BPD - support - divorce? How to know whats real????

[gem2im]

Hi, earlier this year after an outburst we decided to end our marriage. We have been married for 20 years. Have children etc.
After our separation my partner got help (which had been promised many times in the past, but never happened) this time a diagnosis was made. BPD with possibly more to follow. My partner spent a minor amount of time in hospital but now insist the specialists have said there is nothing more anyone can do for them.
It seems this has been a major trigger and the mental headspace is now worse than I have ever imagined it could be. There are soooooo many lies, made up stories, what feels like manipulation, denial, anger, sadness, suicidal threats, accusations. I'm finding it sooo hard to know what is real.
I have sought help for myself, but as we all know, these thing take time.
Its also time I don't have. I am really stretched, I work long hours and feel like I am only just managing to do enough for everyone else and have no time left for myself.
i am researching a lot, however finding it hard to be empathetic or supportive when I am learning about so many lies and deceit along with all the past hurt that is already there.
I'm torn between wanting to take my children away from all of this or be supportive and help the situation. (Which I am being told that only I can help). Now when I stop and think. I know that is not true. But when the threats and sadness comes, I struggle to stand my ground.
I have tried to leave many times, but have always been drawn back in.
I'm honestly not sure if the love is there or if the idea of what could be and all the promises is what I have been in love with forever.
How do I talk to anyone about this? No one knows. Things are completely different in everyone else's eyes. Would anyone believe me anyway? I feel completely isolated. I am told not to tell anyone. What about our kids. How do I manage that? They don't see anything but a bad temper. They tiptoe around as much as I do and just try to keep the peace. Its not fair. It has to stop. But how. What happens after separation. How do I leave my children alone to deal with that on their own for access weekends etc. When I think of having to leave them in that situation without me (which has never happened), I begin to question if separation is the right thing. Or do I stay simply to keep the children safe. Somehow.
I really don't know how anyone gets through this.
Any help or advice please would be extremely helpful.

[ForeverDad]

Like many others here, I too faced a dilemma.  I couldn't ever have imagined my marriage failing but I had no other choice.  The downside of BPD is that besides the ranting, raging, ultimatums, etc there is the constant Denial, Blaming and Blaming Shifting.

As I look back, my ex's father/stepfather issues were much more serious than I could have ever imagined.  While over the years it had gotten worse and worse, it was somewhat manageable... until we had a child.  Immediately I noticed a change.  At first I thought it was that she felt she could love only one of us and she chose our child.  As I look back, it think the core issue was that I had become a father and she couldn't see me as the husband of the decade before.

The only alternative left was to end the adult relationship and focus on setting a proper parenting example.  Halfway measures don't seem to work when someone is repeatedly cycling in and out of dysfunctional, even abusive, behavior.

It is early yet, your spouse may respond positively to therapy but be forewarned it has a high risk of failing long term.  And even in success, at best her poor behaviors still could break out at times.  She has to want to get better and be determined to keep working on herself, not just do a few sessions and claim she's all better.  You can't fix her, nor can the kids fix her.  This is a challenge only she can accomplish.  As you've discovered, many don't manage recovery.

And for the children to see this discord all the time isn't good for them even if it's not directed at them.  Children learn by example.  If this dysfunctional example is their home life growing up, what life choices will they make seeking relationships when they're grown and gone?

Living in a calm and stable home, even if only for part of their lives, will give the children a better example of normalcy for their own future relationships.  Nearly 30 years ago the book Solomon's Children - Exploding the Myths of Divorce had an interesting observation on page 195 by one participant, As the saying goes, "I'd rather come from a broken home than live in one."

Ponder that.  Taking action will enable your lives, or at least a part of your lives, to be spent be in a calm, stable environment — your home, wherever that is — away from the blaming, emotional distortions, pressuring demands and manipulations, unpredictable ever-looming rages and outright chaos.

[ChooseHappiness]

I'm torn between wanting to take my children away from all of this or be supportive and help the situation. (Which I am being told that only I can help)

How old are your children? In many areas, shared custody is the default and it can be difficult to change that. In my area (Canada), courts will generally respect the wishes of children 12 and older, so an older child may be able to avoid shared custody with a BPD parent while a younger child may not.

Is it your BPD partner saying that only you can help? I've heard that countless times before in my own life, and it didn't change anything in the end. You can't help someone who won't help themselves and is an emotional black hole. You just end up wasting more of your own life.

How do I talk to anyone about this? No one knows. Things are completely different in everyone else's eyes. Would anyone believe me anyway? I feel completely isolated. I am told not to tell anyone. What about our kids. How do I manage that? They don't see anything but a bad temper.

It's very common for people outside of the relationship not to know what is going on. It's the nature of BPD, which very few people understand or have even heard of. It's really important to confide in friends, therapists, doctors, etc. You need a really strong support network to get through this -- as do your children. And you may need a track record of her behaviour to point to if she starts making accusations about you.

As for your children knowing, that's a hard one. You can't really have a discussion about BPD with younger children. Older children start to figure out something isn't right with the BPD parent and make their own choices. As my lawyer says, many kids vote with their feet once they are teenagers. But that doesn't make it any easier in the meantime.

All you can really do for your children is to be the emotional foundation for them, so they always have one strong, stable parent they can trust. I recommend reading Raising Resilient Children with a Borderline or Narcissistic Parent. There's much in it I find to be useful for people who have to co-parent or parallel parent with a BPD partner/ex.

[KayakerDude]

. . . There are soooooo many lies, made up stories, what feels like manipulation, denial, anger, sadness, suicidal threats, accusations. I'm finding it sooo hard to know what is real.
 . . .
I have tried to leave many times, but have always been drawn back in.
I'm honestly not sure if the love is there or if the idea of what could be and all the promises is what I have been in love with forever.
How do I talk to anyone about this? No one knows. Things are completely different in everyone else's eyes. Would anyone believe me anyway? I feel completely isolated. I am told not to tell anyone.

I really identified with these bits of your post. The lies, the manipulation (intentional or not it feels like it is there), denial, accusations it all rings so true.
And the part about who do you talk with is very hard and a very real issue. I have shared small bits with friends over the years when I am at my wits end and generally no one really believes I am not telling a bit of a fish story and exaggerating, when in fact I was downplaying things. It left me all alone for so many years of suffering through this 'loving home'. Because of that and the general embarrassment of it all I didn't share much with anyone. Now at this point my best friend had seen some of the abuse happening right before his eyes and has become a huge ally in supporting me emotionally. Besides seeing a counselor myself.

 

"I am told not to tell anyone.

By your partner I am guessing? I would highly suggest talking with someone about this. And by being here you are taking that step. But it is your life, how can it be fair to tell you not to share it with anyone?

[KayakerDude]

And as someone that stayed with my uBPDw with my kids and hers it is my main regret now. Whatever I personally chose to put up with, I regret making that choice for my kids (and my step-kids) for them to suffer alongside me.

ForeverDad makes a good point, I wish I had broken my marriage to get my children out of a broken home rather than the living in it I chose.
No that my regrets should drive a choice for YOU, but it is something that I am working through and my guilt/regret with that. Not to mention the harm to my kids and step-kids.