My Mom and my best friend have BPD

[BestBPD]

Hello!
I am so happy to have found this community! I have know for years that my mom has BPD and I have been in therapy for a long time. Ultimately, I decided that it was not healthy to continue a relationship with my mom, and I haven't spoken to her or had a relationship with her in years.

I am now discovering ( or finally starting to admit) that my best friend who is considered family and a sister of 26 years, also has many BPD traits. My therapist has told me for years that this is probably true, but I have not been able to admit it. Some recent events have taken place that I now really know this to be true. I am so scared for my relationship to change and be less than the sister like relationship that I have with my best friend that I have not been willing to admit it or work on it till now. I love her so much and I am so afraid of losing her.

My father is also a recovering alcoholic and addict. The problems with my best friend have been amplified because her son is also an alcoholic. He is struggling in alcoholism, and the family is in turmoil. She is taking this out on me. Her BPD traits have come to a head and she is treating me terrible currently, She is lashing out in anger, saying mean things, she has excluded me from the family, she has hurt me by telling me that she doesn't want to speak to me and that my family is not welcome to come to family events because it will overwhelm her alcoholic son. Basically, I was on the inside of the circle, now I am on the outside of the circle. She keeps changing the rules of the game or engagement so that I don't know what the rules are and I keep making mistakes.

All of these things have made me realize that these are BPD traits and I am ready to change my actions and reactions in this relationship. I have started working through the "Walking on Eggshells" workbook. I would love some validation and words of encouragement. I am so tired of always feeling like I am the one in the wrong. I don't have a relationship with my mom. I am not willing to lose this relationship with my best friend, but I cannot stay in this state of constant hurt feelings and confusion. I would love any and all advice, encouragement and just comments to help not feel so alone.

[Notwendy]

You aren't alone! It's not unusual for someone who has a parent with BPD to also have other connections with pwBPD- friend, partner. Growing up, it's our sense of "normal"- these connections feel familiar, even if they are with people who have a disorder.

I have spent some time in ACA groups- and what is interesting is that the family dynamics where a parent has alcoholism are similar to those where a parent has BPD, so much that this group can be helpful for both. Children who grow up with these dynamics may find themselves repeating them in their relationships as adults. Once we become aware of this, we can learn new behaviors so as to not repeat these patterns. It may take some time and practice to change what seems familiar to us.

A relationship with a disordered person is a choice- albeit a possible difficult one if we care about that person, as you care about your friend. For some of us here, that person is a family member. I have an elderly mother with BPD. Our relationship is limited by her BPD. She can be emotionally and verbally abusive. To be in a relationship means possibly experiencing this. I don't think we are obligated to allow anyone to be abusive to us. So it becomes a choice. I don't choose to have no contact with her so I need to be able to manage some contact and how much of it while not tolerating/enabling abusive behavior. I have to have boundaries.

Boundaries are what we decide for ourselves. It's not about how the other person should act. They are going to do what they decide to do. A boundary isn't "BPD mother will not say mean things to me" but "what do I do when/if she says mean things" and then have a plan- I will get off the phone, excuse myself from the conversation.

At this time, you are choosing to stay in a relationship with your friend with BPD. At any point, you can make another choice but you want to be friends. However this friend is acting in ways that are hurtful to you. For one, her actions are about her, not you. If we consider that BPD behaviors are coping mechanisms, they are increasing at a time that is stressful for her. On the other hand, you do not have to tolerate abusive or hurtful behavior. She keeps "changing the rules"- you don't have to play.

These behaviors are often cyclic. You are on the "out" now but at one point, you may be on the "in". These are her feelings- and you can't change how someone thinks and feels. At some point you will need to decide/choose- to what extent is is worth it to you to be in this situation. You care about your friend but your care and love can not change that she has BPD.

You don't have to decide about keeping or letting go of the friendship at this time- you can choose to learn about BPD and how to have your own boundaries with her. I think for many people, they want to feel they tried to maintain a relationship with a significant person. BPD may limit the kind of relationship you have with this friend- but you may need to see what those limits are for you.

[BPDstinks]

As usual, it is UNREAL that other people have the SAME issues...my daughter was diagnosed with BPD & about a year ago, my granddaughter's mother told me SHE was diagnosed with BPD (between the 2 of them, i am even more overwhelmed) my daughter does not speak to anyone in our family (other than an occasional text) however, granddaughters mom (of NO relation to me) must call me 5x a day and her mood will change (you can almost feel it in the "air") in minutes....through the years we have been together, i have dealt with her screaming, crying, etc. I thought, "how in the WORLD would i have such bad luck!) it is maddening

[Notwendy]

It can feel like bad luck but it's not uncommon. If there's a disordered person in a family- that can affect the behaviors in the entire family.  Having spent time in ACA groups, it's been said that these family dynamics can be intergenerational. If a child grows up with them, they may feel a sense of familiarity with similar people. Being aware of this and working on changing our own behavior can help "break the cycle". Blame doesn't apply here- people act according to what they know at the time. It's their "normal".

While there is a genetic connection, it's not an apparent predictable one like some other traits. It may also be a combination of genetics and vulnerability. Some people with BPD have a history of trauma. No place for blame here either as one can not control the gene pool.

Who we are attracted to or who we attract is mostly unconscious and it is influenced by our family of origin. Someone might be initially attracted to someone with BPD but then doesn't feel a "fit" and the relationship won't continue. If interacting with someone with BPD feels familiar somehow, it might.

It then makes sense that if there's a family member with BPD- other family members may pair up with, or become close friends with other people with BPD.