment without her support must have been terribly painful.

What's also tough is that she sort of has things the way she wants, so there's not much to motivate her to seek help or get better. When you try to make a change, she has a way to stop you from moving forward, so that strategy is working for her.

seems enamored with the idea that she has an actual mental health diagnosis and uses that as a get out of jail free card. "That was very hurtful...." "I have BPD! It's incurable! There is nothing they can do for it!" 

How do you respond when she says that?

Many of us stay in these relationships because we're afraid of (insert worse thing) and the fear, obligation, and guilt (FOG) works like a jail cell to prevent us from leaving.

Do you have a therapist in your life? The confusion and FOG of trying to leave someone who is suicidal is really tough, especially the combination of fragile victim and abusive bully rolled into an intimate partner.

It sounds like you feel it isn't financially feasible to live independently, and you fear for her safety and well-being if you were to leave?

[Lady Threshold]

Thank you both for your support. I don't have a therapist right now as they are pretty expensive but I do have people in my life that I talk to about this and I have been asked if I have ever considered leaving my partner. The answer is "yes" and that makes me feel worse because I tell my partner "no" out of fear of an incident if I'm honest with her.

There is a lot of  fear, obligation and guilt over leaving her. I feel like she stands there with a gun to her own head and says "I'll do it! You had better listen to my demands or I'll do it!" Successfully taking her own self hostage to get what she wants. I also fear for both my own financial situation and hers. As for obligation she obviously can't take care of herself and refuses to learn. If I leave will she really commit suicide? I don't know. I hope not but I don't know.

She's hurt me so many times though and she doesn't seem to care that not helping out financially is leaving us in a bad place. Like a child she waits for "mom" to make it better while she plays video games or gets angry with people on social media. When I tell her I need help the guilt kicks in which she internalizes for a short period of time before converting into anger and bursting into a rage.

[jaded7]

Thank you both for your support. I don't have a therapist right now as they are pretty expensive but I do have people in my life that I talk to about this and I have been asked if I have ever considered leaving my partner. The answer is "yes" and that makes me feel worse because I tell my partner "no" out of fear of an incident if I'm honest with her.

There is a lot of  fear, obligation and guilt over leaving her. I feel like she stands there with a gun to her own head and says "I'll do it! You had better listen to my demands or I'll do it!" Successfully taking her own self hostage to get what she wants. I also fear for both my own financial situation and hers. As for obligation she obviously can't take care of herself and refuses to learn. If I leave will she really commit suicide? I don't know. I hope not but I don't know.

She's hurt me so many times though and she doesn't seem to care that not helping out financially is leaving us in a bad place. Like a child she waits for "mom" to make it better while she plays video games or gets angry with people on social media. When I tell her I need help the guilt kicks in which she internalizes for a short period of time before converting into anger and bursting into a rage.

As I'm a reader and I find books really helpful, and many others here do as well, I'll suggest Stop Walking On Eggshells as a start with a BPD partner. At the very least you'll be able to hear about the challenges and relate them to your own.

[ForeverDad]

It is clear she has become invested in her version of I'm mentally ill but won't improve.  What's left is for you to decide what you will do for your future.  Both of you are adults.  Both of you can make choices in your lives.  If the relationship isn't working, then you're permitted as an adult to determine what will work for you.

The Bridge
The Backyard Black Hole