Advice about teenage son and girlfriend

[Lfghhg]

I hate to air my family dirty laundry online like this but have nowhere else to turn with this situation.
My son is 19 and in university.  He has been seeing his girlfriend for 2 years and I have always been nice, she spent a lot of time at our house and I'd feed her but we didn't become close as she barely spoke to me.

A year ago he moved to a nearby city for uni and she also went to  uni there. This year has not gone well. My son seems to have been living a very chaotic lifestyle due to this girl who has constant crises which he must fix, and she demands a lot of his time, he was basically living at hers. His degree is stem & very challenging and when I would visit he told me he was struggling with his studies. At times he would say he wants to break up with his girlfriend bc he is so stressed and can't cope but he always took her back. He struggled living alone and I'm not sure how much of this is down to her. He doesn't eat anymore and is painfully thin. He failed his 1st year exams and must resit the year. She passed hers despite the chaos, he told me he had done several of her assignments for her.

 He returned home this summer like a broken man in every way and my heart was breaking. He broke up with her again but not really as they have remained "friends". He gave her his last few hundred pound all he had for 3 months. I am poor and she is from a wealthy family. Things have spiraled lately as he went back to her student halls for a few days then called me in despair to come and get him when she kicked him out (when he ran out of the money i had given him). She accused him of raping her and this is untrue. She messaged his friends saying horrible stuff and now he lost his few friends. He told me he was suicidal about all this. I panicked for historical family reasons and overreacted refusing to let him see her, even when she had the latest crisis of being stranded with all her stuff on the streets in the city (she had refused to go home with the mother who she dislikes).
This made my son mad at me and we barely spoke. I stepped back a bit.

Then suddenly last week he brought her here, my partner said they were smoking weed and being sexually rowdy in the early hours. He went mad because his children were here and threw them out. My son sent me texts blaming me for this and saying i had given him a lot of bad advice this year and made things much worse. Then the girlfriend started texting me long vile texts saying what a terrible mother and person i am, and also saying nasty things about my son. These texts convinced me that she has borderline personality disorder and im so scared for my son. He is not a grown up 19 and suffers anxiety. He is a quiet kind boy and feels totally responsible for this girls life and chaos, even when they break up,  and he is very vulnerable himself, its his first relationship.

 My partner went away for a couple days and my son came back but left again when they returned. I think he is homeless.  He tells me he's at his dad's but I doubt that as they barely ever had contact growing up. His mental health is very bad, I have bipolar and worry he has inherited it. But he won't come to the doctors with me.
I told him I will move out of my partners house and get a flat for me and him. I feel terrible that I haven't provided a safe place for him when he needs it because of living with my partner who threw him out. (His stepdad has since apologised and asked him to come back but he won't. My partner has done good things for my son in the past and is a good man normally. He very much disliked the girlfriend from the start though).
I don't earn much and rent in our city is very expensive. My son told me not to leave because he's going back to uni I 6 weeks but I feel like he needs somewhere in his fragile state. I've found an apartment which will cost half my wages and is in a bad area. My partner doesn't want me to go but he agreed to gaurentor for the tenancy.  The trouble is, because of the last few weeks my own mental health (bipolar, but ive been well for years now) is crumbling and I'm genuinely scared I'll have to go sick from work and then I won't be able to pay the rent, so I feel bad asking my partner or mother to gaurentor for me. I think leaving my partners home will make me worse too. But I need to help my son. I also told my son we could move into my aunties empty house but it's in the country and he didn't want to.  I don't think he's in his right mind at all and I'm so worried.


I can't talk to anyone about this, my daughter went through something similar and would be triggered. My son asked me not to tell my other son. My mother and I do not get on and my best friend died 2 years ago. I literally feel so alone, I don't trust my own judgement and need advice on this situation but have nobody to ask.
I'm scared of doing the wrong thing. Also If I get the apartment I won't be able to help my son financially in uni anymore which he will likely need. Although I don't even want him to go back ow tbh, alone in the city with his abusive girlfriend, and if he stays in touch with her I feel like this year will be even worse than the last.

So should I leave home in the hope my son will come to my apartment? What else can I do to help the situation? I'm sending money for food and saying whatever he needs I can help. I said I support him even if he stays with her so as not to drive him further away.  He texts me now and then so at least I know he's alive but I feel like our relationship is not good and I'm not quite sure how we got here.
If you have read all of this you are a Saint and I thank you.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi Lfghhg
Thank you for posting. It can be a hard thing to do but it is such a helpful thing to do – helpful for you I think to set out the situation you are in and helpful to us all because it helps us not feel alone.

It is such an awful situation you are in. I’ve been thinking about it and there is no easy path forward. One thing is that it is a crisis situation – and I wonder if making permanent changes is the right choice. So much is out of your control.

 ride that someone with BPD are on in order to avoid deep sense of abandonment can play havoc with the lives of others.

You describe your son as: He is not a grown up 19 and suffers anxiety. He is a quiet kind boy and feels totally responsible for this girls life and chaos, even when they break up,  and he is very vulnerable himself, its his first relationship.

For someone sensitive, it is very difficult to step back from feeling responsible when they are faced with intense emotional demands. Also using marijuana would probably not be helpful for your son.

You have mentioned the apartment to your son and he said not to because he will be going back to Uni in a few weeks.

So just to get things clear in my head:
-   If he goes back to Uni will he be living there or do you hope he would live with you and go to lectures etc from the apartment?
-   Is he still in a relationship with the girlfriend, are they just friends or are they in contact at all?
-   If ds is in a relationship, is he likely to want to bring her to live in the apartment with him?
-   If you move to the apartment and ds lives at the Uni, will he manage without financial support from you?
-   How long would the lease be on the apartment?

I am thinking that because this is a crisis, then a crisis type response might help to stabilize the situation for ds.

If the lease on the apartment is 6 months or so, it might be helpful to take the lease and see if ds comes to use this as a place to regroup. But can he keep up Uni if you take this option?

Is there any way you can find out if he is actually at his dad’s? If that is the case then it could make a difference to how you see your options?

I am sorry I have more questions than answers but there are many aspects to your situation and I think it’s important to explore all the consequences of each option.

I hope you feel up to posting answers to my loads of questions!  I really want to support you in this crisis time and to explore the options that are available before you choose a path forward.

[Lfghhg]

Thank you so very much for trying to help me, actually brings me to tears a stranger can be so caring. I have also spoken with him on the phone since I posted.

Just to answer your questions:
I have arranged a student let in the uni City, he will not be living with her although she will live nearby, he is worried about that.

He does not want to commute from my city to the other city as it is over an hours drive, its possible but hard for him. Its extremely unlikely at this point she will live with him there, he seems more adamant than ever he never wants to see or hear from get again. But of course that's easier said than done. He has finally gone no contact with the gf this could change, but I pray it won't.

He is actually with his father, I believe him now. It could be a good thing if they finally build a relationship.  His dad is old now and appears to have mellowed with age.

The lease would be 1 year minimum unfortunately.

I am concerned that without financial help he will definitely not cope financially in uni. Unless he gets a job but I'm not sure he can cope with that right now with his mental health.

We talked about pausing uni for a year, he doesn't want to but it's a possibility.  I would definitely get the apartment if he does.
Right now I'm thinking he may well have to drop out if things dont improve... and again I can then get the apartment at that time.

I'm thinking at the moment to wait it out, and see what happens.  On the other hand I'm concerned he is only saying don't get the apartment because he is worried about me. He says my partner has always been good to me and looked after me.

We were just alone from his birth until 6 years ago when I met my partner. (My other 2 kids are older) I think I have been an over protective parent and codependant probably, because i trying to make up for his dad not being around. Ive made mistakes i now realise. I alternate between thinking that he really needs me right now and then thinking have i just made things worse by caring too much and i should step back and just be there when he comes to me, instead of constantly checking on him and trying to fix everything all the time. My emotions are all over the place and that's why I don't trust my judgement.

[js friend]

Hi Lfghhg

I was just going to reply to your original post when I saw that you had posted this one.....This is good news all around for your son and your family!! 

Hopefully the exgf has already moved on and wont get back in touch with your son. Pwbpd with Bpd can do so much to destroy the person the supposedly love and often come knocking again so he will need a strong will  power and  take practical steps to not re engage with her.

[CC43]

Hi Lf,

Going off to university can be a tough transition for many young people.  Experiencing an intense romantic relationship can add stress to the mix.  Dating someone with BPD would complicate matters by an order of magnitude, taking stress to crisis levels.

My general recommendation regarding housing is not to subsidize or encourage unmarried couples to room together.  If the couple argues or breaks up, there are no separate living quarters that could serve as a refuge.  And if one person has BPD, it's very likely that arguments and a cycle of break-ups/make-ups will ensue.  Living with parents might not be practical, if the university is geographically distant, and if the young adult wants to gain some independence.  So I'd recommend the standard:  try to find a place to share with same-sex roommates.  It could be on-campus or off-campus housing, and group living is usually more affordable.  Your son would have a taste of independent living, and he'd have his own space away from his girlfriend, too.  Maybe his roommates will become close friends, making his life more balanced and healthy (between studies, a part-time job, roommates and girlfriend, for example).  A solo apartment is almost a guarantee that the couple ends up living together, or probably spending more time together than is appropriate for a college student trying to find his way in an adult world.

In summary, roommates can make things more economical and less intense with the girlfriend.  Even if the girlfriend's parents subsidize a really fancy and comfortable apartment, I'd say it's important for your son's development NOT to move in with her, unless they are married.  I know the temptation is to move in together, but I think it's not wise, not for a young person, and not even for someone older, at least not until they are fully adult and able to support themselves, because it's not healthy to feel "trapped" because of a housing situation.  These days, there are all sorts of websites that connect roommates.  Your son should take the lead on this.  You could say, "I'll pay for your student housing, but you have to find some guys as roommates, because my budget is X, and I want you to have the full college experience.  If you live by yourself, it wouldn't be the same, and it's too expensive."

[Lfghhg]

Thank you cc. I think you are right and that your advice applies to my situation as well as my sons. In entering this living arrangement I have limited and trapped myself really hence the current situation
Glad to say my son is sharing a house next year. Without the gf. He actually has never wanted to live with her, and us just worried because he has now gone no contact with her but she will live nearby 
Thank you so much for the advice

[Lfghhg]

Hi isfreind you are right, he has stopped contact and just wants to move on with his life. And as long as he isn't homeless and is ok at his dad's which he says he is, then I can stop panicking at least. I have resolved to deal with my low level codependance. It is possibly helping him move on from our over close relationship.
He understands and fears that this process of escaping may be long and stressful. But I'm happy if it's the beginning of the end.
Thanks for your kind words it means so much

[CC43]

Hi Lf,

I'm so glad it seems your son has sorted out his rooming situation.  It also sounds like he has his head on straight, as he wants to move on with his life, and not get entrapped by his abusive girlfriend again.

I think this is a life lesson for both of you.  First, your son is more resourceful and resilient than you might have thought.  Sure, he got intoxicated by a passionate relationship for a while, but he recognized abuse and manipulation pretty early on, and he's keeping his distance now.  Though he might have gotten hurt, he seems to be recovering.  He's probably wiser now, and it seems he knows he needs to keep his distance from a toxic ex.

As for you, you've seen that he can problem-solve without so much intervention on your part.  Sure, it's natural to have loving concern for your son, but panicking probably isn't the best response.  Maybe just being a sounding board for your son is what he needs in this next phase.  And you can show some confidence in him:  he survived a very intense, challenging relationship in the past; if he can do that, you know he'll be able to bounce back from other challenges in the future.

I hope you're feeling calmer now, and that you both can focus on moving forward.  All the best.