He re-engaged and I am not sure what to make of the message

[HealthTeacher]

Hello again, everyone.

I am looking for some support/guidance about how to handle re-engagement.

I haven't spoken to him since I broke up with him over a week ago. I was at a concert with a friend, trying my hardest to distract myself from intrusive thoughts... especially since he had started a cascade of social media actions that showed me he was acknowledging the "end." Yesterday was the end of the social media pull-back. He sent me this and then after 2 hours, blocked me on FB.




[my name]:

first and foremost i need you to know and understand that i love you.  with every millimeter of my heart and soul.  i’ve always loved you.  before you loved me.  i can pine and go on about how you opened the door the first time and your hair flew back and you were dressed all cute as always and i was beyond flabbergasted.  hence my nervousness.  that being said…i don’t know how this is going to be or sound.  i’m writing all this in incriments, day by day, thought by thought, process by process…so it may be shotty at times. 

i don’t expect you to respond.  i don’t even know if i want you to respond.  i don’t even know if i should be sending this.  my therapist says i need closure.  confirmation.  to stop worrying about trying to make you happy and myself happy when clearly i can’t.  which i’ve said…multiple time.  i don’t doubt you are right for me…i just don’t know if im right for you.  you have been through so much and learned so much and how to deal with issues.  i have brought you back to the place you shouldn’t be.  me.  not you.

that also being said…i deeply sorry for being the cause you are in therapy again.   i’m aware it’s very troublesome.  and heartbreaking.  i hope [my therapist who was our couple's therapist] can help but sometimes i felt like you knew more than him in certain cases.  but i know you will get the help you need and recover.

i never meant to hurt you.  ever.  at all.  for me, at first, it was trying to change everything all at once.  it was really hard and took a lot out of me.  trying to be who you wanted me to be while trying to be the person i wanted.  and it wasn’t even trying.  it was changing.  but i was changing for you because i wanted to for you.  i wanted to myself, but i put you first.  i can see you would disagree with that, but i did.  and if i PLEASE READed up, i felt bad and resorted to resenting myself which made it worse.  why can’t i be what she wants and needs?  i AM that person!  but…apparently im not.  i wasn’t.  i haven’t been.  i haven’t been who you need.  yes there are times…but as you’d say, grains of sand.  and all those grains make a beach.  and i made a beach of sh*t for you. 

it’s extremely hard for you to ask how i feel in certain situations.  for me and for you.  i want you to know how i feel.  and i tell you explicitly.  i don’t want to be told over and over again.  it makes me apologize every single time and makes me feel like you don’t get that im sorry.  and then it gets worse.  i’m not trying to make excuses.  and my love, i understand you need to tell me.  but seriously.  over.  and over.  and OVER again really brings me down.  and hurts.  i’m not saying i don’t understand how you feel…I DO  i wanted you to know how it made ME feel.  and i did.  and it made you upset.  because you wanted your feelings out.  [my name].  you had your feelings out.  why harp on something we both know and know made me even more upset?  it made us even more upset.  i wasn't making excuses.  i was saying what i thought and what i felt at the moment.  not and excuse.  i’m aware.  i know.  i honestly try to tell you my triggers.  but you 100% said i’ll be damned if i don’t clear the air one more time.  why.  WHY.  you’ve done it.  WHAT is that going to solve.  one more time?  why.  why.  why?  one more time?  like the other time didn’t suck enough for both of us?  then WHY.  i feel beaten on.  i feel not listened to.  i’ve said what ive said.  why say it again?  clearly different then I LOVE YOU.    you didn’t say what what you wanted to all the way?  ok.  me too.  on certain thing.  i don’t let it end up ruining our relationship.

clearly.  we haven’t been eye to eye.  which is heartbreaking.   because i was so madly in love with you.  and i don’t want to date again.  i wanted you.  and only only you.  always and forever.  but i know that can’t be.  i told you before.  and i’m telling you again.  i can’t go this process with you.  we tried.  we did.  it was good.  but it wasn’t us.

[my name], we are on the same page.  we want the same things.  we want the love.  we want the house.  we want the the me and you.… it’s just not us.  together.  i wish it was.  i’m so sorry.  i’m so sad.  i’m heartbroken.  i’m crying.  coming to this notice.  i have been. thank you for everything.  you are the best. i love you.  you are my twin flame. you are my [nickname]. you are my favorite person ever. you are making me cry right now. i wanted yo make sloppy steaks with you. i wanted to get better. i wanted you to get better. i’m crying. i’m sorry i hurt you. you don’t know how you hurt me. i know how i hurt you. [dog's name] loves you. [cat's name] loves you.




I have had a message like this before... when I kicked him out in early May on our one-year anniversary. Is it just me or is he kinda going through a cycle in this message? Starting with love, taking responsibility, then finding a way to make me responsible for his treatment of me, and getting worked up about it. then essentially trying to tell me he's decided it's over, even though I had broken up with him and gone no contact for over a week... then drifting back into sorrow.

For me, this gave me mixed feelings. When I started reading it I started crying in the car on the way to the concert with my friend, but as I kept reading... I got to the extremely familiar BPD part: the part where he reminds me that... essentially... he understands that I have feelings and they have been trampled on... but after the initial half-hearted apology loaded with EXCUSES for his behavior, he does NOT want me to mention it/bring it up ever again. To him, my feelings, which make him feel guilt, are a weapon that I use against him. I have told him countless times and so have the therapists... If you hurt her, in a healthy relationship, she can express that in a healthy way, and she SHOULD. And you should listen, and sometimes when you do things that hurt other people you will feel bad. SHE IS NOT "RUBBING YOUR FACE IN YOUR FAILURES," she is a person with feelings and she is allowed to express herself, even after you have taken responsibility for what you have done.

He paints a very inaccurate picture when he's in that state of mind. I don't harp on or bring up past fights and situations. I am very self-aware and I do not do that toxic stuff.  I simply do not do that... but if they come up or if I have legitimate anxieties or fears, I would express them to him in a healthy way (e.g., the whole airport debacle where he wanted to drop me off at 4am for a 10am flight because it was more convenient... and kept it a secret... and I had another trip to see him planned for August and I wanted to make sure that wasn't going to happen again... obviously a legitimate concern). When I feel like we have moved on and I have been heard and we are on the same page, I move on unless there are anxieties I want to discuss with him.

The last time I got a text like this, it was more of the "Look what you made me do by saying how you were sad and broken!" crap. This message had less of it, but it was still there... and he got himself worked up... then blocked me.

I have not responded. Does this give me closure? Honestly, even though parts of it are whack, sure. I can feel like I made the right decision. It's reassurance. He's certainly still not OK and this re-engagement was a mix of motivations... to get stuff off his chest: he loves me, he's sorry, he understands, to remind me which part was my fault [letting him see and know how this has been absolutely breaking me], and to essentially say he's breaking it off with me.

[jaded7]

Hello again, everyone.

I am looking for some support/guidance about how to handle re-engagement.

I haven't spoken to him since I broke up with him over a week ago. I was at a concert with a friend, trying my hardest to distract myself from intrusive thoughts... especially since he had started a cascade of social media actions that showed me he was acknowledging the "end." Yesterday was the end of the social media pull-back. He sent me this and then after 2 hours, blocked me on FB.




[my name]:

first and foremost i need you to know and understand that i love you.  with every millimeter of my heart and soul.  i’ve always loved you.  before you loved me.  i can pine and go on about how you opened the door the first time and your hair flew back and you were dressed all cute as always and i was beyond flabbergasted.  hence my nervousness.  that being said…i don’t know how this is going to be or sound.  i’m writing all this in incriments, day by day, thought by thought, process by process…so it may be shotty at times. 

i don’t expect you to respond.  i don’t even know if i want you to respond.  i don’t even know if i should be sending this.  my therapist says i need closure.  confirmation.  to stop worrying about trying to make you happy and myself happy when clearly i can’t.  which i’ve said…multiple time.  i don’t doubt you are right for me…i just don’t know if im right for you.  you have been through so much and learned so much and how to deal with issues.  i have brought you back to the place you shouldn’t be.  me.  not you.

that also being said…i deeply sorry for being the cause you are in therapy again.   i’m aware it’s very troublesome.  and heartbreaking.  i hope [my therapist who was our couple's therapist] can help but sometimes i felt like you knew more than him in certain cases.  but i know you will get the help you need and recover.

i never meant to hurt you.  ever.  at all.  for me, at first, it was trying to change everything all at once.  it was really hard and took a lot out of me.  trying to be who you wanted me to be while trying to be the person i wanted.  and it wasn’t even trying.  it was changing.  but i was changing for you because i wanted to for you.  i wanted to myself, but i put you first.  i can see you would disagree with that, but i did.  and if i PLEASE READed up, i felt bad and resorted to resenting myself which made it worse.  why can’t i be what she wants and needs?  i AM that person!  but…apparently im not.  i wasn’t.  i haven’t been.  i haven’t been who you need.  yes there are times…but as you’d say, grains of sand.  and all those grains make a beach.  and i made a beach of sh*t for you. 

it’s extremely hard for you to ask how i feel in certain situations.  for me and for you.  i want you to know how i feel.  and i tell you explicitly.  i don’t want to be told over and over again.  it makes me apologize every single time and makes me feel like you don’t get that im sorry.  and then it gets worse.  i’m not trying to make excuses.  and my love, i understand you need to tell me.  but seriously.  over.  and over.  and OVER again really brings me down.  and hurts.  i’m not saying i don’t understand how you feel…I DO  i wanted you to know how it made ME feel.  and i did.  and it made you upset.  because you wanted your feelings out.  [my name].  you had your feelings out.  why harp on something we both know and know made me even more upset?  it made us even more upset.  i wasn't making excuses.  i was saying what i thought and what i felt at the moment.  not and excuse.  i’m aware.  i know.  i honestly try to tell you my triggers.  but you 100% said i’ll be damned if i don’t clear the air one more time.  why.  WHY.  you’ve done it.  WHAT is that going to solve.  one more time?  why.  why.  why?  one more time?  like the other time didn’t suck enough for both of us?  then WHY.  i feel beaten on.  i feel not listened to.  i’ve said what ive said.  why say it again?  clearly different then I LOVE YOU.    you didn’t say what what you wanted to all the way?  ok.  me too.  on certain thing.  i don’t let it end up ruining our relationship.

clearly.  we haven’t been eye to eye.  which is heartbreaking.   because i was so madly in love with you.  and i don’t want to date again.  i wanted you.  and only only you.  always and forever.  but i know that can’t be.  i told you before.  and i’m telling you again.  i can’t go this process with you.  we tried.  we did.  it was good.  but it wasn’t us.

[my name], we are on the same page.  we want the same things.  we want the love.  we want the house.  we want the the me and you.… it’s just not us.  together.  i wish it was.  i’m so sorry.  i’m so sad.  i’m heartbroken.  i’m crying.  coming to this notice.  i have been. thank you for everything.  you are the best. i love you.  you are my twin flame. you are my [nickname]. you are my favorite person ever. you are making me cry right now. i wanted yo make sloppy steaks with you. i wanted to get better. i wanted you to get better. i’m crying. i’m sorry i hurt you. you don’t know how you hurt me. i know how i hurt you. [dog's name] loves you. [cat's name] loves you.




I have had a message like this before... when I kicked him out in early May on our one-year anniversary. Is it just me or is he kinda going through a cycle in this message? Starting with love, taking responsibility, then finding a way to make me responsible for his treatment of me, and getting worked up about it. then essentially trying to tell me he's decided it's over, even though I had broken up with him and gone no contact for over a week... then drifting back into sorrow.

For me, this gave me mixed feelings. When I started reading it I started crying in the car on the way to the concert with my friend, but as I kept reading... I got to the extremely familiar BPD part: the part where he reminds me that... essentially... he understands that I have feelings and they have been trampled on... but after the initial half-hearted apology loaded with EXCUSES for his behavior, he does NOT want me to mention it/bring it up ever again. To him, my feelings, which make him feel guilt, are a weapon that I use against him. I have told him countless times and so have the therapists... If you hurt her, in a healthy relationship, she can express that in a healthy way, and she SHOULD. And you should listen, and sometimes when you do things that hurt other people you will feel bad. SHE IS NOT "RUBBING YOUR FACE IN YOUR FAILURES," she is a person with feelings and she is allowed to express herself, even after you have taken responsibility for what you have done.

He paints a very inaccurate picture when he's in that state of mind. I don't harp on or bring up past fights and situations. I am very self-aware and I do not do that toxic stuff.  I simply do not do that... but if they come up or if I have legitimate anxieties or fears, I would express them to him in a healthy way (e.g., the whole airport debacle where he wanted to drop me off at 4am for a 10am flight because it was more convenient... and kept it a secret... and I had another trip to see him planned for August and I wanted to make sure that wasn't going to happen again... obviously a legitimate concern). When I feel like we have moved on and I have been heard and we are on the same page, I move on unless there are anxieties I want to discuss with him.

The last time I got a text like this, it was more of the "Look what you made me do by saying how you were sad and broken!" crap. This message had less of it, but it was still there... and he got himself worked up... then blocked me.

I have not responded. Does this give me closure? Honestly, even though parts of it are whack, sure. I can feel like I made the right decision. It's reassurance. He's certainly still not OK and this re-engagement was a mix of motivations... to get stuff off his chest: he loves me, he's sorry, he understands, to remind me which part was my fault [letting him see and know how this has been absolutely breaking me], and to essentially say he's breaking it off with me.

Just in the first read through, I hear a lot of 'You......', 'you.......', why did you have to......', 'you made me.....', 'it it weren't for you_____ I wouldn't have.....'

I hear a lot of love you but can't be with you, and it's your fault for making me feel bad. "These aren't excuses", but in fact they are. Gaslighting, you know they are.

It seems like he's struggling for control, in so many ways. And that looks like here taking control of the breakup, even though you did it, and then doing it himself.

"To him, my feelings, which make him feel guilt, are a weapon that I use against him. I have told him countless times and so have the therapists... If you hurt her, in a healthy relationship, she can express that in a healthy way, and she SHOULD. And you should listen, and sometimes when you do things that hurt other people you will feel bad. SHE IS NOT "RUBBING YOUR FACE IN YOUR FAILURES," she is a person with feelings and she is allowed to express herself, even after you have taken responsibility for what you have done."

This is such good advice and counsel. We all have a right to share our feelings and how someone may have hurt us, and we have to right to do it with love and compassion. No relationship can grow without that. But as we all know, very often with a pwbpd these are taken as attacks and they trigger guilt and shame, which then creates strong defense mechanisms action -----attacking, what aboutism, denial, darvo, put downs, anger...all that.

[HealthTeacher]

Thank you for your insight... this is a PLEASE READty attempt for him to shift blame... but isn't as bad as what he wrote me back in May when I kicked him out of my house (I had to put all of his stuff on the porch while he was at work and lock him out because he refused to leave even though we made deal that he would that day... only to back-out that morning... so I had no choice but to put it outside).

His patterns are clear and I am not sure what comes next at this point unless I block him. After I kicked him out, about 3 days later, I got this one, which was a lot more blaming... but this is so typical of him... only about 4 days later after that for him to recant all of the blaming and love-bomb again, which eventually roped me back in:




after lots of thought and not sleeping for another day or so, doing lots of research, lots of writing, lots of soul searching, lots of yelling and shaking, a bit more than i expected of crying, i’ve finally come to the conclusion that however strong my feelings of being abandoned are, which isn’t good for me or really anyone in this situation, however angry i may get, or sad…i’ve realized that i am who i am.  not who i will be.  i’ve apologized more times than i can count.  i’ve tried to make this better.  i’ve listened.  i’ve talked.  and yes, i’ve fallen lots of times.  i’ve been walking on eggshells trying to be something i wasn’t, something i couldn’t be, and something i thought you wanted me to be.  i’ve accepted my faults, my mistakes, my wrongdoing towards you and us, and my lack of trying to fix everything all at once.  everything compounded, put on my shoulders, and myself to try to fix it.  it was too much.  i crumbled.  we didn’t need couples counseling.  i needed to get better, first.

Also, it wasn’t the personality traits.  i’ve tried on many occasion to explain the cycle that happened when i messed up and tried to comfort you.  the sadness, followed by the questioning, followed by the direct anger towards me.  subtle.  little by little.  over time.  compiled up.  which is why i would ask to stop.  you never saw or understood what you were doing…just saw them as feelings.  a feeling is “i feel..” followed by that emotion.  “i feel like…”  or “i feel that” is an opinion.  your opinions of me are what drove me to get angry.  and i can’t fault you for that.  i forgive that you honestly didn’t see what you were doing.  i tried to explain it.  you didn’t want to hear it.  i can’t control how you feel or your opinions.  when they little by little, subtly, start to wear me thin…welp…it comes to a head.  i didn’t see it earlier.  i was blinded by my anger blackouts.  but i will overcome that.  and i hope you think about what ive tried to explain and realize…i’ve blamed everything on me.  and it PLEASE READed me up.  but then i realized i was partly to blame.  i will and have blamed myself and taken responsibility for what i did and said.  what i won’t do is put it all on my shoulders again.  if you think im wrong, that’s ok.  i know what ive seen and heard and been through as well.  doesn’t compare to my problems or issues, but im done blaming myself for all the wrong and making myself feel like a piece of PLEASE READ every single instance.  i will continue to own my mistakes and work through them.  i hope this makes sense.  i did what i did and messed up.  you did what you did and messed up.  we hurt each other.  it sucked.  so for the last time…i’m sorry for my mistakes.  i’m forgiving myself little by little.  i’m forgiving you.  i’m trying.  anger is still present, but my reasoning is a little more logical.





So, I suppose this time it is a *better* version of this BPD response, as you can see that last time it incorporated a LOT more blame. What a lucky girl I was, to have him *forgive me* for using I-statements to express my feelings in a healthy way (sarcasm). Obviously, shame on me for expressing them in the first place.

This is why the text from yesterday felt like a "here we go again..." with this man. I am honestly glad that this one from yesterday wasn't so aggressive and blame-shifting as the first, so he might be making some progress... but it's not hope for ME, it's hope for HIM. For me, I can see that I made the right choice... he's still experiencing a lot of rationalization and self-deception to self-soothe... but not as bad as he had before. I am wiser now. I am hoping that he just leaves it at that... and I am hoping that I don't hear from him again. This time I haven't responded. Last time when he sent me that message, I naiively re-engaged right back in an effort to stand up for myself.

[once removed]

we haven’t been eye to eye

this is the bottom line of his letter.

it is the bottom line of why the two of you experienced unresolvable conflict, and why you broke up.

it is the bottom line of why you are reading his message with antipathy, skepticism, and dismissal.

the hard part is that the relationship went much further on, in spite of all that, and there is a lot of hurt, and feelings of not being heard, on both sides, and all of that has been building, and its hard to know what to do with it now.

at this point, with that gulf of discrepancy, anything either of you could say to each other would be taken as invalidation of the other.

the letter reads, to me, as someone who can be paraphrased as saying "we loved each other a lot, but we just dont work. im sorry".

i can understand how that, too, would feel hurtful, and dismissive of what youve been through. but if your reaction is to read maliciousness in it, i would encourage you to set it aside for a while; anything having to do with my ex was put away until i had nursed my wounds. everything looked and felt very different when i had, my perspective of it all had completely changed.

this is very fresh. theres a lot of healing to be done.

[HealthTeacher]

Thank you for that. Unfortunately, we are only on different pages when he’s thinking irrationally or selfishly… in a few days when he’s come down, we are back on the same page, which is why I feel like even though this is not ideal (re-engagement), it makes it clear that this is a pattern that I can’t take personally when he’s on offense and I can’t trust when he’s back to idealization and love bombing.. When he’s got clarity, he becomes painfully ashamed of messages like this and then over-corrects. He recognizes that we won’t and can’t truly be (and stay) on the same page until he’s recovered, at which case I will hopefully have moved on, although I will love him forever..

We ARE certainly on the same page about one thing: we can’t remain together as he tackles this. Unfortunately, the anxiety I would have about reuniting would prevent me from ever seeing him again. He’s quite literally going to be a lost love for the rest of my life. I need to remain strong when he recanted what he says and tries to repair the union.


You’re so right that this is still a bit of a tinderbox, but I’m not taking offense at what he said, I’m trying to objectively understand it devoid of feeling sorrow. I know he’s also seeking validation. He needs me to know that he’s so overcome with guilt that he’s not in a place to face my pain. That’s really what it is. Blame shifting, sure, but also seeking validation for how my pain affects his mental health. Obviously, if he had his way, I wouldn’t share any of it… but I’ve also gone down that road when he’s devaluing or abusing me (keeping my pain to myself) and it broke his heart that I DIDN’T feel comfortable talking to him about my feelings. I know it’s so hard for him, feeling like he can’t keep track of which end is up. This is where it’s so challenging. It’s hard to be compassionate and empathetic (that’s not the hard part) AND not keep the door cracked open (the hard part).

[seekingtheway]

It does sound a bit like two people who desperately want to be heard and understood, and it's just not happening... there will be many layered reasons for the mismatch, and maybe it's too soon and too fresh to see all of those reasons clearly, but I guess this is his attempt at trying to get you to understand him.

There's a lot of hurt expressed in his message, and it's clear you're hurting a lot too. It can take time for that to settle and for closure to come from a place where each person feels heard.

You may feel that he is missing the point (that you need to and have every right to express when something has really hurt you, and he should be willing to hear it and make amends), and you may be right in this, but I think he's trying to get you to understand that he is constantly aware that he is not the man you need and want him to be, and that brings up a lot of shame for him. He knows he falls short, and he doesn't want that for you or for him, because he does have a lot of love for you.

It makes me feel sad for both of you because is what heartbreak is - loving someone and really wanting it to work, but there being big differences that stand in the way of that, and the mountain just feels too big to climb at this moment in time.

[HealthTeacher]

Thank you Seeking the way… that’s exactly what this is. This makes it so painful. Sure, we have had a very turbulent experience… and there’s been abuse… but if there’s anything we share other than love for each other, it’s frustration that there were obstacles we couldn’t overcome… which we both really really wanted to. Thank you for helping HIM be seen in this/these messages.

[seekingtheway]

Just a word on the staying strong part - yes, this might be where you need to step up and choose a position and stick to it. This is where I fell down with my ex. We had some closure discussions where we both found the validation we needed to find forgiveness and understanding and feel less hurt... but in every instance, these discussions were soon after the breakup event, and were followed by him trying to bring me back into the relationship again.

It's important to note that he took those actions (not me), but it's also important to note that I ALWAYS left cracks in the door for this to happen, thereby prolonging the cycle, and prolonging my pain (that part was me).

I didn't feel strong enough to close the door fully. That part has taken some serious time and therapy. In hindsight, if we'd had these moments of validation and then I'd stuck to not contacting him, I'd have been in a much better position than I ended up in. But this is our own journey and there's no right or wrong, but it's interesting to note the impact of our decisions whilst in this tender state.

[HealthTeacher]

Admittedly, right now, I don’t feel strong enough to close the door fully. I know I should. “Should” is a loaded word… but I know objectively that it’s the right thing (close the door).

[Missygirl]

Hi Health Teacher, after reading his message to you I  am so stunned.. wow just wow.. the similarities between what I went through during my 5 breakup makeup cycles over the past 3-4 years with him.
This reminds me so much of a letter my ex mailed me all the while telling me things were okay and he was excited of getting back together only for the letter to mirror alot of what's written in yours...

The complete lack of responsibility for any of his actions, and bringing up how he cannot tell me what he wants because he's scared of my emotions really seems similar to what youre going though.

The blame shifting
The crazy I love yous and adore being with you BUT you make me feel unheard/invalidated/blamed etc.
It's very confusing

All of the letters I've ever gotten where he's trying to make sense of things or tell me how he truly feels reads like a verbal merry go round ok high speed.. so confusing.
Do you find you can make out what he is wanting to say? I felt like I never could decode the truth from the bull crap he would say to make himself feel better about the situation.

It's so damaging the flip flopping I love yous.. I have found it really hard to map out the truth in my own situation.

And when I read your other post about the airport fiasco oooh girl you coulda been writing my situation to a T

I feel for you, it's so hard to see through the manipulation for what it really is...

You said in your other post that you have some bpd tendencies as well? Is it possible you're just traumatized from this experience? There also is a correlation between neurodivergence and difficulties that mimic BPD. Actually it's very common for women to be misdiagnosed with bpd when they actually have ASD (autism)

That's what makes it so hard I find.
I'm autistic, which socially can mimic the insecurities and social dynamics that BPD can create---> which is why I thought I could relate to my ex so well, I thought I understood what he was going thru  but if he has bpd that's a whole different set of motivations behind the lashing out, insecurities, identity crisis, etc. Where as much of my problems stem from a lack of social awareness and lashing out during overstimulating moments. (All which I have been getting coaching on how to handle my emotion).. just was thinking about what you said when you said you had "bpdlike traits' - but just remember there has to be an ongoing pattern of the symptoms. You're reactions to his behavior is most likely a reflection of him jerking you around..

It sounds like you've got a good introspection in your self and take accountability for your half of the relationship-- something someone wirh bpd and your ex seems to struggle with.

I totally agree with others saying that this letter is very him focusing on blaming you
You did X, You made me feel Y

From what I'm learning this is a classic failure of his accountability, distorted view of events, and grudge holding

A sh*t cupcake is still a sh*t cupcake no matter how many "I love you" sprinkles on it..

Would you write him back? Maybe just for yourself? Get your feelings down on paper or on here.. it helps


You've got this. Cheering you through it
-Missy

[jaded7]

Also, it wasn’t the personality traits.  i’ve tried on many occasion to explain the cycle that happened when i messed up and tried to comfort you.  the sadness, followed by the questioning, followed by the direct anger towards me.  subtle.  little by little.  over time.  compiled up.  which is why i would ask to stop.  you never saw or understood what you were doing…just saw them as feelings.  a feeling is “i feel..” followed by that emotion.  “i feel like…”  or “i feel that” "is an opinion.  your opinions of me are what drove me to get angry.  and i can’t fault you for that.  i forgive that you honestly didn’t see what you were doing.  i tried to explain it.  you didn’t want to hear it.  i can’t control how you feel or your opinions.  when they little by little, subtly, start to wear me thin…welp…it comes to a head.  i didn’t see it earlier.  i was blinded by my anger blackouts.  but i will overcome that.  and i hope you think about what ive tried to explain and realize…i’ve blamed everything on me.  and it PLEASE READed me up.  but then i realized i was partly to blame.  i will and have blamed myself and taken responsibility for what i did and said.  what i won’t do is put it all on my shoulders again.  if you think im wrong, that’s ok.  i know what ive seen and heard and been through as well.  doesn’t compare to my problems or issues, but im done blaming myself for all the wrong and making myself feel like a piece of PLEASE READ every single instance.  i will continue to own my mistakes and work through them.  i hope this makes sense.  i did what i did and messed up.  you did what you did and messed up.  we hurt each other.  it sucked.  so for the last time…i’m sorry for my mistakes.  i’m forgiving myself little by little.  i’m forgiving you.  i’m trying.  anger is still present, but my reasoning is a little more logical."

It's not my personality traits, it's your opinions of me a what drove me to be this way. You didn't see what your were doing. The things you do make me mad and....welp...it comes to a head. I was blinded by my anger blackouts,  but you messed me up. I'm done taking all the blame for everything, but will continue to own my mistakes. I'm sorry for my mistakes, but you made me do them, but I'm forgiving you. You did what you did and you messed up. We do this to each other, not just me.

My ex told me: "I wouldn't get so angry if I didn't love you so much". Or, "this (a night of yelling and belittling me and everything in my life, when I told her not to come over 4 times and she ignored me and did anyway, then blamed me for taking her to a brewpub that I told I was going to and would call her when I got home) never would have happened if you told me you were going to the brewpub". Which I did 4 times (and did every other Friday for two years after my business events), and I told her not to come over, 4 times.

Blame shifting and failure to take accountability, verbal and emotional abuse, blowing through boundaries clearly expressed 4 times, ignoring my explicit 'no'....and it was all my fault.

So take my summary of the communication above with a grain of salt, because it feels to familiar to me.

We are all a support group here and lots of people are sharing their thoughts, that's what this board is sooo good for. My thoughts are I'm seeing a lot of blame shifting, failure of accountability, circular reasoning and contradiction.

Imagine someone saying: I have an anger problem, and I need to get it under control. I say that it's your fault, but my anger and my responses are mine to own. I care about you, and should not treat you this way. I get upset when you tell me that I hurt you, and I need to work on that. I don't want to do this to you anymore and need to get help.

Blackout anger is scary and dangerous.

[seekingtheway]

Admittedly, right now, I don’t feel strong enough to close the door fully. I know I should. “Should” is a loaded word… but I know objectively that it’s the right thing (close the door).

I knew that I 'should' have as well, but I didn't for a long time, and it really did damage to my mental health by the final cycle. But i think it's really important to be compassionate with yourself for wherever you're at. It takes time to be ready and to detach. It doesn't help to judge yourself. There are reasons we stay beyond the point we should. Finding those reasons and working with them can be so helpful.

Your ex reminds me of my ex in terms of his hypersensitivity to feedback. It was impossible to work with in the end, especially because some of the things he did were abusive and mega hurtful. Similar to you, I limited my feedback to the big things. I let a lot of the smaller, unimportant things go, and I was very careful to be mindful of his ego when I tried to talk about how I felt. But even with this approach, he still felt that I brought up 'everything' and that I was constantly going on about things he'd done wrong and wouldn't let things go.

I have a very different perspective. I don't think i did that at all. In fact, I know I didn't.

But, rightly or wrongly, that was his perspective...  nothing I could say or do was going to change his perspective. And part of the breakup is accepting that we just can't control the way people see things.

It's okay to trust your own truth and judgement in terms of how you showed up and how things went. You know better than anyone else on this count. And I empathise with the hurt and indignation you most likely feel for trying to do something you deem as healthy (communicate honestly and openly), and for that to be a cited reason for why the relationship didn't work. But, in my opinion, this is why the relationship doesn't work for you as well. How can you make a relationship work with someone who can't talk things through without it causing such huge sensitivity and instability?

My ex would threaten to break up, and actually, did break up with me many, many times I did bring something up. The anxiety I felt because of this was immense. But the lesson here for me is that I am going to have to choose wisely next time and make sure I am with someone who can deal with conflict moments without it completely destabilising the relationship or me being threatened with abandonment. But I can see that any hint of him having done anything wrong just triggered such huge shame for him. He would do anything to make it stop and push it away. It was compulsive and stemmed from the wounds of his past. So I understand where it comes from and why it happens, but it means a healthy relationship is not possible. Which it seems is the conclusion you've come to as well.

I'm sorry for what you're going through... I really do empathise with how awful it feels at this stage. 

[HealthTeacher]

I just got off the phone with someone else.

I saw he left me 15 very very sad text messages.

That was hard.

Then, he called me.

I had a mini panic attack. I didn't answer.



Now my head is everywhere. I feel so much compassion for him. I want to soothe him. I want to hug him and love on him to help him feel better. I can't.

I noticed how in my mind, shortly thereafter, I started negotiating re-engaging with him. Asking myself, how long would I have to stay away for me to be strong enough to be back in his life? I immediately noticed the thoughts and I had to shut them down... but they keep coming back. It is so so so so so hard to love someone so deeply and have to shut them out forever... and they cry, and they kick, and they scream, and they completely break down in front of you... and you must say nothing to them... you cannot engage...

I have to remain vigilant and remind myself that he feels like he's drowning right now... I cannot save him... he will only end up pulling me under.

[Turkish]

My ex used tell me the "you're rubbing [xyz or "my illness"] in my face!" It's hard to progress or work on things when BPD shame is triggered. Engagement without validation can be enabling the negative. Some view any validation as enabling.

The first time my ex broke up with me I was almost relieved. Then she accused me of not fighting for someone I loved. This push-me-pull-pull me behavior is certainly confusing and painful. It's up to is to choose what to do.

[SinisterComplex]

I just got off the phone with someone else.

I saw he left me 15 very very sad text messages.

That was hard.

Then, he called me.

I had a mini panic attack. I didn't answer.



Now my head is everywhere. I feel so much compassion for him. I want to soothe him. I want to hug him and love on him to help him feel better. I can't.

I noticed how in my mind, shortly thereafter, I started negotiating re-engaging with him. Asking myself, how long would I have to stay away for me to be strong enough to be back in his life? I immediately noticed the thoughts and I had to shut them down... but they keep coming back. It is so so so so so hard to love someone so deeply and have to shut them out forever... and they cry, and they kick, and they scream, and they completely break down in front of you... and you must say nothing to them... you cannot engage...

I have to remain vigilant and remind myself that he feels like he's drowning right now... I cannot save him... he will only end up pulling me under.

Yes it is hard. Yes it sucks and it is painful. However, it is also necessary to protect yourself. You cannot be the savior. You engaging would not help, but instead make matters worse. You know this, but it is one thing to know it and another to stick to it. He has to want to fix himself and he has to do it by himself. Unfortunately, you cannot be a part of the solution. Care of course, but do so from a safe distance.

Also, all those feelings you feel towards him...how about you redirect those feelings towards yourself? I think that those feelings would be better served that way. You have to heal as well so please be kind to you and please take care of yourself.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

[try2heal]

I've just found this group as I'm ending a 3+ year relationship with someone I now see has BPD. He either is undiagnosed or has hidden it from me and I will never know which. I can tell you from my experience that this cycle will repeat over and over and over again. It will escalate, and you'll become more compliant and more isolated and more torn apart. I see my experience in the message you posted, and want to support you in ending it.

[HealthTeacher]

This group is indeed amazing. Thank you for sharing your perspective. I believe you are 100% right. He and I have already recycled the relationship probably 3 or even 4 times (it's a blur) in a calendar year! And yes, each time, it is more intense, and the brief return to the loving phase is shorter and shorter... I hope I don't hear from him, yet I currently lack the confidence to block him. The last time he reached out, he expressed his deep sadness, his crying every morning, afternoon, and night... and his acknowledgment that I am probably feeling the same... his shame for having led me to this dark place that he occupies... and his respect and understanding for my "no contact" approach thus-far... and told me he respected it... only to call me about an hour later... which was probably going to be another bargaining attempt, had I answered... clearly, not actually respecting my healing process as he had indicated only an hour earlier... it's about him... it's not actually about me.

Each day, I feel like I am about 1% better... and if it takes a total of 100 days of no contact and deep personal evaluation of my feelings/needs/insecurities and coaching myself up to be back to myself again, it's a small price to pay. I am very fortunate that he is 800 miles away, or else this might be one million times worse (if he had physical access to me). Hearing the horror stories of others actually helps keep my emotional compass in the right direction.


I love myself too much to allow this man to ruin me... even if it is not intentional... even if it is "friendly fire" towards his "favorite person." When I had last spoken to him, he told me "You're my favorite person, so obviously there's going to be times where I treat you very poorly." Well, I refuse to accept that. I am removing myself from the situation because I didn't cause it, I can't control it, and I certainly can't cure it. I will never be a "special person" for a man with BPD ever again. Worst. Role. Ever. This is his first experience with this... as he kept every woman he had ever been with at arms-length with his avoidant-dismissive attachment style. I was the first one he fully let into his heart... and we both found out that there was a monster lurking in there. I anticipate that he will go back to arms-length relationships if he doesn't heal... this is hell for both of us. No contact is just as much for him as it is for me.

[jaded7]

This group is indeed amazing. Thank you for sharing your perspective. I believe you are 100% right. He and I have already recycled the relationship probably 3 or even 4 times (it's a blur) in a calendar year! And yes, each time, it is more intense, and the brief return to the loving phase is shorter and shorter... I hope I don't hear from him, yet I currently lack the confidence to block him. The last time he reached out, he expressed his deep sadness, his crying every morning, afternoon, and night... and his acknowledgment that I am probably feeling the same... his shame for having led me to this dark place that he occupies... and his respect and understanding for my "no contact" approach thus-far... and told me he respected it... only to call me about an hour later... which was probably going to be another bargaining attempt, had I answered... clearly, not actually respecting my healing process as he had indicated only an hour earlier... it's about him... it's not actually about me.

Each day, I feel like I am about 1% better... and if it takes a total of 100 days of no contact and deep personal evaluation of my feelings/needs/insecurities and coaching myself up to be back to myself again, it's a small price to pay. I am very fortunate that he is 800 miles away, or else this might be one million times worse (if he had physical access to me). Hearing the horror stories of others actually helps keep my emotional compass in the right direction.


I love myself too much to allow this man to ruin me... even if it is not intentional... even if it is "friendly fire" towards his "favorite person." When I had last spoken to him, he told me "You're my favorite person, so obviously there's going to be times where I treat you very poorly." Well, I refuse to accept that. I am removing myself from the situation because I didn't cause it, I can't control it, and I certainly can't cure it. I will never be a "special person" for a man with BPD ever again. Worst. Role. Ever. This is his first experience with this... as he kept every woman he had ever been with at arms-length with his avoidant-dismissive attachment style. I was the first one he fully let into his heart... and we both found out that there was a monster lurking in there. I anticipate that he will go back to arms-length relationships if he doesn't heal... this is hell for both of us. No contact is just as much for him as it is for me.

HeathTeacher....you're doing great!

In that last communication you got a little condensed version of the absolutely mind-bending confusing words and behaviors.

He tells you that he is very, very sad and crying....which is of course guilt-inducing and all about him. Nothing about all his behaviors that caused you to separate.
His shame at dragging you into a dark place. Guilt inducing and most definitely not an apology and acknowledgment of behaviors. HIS feelings at the moment.
He respects your 'no contact', while contacting you. Which is massive boundary violation, no matter how confusing everything has been until now he knows YOU are trying to go no contact to heal yourself and recover from HIS bad behaviors and words. But he contacts you anyway, and then calls you an hour later.

I can't help but sense these are manipulations HealthTeacher. Do you feel the same way? They are centered around how he is feeling and how hurt he is, and what he needs. If he REALLY respected your no contact, he would leave you alone. If he really felt shame about what he's done....really acknowledged it, and the effect on you.....he'd lay out all the things he did and show you how they hurt you.

"I love myself too much to allow this man to ruin me... even if it is not intentional... even if it is "friendly fire" towards his "favorite person." When I had last spoken to him, he told me "You're my favorite person, so obviously there's going to be times where I treat you very poorly." Well, I refuse to accept that."

He told you that you were his 'favorite person'? And that means "obviously there are times I'm going to treat you poorly"? Who says that? I'm amazed he actually used the term 'favorite person'. And thinks that treating your partner poorly is just par for the course.

We all need to hear those words that we love ourselves too much to let someone ruin us. That's a beautiful summation of the task for many of us here. Thank you for sharing.

[HealthTeacher]

Thank you for your reply.

You are so spot-on with your evaluation of his last communication. It was all about him. He just wants the pain to stop... we both do... but my no contact is compassion... his contact is goal-oriented and is not compassionate. I do feel it is a manipulation tactic. I am relieved I haven't heard from him again... but still feel unable to block him.

He's been on a path of self-discovery since his BPD diagnosis, so he's aware of what he is doing... or becomes aware after the fact... so yeah when he said that, it was his acknowledgment of what he was doing... and that if I want to remain in the relationship I am going to have to accept that he will hurt me in the process... I mean, he isn't wrong... if I were to stay again, I would be subject to more abuse and disrespect because he isn't going to be healed yet... and it would be my responsibility not to take it personally... which is so incredibly hard because the attacks are always personal in nature to some degree... and it's not worth it for me to have to lick my own wounds and try to compartmentalize his behaviors, gaslighting, and lies... I don't care who you are... playing with fire gets you burned... and stepping away can still cause smoke inhalation... I don't know who is actually mentally strong enough to let every single harmful act go... and exhaustively set boundaries that will be continually broken... over time, it will wear a person down... the fact of the matter was, staying meant accepting abuse in favor of some fantasized goal of a healthy and happy ending.... that I was in NO way guaranteed... I just removed myself from the dynamic because I couldn't take one more "event."

[try2heal]

@healthteacher you are doing amazing! Reading everyone's replies and the quotes of his messages, I am blown away by how much this mirrors my experience. My ex blames it all on trazadone and mixing meds, (he's undiagnosed), when I know it's more than that because he's behaved this way when he wasn't taking them. He also said "I never knew trazadone and other medications were creating the problem. How would I know?" when he's told me this several times during the course of the relationship and then conveniently forgets. I set boundaries and he leapfrogs over them. If I want to bring up a past argument and try to process it then I'm "playing the victim," "being a Karen," or being a b&tch.

Last message: I really want you to forgive me [my name]. I have been your man all this time and I am absolutely and definitely worth your forgiveness. I love you, I love your kids and I love who we are as a couple. We need to start from the ground up.

I've realized that he's able to try to make big changes when he is losing me, but he wasn't willing to make those changes when he knew he was hurting me. I have to love myself more than I love him, and I have to end it.

[HealthTeacher]

Thank you so much, try2heal... He tells you that he is "worth your forgiveness," as if you don't get ot be the one who makes that judgment call?!?! Boundary busting with arrogance.

Yeah, my ex wanted to make big changes when he felt like he wasn't on stable ground... but the MINUTE he felt secure with me again, it allllllll came back.


I think I had a false confidence that things wouldn't get weirder... I felt a sense of peace having not heard back from him... until tonight. He said: well i hope you’re doing ok.  i have your stuff and i will return it when i get back in town.  do you still have my stuff or do i need to be in the market for new furniture?

We have a plan in-place for my friend who is living relatively close by to get it. Looks like he's now decided to use my items as a bargaining chip.

What's more, this indicates that he does plan on coming back 800 miles to reside in or around my community... GREAT.

What's more more is that he now wants to collect abandoned items from when he moved 800 miles away, even though we both agreed that whatever he left behind was "abandoned."

He's also made sure to ask me a question to try to get me to engage... and if I don't, now he has an opportunity to get mad at me for being "rude." And another reason to be mad at me for not returning items that he abandoned. PERFECT. He's found a way to construct a plan that he thinks will work to get back in my field of vision, and even my house.

He's ALSO contacted a friend of his tonight to reach out to me with the same message.

SPOILER ALERT: My friend who lives near him is going to get my items tomorrow. She's already texted him about it. She's getting it. Period. End of story. Her decision after I sent her the text. She will help protect me. Once she has my stuff in her possession, I will block him, his family members, and all of his friends. I know he will still use other means to reach out, but I will not engage. He will probably show up on my front door. I will still not engage. If I have to, I will get a "no trespass" order.

Clearly, this guy isn't going to leave my life without a fight...

[HealthTeacher]

Well... that wasn't easy. Yesterday was a whirlwind.

He reached out to another mutual friend to manipulate him into agreeing to moving some of his abandoned items out of my house. At this point, he had reached out to four people in less than 24 hours. Mind you, the items he left, he abandoned in May and told me to sell, give away, or keep them. This isn't about stuff... but now all of the sudden it's about stuff... why? He's planning on coming back to my town from 800 miles away... and this is a way to get to me/get in front of me. He knows the spots I go to. I have lived here for 7 years and he stayed with me for 8 months... no ties here... no friends... crappy low-paying job... and he's decided he's coming back... and I know its to get me back. He's not giving up. There's nothing in this small college town for him... and he's chosen to make a huge deal out of it the last two days... even though he wouldn't be done his contract until mid-September (he has plenty of time to buy another crappy bed frame).


So he wasn't getting the payoff he wants. He reached out to all these people, but they would not give him information about me. He couldn't get to me from them. There was no payoff... which is why he kept reaching out to more people...

Then... when my friend who lives in a reasonable distance from him texted him to say when she would be arriving at his cabin to get my stuff, an hour into the drive, he told her that if she didn't get in touch with me to get him information, he wasn't going to release any items to her. He was using my stuff as a pawn, and I wasn't surprised, but I was infuriated. I gave in/caved. I told her to tell him whatever it is he wants to know (as long as I am not in contact). She did; he said she could continue on her journey to his cabin to get my stuff. She drove in the storm/hurricane. She got there and he didn't answer. A coworker came out of their cabin and said they had to put him to bed because he was completely drunk. My friend didn't leave. She wasn't going to make a 5-hour round-trip empty-handed. The coworker went into his cabin and brought my stuff out to her. She went on her way. It's actually a blessing that the was unconscious... and someone put him to bed. If he was conscious, she may have been in for a real treat... and if he put himself to bed, the cabin would have been locked from the inside and she would have wasted the trip.


What a mess. Of course, he got drunk. He's realizing it's really over and he is out of bargaining chips. He's coming back to my town... He's still not going to give up. He's telling my friends he wants to hang out with them when he gets here. I am going to have to make a game plan. He is going to harass me about his "stuff" like he did when I kicked him out in May. I put all of his stuff outside, even large furniture when he was at work (cuz he wouldn't cooperate with moving out). He threatened to call the police to "force me" to let him into the house so he could "comb through it to make sure I hadn't overlooked even one spoon." I called his bluff. I said "fine, please do invite the police, that's the only way you're getting into this house... and I don't trust that you won't have a rage blackout, so it would actually be a good idea to have law enforcement present". THAT is what I will encounter when he comes back. It doesn't matter if I give him a bed frame... find a piece of Tupperware... the stuff he abandoned and told me to throw out... it's never about the stuff... it's about interacting with me... and trying to so desperately to feel like he is in control.

Do I get a no tresspass order on him? I honestly don't know what's next... But I do know that when he got up early this morning to go to work, he's going to feel like an absolute bag of dog turds from being hungover, embarrassing himself, and missing his opportunity to interact with my friend when she arrived.

I am still compassionate towards him... this really really really sucks all around. He's blocked. His family is blocked. He must feel pretty alone... and it is sinking in that this is over over over... so he will get mad... sad... the whole nine yards... and I don't know what to expect next... but I do know that come mid-September, when he returns... I will need to have a plan... because even though he's acting irrational... and vengeful... and manipulative... I do still love him... and I don't want him to be alone or in pain... but I cannot help him. What I am doing is the best thing for both of us... he  can't see that through the pain...