Am I the abusive one

[Confused728]

Not sure if I want to get into all the details of our fighting but it has gotten bad over the last couple of months. Now I’m being labeled the narcissist, emotionally and verbally abusive, and gaslighting. I’m just so confused because I feel like I’m going crazy and that my spouse is projecting it on to me. I feel like I’m the abused one and I just don’t know what to believe.

Maybe I am the abusive one…but I really don’t think so.

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[kells76]

Hi Confused728;

Are the two of you still trying to do marriage counseling? It can be typical for the T to meet with each spouse individually, too, during MC, as well as together. I wonder if you could request an individual session -- that would be a normal thing to do. It would give you a chance to get feedback from the T about your concerns.

Did the fighting start to escalate when MC started? Or do you think it was related to something else (or nothing specific, it just started to escalate)?

[mugsydublin]

In my experience, communication with a BPD often flips the script so that the partner is the one who is meant to feel responsible for the abuse, either because they "deserve it" or because they are being held to standards that the BPD is not held to. The BPD can rage, but if the partner shows any anger, it is labelled as abusive.

Can you stop and think through one of your arguments? Did you do any of the following? Blame, condescend, criticize, gaslight, humiliate, call names, ridicule, or threaten? (Note that setting a boundary is not actually threatening, but you may be told that it is.)

IMO, if you are engaging in an argument, but are not calling names, not trying to humiliate, not ridiculing, etc. then it is possible that you legitimate communication is being labelled as abusive when it is not.

Sometimes when you are defending yourself from a BPD attack, the BPD sees that defense as extremely hostile.

Again, in my experience.

[jaded7]

In my experience, communication with a BPD often flips the script so that the partner is the one who is meant to feel responsible for the abuse, either because they "deserve it" or because they are being held to standards that the BPD is not held to. The BPD can rage, but if the partner shows any anger, it is labelled as abusive.

Can you stop and think through one of your arguments? Did you do any of the following? Blame, condescend, criticize, gaslight, humiliate, call names, ridicule, or threaten? (Note that setting a boundary is not actually threatening, but you may be told that it is.)

IMO, if you are engaging in an argument, but are not calling names, not trying to humiliate, not ridiculing, etc. then it is possible that you legitimate communication is being labelled as abusive when it is not.

Sometimes when you are defending yourself from a BPD attack, the BPD sees that defense as extremely hostile.

Again, in my experience.

I've read a lot about this dynamic. The abused one gets pushed to the point where they react in such a way that the abusive partner calls you abusive. Even when you weren't.

In my experience, although I wasn't called 'abusive' by the my ex, at least to my face (thank goodness, but I have no idea what she has told other people and I know that she will tell others lies about me and what I did) and I never called her names or yelled or put her down, all the things she did to me, she would accuse me of being 'flooded' when she in fact was extremely angry and energized. It was projection, and confusing.

[mugsydublin]

My therapist has warned me to leave the situation immediately if things get physical. A BPD may be striking her (or his) partner, and the partner may be the one arrested for domestic violence.

In my first BPD marriage (sadly, I'm in another one), I read a lot of books about domestic violence and I made sure to take all of my things out of the house when my wife was not home (when I left her) because I feared a physical confrontation from her that would put me at risk of harm, and any effort to avoid being struck would be spun into violence from me.

As my therapist said, if the cops show up, you are the one they will probably arrest.

[kells76]

My therapist has warned me to leave the situation immediately if things get physical. A BPD may be striking her (or his) partner, and the partner may be the one arrested for domestic violence.

In my first BPD marriage (sadly, I'm in another one), I read a lot of books about domestic violence and I made sure to take all of my things out of the house when my wife was not home (when I left her) because I feared a physical confrontation from her that would put me at risk of harm, and any effort to avoid being struck would be spun into violence from me.

As my therapist said, if the cops show up, you are the one they will probably arrest.

This brings up a good discussion point, thanks for sharing from your experience with the group.

Each situation is unique. Following your own personal T's advice is wise -- it's good that your T has eyes on your dynamic and can give guidance 

Leaving is one option on the table. There can be a lot of options on the table in high conflict, volatile situations. When children are involved, that raises the stakes for being thoughtful and in WiseMind (balancing our thoughts with our feelings) about what we do.

BPDfamily.com never advocates sticking around to receive abuse/violence. We do advocate following DV-informed safety plans, which can encompass any number of approaches to stay safe while remaining in a relationship, considering leaving or staying, or actively leaving. "Not sticking around" can look a lot of different ways: leaving the conversation, leaving the room, leaving the house, up through leaving the relationship. There's no one-size-fits-all solution -- these are difficult situations.

We're on the Bettering board, so we can all put our heads together to learn and share safety-informed ideas for moving forward effectively in these really difficult circumstances.

Glad everyone is chiming in to share thoughts -- it's the strength of the group.

[LittleRedBarn]

I was accused of blaming, manipulating, lying, putting my BPD husband down (belittling) and many other things consistently for ten years until I came to believe that all of it was true.

Things only changed when I was arrested on a felony charge and a Protective Order was brought against me. This was not for physical violence but for emotional manipulation (coercive control). I got myself a good attorney and an excellent therapist and finally realized that I was not the one doing all these things.

I only wish that I'd heard of BPD sooner, found this board, read the 'Walking on Eggshells' and 'Stop Caretaking' books and watched Coach Ken much, much earlier. Relationships with people with BPD can get seriously out of hand if we don't act as the adult and take responsibility for our own parts in the dynamic.

Once I started setting boundaries and getting on with my life, things have definitely started to get less crazy-making.

[Confused728]

Thank you everyone. It helps knowing I’m not alone. Yes we are still trying MC so that is a great idea of individual sessions. Only if he goes for it because he has been worried about what I tell others when he isn’t around.

Also I really don’t think I have been belittling or name calling or yelling of the sort. He just tells me that I’m gaslighting him and that I’m rude or hateful.

[DogLoverMom]

It definitely does seem to fit the description of BPD behavior. I am new here and to my knowledge my husband hasn't been officially diagnosed yet, but the symptoms are all there.
While accusing me of being the one with BPD or definitely having some type of mental disorder, he said I was putting a diagnosis on him he wasn't sure if he had yet. But according to him, I was being abusive, gaslighting, neglectful and emotionally abandoning him. I needed space after he got upset at me half-listening to him. I had just gotten home from a 10 hour shift and was half listening to him complain about our kids being lazy and lying for 20 minutes, while taking care of our new puppy. But, he didn't yell and went for a drive to cool off, but had a lot to say (calmly) when he got back. I needed a break and was having an emotional breakdown (I am grieving the potential diagnosis and all the pain his symptoms and behavior has caused the last 20 years). He thinks my reaction was overboard and that him trying (he's had 2 therapy sessions) was now pointless so he's back to yelling.

I'm glad to have found everyone here. Having people to share with who have an understanding helps so much. I was definitely questioning myself at multiple points throughout the day, like , could he be right? I know that's how he feels, and he feels it so much, but validating is still very new to me. I am hoping I get better at it because my attempt today definitely didn't cut it.