Does anyone here who left their partner regret their choice?

[deeperwell]

I decided five days ago that I wanted to divorce my uBPD spouse. (I have been so torn for the last 2 months since realizing the pervasive emotional and verbal abuse I have endured and tolerated). I told a couple of friends. I told my therapist. I called lawyers. I asked friends who had divorced about their experiences (and referrals) and both said they wished they did it earlier (one had an NPD spouse and one an alcoholic). I even called a domestic violence hotline sobbing because the verbal abuse is starting to make me hate myself so much.

Point is - I thought I was sure. I told my spouse calmly that I didn't want to be married. I was feeling strong. And then he somehow talked me out of it and accused me of working in a silo and how shocked he was that I didn't want to work on things . PLEASE READ has hit the fan once I started trying to set boundaries, which has made it feel like our relationship is breaking down.

I feel sick everyday. I am not eating normally. I am not sleeping well. My body is telling me that I want to be done with this marriage. Why did I back down? Why do I feel so scared?

If you have left, can you please share how you now feel?

Noting that we have a 10-year-old son and I want to make sure he will be okay... and yet I no longer see a way to do that by staying in such an unhealthy relationship.

[Tangled mangled]

I physically left almost 18 months ago, lived together for 10 months following DV incident ( 1st) and years of emotional/ psychological abuse. It was a 10 year marriage and with 2 boys under 10.

The relationship got worse over the years to the point I felt sick like you have described. I experienced physically symptoms- chest pain, headaches, nightmares, all sorts.
The months leading to the DV I had pleaded with him to end things amicably for the children’s sake- that’s after begging to go to counselling or seek professional help. His claimed there was nothing wrong with the relationship- no cheating, drugs or alcohol etc Although I’m not certain he was not cheating.
He talked me down too- he said we could not afford to be divorced or to go to court.
After the DV, I had to work overtime to pay to file- I’m still awaiting the decrees absolute- almost 2 years since I filed.


My take on the stage you’re in is that: think of your relationship with your pwBPD as a parasitic relationship. Can you imagine a parasite ( pwbpd) letting go of its host(you) easily? In medicine we give antibiotics to kill bugs or antivirals for viruses. Same with this marriage to a pwbpd- you’re the one in pain and suffering, your son is witnessing his dad’s poor behaviour and it will affect him in many ways.
If you leave, aka divorce, you get a chance to reclaim your peace , dignity and sanity. Your son has a chance to experience a peaceful home perhaps with separated parents.
My only regret was that it took DV for me to actually file for divorce/ leave. I should have done it sooner- I ve had several positive experiences- career progression, support and health improvement since our separation.
 in my case I got full custody and he only gets visitation mainly because I had to move across the country for work and my ex was not interested in having the children all the time.

[Augustine]

No, I have never regretted my decision.

I placed many constraints on my decision-making process, as I didn’t want the decision to leave to be based on purely transitory emotions, or on circumstances that by their presence would exacerbate my ability to reason. I needed to make a clear-headed decision, in other words.

My tactic was taking a wait-and-see approach.

Unfortunately, the simplest explanations are usually the correct ones, and the best decision wasn’t the one I adopted. Paying scrupulous attention to my instincts would have prevented a lot of damage…for both of our sake’s.

I don’t regret leaving, nor do I regret working feverishly in my attempts to put things right, if only for the sake of the peace of mind that accompanies knowing that I did everything within my means to make things sound again.

However, when you know it’s over, it’s truly incontestable.

Best intentions, and fine words, butter no parsnips, so when you’ve entered the terminal stages of a relationship, the odds favour a catastrophic outcome, as both parties are in a state of task saturation and exhaustion, and even the smallest of incidents easily turn into towering sheets of flame.

This isn’t to say that I don’t desperately miss the good things about her-and they were super abundant-or that I didn’t love her dearly, but as Burt Reynolds once said:

“The hardest lesson I ever had to learn in my life was that the person that you fall in love with, and the person who falls in love with you, can be the worst person to spend the rest of your life with. It takes a real adult to say we have to go our separate ways, even though I love you, and you love me.”

[HealthTeacher]

I have not regretted my decision. In fact, my biggest fear right now is that I end up regretting it.

There is a resource that might help you. I was never married to my ex, but I listened to an audiobook called Splitting. I hope this link works. I have Audible, but I think I was able to get it for free.

https://www.audible.com/pd/Splitting-Second-Edition-Audiobook/1666110280?action_code=ASSGB149080119000H&share_location=pdp

It's a good resource for helping you/anyone sort out the feelings and also predict what the divorce will/can look like with a BPD, NPD, or even APD partner.

For me, even though I wasn't married, it helped me make the decision to leave NOW instead of when it would come down to divorce, which would be VERY messy. The book is filled with good advice when navigating a BPD breakup.

[ParentingThruIt]

I got him out of the house less than a year ago. Several years ago I had realized that the relationship would not be fulfilling to me, but I thought I was staying for the sake of the kids. As behavior got worse and he was more clearly troubled / unreliable, at least episodically, and was clearly letting his own issues cloud what's best for the kids, and safety became a concern, I had clarity and an avenue.

A shift you have to make, that is difficult, is that he is not your audience. You have to make these decisions for yourself. As Tangled Mangled said, this person is dependent on you (almost certainly emotionally, and possibly financially/logistically). They will not let you go. You have to leave or get them removed.

I experienced only small amounts of physical abuse but a lot of verbal/emotional. I have found a support group for domestic violence / abuse to be very helpful because the process of trying to leave will be similar.  The book Splitting by Bill Eddy might help you - it's about divorcing BPD/NPD and includes legal stuff as well as emotional / communication stuff.

In short -- you need a plan.  Assess whether you need to leave covertly or there's another way to get it to happen. This creates complexity in the short term. I am basically single parenting my kids while he has limited time with them each week. Logistically my workload went way up, and emotional support needs for the kids are higher, but overall I feel much less weighed down because I am not walking on eggshells or listening to judgment all day.  The voice is still in my head and I'm working to let it go but it gets better over time.

Get your supports together. Rally people in your court who believe you, who you can call to vent with or ask for advice when you feel overwhelmed. Rally people who might put you up for a while if you need a safe place to stay.

Approach it as if you are leaving a dangerous and controlling situation -- because to one degree or another, you are.

[PeteWitsend]

I never regretted leaving.  I wish I had done it sooner, but maybe that was for the best I waited until I did.

I'll never forget the first night in my new place when I moved my stuff in and shut the door behind me... I felt like I was born again.  I could look forward to the rest of my life for the first time in a long time. 

[HoratioX]

Regret is an emotion, and if you felt anything for someone with BPD -- and that would be tough not to, especially after the love bombing and months or years of a relationship -- then, of course, you're going to feel regret.

But feelings are irrational.

The rational part of your brain is probably screaming get away.  That's the part you should listen to. Coming down from the feelings is tough because any break up takes its toll on someone emotionally. Some argue its emotional effect is as strong as overcoming heroin addiction. Because everything with someone with BPD is more intense, recovery after a break up would be, too.

But in time, emotions dissipate while the rational part stays strong. When that happens, you'll see and feel with clarity and know that the break up was not only necessary. but right.

[Under The Bridge]

Hi, first post but have been reading everything on the site for a few months now - this particular post resonates with me as I still recall my final 'I give up' day with my exwBPD.

Same story as most on here, I now see she was textbook BPD, though at the time - back in the late 80's - I knew nothing of the condition in those pre-home internet days and it's only through coming on sites like these recently that I found out exactly what her problem was. Until then I had just assumed she had 'a nasty streak' and 'moods'.

After 4 years together I simply gave up chasing, after her constant breakups with me, as I realised that she would take it out on me no matter who annoyed her. I know now that BPD partners will take it out on those they feel closest to but at the time I obviously didn't know this.

I just saw a never-ending pattern of devalue and breakup, followed by my usual chasing her and getting her back. My mistake as I was both enabling her and showing that she could do it time and time again and I'd be there for her. I have no doubt now she saw it as a game, despite her illness.

The final discard was horrific, much worse than previous times and I still recall her jet black, totally soul-less eyes as she shouted and raged, a rage which literally started in a microsecond, like a switch had been thrown. I hope I never see anything like that again.

This time, I didn't chase her as her behaviour was so shocking. If she'd taken some responsibility and made attempt to apologise then I would have been back with her, but as we know, people with BPD aren't good with apologies as, in their eyes, they never do anything wrong.

That was the last time I saw her. Do I regret not chasing her as usual? No. It had to end as it was simply a toxic merry-go-round that would have continued forever. I spoke to her sister in law some years ago and she said my ex was still treating her current partner the same way, always walking out. So I dodged a bullet.

Having said all that though, if I'd known about BPD at the time I think I'd have persevered longer, though I think that ultimately things would have came to the same ending.

[usagi]

I'll certainly let you know.  I ended my relationship of four and a half years this past Saturday.  I actually came down with shingles I was so stressed out about our situation.  I think that finally got my attention, along with a lot of encouragement from friends.

I miss her like hell for sure.  Or rather, I miss the good times.  The night before I told her I listened to her for two hours tell me that I wasn't working hard enough on the relationship and that she had done so much.  It was just the reminder I needed that things would never get better.

I go through moments where I feel relaxed and happy to be away from the dysfunction.  But I also go through moments were I miss her company and affection. 

I went through so many break-ups with my ex.  There were a few that I initiated.  She would always say something that made me think she'd change and that she couldn't live without me that would draw me back.  But it was a sickly feeling.  Almost like falling back into drug use I'd imagine.

[yellowbutterfly]

BEST DECISION OF MY LIFE and saved my own life by leaving. zero regret

I do know the feeling of obligation and the roller coaster they play you on about staying. That was hard to reconcile.

[try2heal]

I miss her like hell for sure.  Or rather, I miss the good times.  The night before I told her I listened to her for two hours tell me that I wasn't working hard enough on the relationship and that she had done so much.  It was just the reminder I needed that things would never get better.

I felt a little sad this morning, missing my uBPDxBF who I last saw July 2 and he's finally stopped messaging me. But this.... OMG "I've changed so much for you. Name one thing you've changed for me!" being yelled in my face reminds me I'm glad I'm done.

[phoenix blue]

These stories are incredibly inspirational. Thank you all for sharing.