Figuring things out

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hello,
I have been involved with a relative who has been verbally unkind to me for over 45 years. Another family member recently stated that she likely has BPD. I have been researching this disorder, and it does seem to fit. My current struggle is that my husband has attempted to minimize her abuse, tells me that there is nothing we can do about it, and states that this is just the way that she is. He tells me that I should forgive her and think the best of her. This is causing tension between us, as I do not feel like he is seeing the situation for what it really is. Has anyone else found themselves in a similar situation?
Thank you.

[Mickey26]

Hello,
I have been involved with a relative who has been verbally unkind to me for over 45 years. Another family member recently stated that she likely has BPD. I have been researching this disorder, and it does seem to fit. My current struggle is that my husband has attempted to minimize her abuse, tells me that there is nothing we can do about it, and states that this is just the way that she is. He tells me that I should forgive her and think the best of her. This is causing tension between us, as I do not feel like he is seeing the situation for what it really is. Has anyone else found themselves in a similar situation?
Thank you.

[zachira]

I feel that I understand how you are feeling. I come from a large disordered family with many members who enable the abuse of others. It can often be more hurtful to have the abuses enabled and denied by others rather than the direct abuses of the abusers. It hurts and is frustrating to be abused especially when the abuse is ongoing and the abuser is a person you can not completely avoid.

Your husband is making the mistake that many men make with their wife, in not listening to the wife's feelings and instead discounting the feelings while offering a solution. How would you have preferred your husband to have responded and would he be receptive to your feedback?

[HappyChappy]

Hi Mikey
Most people on here have found themselves in similar and often far worse situations. We all say unkind things, that's not one of the indicators of BPD.

So your husband's advice isn't necessarily bad, as it's impossible to know if it's BPD given what you've posted. BPD is a stigmatized label often misused. Only a physiatrist can diagnose.

Also it's not helpful to project blame, so I'd suggest you discuss this further with your husband. 

[CC43]

Hi Mickey,

If your relative has BPD, it can be hard to cope.  Your husband is right in one regard--there's nothing you can do, in the sense that you can't control or change your relative.  All you can do is control and change how you react.  Yet if your relative is truly abusive to you, that is not right.  Your husband might think, just forget about it, and that might work well for him.  But some types of abuse are hard to forget!  In those cases, it may be wise to try to avoid the offending relative.  Maybe you don't read their texts or threatening emails, and you keep your distance when possible.

When it comes to family though, it can be hard to avoid others completely.  So you might have to get creative, to protect yourself.  Maybe you keep a physical distance, or ensure you have a "buffer".  I'd advise, try not to engage the person, and don't JADE (justify, argue, defend or explain), because that usually makes things worse.

In the meantime, you can seek out support here.  There are all sorts of stories of abuse and disturbing behaviors of loved ones with BPD.  It can be hard to cope sometimes.  Here people often explain what works for them.  It can be comforting just to see you're not alone.

I certainly understand how it is to feel when a husband isn't on the same page when dealing with a loved one with BPD.  That's because most normal, "traditional" ways to nurture relationships just don't seem to work with BPD.  Sometimes you have to change your expectations and enforce clear boundaries for yourself.

[Notwendy]

I think most of us here have gone on the suspicion that a family member likely has BPD without knowing a formal diagnosis. The focus is on how are we to cope- so whether or not they are diagnosed- the behaviors are what is problematic to us- and so ways to cope with them can help us. We can't change them or fix them- so whether or not they have BPD is on their part, not ours.

Your concern is that this family member is verbally abusive to you. What is the best way for you to cope with this. You can't change them- they are in control of their own behavior- BPD or not. Having BPD doesn't give them a "pass". Whatever the reason for their behavior- you don't like it. So what can you do?

Minimize contact with them ( avoid all together or less contact)
Disengage the conversation when they say mean things.
Don't respond emotionally to them- it fuels the drama.

These are some suggestions.

If your H has not experienced this kind of thing, he may not understand. He may also believe that keeping the peace is the way to go but there's a line between keeping the peace and enabling someone to be verbally abusive to you. Keeping the peace means not reacting back but you can have boundaries and disegage from these exchanges.

"Think the best of that person". If a family member broke into your house and stole something, is the response "but he's such a nice person?" No, you see he is someone you can not trust. Do you forgive him? Forgiveness is for our own peace of mind. It's something to work towards but you can forgive him and also change the locks on your door.

"That's just the way she is" Yes. So, what can you do to manage/limit your exposure to her verbal abuse?