Need help with negating avoidant tendencies.

[subwaytune]

Hello all,

I'm in a rough spot looking for help with a friend wBPD. Short backstory, i am learning a lot and trying my best to be a good support for her. We are not in a relationship, but somewhere in between i guess? I am riddled with people pleasing tendencies and trying to reverse that and work on myself and my anxiety. I am also scared of conflicts.

This week she is having a lot of exploding anger and accusing me of being avoidant on purpose. Normally we see each other on certain days but this week I suggested that another day would be better and it was taken as me being avoidant and that I should just say I did not want to see her. This morning I did not send a heart back in chat, and it was taken as me being avoidant. I am well aware of persons wBPD having hyper vigilance and I try my very best to not create shifts, but all that overthinking leads to a lot of anxiety and any amount of justification or explaining on my part just makes things worse. I don't know what to do anymore.

I feel like I will soon enter a discard phase if I don't do anything. I understand why she feels hurt, but at the same time I cannot continue letting her accuse me of doing it on purpose. Any attempt to put a boundary is met with me being accused of being selfish and that "I am just like all the others, run away coward".

I don't know what to do anymore...

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[kells76]

Hi subwaytune;

I'm in a rough spot looking for help with a friend wBPD. Short backstory, i am learning a lot and trying my best to be a good support for her. We are not in a relationship, but somewhere in between i guess? I am riddled with people pleasing tendencies and trying to reverse that and work on myself and my anxiety. I am also scared of conflicts.

Is this the same person as your partner, or a different person? Just want to make sure I'm understanding your situation correctly.

[subwaytune]

Hi Kells,

We are friends from 10+ years and have a sort of situationship for maybe a year. I grew attached but I have no problem staying just friends, or something casual. Although that in itself caused friction as now she thinks I was faking feelings. Common complaint is my lack of passion in my daily life which, fair I agree with her. Im am still looking for my own identity. I believe to be codependent

She was clear from the start she was not looking for a boyfriend since she is working on herself, and I took signs the wrong way and rushed head first. Now i'm trying to find the right balance for us to feel safe, but it is getting incredibly difficult as I feel Like I cannot say anything without triggering a nuclear explosion these days...

Thank you for your time