Moving the goalposts

[Depression = 72% of members]

MY BPD husband often accuses me of 'moving the goalposts' and I'm wondering if anyone else here experiences something similar.

It happens when we've been talking about future plans, like vacations or weekends in the future. I always end up saying, "That sounds great, I'd really love to drive the Blue Ridge Parkway. Let's talk about it some more next week." I tell him that I'm not ready to make a decision at that point, and he agrees that we can talk about it again later. I spend some time thinking about it and then a week later, I say, "The Blue Ridge Parkway would be great, but I've always wanted to go to Yosemite. What do you think about that?" and I get an explosion about how selfish I am, how I only ever think about myself and that I'm *always moving the goalposts*.

What I'm thinking now, is that maybe it is him moving the goalposts, not me. We left the conversation agreeing that I wasn't ready to make a decision but I think, in his mind, I've committed to the Blue Ridge Parkway. Meaning that *he* has committed to the Blue Ridge Parkway! So therefore I automatically have too. And then when I demonstrate that I haven't made up my mind yet, he can't tolerate it.

Does this resonate for anyone else here?

[LittleRedBarn]

MY BPD husband often accuses me of 'moving the goalposts' and I'm wondering if anyone else here experiences something similar.

It happens when we've been talking about future plans, like vacations or weekends in the future. I always end up saying, "That sounds great, I'd really love to drive the Blue Ridge Parkway. Let's talk about it some more next week." I tell him that I'm not ready to make a decision at that point, and he agrees that we can talk about it again later. I spend some time thinking about it and then a week later, I say, "The Blue Ridge Parkway would be great, but I've always wanted to go to Yosemite. What do you think about that?" and I get an explosion about how selfish I am, how I only ever think about myself and that I'm *always moving the goalposts*.

What I'm thinking now, is that maybe it is him moving the goalposts, not me. We left the conversation agreeing that I wasn't ready to make a decision but I think, in his mind, I've committed to the Blue Ridge Parkway. Meaning that *he* has committed to the Blue Ridge Parkway! So therefore I automatically have too. And then when I demonstrate that I haven't made up my mind yet, he can't tolerate it.

Does this resonate for anyone else here?

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[thankful person]

hi little red barn and welcome,

i’ve read your last 3 posts and lots of it resonates with me dealing with my dbpdw. i saw that you were disappointed that no one replied initially. it was my observation after three years that a few highly dedicated responders all got burnt out around the same time, many members on here spend hours helping others for years on end and it goes both ways as it’s disappointing when you spend a long time trying to help and the op ignores it. i may not be an expert after three years still but i do my best. my wife is still very high maintenance making finding the time difficult also everyone has busy lives especially with a bpd partner wanting 99.9% of your attention and energy then how do you manage kids and work and family off origin it’s beyond me. sorry i’m rambling. i hope the legal case surrounding your h’s suicide attempt is going as well as possible. yes the validation, i also found that stopping being invalidating made an enormous difference!! even just keeping my mouth shut like not saying, actually you look quite good in that or, actually i’m sure you’ll be fine tomorrow or actually it’s not all as bad as you think!! i get this eternal positivity from my mother and now realise how invalidating she always was and still is towards me!! and yes with the goalposts, i’ve also found my wife has a warped memory and i try to play her at her own game of planting a seed towards her then making a suggestion as though it was her own idea. it’s all a lot of hard work but there is certainly hope for improvement and i wish you all the best with your journey.

[re_search1901]

I would propose a compromise. Make the plans together and book the trips together so your end of the compromise doesn't get thrown out. Go to both places and see if that solution works? Yes, they will accuse you of the very behavior they engage in. You have be strong and set your boundaries and enforce them. Please see the tools and tips section. Using the DEARMAN technique i think could be useful for you.

[LittleRedBarn]

@thankful person

Hi, and thank you so much for this thoughtful response!

It's good to hear that I'm not the only person who feels that their BPD partner demands 99.9% of my time and attention. I am currently living apart from my husband, and we just spent the weekend together. I feel utterly exhausted! I don't know if it's me giving him too much of my energy and attention, or him taking it from me. Probably a bit of both, I'd guess.

And your observation regarding how 'positive' statements can be invalidating is really helpful. Definitely something for me to work on!

[LittleRedBarn]

@re_search 1901

Thank you for this reply and, yes, I'm working on using DEARMAN when I have specific requests that I want to make.

Part of my problem is working out on a deep level exactly what I *do* want. I've spent so many years negating my own wants and desires (this goes back to my childhood but has been made much worse by living with my BPD husband) that I find it really very difficult to know.