The Flying Monkeys Are at it Again!

[zachira]

This week has been a hard one. I have heard from three people who want personal information from me to be able to enable the abuse of me and/or the abuse of other people.

There is my next door neighbor whom I get along with for periods of time and then she behaves so badly I can't stand to be around her. She waits for awhile and then starts trying to get me to be her flying monkey, to do her dirty work in abusing others which I refuse to do. Today I just blew up at her. I have decided there will be no more recycles. I have made it clear to her that I will not enable her in abusing other neighbors and other people.

There is one relative who is my NPD sister's flying monkey. I am no contact with my sister. This relative like several others tries to find out things about me that make it more likely for more abuse to occur. I have made it clear to this relative in an email that I will not give her or anybody else the personal information she is seeking.

The third flying monkey is a con artist who tried to swindle some friends. She contacted me via email. I will not answer the email.

All of this is about my continuing to work on boundaries. I am a way too nice to people who are only able to have transactional relationships. I have more work to do on being such an open book. I am feeling positive about all that has happened, as the better I get, the more I attract genuinely fine people into my life and the less the disordered people want to do with me. Really what I am dealing with now is the fallout from having extremely poor boundaries with the wrong kind of people in the past and in the present trying to be pleasant with these people while they never give up on trying to recruit me into being part of the abuse cycles.

[Methuen]

Really what I am dealing with now is the fallout from having extremely poor boundaries with the wrong kind of people in the past and in the present trying to be pleasant with these people while they never give up on trying to recruit me into being part of the abuse cycles.

I am sorry you are having a hard week Zachira.  What you say about this being fallout from having poor boundaries with these people in the past makes sense. You have changed the game with your new boundaries.  But they don't want the game changed. So they keep pushing and testing them with you, and it's exhausting.

Please be kind to yourself after the blowup with your neighbour.

Not that it's a consolation, but I'm going through a rough time too (both body and mind).  It just seems like nobody understands, and a lot of things are unjust and without foreseeable resolution.  It's very isolating. Maybe we can find some solace in knowing that we're not alone.

[zachira]

Methuen,
Yes, I am struggling with feeling bad after blowing up at my neighbor. I have never had a bad temper and very rarely have meltdowns. I had heard from two of the disordered people and then I heard from my neighbor with NPD for three days in a row. The neighbor is always complaining about other people and never gives anybody credit for their contributions, instead saying she did work she did not do at all. Last year I took care of getting the brush cleared from a nearby lot owned by the county because we were in fire season. The neighbor told me several times last year how she got the brush cleared even though I had kept her informed of the appointment I made with the agency to get it done. On day one, the neighbor called me demanding the number to call to get the brush cleared. I refused to give it to her saying I was in charge of doing this and would take care of it. (I was really mad that she says I did not get the brush cleared last year yet calls to find out who she had to contact to get the job done this year.) The second day she calls me to say she has found a way to get the job done. The third day she calls me to say she has gotten the job done which she had. The day before I overheard her abusing the gardeners whom she is not supposed to have contact with because of how she has abused the workers in the past and the landscaping company has quit. It has taken considerable work to find another company. I found the company we have now. A few months ago, she called me demanding that I boycott all work done by the HOA because she was not getting her way on some unreasonable demands. A few years ago, I woke up finding these workers putting a new door on my house. She had hired these people to do it. I told her to never do that again.

I find myself telling this neighbor no over and over again. The same goes with the other two who never give up pushing my boundaries. It is so exhausting and feels so invalidating. I am planning on telling the neighbor I will not discuss any matters pertaining to the HOA anymore and walk away/hang up on her/not answer her emails when she tries. A few weeks ago I set a boundary with her that I will not listen to her criticize the President of the HOA who has done everything to work with her and given up. He told me yesterday that there is nothing he can do to make her happy.

Thank you for reminding me to be kind to myself. Yes, it does help to feel understood. So many members on PSI are unable to go no contact with the disordered people in their lives. The constant pushing of our boundaries and the unpredictability of what the next round of abuse will look like is overwhelming at times.

I hope you are soon feeling better. I know you are ready for some long needed relief from having to deal with your mother. I am keeping my fingers crossed that things get better sooner rather than later for you.

Thank you for understanding. I am working on getting back to baseline by taking some quiet time to myself today.

[zachira]

Just heard from another flying monkey. I get bombarded with messages from family flying monkeys around this time a year ever since I went no contact with my sister with NPD.. They all want to know my plans for the summer. Since I went no contact with my sister with NPD, I have learned not to divulge my plans to anybody about what I am doing, especially when I will be at the family summer place. For years, I could not understand when I was at the summer place why people were suddenly treating me badly even though we had not had any contact since the previous summer. I since learned my sister is always running a smear campaign against me. The less of my personal information that she has, the safer I am. This year I have answered the emails with: "I don't tell anybody when I will be at the summer place." It does bother me that the flying monkeys act like they want to see me when they are just collecting information for my sister with NPD.

[Methuen]

Just out of curiosity, is your family nearby your summer place?  If I remember right, you are the single owner of this property?

What do you think their goal is for knowing when you are there? 

[zachira]

My family is near the summer place and many come throughout the summer. My NPD sister cannot handle my being around. A lot of the family members are nasty to me because I am a scapegoat and I will not tolerate their abuses of myself or other family members, especially children and the elderly. After refusing to rent my house to the relatives for a Celebration of Life for a family member, I stayed in my house and went to the Celebration of Life because I wanted to. My sister was talking loudly about having to leave early because I was there. I would not think of acting like that because the Celebration of Life is about honoring the deceased person And not about me and my problems with my sister. I am also more mature than my sister and able to handle my emotions after many years of therapy. My sister is still like a small child when it comes to emotional maturity.

Nobody used to inquire when I was going to be in the summer house. Now that I no longer own the house with my sister, she is desperate to know when I will be there. I get all kinds of emails and phone calls from several flying monkeys about when I will be there, which never used to happen. My sister has a big family birthday party for herself every summer, which is either given by her or another relative. She does not want me around for her birthday. My sister has had many big birthday parties, I would say at least 30 maybe more. Her birthday parties used to bother me, until a friend pointed out that it was pretty childlike for her to have a birthday party every year, as if she were still a small child.

[Methuen]

Goodness.

I’m sorry to hear this family is so close to your cottage.  Seems like her and her flying monkeys like to keep the drama going.  Good for you for stepping off that triangle.

I hope “near” means something like 20 min away rather than 2 driveways away.  You’re doing well to not engage or share when you will be there. 

I know you really love this cottage and it is special for you.  I’m glad you have it, and I hope you enjoy a peaceful stay there when you go.

[zachira]

Methuen,
Thank you for your kindness and understanding.

Unfortunately my house is within view of several family houses. My sister wants to rent or be in one of the houses nearby yet not run into me. I can't enable her to be around because of the smear campaign: her telling all the neighbors, long time family friends, and relatives terrible things about me. I am finally building a better relationship with the people in the community and I can't have my sister there when I am not there doing everything she can to ruin my reputation. I have been shocked by the number of emails and phone calls that I never used to get before I went no contact with my NPD sister, demanding to know my schedule for the summer. Thanks for getting it how hard it is to receive these. The person always lies about why they want to know my schedule: saying they want to get together with me, rent my house or something like that. I find the lies to be deceitful, hurtful, and just plain cruel. I have ghosted a relative who called me to determine if I was around at Thanksgiving and who made far too many phone calls trying to get my schedule. I am rarely around at Thanksgiving and can't stay in my house because it is too cold. This relative invited my sister to her house at Thanksgiving and she lives an hour away from my summer house which is not winterized. My sister's paranoia about having me around is over the top. I believe I am the only person to really stand up to her and this make sense as I have always been her main target, her scapegoat for avoiding how she really feels about herself.