In shock realizing husband likely has BPD

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I think I’ve been in a bit of a state of shock/disbelief since learning my husband probably has BPD 1.5 weeks ago. My mind has been racing. I’m not staying in this relationship as it has deteriorated too much and we have tried every avenue of help. (I have not told him I think he has BPD at the advice of my therapist, and based on my past experiences, I know better and know exactly how that conversation would go.)

Every single aspect of my life has been affected by his BPD. I’m a shell of the person I once was. I’m recalling events from over the years that all make sense now. My day-to-day life and every decision I make… I don’t know how I couldn’t see it. It is so clear.

My therapist said my husband has been emotionally abusing me (whether he knows it or not…) and I just can’t get past it yet. Did this take a while for anyone else to process??? Any advice on how to slow the mind down? I’ve been in panic mode gathering evidence, taking notes on his behaviour, reading up on BPD, seeking lawyers, processing my life for the last 10 years (since we’ve been together). I feel optimistic one moment and trapped/depressed the next. This disorder is devastating and I’m in disbelief that this is currently my life.

[heritage_pass]

I think I’ve been in a bit of a state of shock/disbelief since learning my husband probably has BPD 1.5 weeks ago. My mind has been racing. I’m not staying in this relationship as it has deteriorated too much and we have tried every avenue of help. (I have not told him I think he has BPD at the advice of my therapist, and based on my past experiences, I know better and know exactly how that conversation would go.)

Every single aspect of my life has been affected by his BPD. I’m a shell of the person I once was. I’m recalling events from over the years that all make sense now. My day-to-day life and every decision I make… I don’t know how I couldn’t see it. It is so clear.

My therapist said my husband has been emotionally abusing me (whether he knows it or not…) and I just can’t get past it yet. Did this take a while for anyone else to process??? Any advice on how to slow the mind down? I’ve been in panic mode gathering evidence, taking notes on his behaviour, reading up on BPD, seeking lawyers, processing my life for the last 10 years (since we’ve been together). I feel optimistic one moment and trapped/depressed the next. This disorder is devastating and I’m in disbelief that this is currently my life.

[Tangled mangled]

I’ve responded to your previous thread. So I’ll just add that it’s earth shattering when it dawns on you how bad things have been.
When I was in the stage your in , I tried some form of counselling and it was validating but not very helpful for dealing with the thoughts racing through my mind. I was in a state of panic and freeze at the same time. I had more clarity of mind when I started taking antidepressants. I was able to take sensible action and take control of my life through the initial stages of filing and packing up to leave.

[EyesUp]

When I connected the dots, I was both overwhelmed by the nature of the b-cluster (limited prospects for therapy with a good chance of success), yet also relieved to finally have a framework that addressed what I’d experienced.

Prior to learning about BPD, I felt like I was dealing with a bunch of puzzle pieces that didn’t fit together. 

After learning about BPD, I felt like I could see the contours and edge pieces well enough to also understand that many of the remaining pieces in the center were unlikely to fit, or at least not in healthy/persistent way…

Accepting this enabled me to move forward in a way that was previously blocked.

As you process things, this community will be here. You’re not alone.

[ForeverDad]

(I have not told him I think he has BPD at the advice of my therapist, and based on my past experiences, I know better and know exactly how that conversation would go.)

Putting a diagnostic label on the behavior is often triggering to the disordered person.  That also may be why so many lawyers and courts seem to avoid specific diagnoses.  (Well, unless it's a famous celebrity trial or murder case.)  Court will essentially say "We don't know either spouse so we will assume both are just bickering until documented otherwise."  (Which is why we try to eventually convince the court we're not the ones causing the problems but the ones proposing solutions.)

My lawyer told me I wasn't an 'expert' trained to diagnose mental illness.  (Even though I was living with my spouse for years and years.)  But of course that didn't stop my lawyer from calling her bats**t crazy.  Court and the professionals surrounding court never did name what drove my ex to do what she did.  After a two year divorce and six years in and out of court afterward for custody and parenting issues, finally a magistrate's decision stated my ex needed counseling but stopped short of ordering it, writing she may not be able to afford it.

That said, my impression is that misbehaving fathers get more consequences in court than misbehaving mothers.  Your experience may vary.

My therapist said my husband has been emotionally abusing me (whether he knows it or not…) and I just can’t get past it yet.

Recovery is not an event, it is a process.  Gift yourself time to recover.  You might too wish to review Grieving our Losses ... Five stages often noted in the Kübler-Ross model are Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance - often back and forth - though of course that is surely not an exhaustive list.

[Joyful Noise]

Perhaps a way to slow down the panic/racing thoughts you are describing is to remind yourself that what you are now going through isn't an "emergency". This has been in your life for a decade. You are only getting clarity on it now; putting words and labels to it.  -I do understand the shock of the realization though.  Give yourself the gift of calm. You are on your way to a better place.

[Gerda]

I've been seeing my current therapist for a little over a year. She told me my husband probably has BPD during our first session!

Frankly, I wasn't that surprised. I've had past therapists tell my me my mother probably has BPD, and I had already been noticing some similar behaviors in my husband. My current therapist thinks my mother made BPD type behaviors seem normal to me, so at first I didn't think they were a problem when my husband did them too.

Basically, I felt like I got the biopsy results from a mysterious lump that I was already suspicious about, and they confirmed that yes, it is cancer. I got a horrible sinking feeling in my stomach, but part of me was still like, "oh yes, of course."

It's certainly not happy news, but at least now we know what's really going on. That's much better than staying confused by their behavior for years and years.

[jaded7]

I think I’ve been in a bit of a state of shock/disbelief since learning my husband probably has BPD 1.5 weeks ago. My mind has been racing. I’m not staying in this relationship as it has deteriorated too much and we have tried every avenue of help. (I have not told him I think he has BPD at the advice of my therapist, and based on my past experiences, I know better and know exactly how that conversation would go.)

Every single aspect of my life has been affected by his BPD. I’m a shell of the person I once was. I’m recalling events from over the years that all make sense now. My day-to-day life and every decision I make… I don’t know how I couldn’t see it. It is so clear.

My therapist said my husband has been emotionally abusing me (whether he knows it or not…) and I just can’t get past it yet. Did this take a while for anyone else to process??? Any advice on how to slow the mind down? I’ve been in panic mode gathering evidence, taking notes on his behaviour, reading up on BPD, seeking lawyers, processing my life for the last 10 years (since we’ve been together). I feel optimistic one moment and trapped/depressed the next. This disorder is devastating and I’m in disbelief that this is currently my life.

I had a therapist tell me that my ex was VERY abusive, and I've read many articles and seen many videos that confirms her behavior is abusive.

It's a funny thing to wrap your head around, isn't it? For me, I love this person and really, really wanted her to be happy. And I would make excuses for the name-calling and put-downs, the yelling and belittling. Along the lines of she must be very stressed, or she must really love me to get this mad at me, she must really care. She certainly wasn't an abuser.

She's just a tiny, small woman. She can't be abusive to a tall, strong man.

This is something to work on ourselves, the tendency to accept this and even blame ourselves for the behaviors.

This tendency to try to understand, and blame ourselves, then get us into long periods of time when we are confused.

Last night I was thinking about what a shell of a person I became when in the relationship with her. I totally just allowed her to not respond for days and days to calls or texts. I allowed her to explode at me and yell at me, for things that made no sense. I just accepted that she'd go away for weekends with friends at her family's beautiful vacation home and not invite me, or go camping with friends and not invite me. I accepted when she would put my interests or skills down, or tell me she was going to visit her ex bf on a weeks-long vacation, while I watched her dog for free saving her $700 in boarding. I accepted when she and I made plans and she'd just 'forget' about them, or cancel last second. All while telling me I ruined and entire summer by canceling plans.

And then, at the end, when she told me she now needed to 'grieve what we had', after she had just evaded and avoided me for 12 days and left for Christmas at her family's place without even speaking to me, I took it as I had hurt her. It was my fault.

I prided myself on not responding in a way that would make me look jealous, envious, hurt. I thought that made me look strong in her eyes. Now looking back I'm amazed that I allowed these things, and wonder why I did it. I was very much a shell of myself.

I can totally understand the shock and confusion and hurt, and hope everyone here can support you.

[PeteWitsend]

...Did this take a while for anyone else to process??? Any advice on how to slow the mind down? I’ve been in panic mode gathering evidence, taking notes on his behaviour, reading up on BPD, seeking lawyers, processing my life for the last 10 years (since we’ve been together). ...

It took me a bit.  I first learned about BPD - I didn't even know what it was at first, and thought people were telling me about Bipolar Disorder - and it was still roughly three (3) years before I got divorced.  But I had a young daughter and wanted to try to make it work for her sake, or at least tough it out until she was old enough that I knew she could call me if she had to, or if things were bad at her mom's house.

To calm yourself down, look at the situation from above: you've managed to survive this for ten (10) years already.  A bit more time isn't going to matter.  Don't let a potential diagnosis turn your life upside down.  

Read about BPD to learn more about it on your own.  Do not let your partner know about it if you can avoid this.  The advice not to tell your partner is correct; they'll only deny it, and very likely claim you are the one who has BPD.  If they go to therapy themselves, they'll almost certainly use it as an opportunity to bad mouth you and validate their own feelings that they would be better if you just started behaving better.

If you plan on leaving, remember that's a big step, but you can take small steps to make it easier.  

Some examples:

1) Get legal advice (I paid an attorney for an hour consultation explaining my legal rights and the likely outcome of divorce in terms of property division and child custody about a year before I actually filed).  

2) You can also take some steps to lessen the potential harm or difficulty of moving out, or forcing your partner to move.  I had rented a storage space and gradually moved a lot of personal possessions & family heirlooms out of the house without BPDxw noticing, because she had made threats to destroy my things and I had caught her throwing things of mine out before.  This made eventually moving out & filing for divorce a lot easier.  

3) get a secret bank account - I actually did this on the advice of my attorney, who said a court wouldn't look on this unfavorably since I wasn't trying to hide money, and would disclose it during the divorce, I was just protecting myself.  BPDxw had made threats of taking all our money and withdrawing it to keep me from leaving her.  Didn't work!

Good luck, and stay calm.  Remember, the world isn't ending; nothing physically changed; you just put a name on a problem you've been experiencing.  

[PeteWitsend]

To be clear, I'm just giving you some examples I did.  Laws may be different where you are; talk to an attorney first, before you do anything such as opening a separate bank account.

[ForeverDad]

It's a funny thing to wrap your head around, isn't it? ... She's just a tiny, small woman. She can't be abusive to a tall, strong man.

That concept, that a larger man by sheer size alone could indicate who the problem person is, is a strategy my ex's attorney tried in court.

One of her lawyer's first attempts were to cast me as a controller.  He started with whether I was larger than my spouse.  (Duh, we're both larger than our preschooler, so what?)  He next question was a trick one.  Do I want her back?  I replied, not the way she is.  Good thing I said that or otherwise he might have turned to the magistrate and claim, "See?  He wants to control her again!"

Sure we all wanted our spouse back — fixed of course — nothing wrong with that... except that opens up claims we are controllers, abusers, whatever.  Let the problem person go.  Just like we'd not try to hold onto a snapping turtle, far too much danger.

Remember the story of the scorpion and the frog crossing the stream?  Once across, scorpion stings the frog, saying, "You knew what I was and what I do."

[Cat Familiar]

I think the most difficult concept I grappled with (and I’m in a different situation as I’m choosing to stay with my husband) is that he will never change. I kept hoping that he would have an epiphany and someday come to understand how his behavior has impacted me.

But the reality is, though he’s much less destructive/difficult than many partners described here (and my previous husband who was a Cluster B on steroids!), there is little to no hope of him ever developing the type of empathy and understanding that an emotionally healthy person would have.

So, as others have stated, it’s time to make friends with your grief and the loss of the potential relationship you thought was possible. It’s only through feeling these devastating feelings that we get through to a point of emotional clarity and can come to terms with radical acceptance.

[ForeverDad]

Back to romance... I've recently read romance novels, mostly Regency historical novels... Now and then I've come across quotable quotes that I or others have stated here.  Either these authors have been around the block a few times or they've some mental health education exposure.

Manda Collins, "How to Romance a Rake", chapter 2
"I do not think you are imagining things at all," Alec said. "In fact, I have come to believe over time that when one experiences feelings of unease there is often a very good reason for it."