First one on one with couples therapist

[usagi]

Hello forum,

I just had my first one on one meeting with our couples counselor.  I'm feeling a sense of hope again.  I think my careful selection paid off.  Since my partner brought up the topic of BPD in our first session together with the therapist I decided to fill in some of the details in my one on one.  I explained that I'm not necessarily interested in a diagnosis but here are the behaviors I've witnessed.  The therapist sat across from me just nodding.  I selected her because she was supposed to have had some experience with personality disorders and it showed.  She recognized the behaviors I mentioned and we worked from there.

Going forward she is going to work hard to gain the trust of my partner.  That means she'll be pretty soft around her and not too confrontational.  It also means that she might "pick on me" a bit in session, meaning she'll correct things I might say that would trigger someone with BPD.  She said that she'd also try to model the language and responses that I should use with my partner.

I felt very comfortable with my choice of therapist after this session.  She was honest with me that she doesn't expect my partner's behaviors to change much if at all.  This is something I knew going into therapy but it does really make me think.  The therapist was very blunt about the situation and asked me if my partner couldn't change would I still want to be with her.

There are two main struggles I have with my partner.  One is her insistence that I give up things important for me in order to spend more time with her or focus on our family.  Now that we are living apart the family piece is not so much an issue.  I've gone from a step dad role to a more adult friend role with her son.  However, she could and perhaps will demand more of my time again and it could still be an issue.

The other thing, maybe the bigger one for me, is the constant cycle of break-up and make-up.  The therapist was surprised when I said that we'd gone through this cycle maybe 3 or 4 times PER YEAR since we've been together.

I realize that being in a relationship with someone with BPD is taking on a serious responsibility.  I need to get comfortable with the fact that she will always need more attention/support/care than other people.  If I want to be with someone more independent, my partner isn't going to fit that bill.

My partner has a one on one with the couples therapist next week.  I'm hopeful she'll be able to develop a rapport with the therapist so we can continue to work toward something better.

Feeling hopeful but, as I've felt for a long time, expecting that the wheels will come off at some point.

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[jaded7]

Hello forum,

I just had my first one on one meeting with our couples counselor.  I'm feeling a sense of hope again.  I think my careful selection paid off.  Since my partner brought up the topic of BPD in our first session together with the therapist I decided to fill in some of the details in my one on one.  I explained that I'm not necessarily interested in a diagnosis but here are the behaviors I've witnessed.  The therapist sat across from me just nodding.  I selected her because she was supposed to have had some experience with personality disorders and it showed.  She recognized the behaviors I mentioned and we worked from there.

Going forward she is going to work hard to gain the trust of my partner.  That means she'll be pretty soft around her and not too confrontational.  It also means that she might "pick on me" a bit in session, meaning she'll correct things I might say that would trigger someone with BPD.  She said that she'd also try to model the language and responses that I should use with my partner.

I felt very comfortable with my choice of therapist after this session.  She was honest with me that she doesn't expect my partner's behaviors to change much if at all.  This is something I knew going into therapy but it does really make me think.  The therapist was very blunt about the situation and asked me if my partner couldn't change would I still want to be with her.

There are two main struggles I have with my partner.  One is her insistence that I give up things important for me in order to spend more time with her or focus on our family.  Now that we are living apart the family piece is not so much an issue.  I've gone from a step dad role to a more adult friend role with her son.  However, she could and perhaps will demand more of my time again and it could still be an issue.

The other thing, maybe the bigger one for me, is the constant cycle of break-up and make-up.  The therapist was surprised when I said that we'd gone through this cycle maybe 3 or 4 times PER YEAR since we've been together.

I realize that being in a relationship with someone with BPD is taking on a serious responsibility.  I need to get comfortable with the fact that she will always need more attention/support/care than other people.  If I want to be with someone more independent, my partner isn't going to fit that bill.

My partner has a one on one with the couples therapist next week.  I'm hopeful she'll be able to develop a rapport with the therapist so we can continue to work toward something better.

Feeling hopeful but, as I've felt for a long time, expecting that the wheels will come off at some point.

This feels like a great deal of growth and understanding Usagi!

I'm sensing acceptance of the things you cannot change, and the wisdom to know what they are.

The therapist sounds like he/she is perfect for your situation. I'm glad it's giving you some hope and confidence.

[usagi]

Thank you jaded,

Yeah I think our therapist (she) is a good fit.  It sounds like she's had clients in this situation before.

Hoping things get easier but expecting them to get more difficult first...

[kells76]

She said that she'd also try to model the language and responses that I should use with my partner.

Did she seem to do that in the first joint session (as far as you could tell)? What do you think about that approach?

she doesn't expect my partner's behaviors to change much if at all.  This is something I knew going into therapy but it does really make me think.  The therapist was very blunt about the situation and asked me if my partner couldn't change would I still want to be with her.

How did you respond when she asked that?

The other thing, maybe the bigger one for me, is the constant cycle of break-up and make-up.  The therapist was surprised when I said that we'd gone through this cycle maybe 3 or 4 times PER YEAR since we've been together.

What were the T's thoughts about that frequency? Any guidance or suggestions about breaking the cycle (might also be too soon)?

Feeling hopeful but, as I've felt for a long time, expecting that the wheels will come off at some point.

You've been through a lot of "wheels coming off" times in the past, it seems like.

I hope the two of you are able to "unprogram" what you used to do when the wheels came off -- because whatever the dynamic was, wasn't stopping the breakup/makeup cycles -- and are able to program some new pathways and have different experiences instead.

You might (to keep the analogy going) still have flat tires along the way, but hopefully you both will have a few more skills to change the tire instead of having to go back to the dealership and buy a new car every time.

Repair/moving forward vs repeating over and over.

[usagi]

Thank you kells

Did she seem to do that in the first joint session (as far as you could tell)? What do you think about that approach?

I am not exactly sure.  My partner did most of the talking quite frankly.  Neither the therapist or I could get a word in edgewise.  I'm looking forward to seeing how this plays out.  I've certainly read a lot about how best to respond to a BPD partner but it would be nice to see a demo.

How did you respond when she asked that?

I slumped back in my chair when she said this.  I realize that even with a lot of work an therapy it's hard for BPD folks to change their behavior.

What were the T's thoughts about that frequency? Any guidance or suggestions about breaking the cycle (might also be too soon)?

She seemed pretty surprised that we've gone through so many break-ups.  She asked who initiated the make-up and I said it was her usually.

You might (to keep the analogy going) still have flat tires along the way, but hopefully you both will have a few more skills to change the tire instead of having to go back to the dealership and buy a new car every time.

That's my hope.  That the therapist can help us break this cycle.  I'm hoping that she can help change the tire/pump it up...

[kells76]

When's the next appointment?

That's my hope.  That the therapist can help us break this cycle.  I'm hoping that she can help change the tire/pump it up...

To keep the analogy going, she may start by showing you how to change the tire, and then she's going to have you do it yourself -- and then it's decision time for you if you keep travelling in a car where you might be the only one changing the tire when it gets flat. That can work for some people and not for others -- it's an individual choice.

Has your partner started the new job yet?

[usagi]

Thanks kells,

My partner has her one on one this coming Tuesday the 30th.  I'm expecting that it will go pretty well.  After that I'm not sure when our next couples session will be.

She started working part time at her new job at the beginning of June.

I think if I got more efficient at changing the tire I could manage that task (don't lose the lug nuts, strain my back getting the tire off...).  The real problem is if she walks away with the tire and yells at me for not working faster to get it replaced.

The boundaries I set for myself are that I needed my partner to contribute to improving the dynamics of our relationship and not expect me to make all the changes and that we stop the constant break-up cycle.  It's OK if she needs a break and has to take some time away but I'm not OK if she makes ultimatums and "ends" the relationship if she doesn't get what she wants.

Where I'm at right now is that I want to see the dynamics of the normal break-up/make-up cycle change.  I've explained this to my partner and she's trying.  This past weekend she got upset with something I said and stayed dysregulated the rest of the evening.  She was able to say that she needed a break from our conversation and that she needed to go home early.  That was a big deal for me.  I realize that I need to contribute to breaking this cycle.  That's what I'm hoping to get help with from the therapist (here's how to change the tire...).

I know my partner wants to make things better.  She does want to stay with me.  When she gets hijacked by her emotions those intentions become obscured.