"How could you pick something else over me?!"

[usagi]

I honestly don't know anymore what it would mean to fight for her.  That's what I've been doing all along.  I'm quite sure that from her perspective the only thing I could do is give up my hobby and commit all my time to her and her son.  That's not on offer.

Salty Dawg suggested I could take a pause on my hobby.  I'd be willing to do that if there was some substantial change in the relationship but I don't think that will actually happen.  I could try with the understanding that if the dysfunction continues I'd just break up again.  But we've done this dance every three months for a long time.  I'm ready to take a seat.

From her emotional perspective, she feels like I'm cheating on her with my hobby.  How dare I want to spend time doing something that is not with her!  It seems that she's only comfortable with me being away for an hour or so at a time.  She's also made complaints about my work.  There have been a few times where I need to work extra hours because I'm behind or schedules change.  That's not been OK either.  She's said that I need to put up "reasonable boundaries" around my work and hobby.  My interpretation is that means only working 8 hours a day and only spending an hour or so at my hobby at any given time.

I did find a place closer by with a friend from the other place to do my hobby.  That was the plan all along.  I would get that closer and be more available.

I could try to emphasize that again but at this point it seems either I quit completely or she's not available.  This is the boundary she's decided for herself.  I can't change that.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[jaded7]

I honestly don't know anymore what it would mean to fight for her.  That's what I've been doing all along.  I'm quite sure that from her perspective the only thing I could do is give up my hobby and commit all my time to her and her son.  That's not on offer.

Salty Dawg suggested I could take a pause on my hobby.  I'd be willing to do that if there was some substantial change in the relationship but I don't think that will actually happen.  I could try with the understanding that if the dysfunction continues I'd just break up again.  But we've done this dance every three months for a long time.  I'm ready to take a seat.

From her emotional perspective, she feels like I'm cheating on her with my hobby.  How dare I want to spend time doing something that is not with her!  It seems that she's only comfortable with me being away for an hour or so at a time.  She's also made complaints about my work.  There have been a few times where I need to work extra hours because I'm behind or schedules change.  That's not been OK either.  She's said that I need to put up "reasonable boundaries" around my work and hobby.  My interpretation is that means only working 8 hours a day and only spending an hour or so at my hobby at any given time.

I did find a place closer by with a friend from the other place to do my hobby.  That was the plan all along.  I would get that closer and be more available.

I could try to emphasize that again but at this point it seems either I quit completely or she's not available.  This is the boundary she's decided for herself.  I can't change that.

Usagi...I'm in no way telling you to 'run' or 'not run'. Just sharing that this all feels like a treadmill to be on for you. One of the things we see a lot here is that we try to give in to the demands in order to make our partner happy, and that is never enough. Because the feelings aren't related to facts. You're changing the facts of the situation by even considering dropping the hobby, or how you you changed the location of where you do it.The hope is that will soothe her feelings.

 But the well of 'feelings' about your hobby may not change, and if you quit the hobby you are being disrespectfully being controlled and manipulated. And then there will be something else.

[usagi]

Thanks jaded,

I think you are probably right.  I would love for something to give and we get back together but me giving ground on my hobby isn't a good way to get there.

Last time this happened we had a big argument about why I had left the house.  She wouldn't listen to me and instead suggested that I had a victim mentality and should seek help.  I got pretty angry about that.  The arguing continued and I left.  Later that night she Facetimed me crying in bed.  She just kept saying over and over again that I could have whatever I wanted, just please come home.

I was curious if something like that would happen again but so far nothing.  Of course, what happened last time really didn't improve our relationship at all.

All day I've been thinking about this from a different perspective.  Setting aside the questions about my hobby.  Thinking more about the overall negativity I've had to deal with.  I just don't think I want that in my life anymore and I don't think she'll change.  If somehow she offered to go to therapy and put in a real effort I might consider it but otherwise I don't think I can do this anymore.

[jaded7]

Thanks jaded,

I think you are probably right.  I would love for something to give and we get back together but me giving ground on my hobby isn't a good way to get there.

Last time this happened we had a big argument about why I had left the house.  She wouldn't listen to me and instead suggested that I had a victim mentality and should seek help.  I got pretty angry about that.  The arguing continued and I left.  Later that night she Facetimed me crying in bed.  She just kept saying over and over again that I could have whatever I wanted, just please come home.

I was curious if something like that would happen again but so far nothing.  Of course, what happened last time really didn't improve our relationship at all.

All day I've been thinking about this from a different perspective.  Setting aside the questions about my hobby.  Thinking more about the overall negativity I've had to deal with.  I just don't think I want that in my life anymore and I don't think she'll change.  If somehow she offered to go to therapy and put in a real effort I might consider it but otherwise I don't think I can do this anymore.

It's fascinating watching you learn, process, absorb. And recognize that whatever you did last time didn't improve the relationship. That was exactly my point.