Not coping at all, any input appreciated

[Bora77]

Hello all
I'll try to keep this as short as I can as I'm sure you've all heard a million stories about the kind of stuff I've been going through with my wife. Basically, her abuse has escalated so much over the past few months that I'm becoming afraid for my safety. At the same time she keeps threatening to either hurt herself or contact the police and accuse me of domestic violence and sexual assault if I leave. Last night she came at me with a knife so frenziedly that she actually stabbed herself in the leg in the process, then demanded that I leave the house or she would say that I'd done it. Then she called me and threatened suicide until I came back. I helped her clean up and bandage her leg and she seemed quite calm for a while but then she turned on me again. She told me to go and commit suicide, that she hoped my family died etc. before kicking me out of the house at around 4am by calling the emergency services and saying she would accuse me of sexual assault unless I left. I came back after she'd fallen asleep but I have no idea what to do next. This has been a recurring pattern for a while but it's getting worse and worse. I genuinely don't know if she understands that she attacked me and not the other way around. Things seem to have progressed from manipulation and antagonism to full-blown delusion, it's as if she doesn't remember things she did five minutes ago. She seems to be caught in a loop of forcing me to leave, then believing I chose to abandon her and reacting with ever more extreme abuse.
I haven't been able to stay at home for more than two nights in a row for weeks, I'm constantly covered in cuts and bruises and I'm barely holding on to my job because things are so chaotic. My own mental health is completely disintegrating and I've begun using drugs in secret again after six years in recovery because I can't cope with what's happening. I don't have any friends anymore and nobody in my family knows about any of this because I've been too ashamed to admit what I'm tolerating and haven't wanted them to think badly of her.
I really don't know what to do. It's not a matter of just hating her or thinking she's a bad person, I'd give anything to find a way forward. I still love her very much for the person I see in her when she's calm, but I can't carry on this way. I've been seriously considering taking my own life for a while and I just don't see any good way out of this for either of us. I know the standard advice is basically 'run and never look back' but what if I'm worried for our safety if I do?

[jaded7]

Hello all
I'll try to keep this as short as I can as I'm sure you've all heard a million stories about the kind of stuff I've been going through with my wife. Basically, her abuse has escalated so much over the past few months that I'm becoming afraid for my safety. At the same time she keeps threatening to either hurt herself or contact the police and accuse me of domestic violence and sexual assault if I leave. Last night she came at me with a knife so frenziedly that she actually stabbed herself in the leg in the process, then demanded that I leave the house or she would say that I'd done it. Then she called me and threatened suicide until I came back. I helped her clean up and bandage her leg and she seemed quite calm for a while but then she turned on me again. She told me to go and commit suicide, that she hoped my family died etc. before kicking me out of the house at around 4am by calling the emergency services and saying she would accuse me of sexual assault unless I left. I came back after she'd fallen asleep but I have no idea what to do next. This has been a recurring pattern for a while but it's getting worse and worse. I genuinely don't know if she understands that she attacked me and not the other way around. Things seem to have progressed from manipulation and antagonism to full-blown delusion, it's as if she doesn't remember things she did five minutes ago. She seems to be caught in a loop of forcing me to leave, then believing I chose to abandon her and reacting with ever more extreme abuse.
I haven't been able to stay at home for more than two nights in a row for weeks, I'm constantly covered in cuts and bruises and I'm barely holding on to my job because things are so chaotic. My own mental health is completely disintegrating and I've begun using drugs in secret again after six years in recovery because I can't cope with what's happening. I don't have any friends anymore and nobody in my family knows about any of this because I've been too ashamed to admit what I'm tolerating and haven't wanted them to think badly of her.
I really don't know what to do. It's not a matter of just hating her or thinking she's a bad person, I'd give anything to find a way forward. I still love her very much for the person I see in her when she's calm, but I can't carry on this way. I've been seriously considering taking my own life for a while and I just don't see any good way out of this for either of us. I know the standard advice is basically 'run and never look back' but what if I'm worried for our safety if I do?

Bora this sounds like a very difficult situation. Very difficult to cope with all of that.

About you, not her, right now. You can't deal with the situation with her without getting into a better place yourself. You say you started using again. Do you have a recovery group you can attend and tap in to? That would be a great place where you can find some support among people who understand. We here understand the issues with the behaviors, and have been there ourselves. So you would have two different groups that understand.

[kells76]

Hi Bora77, I want to join in with jaded7 to welcome you to the group.

Anyone would be at their limits in a situation like yours; I'm so sorry you've been under that level of stress for so long.

It's a good sign that you were able to reach out for some support -- it means that at some level, you know you're worth caring about, and it also means that you have been able to carve out a little space in your life that's private and just for you.

It sounds like you're employed; do you work outside the house? Somewhere with a phone, or somewhere where you could sit in your car and use a cell phone?

A couple of months ago I called our local DV hotline for the first time in my life (because of something my husband's kids told us about their mom's house). I sat in my car on my lunch break at work and made the call.

They were very understanding about the complexity of the situation. They are nonjudgmental and can help you get some ideas about what to do. You are in control when you call a DV hotline; you can take or not take any of their advice, and you can keep talking for as long or short as you want to.

The national hotline number is 1-800-799-7233 for calls, or text START to 88788 if you're more comfortable texting.

It's free -- I wonder if you could do that, and then let us know how it goes?

[ForeverDad]

Have you recordings of all she's been doing and threatening.  There are two ways to handle threats to demand your compliance or she accuses you.

(1) Appease her every time since you didn't document the reality of who did or did not do what.  Not a long term solution.

(2) Realize the relationship is becoming more and more dysfunctional and dangerous. Take steps to protect yourself from unsubstantiated claims.  At this point it's your word against hers and likely police and authorities will default to protecting the professed victim, the female.  How to prove you're not abusing her?

I recorded myself when I became aware my then-spouse was ramping up her emotions into an rant & rage fest.  At one point - this was before smart phones - I was using 3 digital recorders.  As I've described my approach in recent years... I recorded so I could prove I wasn't the aggressive person nor was I the one with poor behaviors.  And if she got recorded during a rage or making threats, oops, so be it, I was protecting myself.

The longer you remain in proximity to her, the worse it will get and the more danger for you.  Do you have an exit strategy, not just exit during a ragefest, but also exit the relationship?

As for the future dangers... the reality is you can't live her life for her.  Nor can you "fix" her, she would have to be determined to do that for herself.  Nor can you adequately protect her from herself.

Do you share children together?  Is that one of the reasons you find it so hard to leave and protect yourself?

[Turkish]

Bora77,

Running can be an option to remove yourself from immediate danger, but it's not a long term solution. You have a life with her and and home. I encourage you to come up with a safety plan.

https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/safety-first-dv-1.pdf

I'm sorry that you're going through this, but we will support you here. Even so, local resources are good, especially talking to a love voice. As kells76 suggested, reach out,  and/or to local DV resources. Calls are anonymous, and people are trained to help and also just listen n

You're at an impass... talking to an emaptheic voice can help.  Can you let us know?

[livednlearned]

I just don't see any good way out of this for either of us.

Getting some sunlight on your situation is how to turn corners. You let a little in here, by reaching out to us.

 

My family needed a team of professionals and it took a minute but eventually bit by bit we got healthy even though it ended in divorce. We are better for each other when we're not together.

You can do it, and you need to let people in who care. Most of the people who cared about my family had a reason in their own life for wanting to help. It was new for me to reach out and let people see what a mess our family was but I'm grateful I did it.

Keep posting. It really does help.