Re: Well looks like divorce is finally happening Pt. 3

[kells76]

Is it ever going to stop?  Or will she continue to ask for things? It seems somewhat quiet right now.

It is possible that your kids' mom will remain an entitled person for the foreseeable future. Ask me how I know 

What can change is how you respond to her requests/demands.

How does she currently ask for things right now -- text? phone call? email? in person? other?

How do you currently respond?

This can get better -- with changes on your end.

[ForeverDad]

A pwBPD usually has a sense of immediacy - "I need it right now and you have to comply and help me fix my problem right now."

You may have to tell her she will have to wait for the process to finish.  Just because she says it is urgent and must be done now, much of that is likely her sense of belated immediacy - and her expecting you to immediately jump in to fix her sudden problem.

Reminds me of when years ago I manned lobby reception desks in a couple NYC hotels.  Passersby would walk in and ask to use a restroom.  Sometimes even a mother with kids jumping up and down.  "Sorry, the restrooms are in the rooms." I'd be asked, putting me on the spot, where do you go?  "I go through a locked door in the basement for staff facilities.  Why don't you go across the street and use a nearby restaurant?"  But they would say the restaurants said their restrooms are only for their customers and they'd have to buy something.

I would turn to my less experienced coworkers and enlighten them, "While we want to help people, there are limits and there are times when we can't let other people transform their problems into our problems."

[ChooseHappiness]

I would turn to my less experienced coworkers and enlighten them, "While we want to help people, there are limits and there are times when we can't let other people transform their problems into our problems."

I sometimes work with paramedics and they have a similar saying: "The patient is having the emergency, not you." While it sounds callous, the point of the saying is to remind the paramedics to stay calm and keep perspective so they will continue to operate at their best. Someone else's panic/emergency can be infectious and distort your own thinking if you're not careful.

[Notwendy]

It is possible that your kids' mom will remain an entitled person for the foreseeable future. Ask me how I know 

There could be an emotional aspect to this. A sense of entitlement is one possibilty. Another is the need to have people do things for her- a need to be rescued. My BPD mother will ask people to do things for her that she can do herself- it's not the task she needs- that's a part of it- but the need is to have someone do it for her.

I don't comprehend it but emotional needs aren't rational. She will call me to make a phone call for her- but if she can call me, why can't she call who she's trying to reach. She doesn't need help making the call- she needs me to be doing something for her. There's the sense of urgency too and she's emotionally distressed with that need.

I don't think your reply "I am not your husband" is being mean. She made her decision. You aren't obligated.

[mikejones75093]

Sometimes we remark, the disordered one may abandon us before we can abandon them.

Question for you.  Seems you went through the wild court process and ended up with custody.

My divorce is final.  She won't see then until August and when she does her time is extremely limited.  2 days every 2 weeks. 

So my question is, what's next?  Is she going to be peaceful and leave me alone or does she keep coming at me?  I quit talking to her because there is no need to right now, she blamed my daughter for a few things and really upset her.

Now she's found a new man and is acting mature?  She actually apologized to my daughter and told her she was wrong, she's never apologized to me.  She's being very calm and acting almost too nice.

In my opinion there is no way this lasts but I will take the peace for now.

What happens next?  She loses it on the next guy and comes after me or will she be civil?  No contact except about the kids, take her limited time and leave me alone?

[ForeverDad]

The divorce is final.  Your lawyer can advise you on the specifics of your state and local court's typical process and time frames if changes to the order need to be made.

That said, courts are reluctant to have custody and parenting schedules jump back and forth.  Court is overwhelmed already with their existing caseload and lawyers are expensive.  The court will not expect you two back for a while except for somewhat less major items like Contempt of Court petitions and the like.  In other words, as Lived&Learned calls them, parking tickets.

If your spouse would like to make major changes, that would require filing for a Change of Circumstances motion.  That would *not* include her rebounding back after her current new relationship goes sour.  There would have to be a real basis for a change.  More or less, all you have to do is weather any such storm.

After two years in a temp order as alternate weekend dad, I exited divorce with shared custody and equal time.  Two years and a couple frustrating contempt of court petitions later, I told my lawyer life was still not improved from before and it was time to file for custody and majority time... Change of Circumstances.  I did get custody but our GAL (Guardian ad Litem, child's lawyer) "split the difference" and wanted ex to keep possibility of child support.  I went back again a couple years later and did get majority parenting time.

Based on my experience - your experience may vary - I suspect you're safe with the current framework for a year or two, perhaps longer.

In my opinion there is no way this lasts but I will take the peace for now.

Yes, she was distracted by another adult relationship, as sad as that sounds it was fortunate for you since the divorce was not a great hurdle.  It could have been worse, longer and more expensive.  There is no way to predict how long her new target lasts, but it will still be dysfunctional unless she is determined to do meaningful therapy and diligently apply it in her thinking, perceptions and overall life.

What happens next?  She loses it on the next guy and comes after me or will she be civil?  No contact except about the kids, take her limited time and leave me alone?

Again, hard to predict.  But it seems she's more focused on her adult relationships and less focused on the kids.  That may continue to be her pattern.  Some parents, whether fathers or mothers, are like that.  If that is her level of priorities - her comfort zone - let her remain an alternate weekend parent.  Do not feel *obligated* (overly "fair") to Gift her extra, although with the strong position you're in now you can let her have some exceptions here and there.  The kids need you to be their primary parent.  Any time you're in doubt, just remind yourself that the kids' welfare comes first.

The marriage is ended.  It is what it is.  Technically, you now have no relationship with her except regarding custodial and parenting matters.  So yes, she should leave you alone.  The only link is limited to the children.

[mikejones75093]

The divorce is final.  Your lawyer can advise you on the specifics of your state and local court's typical process and time frames if changes to the order need to be made.

That said, courts are reluctant to have custody and parenting schedules jump back and forth.  Court is overwhelmed already with their existing caseload and lawyers are expensive.  The court will not expect you two back for a while except for somewhat less major items like Contempt of Court petitions and the like.  In other words, as Lived&Learned calls them, parking tickets.

If your spouse would like to make major changes, that would require filing for a Change of Circumstances motion.  That would *not* include her rebounding back after her current new relationship goes sour.  There would have to be a real basis for a change.  More or less, all you have to do is weather any such storm.

After two years in a temp order as alternate weekend dad, I exited divorce with shared custody and equal time.  Two years and a couple frustrating contempt of court petitions later, I told my lawyer life was still not improved from before and it was time to file for custody and majority time... Change of Circumstances.  I did get custody but our GAL (Guardian ad Litem, child's lawyer) "split the difference" and wanted ex to keep possibility of child support.  I went back again a couple years later and did get majority parenting time.

Based on my experience - your experience may vary - I suspect you're safe with the current framework for a year or two, perhaps longer.

Yes, she was distracted by another adult relationship, as sad as that sounds it was fortunate for you since the divorce was not a great hurdle.  It could have been worse, longer and more expensive.  There is no way to predict how long her new target lasts, but it will still be dysfunctional unless she is determined to do meaningful therapy and diligently apply it in her thinking, perceptions and overall life.

Again, hard to predict.  But it seems she's more focused on her adult relationships and less focused on the kids.  That may continue to be her pattern.  Some parents, whether fathers or mothers, are like that.  If that is her level of priorities - her comfort zone - let her remain an alternate weekend parent.  Do not feel *obligated* (overly "fair") to Gift her extra, although with the strong position you're in now you can let her have some exceptions here and there.  The kids need you to be their primary parent.  Any time you're in doubt, just remind yourself that the kids' welfare comes first.

The marriage is ended.  It is what it is.  Technically, you now have no relationship with her except regarding custodial and parenting matters.  So yes, she should leave you alone.  The only link is limited to the children.

I know she should leave me alone now, I'm just wondering if she will.  She needs chaos and drama.

She text me today to blame me for her auto insurance going up.  She wrecked her car 3 times, don't know how that's my fault.

Just don't know if she's going to keep trying to file motions or calling the cops or now that the war is over does she just talk smack when she needs attention?

[ChooseHappiness]

I know she should leave me alone now, I'm just wondering if she will.  She needs chaos and drama.

She text me today to blame me for her auto insurance going up.  She wrecked her car 3 times, don't know how that's my fault.

Just don't know if she's going to keep trying to file motions or calling the cops or now that the war is over does she just talk smack when she needs attention?

My ex used to blame me for all sorts of things I didn't have anything to do with. My favourite was when she blamed me for the grass in the yard growing too slow. I had gone no contact with her by this point even though we were living in the same house, but I made the mistake of responding to that one. For weeks afterward, she tried to bait me into a fight by attacking me over the lawn because it was the one thing I had responded to her about, and she used the lawn as an excuse to discuss all my character flaws.

So sometimes it's not about them blaming you correctly or incorrectly for something that actually happened, it's about trying to goad you into responding so you're suddenly stuck in a conversation with them and they can unload all the chaos and rage inside of them upon you.

The best thing you can do is ignore it. Once they realize they can't engage you, they'll likely give up and move on to other targets.

[livednlearned]

Really good insight from ChoosingHappiness.

I wanted to add that separation and auto insurance was kinda important in my divorce and you mention she's wrecking her car.

I would call your insurance agent and make sure there are no loose ends there.

It was actually auto insurance stuff that made me speed up my divorce as much as possible. I was worried about my ex getting into a car wreck. He started to drink and drive according to a neighbor who saw the truck parked on the lawn one night.

You want to unwind these contracts as quickly as possible.

[ForeverDad]

I was paying for my ex's car insurance but at some time, probably early in the divorce process, I called my agent and was informed that if she was living elsewhere and her car was being 'garaged' away from the home then she would have to obtain her own car insurance.  I didn't have to take any overt action, industry policy was to simply send her a letter that she had to start her own policy once renewal time came.