4 years out of BPD relationship, still feel anger and resentment

[Frozenimages]

I lost my other account, Frankee, so continuing on here.  It's been 4 years since I left my ex husband with BPD.  The courts ordered us to use AppClose which is a court monitored texting. 

Recently my ex wrote "I guess we can go back to court and have the protection order removed, if that's what I have to do to get you to work with me then I guess that's what we'll do".  This is because I have a lifetime PO and my sons have it until they are 18.  He also has a DV charged against me and a twice convicted felon. One more strike and it's life.  Then proceeded to tell me "I would rather convince you your not in danger and that I want to work with you".  I feel any sane judge would see that with his track record that he is not a safe person.

I left him 4 years ago.  When he says things like this, it makes me feel like he's trying to pull me back into our dance we use to do.  He would act like an insane, vile, monster.. then when he realizes he's losing ground, would switch it up and act innocent and promises to do better.  I spent so many years accepting his promises and bending my will to accommodate his demands. 

What terrifies me the most is having to see him face to face without a supervisor.  Once he completes the supervised visit successfully, we move to meeting just the two of us.  The thought of even being in the same area as him, makes me physically ill.  It makes the pit of my stomach feel like I'm going to throw up and it makes my heart race like I'm going into fight or flight mode.  These are physical reactions I can't control.

I thought I was over this feelings, but I know it's only because distance has been put between us.  Does anyone have suggestions on how to deal better when he says things like that?  Or the feeling I get when he is nearby?

I've been trying to handle this on my own, but I feel like if I don't share the problem, I will end up breaking down.

[PeteWitsend]

That's really awful and I'm sorry you're going through this.

He's just threatening to go to court to lift the protective order though, right? 

What do you think he hopes to gain? 

[ForeverDad]

I wonder if your doctor could determine whether this med could be helpful for your tension, I suspect you're reliving your past abuse, still sensitive to it.  One of my acquaintances is a stressed Vietnam War veteran, mostly homebound, and he's on a med that apparently contains the below drug.  Here is a small excerpt from a post.  (I am not a doctor, of course.  I don't know everything, but I do try to know a little bit about everything.)

On 11/26/2006 the program 60 Minutes had a segment The Memory Pill concerning the use of a heart medication, propranolol, to lessen the traumatic memories associated with PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder).  Currently it is in early testing stages.  Research indicates adrenaline causes memories to be stored more strongly and propranolol lessens the effects of adrenaline, moderating strong memories.

[Frozenimages]

That's really awful and I'm sorry you're going through this.

He's just threatening to go to court to lift the protective order though, right? 

What do you think he hopes to gain? 

He states it's to get me to "work" with him to allow him to have a better relationship with our son.  He wants to be able to coparent, have more contact with our son, claims neither one of us are in danger and he is pretty sure he can convince the courts to drop at least our son's PO.

I feel he is saying all of this to scare me to agree to drop the PO because he's done this act before when he knows the only way to get his way is trying to manipulate me.  When it doesn't work, he flips and become aggressive.

[Frozenimages]

I wonder if your doctor could determine whether this med could be helpful for your tension, I suspect you're reliving your past abuse, still sensitive to it.  One of my acquaintances is a stressed Vietnam War veteran, mostly homebound, and he's on a med that apparently contains the below drug.  Here is a small excerpt from a post.  (I am not a doctor, of course.  I don't know everything, but I do try to know a little bit about everything.)

The crazy part is I'm absolutely fine when I'm no where near him or communicating with him.  It's only when I have to face him or reply to messages, then I feel that severe anxiety.

I talked to the nearby police dept.  I told them my story and they think it's weird that I need to meet with him to exchange our son when the supervised visits are over, since I have a lifetime PO.  They suggested I reach out to the people that helped me with the PO or the courts to get it revised to have us meet at a police station.  They also told me they would be able to have the exchange at their police station or have an officer present.

[ForeverDad]

Before I read your first post a few extra times, I was preparing this response:

The police are right.  A PO sets restrictions on the other person, he cannot approach within a certain distance, not even for a child exchange... unless there is an Officer of the Court present.  I know that police fit that description.

Many here, myself included, made child exchanges at the local police station or sheriff's offices.  I did it for years.  It wasn't at a convenient location but I didn't regret having to make that extra effort.  It was worth it.

What terrifies me the most is having to see him face to face without a supervisor.  Once he completes the supervised visit successfully, we move to meeting just the two of us.

But now I see that he's expecting some time with you after his supervised time.  Why can't you just say No?  The court granted you protection.  I assume it includes a distance restriction.  You are under no obligation to sabotage your own protection order.

I can understand it's scary that you feel under such pressure or manipulation.  But the order is on your side.  Can you practice texting back something like this, using the court ordered app, "I cannot allow myself to go against my protection order.  It was done by the court as a reasonable measure to protect me and I cannot sabotage myself.  Our adult relationship is over.  That will not change.  All that remains is your contact or visits with the children as structured by the court."

I get the sense that he has been attempting pressure or manipulation (guilting you) or even a bit of intimidation?

[jaded7]

Recently my ex wrote "I guess we can go back to court and have the protection order removed, if that's what I have to do to get you to work with me then I guess that's what we'll do".  This is because I have a lifetime PO and my sons have it until they are 18.  He also has a DV charged against me and a twice convicted felon. One more strike and it's life.  Then proceeded to tell me "I would rather convince you your not in danger and that I want to work with you".  I feel any sane judge would see that with his track record that he is not a safe person.

I left him 4 years ago.  When he says things like this, it makes me feel like he's trying to pull me back into our dance we use to do.  He would act like an insane, vile, monster.. then when he realizes he's losing ground, would switch it up and act innocent and promises to do better.  I spent so many years accepting his promises and bending my will to accommodate his demands. 

What terrifies me the most is having to see him face to face without a supervisor.  Once he completes the supervised visit successfully, we move to meeting just the two of us.  The thought of even being in the same area as him, makes me physically ill.  It makes the pit of my stomach feel like I'm going to throw up and it makes my heart race like I'm going into fight or flight mode.  These are physical reactions I can't control.

I thought I was over this feelings, but I know it's only because distance has been put between us.  Does anyone have suggestions on how to deal better when he says things like that?  Or the feeling I get when he is nearby?

I've been trying to handle this on my own, but I feel like if I don't share the problem, I will end up breaking down.

"I guess we can go back to court and have the protection order removed, if that's what I have to do to get you to work with me then I guess that's what we'll do".  This is because I have a lifetime PO and my sons have it until they are 18.  He also has a DV charged against me and a twice convicted felon. One more strike and it's life.  Then proceeded to tell me "I would rather convince you your not in danger and that I want to work with you".  I feel any sane judge would see that with his track record that he is not a safe person."

Any sane person or judge would see his track record Frankee. He knows that too, which is why he's threatening you to change the agreement. The threat is 'I'm going to take you to court', which he knows will be distressing for you and will force you to deal with him more than you want to. And when he says "I would rather convince you..." he's showing what I see to be very manipulative and self-centered behavior. HE wants something, he just threatened you with stress and court fees, but then says "I want to to work with you" thus 'pulling out the rug' of the threat, and making it seem like the better option is to work with him. This is manipulative.

You are right to have your feelings about him. Your experience with him was traumatic, that trauma lives on in our body, ready to come out again when situations arise similar to the original trauma.

[PeteWitsend]

He states it's to get me to "work" with him to allow him to have a better relationship with our son.  He wants to be able to coparent, have more contact with our son, claims neither one of us are in danger and he is pretty sure he can convince the courts to drop at least our son's PO.

I feel he is saying all of this to scare me to agree to drop the PO because he's done this act before when he knows the only way to get his way is trying to manipulate me.  When it doesn't work, he flips and become aggressive.

This is an unfortunate situation.  I suppose you can consider your options of telling him "No," - nicely to disarm him, but firmly, or not even responding because you're not under any obligation to do so.

Do you think he'd actually file?  I might talk to an attorney to see what sort of claims he could even make.  I assume he has to present evidence showing a change in circumstances that would justify altering the existing orders.  Was there anything in the order he could objectively do to change his situation?  E.g. complete probation, complete counseling, etc.?

[Joyful Noise]

Just no.  ~Listen to your gut.  Listen to your whole Being telling you this is not a safe situation for you!

Getting a lifetime PO is no small feat. And your relinquishing that legal protection  b/c HE is asking you to will make it next to impossible to get it put back in place by the courts when it goes South.

I was told by law enforcement to expect the perp in my life to continue to contact me throughout my life; "It's what these people do."  They counseled me to never let my guard down (I share my life with a couple of working-line German Shepherds as a result of this person's persistence).   -And sure enough, twenty years later he called me. The instant I heard that voice I physically responded as you have described.  Without missing a beat, I said I would be reporting his call to the police.

You have been given the GIFT of legal protection that he is respecting.
WHY would you hand that over at HIS request?